My Failure at the End of 2010

Well, I failed 2/2 today.
Mum said that now I have stuff to think about.
Granny told me that she feels bad overall and now it's me to make her feel worse.

I got my first New Year's present today. And gave two presents to girls at the Uni.

I have finished another book of Frei, wished that someone like old kind Juffin will find me someday and tell me what was wrong about my life all along.

My beloved decided not to come when I asked him to, because he smoked and drank today. Sadly, I still want to sit beside him and be silent for a little while. I made him a NY card today, felt like hugging someone virtually.

My Road to Myself

I have no time for that now, as Monday is full of responsible stuff at the Uni. But I don't want to forget my current thoughts.
So, reading Frei again, I realized that I want to find my strongest points and gain amazing superpowers! Or at least become more self-confident.
And I know for sure that remembering things is not one of my fortes.
Huh, I am going the right way now, am I not? At least, I have proper thoughts...
So, January should become my road to myself. And that will be a good start of the year.

My Body's Rejection

Recently I feel like my body is going to throw me up out of it. This feeling sucks, it's like my body rejects me and tries to get rid of me. And no, this is something new and it seems not to be connected to exams, because my worries are on the same level as at previous times. I can't imagine any other reason.
Damn, and with all these studies I still have to work. Yeah, I am stressed.
There is one more big (the biggest) theme to be revised (learned) for tomorrow, but I will watch the promised episode of the series (promised to myself for finishing half of questions). At least I will be true to myself and maybe this feeling of total rejection will stop. I believe it is only in my mind, though. But that's also only my mind that does every little thing in my body, so nah~. And I don't have time to deal with this right now. I can only sigh and drink cold water.

My First Concert

My first... well, ok, I'm omitting memories of this Sunday. But today was a nice day. I did come to work earlier, indeed. I successfully finished the task in time. I received another task (from my mentor - whohoo!). So, I did not have a chance to do studies for tomorrow. And then I went to the concert, and came home at 11 p.m. I don't know how I'll learn everything for tomorrow. Maybe I won't (most certainly actually).
But the concert was cool. It was my first time at such an event (I know, I'm not a normal kid). I found it kind of loud in the club. But it was nice to meet with friends and stuff... I was pretty tired, though. I still am.
I guess I will go to bed and try to wake up earlier to study. That's the only way to survive. It's now or never (tomorrow or January actually).
Yeah, damn.
But zero hcg warms me from the inside. I'm calmer today.

My Perfect Rice

By the way, on Saturday we made sushi ourselves. And they rocked!
1. I made perfect rice for the first time in my life (well, I followed the instructions rather strictly);
2. We bought all the ingredients + I had some.
3. So, we had sushi with: salmon, salmon and pepper and cucumber, caviar, cheese.
4. We ate sushi right after cooking, so we managed to chew for 4 hours almost non-stop.
5. He brought his special dishes for sushi and we used them.
Yup, 'cook sushi together' - check!

My Presents for Friends and Family

Yup, today I went shopping to find some presents for New Year. I did all I could. Plus I bought the book online for a friend because I did not find it in the bookshop I went today (bought a few books for presents). It's sort of fulfilling to do some crazy stuff for stupid presents which can be substituted with an excuse and anything else. I'll have to go to another big bookshop somewhere between my semester works/exams to pick up the book. It's Max Frei, if you are interested. And the book is simply deficit because it was published some years ago, and Frei is popular, and the only publisher is Amfora. Well, no, I am not sure there is a sound explanation for the fact that I could not find the book, nor could my friend (that's why I am so eager to find it for her). Plus, I feel I have to do that, because I'm reading Frei as well, and I have borrowed every book from my friend, so I'll actually read this very book - eventually.
And I have found that cool shop with all kind of neat stuff! It's superb and it's located in my favourite area of the city. I bought a present for mum and Yui (for her birthday, which is tomorrow!) there.
Tomorrow I promised to be at work as early as possible, so I'll have to wake up at 7 a.m. and storm out of the house asap. But here I am at 1 a.m. sitting at my computer, drying my hair (still no hairdryer - it's at parents' home).
This time before exams is always the time of regrets. Thoughts like "I could have done better at the classes" are always on the mind. Nah, I guess I'll have to do all that traditional way: learn everything on the night of the exam/semester work. Huh, the panic mode is being turned on inside of me with this creepy feeling in the stomach (or is this pregnancy? - I'll learn that tomorrow morning, if I don't oversleep).
So~ I'm sleeping on the sofa in my clothes again. Just because. No reason. I'll go hunting for socks in the other room now, so that's it.

My Load of Sh*t

Yeah, this title really contains some rude words, it does.
But, well, I'm full of crap that needs to be posted. And I hope that some day some of my crap gets published. If I start to put down my crap in words, that is. Should this post have been titled 'My Crap' instead?
Anyway, I've spent my day the most hated way. Woke up at 9 a.m. then decided to sleep more, which led to getting up at noon. Cooked breakfast for the both of us, tried to force him to get up, which happened a bit later. Then we fooled around for a while until he had to go to birthday party of some school friend. I stayed at home the rest of the day, waiting for my parents (never came due to late hours and bad weather), watching new tv show (how I met your mother, which is simply hilarious). Plus I read few dozen pages of new book by Frei (still reading those). The whole day ended with my bitter tears and sore eyes.
I don't know what was the problem: loneliness, lack of fresh air, no proper dinner or the events of previous night (don't ever ask, but I won't ever forget this failure).
Anyhow, I don't consider myself as a happy person. Nor the responsible one, 'cause tomorrow's birthday of one of my best friends and I don't have a present for her (I suck at remembering the dates).
And I've been thinking that I talked to a lot of people in my life. Some of them gave me so much crap, judging me, criticizing me, offending, deceiving, leaving me when I began to be so needy for them. There is just one thing that makes me feel damn good - in that load of sh*t I have found fantastic relationships and friends which I would like to keep for the rest of my life. And just thinking about these people makes me feel warm and good, for they are supporting and understanding and they love me.
From the Darjeeing Limited I remember one quote which appealed to my thoughts from a while ago. One of the brothers asked two other brothers: if we met in real life would we be friends? That's a tricky question for the family, right? Because if you give it a thought, you will actually never enter into a relationship with somebody like your parents or relatives (if they are not dependant, I mean). Well, that's just that my brother hasn't talked to me since the time he moved away with his gf. I wanted to call his today, but I don't know his home number and it's awkward to call on mobile. I just didn't call.
Well, there was another call today. I called my bf when I felt a little bit lonely at first, but he told me he was busy playing board games then. I went to the shower and missed his calling me back. Then he called at around midnight (he was almost home). I was in no condition to talk already, so I just cried and sobbed and was pretty silent.
And yeah, I hate myself.
That's it for today.

My Why

Why do I feel so sad, from day to day, every second trying to forget that I actually hate myself?
Why do I take every chance to degrade and turn myself down and always avoid really good stuff?
Why am I stressed out and rest makes me feel guilty?
Why do I feel pity for myself?
Why do I have so many dreams and goals and never do anything to achieve them?
Why don't I give full dedication to anything while able to do so?
Why do I act half-hearted and why real things don't make me feel good and raise my mood?
Why do I think that life is not fair while I know that I don't deserve the prize?
Why do I act so immature?
Why do I judge people while I have so much to be ashamed of?
Why doesn't my boyfriend makes me happy and why am I staying in this relationship?
Why don't I try to spend more time with friends and family?
Why do I waste so much time doing nothing useful?

P.S. NaNoWriMo has taught me one thing - what matters is quantity not quality (which is absurd, but I'm going to use this for the blog, because this is my Captain's log and I want to post here as much as I can, even if it means I will be embarrassed for grammar later).

My NaNoWriMo Fail

I failed in NaNoWriMo (or - according to their philosophy - tried very hard as an important participant). I only managed to write around 2000 words about myself. I lacked the idea that I wanted to realize in a month. I already had one like that and I'm stuck in a difficult plot turn that I can't really think through. And I did not want to use my old ideas for the contest, because that would have been cheating.
Writing about myself was good experience because it gave me motivation to think about the stuff happening around me. I was ready to write a book about myself, which is crazy if I think about it seriously. I guess I'm too young to write an autobiography that will be interesting for others. And I can complain and write about my problems here.
So, maybe I'll try next year with a better idea.

My One-man Rule

This weekend, while cleaning the house after my 'room-mates' left me alone again, I thought that my life was very rich with events. I mean the events that I value, which are small but nice: like little talk, shy smile, some friendly touches and hugs, reading (even a few pages) of a book. I am attentive to those things, because they constitute my life from day to day. That's why when I come home in the evening I feel that morning was ages ago.
And so, if I die tomorrow I won't regret a thing, because my life is full of stuff that I care about.
I also thought that myself from a few years ago was very different from me now and it is fun to think that I knew that person so good. All those dirty secrets, and dreams, and fears, etc.
By the way, I cooked a damn good chicken yesterday. I am not proud of myself, because I have never thought of cooking as something you can have achievements in. Because, well, this is food and there is so much technology today that you can't really fail it. But thanks to my mum for the receipt.

My Old Age

Today we were told that as soon as we graduate, we will become old people. We won't tell this mysterious "I am a student", but change it for boring "I work".
Anyhow, I don't feel very much like a student any more. I mean, yeah, I can skip classes like I'd never skip work. But that's not what it means to be a student, is it?
I was damn good today at the Uni. And it felt right. It felt as if I was someone with weight, someone mighty and... I read too much Max Frei lately and get those ideas of my own greatness.
This week I've spent 36 hours non-stop with my boyfriend. We played lots of UT3 (greed and titans are cool!), watched some anime and slept for a long time. Damn, it's too cold outside to even sit near a window, so being under the blanket is the best way to survive.
We also watched HP7.1 this Tuesday. Yet again I was irritated with his "everything sucks". And one of the most offending things was about J. Rowling's writing. Her writing is good, so his critics of her style and plot was so thin-grounded that it drove me mad. Anyway, the less we talk, the better I feel. At least, I became less serious about all this stuff. I am not yet sure that it is a good thing.

My Sleepiness

Maybe I am better off alone. I bring distraction, guilt, dissonance and chaos. I am not the best I can be. I do not possess the inner strength for which I longed for so long. I am stuck and tired of asking for help while never really letting people to help me and never appreciating it. I alienate people who care for me by telling them things I should never say. I do not even have courage to say those to myself. Who am I to judge people? No, I do not have the right.
My heart needs loneliness to bleed it out in the darkness of the night. And I need people to shame me and show me how foolish I am.
Right now I am willing to give it up and fall asleep. It's not that the stuff is difficult. It's just... boring.
G'night.

My People

It took me almost 20 years to realize that the only way to heal your heart is to ask people to mend it.
Today I turned off my engine and got out of the car at the parking near the Uni, where I have just come after my work. I took one ChocoPie from the boot (I am a recent fan of those desserts and have a big pack of them in the car). Then I went to the guy who was sitting on the fence (we have those small green fences everywhere). He was eating something and I just decided to make a company - for myself mostly.
I did have plans for the evening - to meet a friend of my bro, but we did not decide this properly and he did not contact me yesterday, so I thought 'whatever' and went home. My boyfriend went to play MTG. My bro works late somewhere everyday since last week. So, I tried to play my evening differently today. And it was worth it.
I remember how at the age of 15 I started writing one marvellous novel (never finished it, of course) about the family travelling around the island (which was the only land they knew). That was the time when I put 'talk to different people' in my list of goals (yup, I was making lists since... birth?). I wanted to experience stuff through their stories (it's much cheaper and much broader - different from your perception anyway). Now I begin to talk to people, really. Last week I had a little conversation with a guy who took away some misplaced ads for movies at the cinema in the nearest mall. Well, all that just means that whatever goal I set for myself, eventually I come to the point when I subconsciously start achieving it.
And today was much better than ever. Today's guy gave me some of his pickled pattipans (which he got out of the jar with a knife - for me, and with a pen - for himself). 'Cause he told me that my ChocoPies are no good, he told me that as a doctor. I accepted his gifts and - with a smile on my face (I should practice that more) - ate with my dirty (very dirty after the metro) hands. Yeah, and happy I was. He kind of told me his story. He is a great guy, a travelling-type, just like Martin (a good friend of mine from France). Today's guy (we never asked each other's names) travelled around the Europe without money (nah~) with just a backpack and a thumb up high in the air (that's my euphemism for hitch-hiking). I envy guys, who can just put themselves in such a danger and stop showering for a while (that's a res mortalis for a girl).
Maybe he was just a guy, who loved to talk about himself, maybe I was a good listener, but we had a good talk together. After we parted I had one of those happiness attacks, when you can't breath properly because of the positive emotions inside. That's certainly a good thing as I smiled a few times on my way home. I hope that guy thought about me with a smile as well.
May our roads cross again, I will be glad to see him (screw grammar in the name of poetry).
I won't tell you his story - you've got to have your own precious talks to remember. I just want to say that I start to embrace the world, seeking the cure for my shattered soul (a.k.a. screwed-up mind).

My Lifestory

Can you sit down right now and write the story of your life?
That's what I am doing for NaNoWriMo this year. I am certain, I will not be able to write 50,000 words this November because I have started a few days ago and write about 1,000 words a day, which is not enough. As they show me, I will finish on January 1, 2011 *nervous laugh*
Tonight I have listened to a lot of good music. Some old songs, some I've never heard before. This is my inspirational playlist now.
I have a fake feeling that I am starting to get control over my life. It is 1.44 a.m. Really, very much conscious living. By the way, I learned about Steve Pavlina's separation only yesterday. This was a sad thing to learn, because I thought he was smart enough to manage a long term relationship. His divorce is kind of frustrating. I knew he was getting crazier in his ideas, though.
I have shortened my curtains and now I have some amount of white cloth, which I am totally going to use for my crafts. Maybe I will finally sew a book cover, hm? We'll see about that.
Tomorrow's going to be a good day, because I do not have plans to study, but to spend time with a friend. I have high expectations, so I'd better go to sleep.

Our History

We have been dating (and known each other) for about 7 months now. We have history. And what is adorable - we can remind each other of some nice stuff we had/did together.
Ah~ sharing memories with someone is a good thing.
I will surely ask him about what he remembers better, and think of what memories I cherish the most.

My Week of Truth

Last weekend was the hell that I created with my own hands. I wrote a letter to my beloved that I would like to break up with him because of his recent deeds (he went to play MTG without asking about my plans). Well, the letter is not a conversation, and he came to see me after classes. We talked for hours (approx. 6 hours) and somehow we decided to be together even after he told me that he did not give up smoking (which he promised me months ago).
On Monday I told my parents and grandma that I stayed at his place because we kind of blanked out till it was too late to go home (1 a.m.) which was totally true for I would not have stayed if it was not that late. Grandma did not believe me, which offended me so much that I acted stupidly (not talking to her about myself and my plans etc.).
On Wednesday I felt tired and irritated. I wanted to start writing for NaNoWriMo, but slept instead.
On Thursday we went to the Palaeontology museum. I drove the whole way to and from the museum and so I got tired in the evening again and I finally broke out in tears in front of him. All this week was complicated and stressful and I felt really pressed by my problems. He took it as if it referred to him and was kind of angry with my behaviour. Actually, my tears were one of the highest signs of my honesty and trust. But yes, I made a lot of stupid things during this week. And I should not have cried in front of him - that was my weakness.
Friday was not a national holiday for lawyers (obviously, because lawyers don't sleep or rest), so I had classes. I screwed up and was not ready for the work at class. And yet this was not my greatest failure of the day. He asked me about my plans for today (he himself went to some party at his friends' place and won't be back till tomorrow) and I knew why he would ask that - only if he knew the answer already. But no - I did not tell him the exact real plans of meeting with our mutual friend. I am not even sure why I skipped this part - I just decided that it was not worth knowing for him. He resented me not telling him about the meeting.
Anyway, meeting with friends is a good thing. That friend made me feel a little bit more sure about certain things. Plus he is a person who can help me with good advice for he knows my beloved far longer than I do. And I want to be sure I do the right thing, because I sincerely want us to be happy together. That's just my mind and people around me who give me doubts about everything like social status, mutual interests, behavior of the person in love... I am still taking things too seriously.
So, this week shook my harmony with my life.
But I am in love with him, and my life and I know I will manage. Somehow, it will work out. Everything is going to be fine. It will be great. Better than ever. I am sure because I am going to make it happen.

My Need to Talk

I need to talk to someone, who'll understand what I'm going through right now. I actually have put me in that situation myself, but anyway. I feel like a lost pony in a forest with rainbow-colored trees (really feels like that).
Strangely enough I do not miss my bf now, though he is working hard and we did not see each other since Monday (not strange - little time have passed). But I still wonder if there is a person somewhere in the world who'll suit me perfectly (damn you, R. Bach for your ideas of the One, though I might have misunderstood them).
And I've been watching too much of GG lately, which drives me crazy. It takes a lot of time that I would like to spend on thinking about stuff (or doing homework for classes).
Plus I now have my - you won't believe it, cause I don't believe it myself - personal diary. I just love to fill in these small pages with cute lines, and the paper is so good and thick. But I promise I will not give up on writing here, because I still like blogging.

My Loose Ends

Today I:

• did 5/8 tasks for civil law (which is a high percentage of completion)
• grew in understanding of economics (great accomplishment comparing to the past experience at this class)
• payed for mobile
• fueled the car (it was tremendously empty)
• went to English class and spoke there, even tried to get into an argument over the jury function in judicial process, but got interrupted by professor; everyone looked at me after my speech for it was good, and it will, indeed, be better
  
• met with a friend and ate pizza
• drank tea with my beloved, played MTG with him and was all lovey-dovey
  

I don't want to be arrogant, but I am good.
But I still have some more loose ends to deal with: pay for the flat, try to eliminate Wednesday todos or lower them to a minimum, think about tires for winter, apply for a corsepaper at last...
And though I did not encounter the first snow (for I was at home, doing civil law), I still got enough cold to my hands and ears. I'll find my gloves in the morning.
So that will be it.

My Timeturner

I hope with all my heart I will have no need to use my personal timeturner. Just kidding. It is illegal nowadays, anyway.
The thing is, I start my work tomorrow (10 hours per week min). Plus I signed up for the legal English courses (twice a week, 1,5 hours each class).
And I want to spend as much time with my beloved as I can (will not have any time-limit here).
And everything in my life is so dear to me that I cannot think of setting priorities. Everything matters and is really important.
Yesterday I won 2 out of 3 MTG games that I had with my beloved, which saddened him, but I was on fire! And I ate pumpkin, that his mother cooked. It was delicious.
I feel slightly guilty for oversleeping today and for not doing my house chores properly. Moreover, I skipped Uni today. I am doomed now. I will have to send an e-mail with all the tasks to the professor, never mind the lecture. And the time for coursepaper has come, too.
But no, I will not panic, no way. And I will try not to use the timeturner too frequently.

My SH

Yup, I have finally watched the first episode of that new British show about Sherlock Holmes. They actually made me a fan of the show during the last few minutes of the ep. That's not fair. I almost decided to stop at the first one, but I'm getting the next one already.
Anyhoo, it's kind of frustrating to know that I am not thinking as much as I could and waste my time on... stuff. While I could have done so much things and do them so much better. I could have been anyone.

If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves. ~ Thomas Alva Edison

What is motivation? Is it anger, love, some high-pitch emotion inside your head? Is it a tragedy in the past? Or are those things were just made up by the dreamers who have never encountered it in their lives? Was that cliché created by the thinkers? Those, who could just lay down and think their brains out, making up stories and things that never happened? People with time and willpower?
Oh, whatever. I am ill and tired. And I skipped classes today. Again.

My Great Weekend

Here is my ultimate way to solve relationships problems: act like nothing happened and then discuss it after you show that everything is alright.
So, the weekend was good. There was some greatness to these past days, too.
One of the main things I have recently found out is that I stopped liking one certain person. I mean I still like him, but not in that confusing way anymore. One reason for that was that little comment about my friend on Saturday. Because I knew some facts about that stuff about them and he didn't mention it (obviously). Another thing was his girlfriend. She just mentally kills everybody with her presence acting as if she does not want to be right here right now. I don't mean anything, but she was not the likable person and, knowing that the boy is seeing her without certain special feelings for her made me think whether I should respect him so much or just let him go down to the level of just a normal human being. Well, I won't mention that one MTG game that we had 2x2 on Sunday, because it was the least fun I could have suspected from him.
So, I told my beloved one that I was actually really stupid to worry so much about whether I like him or not (though I didn't tell him the last part). Yes, I do. Of course I do. Now there is no one else to confuse me.
And another thing is that my beloved has opened the world for me. I really am more responsive to life events, more adequate and friendly. I had some nostalgic moments today while eating at the canteen in the Main Building of the Uni. Because that's where I've spent a lot of time during the first year of the Uni (besides library). And I know how much I improved. But special thanks are for a few previous months as my beloved changed me for the better.

My Inability to Think

Over a few years in the past I worked on a great skill - not thinking. Well, it actually was needed back then because my thoughts were physically painful at the certain period of my life. That time has passed but the ability to clear my mind of any thoughts stayed.
I am using it right now. See - I am not even crying.
By the way, for those, who told me not to write in this depressing way any more: this is my life. Even if I wrote here every day, that would not have changed a bit. I do have bright times, times when I am happy and content. But most of my time I am this stressed student, struggling to live her life the most appropriate way (or just the way she can).
Overall, I am OK. OK is the only thing I can say about myself today.
Everything's fine.

My Super Project

What I lack lately is a huge awesome time-consuming project! I have one planned for November already, but not for the next month. I don't want it to be connected to the studies, because that is not so hilarious and we have quite a few.
Yet I don't want it to be some mind-boggling and life-changing one. Just... the one that will take me away from my thoughts and ennui. But it should have some pressure on me and my procrastination. Or else it won't have the required effect.
Well, anyway, I'll think about it.

My Freedom

The world is freedom. I have so many opportunities and choices, that it's a little bit confusing.

Damn it feels like delaying the end of the relationship. It saddens me, irritates me, we don't listen to each other. More than that, I don't really want to talk to him because - about what? It seems to me as if I'm losing my time.
Though, I know that with the end of this will come not the freedom but the same old stuff - hiding, breaking inside, crying out loud at night, bad tempering with daybreak and other even more exciting things.
It's so hard to be strong, really. I've already mentioned my wavering grounds. I don't have a base to defend, I don't really have home any more. Why do I still come back here? It's freaking cold.
I can't even tell him I'm crying, because I don't trust him, all he ever does is laugh or act offended. Our worlds are different, they never seem to integrate. But he is not an alien to me. We spend at most 10 hours per week together. But when I am with him I know that he is the only light in my life. Yeah, he destroys everything else through my own hands. But the warmth of his body is something I do not want to lose.
How much longer will that continue? Does he even see what I see? And what am I to him? Certainly, not the first priority. I don't know if I can talk to him about all this. Well, I don't want to bother anyone. That's pretty much why I'm writing this and not discussing it with someone. Because I want to have pride in myself. To stand up and keep my head high. I don't want people to trample on my dreams. I know I've made huge steps forward during previous months. And right now I'm struggling at the next door to open.
If it hurts so much, then it means that it matters, right? And I still care, so it's alright.

My University

Yup, I'm still here, still alive and blogging.
I know you've been starving for photos (even if you were not...).
So, I wanted to put a picture here. This is the Main Building of MSU, Moscow, Russia. Taken on my mobile phone, walking this Monday around the Uni waiting for a friend. I thought that my head is full of holes like in maasdam cheese, but I actually remembered all these details.
Now it's around 1.30 a.m. and I'm certainly going to sleep in a few minutes.
It's just that I've got to say some words about today. He is still rude and no gentleman. Well, he was also offended by my answer for his 'Why do you like to watch stuff about queers?' 'Because I am one' I told him.
Any whoo, he is still too young to think about kids. Me too. Haha.
I have no doubt that I need to buy some books for Uni as the studies already began and I have little material for seminars. Foosh, what am I thinking about? It is amazing how I can postpone things. But tomorrow, for sure, I will buy the books. Or I will do that the next week after the library declines my requests.

My Tolerance

Yeah... right now I don't feel like I'm in love.
I was remembering my beautiful girl (she was never mine, but I can dream, ok?). Ah, these girls with bright red heads drive me crazy. And sad (can you be driven sad?).
I'm still pretty much unsatisfied.
Today I went to the Uni to listen to 1 lecture, to skip another one and then learn that the next seminar was cancelled. Damn this outrageous schedule.
Making your personal blog public and giving link to your friend will limit your opportunities to write everything in your blog. So, let's skip one part.
I was offended by the nearest person for reading John Barrowman's book 'I am what I am'. Oh, how rude the guy was. Well, he was being quite rude lately, saying stuff about my friends, being intolerant in almost all the ways possible. Being an impolite kid must be a heavy thing to bear on one's shoulders, I guess.
I'd better calm down and check if there is an official visual spoiler for Scars of Mirrodin. 'Cause if I am a good girl during the next week, I will go to the pre-release.

My Wavering Grouds

It's like standing on unsteady land that can collapse any time very soon.
I'm not very content with what is going on in my life.
It's not that my friend at the Uni has found a boy for herself and I am somewhat left out (nah, that's just that I'm pretty jealous towards... well, anyone).
In my head there is some crisis in our relationships with my beloved one. I don't see where we are heading with all that stuff. Any whoo, we are doing pretty well. He even started reading Harry Potter that I gave him. I plan to give him my fav book and discuss it with him. It's Richard Bach 'Illusions', by the way.
My sleep patterns are chaotic. More than that I sleep in random places lately. Not very random, but his, my bro's and my parents' homes are all different. Where is my home? Who knows.
There's also some uncertainty with the matters of my future work.
And I am so disorganized lately. I so don't like this, but living in different places makes you kind of flexible (if you can count it as a synonym for 'disorganized').
Ah, is it the time I start asking myself questions like 'What am I? What I am capable of doing?' etc.
Don't you feel it too - this chaos of your life? And everything it does is delay some simple and small tragedy that will shatter your world and you'll fall below to find yourself in the darkness of your soul, all alone.

My Taboo Words

It was yesterday evening when he said these things. But it only got me now, while I was remembering how great it was to be near him.
We, people, may all be genuine idiots, but there are times when you ought to think about what you say.
The thing is that he said that my writing is not that great. He was asked by his mum after I told her that it's one of my hobbies to write stories.
I am utterly confused because I have never taken any critics to heart that much. But this time I just feel strangely. It was like rain over my world because in the end my writing is me, it represents my soul and my life. And, being soaked through with cold water that my lover has thrown at me, I am sad.
I may be exaggerating a little bit. It has to be the change of the weather that makes me feel the way I do, and the beginning of sore throat, too.
But it seems that some part of me, one of my most treasured and beautiful sides, will be lost for him. I do not want to say that my beloved should not criticize me. I just guess that relationships are not only about telling the truth, but the way you tell it in the most supporting way you can. Did he try his best? Did he think that it was so meaningful and could hurt me? Who knows.
I really want a person near me, who'll tell me I am capable of things and can become even better. Myself is not enough (I sometimes act the opposite way) and the nearest person to me is not that supportive all the time.
This kind of thoughts makes me feel lonely again.

My Eleventh Hour

I've watched an episode of new Doctor, finally. Initiated by my Mum, of course. But Doctor is Doctor anyway, it's just that he seemed more like a parody for previous ones (like their catch phrases, movements, plot twists etc.). Does he get better later? Well, I'm kind of sure I'll watch the series eventually, so I'll try to track his changes if any.
As of yesterday crisis of my mind on the matter of my beloved choosing MTG over me, I've calmed down a little as he promised to never make that choice again. His promises are not that strong as a man's word should be, but anyway. I always hope for the best.
And I feel slightly guilty for wanting to have serious fun.

His Words and Deeds

If he says things that differ from those, I want to hear, what does it mean? If he does things I don't want him to do, what is going to happen? If he chooses the wrong thing, what can I do?

Should I ask him to give up his hobby for me? Will he do it? Should I chase him, wait for him, seek and plan our meetings?

It's just that sometimes you want to feel you are the most valuable thing in your lover's life. Even if this is a lie, it's better to realize you've been deceived while you felt good than to know you are deceived occasionally and feel permanently bad.

How can you make him understand that what he does with his time is not the right way for a grown-up man to lead his life? How come I have overcome watching anime and tv series while I am a few years younger?

Why are we so different?

My 2010-2011 Goals

Yet again, I'll set goals for myself for the third year at the University. And yet again most of them are connected to languages that I never manage to learn. But this year, for certain I will...

1. Become professional legal translator in English (I guess I'll take courses at the Uni for that, so the deadline is uncertain - maybe 2012)
   
2. Read and speak French (by the end of May, 2010)
3. Take German classes (no end time)
4. Read that book on Japanese hieroglyphs (by December, 2010)
5. Earn first 100$ from blogs (by the end of Dec. 2010)
   

Now those goals, which do not have a specified end time:

1. Speak more at the theory questions in classes
   
2. Be more active at the faculty
   
3. Go to the library to read periodicals
   
4. Keep track on your time & efficiency
5. Eat healthier and move more

My Brand New Year

Yup, I'm back at the Uni again (and actually writing this post at the lecture of a new subject). But I'm not back to my old life. I can feel that something has changed. Starting with new clothes and more office-like style and ending with living together with my bro and his grilfriend.
Anyhoo, I am more self-aware and self-respectful (self-respect power!). I guess that is the result of my work at B&M. Maybe that will disappear as the time passes. But I like it.
Never mind my look, my mouth is still full of rubbish. And sometimes it seems I'd better not talk. I have to work on this (I suppose that was one of my resolutions once already).
By the way, about resolutions. While working (i.e. having some free time) at B&M I made a list of goals for this study year. I'll state them in the next post.

My Steps Closer

I've watched some videos of 500 days of Summer. My fave scene in the film is when they meet in the lift and she tells him she loves the Smiths. What he says after she goes out makes me laugh. I doubt there are a lot of people who watch and love Fox Searchlight movies. My Mum can't bear them.
It's just that I think that every step I take I draw myself further from some people. Everything I do makes me lonelier. Yeah, we all are different, no one will understand us better than ourselves, but... It's just life that casually makes you alien.
I have created a concept which I do not want to be proven untrue (huh my language!):
People who are more like you are your friends. But you make your lovers those, who are different.
Oh well, you know what? Screw it. I'm too young to talk about life.

My Inception

I watched the movie. And it was good.
And it inserted an idea into my mind that I would like to be exceptional by doing something better than others. It was strangely connected to the certainty of a romance between Arthur and Ariadne. She was just a good student and he was just a good point man. And they've met under some strange circumstances.
Anyway, who would not like to be exceptional? And I have doubts about what path should I choose to become that exceptional character.

You know, even if I'm not doing it, it still feels like I am writing every day of my life. Everything I see I can turn into words in my head without pronouncing them. I did not drop writing, I have been doing it all along. I remember the feeling of writing and I surely can't forget this February. But - I do not know why - I do not materialize my ideas. It is sad. Will I ever start writing again?
I have made so much plans already for the next few months. I even made a list of things I need to do overall. But oh my, I don't feel like I will be able to do this stuff.
I can not see my future now. Everything worries me so much, my hands started shaking again and I have uncontrollable movements of my limbs. I doubt it is because of work, but that is a possible reason.
I have taken up sighing again.
Erm. I want him to come back. I want to think I'm in love again. I want to think I am loved again. I want that safety he gives, since it seems I'm falling somewhere deep into my worried unsatisfied head without him. I want him to ease my mind like he did before. And I am forgetting him when he is not around. You know, time passes strangely in my world.
It could have been anyone, you say? I know it is a lie. I have evidence that he was the only one. And he still is.

My Merry Dream

Ok, it's been almost half a month since last post. I can't say that something has changed, though. My beloved had come back and went away again, my practice continues, my belly is growing. Well, everything is like it was 12 days ago.
I skip my breakfasts now (mostly because I oversleep), it does not help much, though, since I do not move more than before. And I feel hungry in the evening, too. I am chewing some bread sticks now. By the way, I like stick-shaped things like bread salted sticks, straws, pencils...
Today I had a very strange dream. Well, I know why I had it - I did some research on pre-marital sex in the evening. I dreamed of me marrying my beloved and having some cheating/sex problems the very next day of the marriage. I don't know why he made me suffer so much, but this dream was a chasing one - I was chasing him, seeking him, longing for him. The dream was filled with so much love - my love - that the thoughts I had before falling asleep seemed absurd in the morning. The thoughts were supposed to help me not to worry over the fact that he is not writing nor calling me and miss him less.
Anyway, I was surprised at how many of my real problems this dream had:

1. my sexuality
2. the thing that I liked a friend of my beloved (it was before I met him, but it still haunts me)
3. my lust vs. my innocence
4. lack of nice stuff my beloved says - he claims he cannot express his feelings

It was one of the most colorful, rich and eventful dream I had.
I realized that stuff like this - your own emotional experience - changes something in you. The marvel is that you do not know and can not even guess what your partner is experiencing. I would have liked to tell him about my dream. But I tend to forget or miss the moment to say something like this. Do I need to do that anyway?
It's a pity I can't talk about books with him. But I'm lucky to have people around me, who read a lot, so I can even ask for advice.
Plus I hope that I will have a lot of time again this year at the University and will spend it more efficiently.

My Brighter Life

Wow, have those days really passed? There were very few things I remember from 3 previous days. My work makes me feel as if I'm getting dumber, because I sit in a haze and am so sleepy I can fall off the chair straight into the dreams. It's just that my common sense vanishes and I act like a damaged robot all these 9 hours I spend in the building. I think of what I could have done in this amount of time and I realize that there are so many things I want to do.
This work does not have a meaning for me. No, it actually does: to gain experience, to learn legal stuff... But there is nothing behind it.
Anyway, I have realized yet the other thing about myself: I can't make my life happier. It's just that I won't smile to my parents, won't say something nice to people around me. That does not make the world brighter, but I can't do anything about it - I can't convince myself open my mouth and say 'hooray, I'm eating my mum's stuff and it's so tasty I can munch it forever' (my mum does not cook much lately, but whatever). I might be slightly exaggerating things. But you got the idea.
Today I have a wedding to attend. So, I have to prepare for it a little bit.

My Office Dreams

Today I've realized that my dreams became more down to earth. I assume that's because I spent all my time sitting in the cold office while it is awfully hot outside or driving my car and I rarely look up at the sky (actually I do this 3 times a day on the average).
So, my lowest dreams include marrying a guy with big salary, who'll be able to take care of me and our children. I will just sit at home bringing up his sons and daughters, writing a novel with no end and spending time on being a perfect wife. Yeah...

'So, you haven't spent a night at the office yet?'
Nope, I have not. I actually am very bored at work because of lack of tasks. And that federal law on bankruptcy makes me doze off once I read a word from it. *yawns even remembering the thing*

I've caught myself on the thought that I want this practice to end already. Damn too boring and roads are damn too full of cars.

Tomorrow I will definitely skip lunch because (my belly is growing larger) I want to eat sushi in the evening, so I have to be hungry and with money.

My One Birthday Party

Erm. I'm not sure what I want to write here tonight. I actually feel pretty tired after this weekend. I've been waiting for it and now it's come and passed. I don't think it was that good. But I am never quite satisfied with anything, I guess.
I am slightly irritated, very sad (mb too sad because I've started watching Moon movie), offended and disappointed. Well, yeah.
The most distracting thing was realizing that people eventually find out that you are lucky and clever and they actually do everything to make you lose. Not because they want something for themselves. But because they do not want you to win. I have always wanted to see some good in people, believe in their honesty and now I'm taken aback by what I've seen in this stupid childish game.
The second sad thing I've realized is that I do not fit in. There were lots of people at the party and I did not find a single person who'd understand me. Oh damn, why people are so selfish and dense, why don't they want to listen to me. It was so damn lonely there.
I did some stupid things, too. Like kissing someone I should not have. And staying for the night was definitely a mistake.
I don't feel right about all of this. Because it makes me think I don't fit in anywhere. There is somewhere we belong, isn't there? That's what some songs have been telling me. Well, I've found out I had not found it yet.

He liked my present. He thought I've asked my bf on what he prefers, but, you know, liking a person presumes that you know him as well as you can you can get to know him when he's always seeing someone else and not you. Ah, my broken heart will never be mended. But I know I do not really want what my heart longs for.

Tomorrow the new week begins and I'll be all alone for a while. My beloved leaves for 3 weeks (and damn him for preferring talking with ugly girls instead of being with me last night - that's what offended me the most).

Anyway, I want to think I'm strong enough to be on my own.

My Time

Tracking my working time (we have to submit at least 8 hours per day - which is exactly what I have in my entries from day to day) I have realized one important thing.

My time has a price.

My whole life I've been waiting for something to give me understanding of this, I guess. Now I have to cherish the thought and come to even greater understanding of the matter. And thereafter I should value my time.

My Beginning of Summer Practice

My summer practice began this Monday.
So far we (10 students) had a lot of new stuff to remember - mostly how to use programs which were developed for the company. But we had other trainings too - communication skills and even stress management.
I'm not that good in socializing - I do not talk much to people around me. But man... Well, I did a good job in that area - better than before anyway.
I like the practice. During these two days I've already learned a lot of useful things. So I'm happy to be there.
Today we had time to get acquainted to our mentors. It turned out that my mentor is working somewhere else and will be back on Friday. Now the guy I was communicating with by e-mail before the practice is my mentor for these three days. He gave me a task already: to prepare legislation on a certain matter for him and a copy of it for another attorney.
I was taken aback by the attention I got, when I asked workers about something. I have never got that attention at home or anywhere else. They make you feel as if you are the most important person in the world during the time they speak to you and you speak to them. It is amazing. I'd like to have that quality in myself.

My Marvellous Sunday

Ehem. I'm cheating a little bit - I'm posting it on Tuesday, actually. So, it will be brief.
The day was chaotic. Totally. I've done a lot of things that I liked:

1. ate voq (that stuff fried in a special fry pan which looks more like a pot)
2. watched the Sorcerer's Apprentice - best film of the month so far (especially after Avatar the Airbender)
3. spent time with my beloved (ah, he lay on me knees in the park)
   

Things that I did not like about the day were:

1. my bf teased me all the day, saying stupid things and that hurt me badly, I told him to change his policy of showing his feelings through what he says
2. buying new shoes because mine collapsed (they were not that comfortable)
   
3. listening to unnecessary information - that led me to walking on foot to my bro's place and that was a long way

I spent the whole evening driving home because I got lost in this big city and did not know how it all works and it works differently every time. So I came home late and proud of myself (really).
I did not get into the details, but that was my wonderful day full of great events either bad or good - which does not actually matter.

My Barefoot Day

Yup, I was barefoot almost all day. Exception was for trying new shoes.
I wore my sneakers without socks (I do that a lot lately), I wore summer shoes without socks, too.
I even drove barefoot (which was so weird but cool and I liked the feeling).
So, well, yeah (the most meaningful sentence in the whole blog).
We registered the car today (almost - did not bring one document with us, so dad will go tomorrow, too). It was a very hot day, by the way.
Went shopping to Auchan, and I was at the wheel 'cause dad drank beer at home (duh) and drank beer at the mall (it was his dream for a while).
I bought some presents for the upcoming birthday - it eased my mind because I was worrying about this exact present for months. Oh, I hope he'll like it. Should I make him a card or should I not? Hrm.
Anyway, now I have some new things to wear for work.
I've been thinking about priorities for the rest of my summer and decided to leave it like this:

1. internship at B&M (I will do my best there, 'cause it is the greatest opportunity I've had so far)
2. friends (I am going to be at that birthday party and I will meet my bf at least once a week)
3. reading (I know I won't read these 20 books - I still haven't finished a point in the list but I should read some non-related to work stuff, I hope I'll manage)
4. blogging etc. (yeah...)

That's it for now. I so want tomorrow late morning to come sooner because I have a date! A date, yahooo! Erm. Really. It's stunning.

My Reception

I went to the reception party tonight at B&M.
Wow, it feels like my life has just began - it's the real start of my career.
I've asked names of everyone in this program, but did not manage to clarify who exactly is my mentor. Anyway, talked a lot to the guy who is a specialist in commercial contracts.
It was pretty cool.
What I understood today is that if you want to work there, you'll have to forget about your other life - everything you do you do it for the company and your clients. 'Whoah' - I thought.
I'm the youngest student in the program (this year at least). I am a legend already.
Well, yeah. We'll see if I can manage things like this. In the end, I love challenges like writing two coursepapers. And I actually want to know what's it like to work in the international law firm. Plus I want to learn as much as I can and I know I will do that. Because I am not alone.
Hm, that last sentence was like a revelation. It's so good to know there's someone for you, who'll send you something like 'don't you worry, I love you' and you'll feel so much better and so empowered. But I was nervous anyway.
This is it - my last weekend of summer is going to be busy.

My 200th and New Blog

Well, 200th post today. Finally - I've been waiting for this day. I actually got an idea just this instance that I can celebrate days like this one with a cake (oh me, sweets-lover). I do not have a cake, though.
But today is a special blog day for me, because I've set up a new one. Here it is: http://inspiredbyxiena.blogspot.com/.
I know, this is not the best name, but you can only get this because everything else with 'insp' in it was already taken. Anyway, I have big plans for that blog, I will customize it a little bit later - create a picture for it, add something else. Well, this kind of stuff.
I'm actually planning to create a site. I'm unsure of the content yet. But I want to, well, explore and contribute to the chaos of the Internet. And I have another great idea for the blog, but I'm still thinking about how I should start it and what I should write there.
Nevertheless, today I finally got all the papers filed into the court (I don't feel right about this, but let's hope for the best). I actually got frustrated and irritated by the court system in this (damn) country. They do not dispense justice out there, they do something else. My main purpose in this life is to help people, not to torture them or make them pitiful. That's why I will never really appreciate how some people do their work at government/social service area. Oh my, people, you should care for each other or else you are so alone.
The world for me now is kind of hot-iced. Hot because of the weather, which almost killed me today, so I stayed at home all day after I came back in the morning. Ice-cold because the hot water was cut off and it's either very cold or very hot (we use the heating system during this time of the year, which actually makes the water too hot).
I re-watched Star Trek 11. I do that with some geeky frequency. And oh, you should have heard the sounds I have been making while watching it. Ehem. Maybe I should just watch the original series already. And squeal over that instead of obvious awesomeness of JJ Abrams and modern special effects. Too late, anyway.
Tomorrow I will go to the party at my work to get acquainted with mentors (who are they?) and other students in this program. By the way, I'm thinking about getting summer vacation in this blog and create a new one especially for the time I will be in the B&M program, or should I write about that here? Well, I'm still thinking about it.
Yeah, and I'm going to try this old technique that never worked for me next week. It's when you set a day of the week themed by something. For example, Monday is for reading SF, Tuesday is for series/movies, Wednesday is for reading fiction/non-fiction, Thursday is for going out, Friday is for blogging and writing. Hm, I like that already.
I should start to get back to 2200-0530, too. Because I risk oversleeping or being sleepy or some other stuff connected to that might happen.

My Daymare Town 3

I just love Daymare Town games by M. Skutnik. And I've finished the third one today. I actually went out of the city in a day. It wasn't that hard, I thought I will spend the rest of the evening on that. But whoah, this atmosphere totally astonishes me. I will go through the game again, because I'm sure there is much more in it than I have seen today. For instance, what those numbers were for? Hm, maybe I will re-play all the games of Daymare Town and see if I remember anything.
I've finished the 4th book of HGttG and began reading the last book. I guess, I'll read some of the Dirk's adventures in the autumn (already dreaming about it - both autumn and reading more Adams).
I went to the dentist today, and she said everything's quite alright. I came back home in a bad mood. There are several reasons for that:
1) I don't like when people make me feel pitiful and they do;
2) I don't like people overall and there were a lot today, cause I had to go by metro;
3) this damned heat and no hot water to have a shower makes me feel disgusted;
4) so, I come to a conclusion that I don't like my life right now and want to change it.
Muahaha! Yeah, play your MTG games, play your lego... Erm, no I'm not good at acting as an evil hero. I feel pitiful at the moments like this. I feel not needed by anyone including myself. Naaah, who'd want a moving depression on two legs (a.k.a. me)? I would not.
Well, er... I still have a lot of things to do and haven't done much of them today. Will improve the stategy tomorrow. And will surely wake up earlier.

My Lego

Never had Lego when I was a kid. Is it that strange and pitiful? Well, I had other toys...
Anyway, I've received an answer today and I got a place in this summer program. It is awesome. I went to the Uni to get some papers (which were never there in the first place), still have some documents to provide.
Had non-alcohol Mohito and ate some sushi, felt bad about this 'cause I planned to do that another time. It was rather tasty, though. Thought about how my bf talked me out of buying sweets (that marmalade stuff you can buy at big shops).
Saw 'Despicable me', which was cute and nice.
Mum suggested me not telling my bf that I've spent the day with my friend, but what the heck? I'll tell him everything. If there is anything I'll lie to him about or decide not to tell him then it will be the end (for me at least). Because that's what I'm building here - the relationship of trust. And people around me can do anything they want, but I will continue doing what I feel is right. Well, now I know he does not like it very much when somebody spends more time with me than he does. I'll think of something, I promise.
As I will be really busy next 6 weeks, I want to do everything I should do this summer during this week. And I have a lot of stuff. And it is quite serious business like going to doctor + take care of my tooth, register a car (which I don't even know how to do), finish reading HGttG, set up blogs, do stuff around the house. My oh my. And they are going to cut off the hot water. Yup, no rest till the end of summer.

My M11

Today I've been to the pre-release of MTG M11. It was fun. We played together in 2 Head Giants. We lost 4 times. Won nothing. But it was cool to have my first festival and competition and everything. From time to time I felt tired of all those talks about cards, though. Now I have some more MTG stuff at home (one more angel from foil booster pack of Shards of Alara, M11 promo card - Sun Titan, 3 pretty strange d20s, some swamps for Yui). Oh my, now I want moar foil cards.
After a while we dropped out and went to eat and see a movie. Huh, pizza with seafood was pretty good. And I should never eat at McD again. Wait, haven't I said that some time ago? Yup, I have... We saw Avatar the Airbender in 3D. I hate watching movies in 3D. I don't enjoy them as much as I do enjoy good old flat screen.
Well, some things I should really make a list of in one of my notebooks (or any other ultimate planner):
a) cook sushi sometime in autumn;
b) get free M11 deck (WU, cause I want that);
c) buy clothes for the upcoming birthday.

A Few Things About Me

1. I can encourage people. There was that guy at the shop - he was selling cars. Somehow people believe me and tell me their stories. I wish them all the good and nothing bad, after all. I guess, people can feel it. Anyway, that guy told me everything - about his birthplace, jobs he had since 14 years old, his family, his ambitions etc. And I actually told him to go on and try to pursue his dream and there it was - something in his eyes that still makes me utterly happy and excited to know I did something good to him. Because it felt like he had all the courage and determination and will and oh it felt good.
2. I am not shy. At least not when I'm with my bf. I want to touch and kiss him all the time. Well, you know. And I realized that a few months ago the problem actually was not me being shy, but me being unable to touch people. As far as I remember I felt a little bit of disgust when people touched me, so I tried not to touch them and did not let them touch me. Especially people whom I liked, because I did not want to feel those things for them. Anyway, I am not sure for others (somehow I came to disliking mother's caress) but I certainly have no such problem with that exact guy, with whom I'm spending so much time now.
3. I like paper. All my desk is cluttered with piles of paper/postcards/boxes/small notebooks/cool advertisement etc etc. I just feel good seeing all this paper around me. I feel calm.

My First Interview

I have applied for a student program at Baker & McKenzie and had an interview today. Test for 90 minutes (translation of legal texts) and conversation after that. I've finished the test in 90 minutes exactly (phew, I thought I might not be ready in time, but it was OK in the end). Well, and it was not that scary after all. I have realized that English is like magic or mind-control: employers like it when you know the language. And I was praised for my English, now I can be kind of proud of it for a while. They'll call on Monday.
Today I've been in Starbucks for the first time, too. I have come an hour early (yeah, I know I should pay more attention to amount of time for road). I did not think Starbucks was that expensive. And I guess there is not a damn thing without coffee there. My frappucino with caramel smelled like coffee, or did the guy not hear my 'something without coffee, cold and sweet'. Anyway, it was like an hour of winter on this hot summer day.
It is strange but I have suddenly started to think of my bf as my fiancé. Well, it's all because of lack of handsome men in my life recently *nervous laugh* And I don't really think of marrying him now or anything. I can't even think about it right now, because I'm nothing without the Uni diploma and master degree. Puff, what am I talking about!?
By the way, I plan to go to Europe this autumn. 'Cause I want to.

My Hateful Day

Yup, the post is about today.
Today I:

1. took back a book which one guy from school borrowed from me a long time ago (the last book of Harry Potter) and he convinced me not to run in the nearby forest because of crazy people and other dangers;
   
2. realized I can't make any small decision (smaller that buying a car or agreeing for an interview) - and I mean it. I could not even decide where to go and whether or not I want to drink cola;
3. got that call from Baker&McKenzie for the interview this Friday. Oh, I want to get in. I'm not sure if it's OK to ask them about this program I have an opportunity to get into... 'cause I can't ask my parents if that's OK... Anyway, I'm happy, nervous and will try my best;
   
4. had an argument with parents about staying overnight at his place. They did not let me - I had to go home, now I'm not talking to them, because a) I am pretty sure they won't listen and b) I can't speak;
5. cried in the metro for the second time in my life. It was stress and heat and a lot of people around and it all came to me like sometimes last year, when I could not control myself much. Well, it's not something to be proud of, I'm actually very ashamed. Last time was on that day (it's also Day 22), if you are interested;
6. thought about hatred as a motivation. Does not work for me, I guess. At least it should not. In my world there is no place for hatred, disrespect, lies, disbelief etc.;
7. did not like my body at all, skipped dinner, but ate at Burger King at lunch;
8. found old music to listen in the evening (Linkin Park to settle my mind to its right place plus OST for Spider Man 2, Il Nino and stuff like that);
9. got disappointed in a few things: my parents' policy, my inability to fight and his love for MTG.

Yeah, I'm all depressed and beaten and lying on the ground in the dirt and cannot get up.
I just can't understand why people around are so unsupportive. I am trying my best, I have so many problems of my own, why try to make me bleed deeper and harder? I am still crying, actually. Because I am weak, my policy is 'shut up, try to cry while people do not see you and eliminate every possible social contact'. I am weak and I almost hated three blood-related persons today.

My Chocolate Sweets vs Sadness

Oh, it was so simple and calm without anyone to love. No one told you you are an idiot to spend your time on nothing, no one tried to convince you that your beloved is an idiot as well. Moreover there was no beloved one to make you sad, only yourself to do that. (At this very point I unpacked a box of choco sweets and ate one immediately - the thing in the throat went away for a minute)
It's not that I want to be selfish or anything. I try not to. But it makes me think in a tragic way of my 'right now' life. (I ate another chocolate - this time with caramel inside) Just because yesterday he told me he would be free the day he got his diploma I thought he would spend this day with me (well, he suggested that in the first place). But the day was moved to the next one (which is tomorrow) and he sent me a message that he would be busy. And I made some magnificent plans of how I'd be with him already, oh foolish me.
So, yeah, the only way to settle this problem is to say something stupid and go to bed before you start crying. (After this sentence my eyes became watery and the image of the outer world pretty hazy.
It's up to me to decide whether to revenge this day on him and come up with some busy stuff for Wednesday, when we actually can be together or let it go.
I know I will be sad tomorrow as well and will yearn to be with him all day. Knowing that he chose drinking alcohol with his friends over the time during which he could be with me will be slowly killing me tomorrow. And this is it.
And this post did not help me much to calm down and stop being depressed over the matter. And since last weekend (he met with my parents and granny) things became kind of complicated (in my head at least). Why can't it be simple like... like peas?
Anyway, my bro is here. And I'm going to talk to him for a while.

My Plans for the Summer

I don't have high expectations for this summer (not anymore). I just want to make something cool, to learn new stuff, to see different things, to think about everything that will come to my mind. I can't see the bigger picture right now, but that's what I've come up with by now:

1. blog (I plan to set up new blogs - one photo blog for sure)
2. lead healthier life (more sports and walking)
   
3. write new stories for fun
4. read as much as possible (and I am starting to get bored from time to time - I have a lot of books to read during these two months!)
5. learn a language
   

Well, that's it. I know that they are not clear and detailed, but I tried to make it both realistic and ambitious.
I want to have fun and be around people I care about. And I'm slightly upset when he chooses MTG over me. I can't be serious about this, and I can't be angry at him. But it saddens me. I'd better think less about that guy. Because we obviously won't see each other much. Yeah...
Anyhoo, this weekend I'm going to the countryside. Well, my family and my beloved one, too. I'm afraid this is getting pretty serious for us - meeting my parents and granny. I hope everything will be alright. My family is not that monstrous as one can think.

My Ubuntu 10.4

Hey now, I upgraded to new Ubunchu yesterday. Realizing there was that bug when pdf files printed out smaller than they should - well, that was the last drop in the cup of my decision. I have a divine fear for changing systems at my computers. But it wasn't that bad after all. So, next time I'll be ready to go for Ubuntu + KDE 4. Maybe. Ehem.
Now it's morning, I didn't manage to wake up earlier again, because I could not sleep last night. I suppose that's because of the movies that I'm watching (Twilight is scary for its inadequacy and bad logic).
I've printed proxies for Quinn, the deck I've wanted to play all along. Now I have the deck, but not the player.
A lot of stuff to do today, so I'm off to my routine morning things: watching GG, eating breakfast and doing some home shores instead of preparing for the meeting.
Anyhoo, I long for the first free day of summer already. I want to have a full hot summer day all to myself. Aaah~

My First Buck

Yay, I earned my first dollar with this 'google ads'. Actually, I should thank my friends, I guess. They are my most frequent and active readers. Yup, thank you for your interest and attention everyone.
And I've spent a lot of money today for different things like present for granny (I should make something nice for her anyway, I doubt she'll be happy with just her new mobile phone), MTG cards (oh noes!!! and moreover, they tricked me with these blue cards - there was none U in this pack of 100 - all of them were multicolored) etc.
I'm kind of tired after all this busy stuff everyday but empowered too. And much more is yet to come.
I decided to never eat at McD again. Never ever. Not even a drink - no way.
And I'm going to ask my bf to ask me for a date (erm, he never actually did that officially) to a restaurant or something, because his MTG album was bigger than my backpack and I had to listen to 'your bag is open' and then carry it in my hands. Plus it's pricey and I don't want him to give me money back. My plan is ideal, isn't it?
Soon I'll finish Kalevala and finally turn to my big pile of books for summer. I'm a little bit afraid that I'll fail to read 20 books in 2 months with my speed of reading (lowest possible). But I'll try at least. And last year I read a lot during the first days of September.
I'm not happy with my farmer's suntan but I'm not sure what I can do about it. I don't have clothes that show much of my body to public. But I guess, I can think of something when I finally decide to run to the ponds through forest.
That's it for now. I promise to post more. It's just these hectic days of summer...

My Quarter of Month

Yeah, it's been a long time since last post.
I passed all exams quite successfully and will have a scholarship next year, too. That is great. I personally think that this time I passed exams better than ever before.
I played Star Craft board game last weekend and we spent a lot of time together with my beloved.
I went to the zoo and my neck is red now because of this extreme sun. Giraffes are still cool. They... inspire me somehow. We (me and Yui, we went to the zoo together) ate with my dad that day. We met the next day after the exam, but I actually thought that more time has passed. I also helped Yui a little bit with her stuff, because she is leaving and I took some of her books and a printer to my house. Then I went to my parents and did some cleaning here.
I have a lot of stuff to think about after talking to my dad. Well, I'd like to know if everybody thinks the way he does (oh I doubt it, because he is too judging and precautious). Yeah...
Anyway, now I'm free to do whatever I want because it is the last free summer I have in my life. My plans are still kind of small, but I'm working on it.

My Joyful Morning

I had to stay overnight at his place. Oh, his cunning little plans, which I did not see through quite right. It was mentally terrible to stay at someone's place. I did not even have a toothbrush. But oh wasn't it good. It was cute to see him wanting to be just beside me. He is so loveable, I don't know what to do. Well, if I wasn't a girl... Anyway, it was something absolutely new for me.
And in the morning he was quite irritated and he eventually told me that I make him sad acting like I didn't want to stay and didn't like it. Oh my, I really thought that it was a joyful morning, while he was bragging about how dull it was, getting his stuff for work. With that kind of attitude, how people manage the life? Yeah, I know it's been easy for me up till now, but happiness is to be achieved. Nah, I don't really know how to say those things. But I want to make people happy, I want them to get up in the morning and think about how beautiful everything is. It's a pity he does not see things the way I do. Well, he does not have depressions like I do but come on.
I slept throughout the day, my head unexplainably (no such word in a dictionary) hurts. Maybe that's because I think about life too hard.
I got excellent for the exam again. And after that I said a compliment to a stranger for the first time. And I loved it. It was that girl (she was in her mid-30-s maybe), she was there, giving ads for a shop and she looked so cool, that it just slipped from my mouth. Well, now I know how to raise my mood to the highest level in 15 seconds. Plus you make somebody happy, too. So, it's even.
I just want to say, that whatever is to come, I love this world.

My Shaking Blue Hands

I feel much better today. I actually feel alive and kicking. And I'm listening to Nickelback, so I'm full of power right now.
Yesterday I felt dizzy, almost fainted in the bath, looking at my - whoa - blue palms. Well, everything is better now. I can stand and walk without any trouble.
Being in a relationship really gives me many things to think about and from a different point of view. Like what the happiness really is and what this life is about - because there is somebody out there caring for you, and you can't just think that someday you'll drop the relationship to move on and get what you've been dreaming about your whole life. Or will you?
Well, actually it was that song of NB:

"And damn it, this feels too right
It's just like deja vu
Me standing here with you

So I'll be holding my breath
Could this be the end?
Is it that moment when
I find the one that I'll spend forever with"

And I have those kind of deja-vus, too, like everything at the present was meant to be. I can't look in the future, maybe that's for the best. But that made me ask myself whether I would let go of my dreams if I knew I was going to be happy with the person and could live a long and calm life with him by my side.
It was quite a shock for me that I could not answer that right away like I always did - yup, I'll just leave them behind if they are holding me from moving forward. But I stopped and got a little bit anxious about the matter.
I guess, I can't let myself think that I will be alone again: it's too scary. I don't know what it will be like to be alone after I understood what it is like to be with someone. Maybe that's the point in your life after which you will always be around someone. Maybe not. I suppose, if that happens I'll get a whole lot of new experience. Or will revise past times. Anyway, right now I don't want to think about anything like that - I've been ill long enough to be at the edge of failing the exam. 2 days, everything is gonna be alright.

My Real Birthday

I celebrate my own birthday twice a year. My real one is always screwed up because of the exams or something else, while the other, which is in the late fall constantly makes me feel better.
Well, this year I actually invited somebody to celebrate the real one with me. I got presents (can you believe it?) and more than that - I liked them. Last year I did not even post anything about my birthday because it was quite an ordinary day and I was learning Roman Law. Well, this time I had an exam the next day, too. So, we gathered after the exam (I got an excellent mark, by the way). I liked it, but overall I was worried that my friends did not have enough fun. We played some MTG (I knew I'd play MTG on my bd!) - and I lost all games, then everything collapsed and people were using my netbook for forums/reading vampire porn/drawing their original comics. We didn't even eat the cake, because everybody came at different time and ate some stuff. Yeah, cake... Well, anyway, it was kind of my first birthday 'party' since middle school. And I was happy.
Now I'll explain why I did not post it 2 days ago. The first day I was obviously busy with my presents and bf stuff *blushes* The next day I fell ill and then we are at the present time and I don't feel any better. It is weird, because I only have a temperature (up to 102 F) and my head hurts a little bit, but no more symptoms. I did not really have a chance to use my super-techniques how not to be ill because it hit me like a lightening.
Now as I am not capable of learning anything and I am not adequately responding to the outside world events, I have a desire for small accomplishments like reading a book or completing a level of something or winning an MTG game. Will sleeping for a few hours count?
I've also applied for the job. Waiting for their reply. I don't actually have much hope for that, plus I've planned so much for this summer holidays already. But if I'm in, I'll be happy to earn some more gold to weight down my pockets.

My Artificial ADD

Yeah, nobody likes you when you're 23. That's a quote.
I'm still blaming the medication, but it starts to get on my nerves. It's alright when I'm not learning because I don't want to. But it surely is not normal when I'm trying to and can't. My inability to concentrate lately pisses me off. What day is it today? What weekday? What have I just read? Wait, I'm not supposed to think about that right now. Why am I standing there and where I was heading?
It actually takes me some effort to come back to continue writing the post. Well, I don't believe I can't overcome it. It's just that from time to time I forget to keep trying. I hope coffee and fish oil will help somehow.
And I'm afraid of spending this day alone. I know that people don't want to distract me (very funny, right?) because the next exam is tomorrow, but mah! Well, no. I don't feel the fear. I don't pretty much feel anything right now. Maybe a little bit sleepy.

My Handful of Dirt

Nope, I'm not preparing. I'm reading web comics and drinking coffee. Well, I just could not let it slip, I have to write down the quote from the marvelous Gunnerkrigg Court:

We all eat a handful of dirt before we die, Annie. Who cares if it tastes like cherry?

Remember my old blog - Exams are coming? Its most popular post is full of motivational quotes.
By the way, I want to read the whole blog again and look for grammar mistakes and stuff. People are reading it, which actually surprised me.
Well, motivating and inspiring people is kind of a dream for me. So, I'm off to motivate people to prepare for their exams. Yeah, I should not forget to motivate myself, too.

My Days Going Backwards

I am getting the bad habit everybody else has: learning stuff just before the exam.
It is good because you remember the stuff you learned. But there is a drawback - you have a chance to have little time to learn and no time to look through the material again.
Well, my plan was to study for two days and learn everything, so I would have a free day before the exam. And this free day should have been wonderful. But no, I did not study much today, so I'll have to spend Monday with this almost physically disgusting subject (I know I have to be cold-headed when it comes to work and duties, but ugh~).
And so I thought that it would have been nice if days went backwards. Like you have an exam tomorrow and you live with this thought and study, then the previous day comes, and you can learn stuff you didn't finish the next day. Well, sort of.
And I'm thinking about drinking coffee again. I guess I will. Hope I don't get another great habit of drinking that liquid with the color of the dirt.

My Lemonade Necessity

Yup, I've made a kind of a lemonade - looks more like ice tea to me, except without ice. Erm. Anyways, this is a complaint: yesterday the temperature was over 25 C, now it's around 15 C. It seems to me that I have slightly miscalculated the necessity of a lemonade today. I've prepared it yesterday at night. I had to get up after I had already went to bed. Oh, these MTG competitions and me are like two sides of one coin for my bf.
Actually I have more complaints about this night, but I won't make the large list of them here. Instead, I will mention that I got up almost 3 hours ago and still did not get down to work. Yeah, I have 48 hours to learn everything. It sounds like a 'mission impossible'. But hey - I've looked through two civil law volumes in a day. This is a no challenge for me after what I've overcome recently. So now I am going to turn off the monitor and open books, code and lectures. Hooray for exams time and my motivation to finish everything one day earlier.

My Paycheck

Today I've finished reading my book-a-week, which actually was a short story by Philip K. Dick. There is a film that was based on the story. I saw it several years ago and I liked it. Nevertheless reading the original story was intriguing. I plan to read some more of the author. Yes, I am not reading as much as I can and want, pretty much because of the exams.
I've defended my second course paper today for an excellent mark. Prof. Polyanski hadn't even read it, so he gave me the mark based on my speech (for the first time did he do that, so I felt exceptional. My speech sucked big time. You know why? Because... Professor had an exam today, so I had to wait for him to finish it. I sat down near the Department of History of Government and Law (the one he works for) and - guess what - fell asleep. Yup, that's the very me. I really do not fall asleep in the University, not that frequently as you might think. So, professor had to wake me up, saying my name loudly. I've slept for at least half an hour, or even more. Anyway I didn't tell him much of my incredibly interesting work. He said we were both at fault there. Me, for turning in the work too late. Him, for not even reading it. And I wanted to talk to him so much more. I wanted to ask him about his life and I wanted to remind him of the free dinner he promised last summer. I did not. I just thanked him and left, smiling like an idiot. And that's it. I know pretty well that it takes eternity to convince yourself you do not have any romantic feelings for someone. Especially if you insanely often see the person in your dreams. Damn my subconsciousness. But in the end, I got an excellent mark, and my past worries were unnecessary. More than that, I am glad that this very man gave me that mark. Did I really deserve it? I did.
Now back to reality. I took my passport and now can travel, but will not because of the lack of money. Argh. I'm going to set new goals this summer related to the matter.
I wasted the whole evening playing MTG. But of course. What else I am capable of? Deciding my own destiny? Oh, I really am dissatisfied with myself, wasting my precious time I could have spent on studying, learning new stuff, improving myself. Now I know why I've constantly remembered the song "Are you better off alone" and reminded myself that I was actually kind of improving... Well, I am wrong at that point, I am sure. Comparing me from 2 months ago and the present me, I like the latter more. But still I have so many things to change and make better in myself, that days like this - when I realize I could have spent time more effectively - make me despise myself.
Listen here everybody: I know that the best is yet to come.

My Teaspoon Full of Coffee

Mmm, coffee. It's exams time and I have a chance to drink it. Oh, I can even feel my brains getting drained and making salto-mortale and this is only after a teaspoon of coffee. Yes, I know caffeine begins to have an effect only half an hour after the intake - but my brain is agitated already.
Anyway, I've spent a day playing MTG. It turned out 'we cannot prepare for exams together'. Gosh, no one tried, no one hoped, I guess.
We got stuck in the elevator in the evening. Eternal fun. Yup, it was irony (Sheldon's comment implied).
On MTG: I wanted a control deck, The Mighty Quinn, but he wanted to play against a Fish, so we printed proxies of the latter. Nah, I did not know the deck, so it was my defeat, not fast, but still pretty miserable. I guess, the part that I like about MTG is that it has a lot of different cards with cool pictures and "quotes" and some history behind it (I mostly find the background too flat, but sometimes it is fun). Well, I only played thrice in my life and he made a conclusion I didn't like MTG overall.
Nope, I was slightly not caring enough because I've taken twice the dose yesterday. I know that with these pills it's a no-no for me, but it was inevitable for I forgot to take a pill on Saturday (oh, was there a Saturday last week?). So today I felt just like a schoolgirl - my very old me, not caring about anything at all, getting weird ideas and thoughts, without any will to continue a conversation/action/life. Well, that type of me. I am still like that now, that's why I am going to panic tomorrow, after I find out that I am not prepared for the exam which is on Thursday. Oh wow, I thought I didn't have time. Well, tomorrow I have to go to the University, so I'll waste half of the day. I hope coffee will help me today and I'll learn something. I wanted to finish the first book (of two) today. It's quite impossible. 500 pages to read and remember is unbearable even for an intoxicated brain.

My Body Advice

Remember I felt sleepy yesterday? Well, I decided to hit the sack for half an hour and then begin reading for the exam. Yeah... Here I am, I got up at 05.36 a.m. I did not want to believe it, because the last words I said on the phone were 'Nope, I'm not sleeping, I'll get up in 30 minutes'.
I've noticed that lately I've been waking up at half past 5 in the morning whenever I went to bed (something is grammatically wrong with this sentence, isn't it?). I guess, that was my body telling me I should actually come back to the times of my better sleeping pattern. Well, now as I've found my body rhythm I am invincible. But it's raining and on rainy days I always feel sleepy...

My Salvation

He came to me when I was crying. Well, technically I came to him, but that's not important. Maybe it's because I drove a car at night, which calms me in a way, but I tend to think it's because he, like a star from the sky, has fallen into my arms this night. But of course, I've fallen in his.
I want to tell you about how my dreams are coming true. Nope, it's something more than just that. It's always something more, something better when he is around. And it's pretty much impossible for me to be apart from him. Yes, I have my TV series and books but it does not substitute him in my world.
We skipped breakfast and my lunch was at 4.30 p.m.
Where did all the big socks go, I could not find any out there. It is strange. It's not actually strange that I don't have clothes for a guy in the house. Haha. I begin to think that I'm a big girl now, but I'm still such a kid.
Somehow, I feel very tired and sleepy all of a sudden.

My Nothing Special

I'm sitting in my car, the best place to think, getting tired of listening to my R.E.M. disc for the second time. So switching to the radio again.
I am lost in between many things that people are showing me. I am getting interested in MTG, learning stuff about starcraft that I did not know, I started reading a comic my friend told me about. Well, it's like I have nothing that belongs to me. I do not feel myself as something unique and independent any more. I thought that way some time ago. Was I even right to think that?
I'm influenced by everything: my feelings, events around me, I used to empathize and worry about too many things.
Where is my a-kanji-a-day? Does this short story count as a book-a-week?
I know that's what happens when you begin a relationship with a human being, but it still is frustrating. (Maybe I am blaming the relationships now not to be frustrated by myself).
What do I have? I am nothing special if you exclude my craziness and inadequacy.
When he is not around I fell the same I felt before, I know that. I am afraid of people, nervous around new ones, running away from challenges etc.
It's just a sad, sad evening, I guess. But I won't cry. No.

P.S. Mah, I'm crying.

Our Morning

How can a person be so handsome and loveable? I can't get it, really.
With a little lie created mostly by me (yup, low morality and high quality of logics and imagination and, as we mentioned those, I'm superb overall), executed by him, resulted in us spending the night together. Nothing funny implied. I slept pretty badly but it was marvelous to wake up and see his face just in front of me.
Ah, by the way, I got an excellent mark for my first exam. It's a pity that my friend got just 'good' but I suppose she'll do better than me later. I actually spent little time preparing for the exam but my work during these two years paid me back. It's full of bathos, but it's true. I am kind of sure that everything is going to be alright. I guess I should blame him for this, because everything related to him gives me strength and love - everything you need for success (I don't want to think that hatred can give you something genuinely good).
We discussed the past, mostly this time, this and that. And events from around the 7th of April, which are not covered in this blog.
Now, while he's at the doctor's, I'll clean up the room a little bit and start thinking about the next exam, which is on the 3rd of June.
It is still cold outside, no sight of 'sharp change from cold to heat'. It is brighter though. Or is it just from my perspective on this shiny happy morning?

My Self-Control

The title is full of irony.
Kissing him passionately instead of learning texts for tomorrow I thought that I slowly drive myself to the edge. So, when I fall I will fall hard and end up in deadly frustration. Oh, it seems so artificial to write this, actually.
Well, it is the time for me to show myself the strength that I have, the willpower, the capacity of my brain and intense will to succeed.
I finally finished the book from the past week. Huuuh, it sucks.
The exam is in 15 hours. I have lots of time. I have all the time I need. I have a time machine! (nope, I do not)...
Anyway I am happy and calm and strong and smart and I will have it all.

My First Kiss

I've realized that I'm writing here mostly on days when I see my beloved one.
Oh, wow. I've just gone to wash my face and actually continued this post in my head. I guess, I should write it before I do something else this morning.
I'm writing about yesterday because on 25th I was exceptionally tired. I've spent 6 hours with my friends talking about how much they drunk at school plus they played a few MTG games. I tried to read my essays for the exam, which is tomorrow. Pretty much FAIL, obviously. I had to leave my car at the Uni because of the severe traffic jam. In the evening we spent more time together. I suppose I should not let him stay so late, but I've always let myself do what I wanted and watched the consequences. So...
He makes quite the same jokes that my bro has been doing for years, so I even cried a little (hope he didn't see that). He does that differently but it still is very offending. I am touchy after all. Well, who isn't.
My tickling does not work on him, which makes me sad.
Ghm, we kissed for the first time. Oh my, I loved that *hysteric laugh* That's everything that goes to the title. But it is the biggest event for me.
Do my posts become more and more romantic and intimate? I will try not to write like that any more. But that what makes my, well, everything right now.
Erm, I guess I should really concentrate on my exams.
Huh, I dreamed of Starcraft game tonight. I wonder why... It surely was not my best experience of the day. Or did we spent more time talking about the game than anything else?
And I want to make a confession. I did not finish reading the book the previous week.
I'm changing so much in so little time that I can feel the old me staying behind, becoming some sort of a frightening creature. It is crawling inside of me, growing and gaining strength to come out at the most unpredictable moment to destroy everything and tell me that it would have been better if I had been alone. I can pretty much feel that. But screw it, I want to become stronger than that creature can ever be. And I know I can for I have the power of my heart and self-confidence through people near me.
I want to write more because yesterday was fun and I though a lot, but I really have to go and learn something for tomorrow after I'm done with the house chores.

My Q-Zar Round

I've been invited to the first birthday party in 1,5 years. And it was awesome, of course.
Can you believe I've made so many acquaintances in a day:
1 starcraft guy
2 medics
1 architect.
Whohoo! I'm proud of myself.

My Happy Nose

My nose is happy. I am too, but not as much. Just kidding.
No more verbs about the day.
2 zachots (idiocy within). completed coursepaper. pack of paper. favorite cake. no dreams about future and a whole lot of skepticism. starcraft and anime jokes. lots of exploration and investigation. sleep and wakefulness (what a word!). too much laughing and tickle. late hours.
And I'm still not talking. Damn me (I am saying damn 15x times more this week). Words and thoughts should be said. That's what they are for [mostly].
But still it is extremely good. It's way tooo gooood and I like that. Feeling more alive that way.
Now I am too sleepy to write anything else. Will go to bed and read because I have to. Will wake up early tomorrow. Really will.

P.S. No, not because I have to - because I want to.

My Hands Lock and Morality

Once my superstitious school teacher of history said in class that your hands indicate what part of brain is dominating - the way you put them in the lock (finger after finger from one hand then another, you know that 'pose'). So, just for fun without really thinking about the consequences I decided to change the way I put my hands in lock. Now my thumb of the left hand is on the top though before the right one was.
I am not sure that what my teacher said was right (I actually doubt it, never heard of scientifically proven facts on the matter) but after that somewhere inside I realized that a man can change anything in himself - from such small things, that seemed natural for him from the time he learned how to lock his hands, to much bigger things (i.e. the brain, if the theory of the teacher was right).
It's just one of the lessons I learned.
And sometimes the thought comes to my mind: I want to change my life. Well, I definitely have everything I need for that - I have myself and my willpower.
And yet another thing I understood lately (mostly after I read my bro's paper) that I'm young and inexperienced in many things and I'm still getting used to myself. So, what I am doing now is making acquaintance with myself, knowing my powers and my weak sides. And I'm setting those things myself: I give me goals/tasks/todos and wait for the results. What I'm trying to say is you can only know yourself through doing things, not sitting and thinking about life (that was taken from Goethe) and more than that you have an ultimate responsibility before yourself. When you upset yourself with the outcome, your self-esteem goes down, you won't believe in your strength, you will set easier tasks because you won't expect much of yourself anymore. Thinking about that stuff is slightly mingboggling.
And recently (after I spoke with granny and parents about my bf - for quite a long time) I've started to pay attention to the development of the society. How much things changed since my parents were like me. I was born in the world after the sexual revolution, after the 1990-s events in Russia, after the Internet was introduced. I was growing up in the world of freedom in everything - thoughts, mass media, information, relationships, government actions etc. I am really surprised how I become who I am with all these prejudices over smoking, drinking, making out in public... I guess my parents gave me that through upbringing. But still my morality differs from theirs. Some things seem sound to me, reasonable and normal while they think of them as unacceptable and vice versa. Maybe it's only me against the whole world thinking the other way (oh, noes) but I like to shift it on the society (with Eddie Vedder on my mind). Indeed, I feel a little bit like its crazy breed.