My Why

Why do I feel so sad, from day to day, every second trying to forget that I actually hate myself?
Why do I take every chance to degrade and turn myself down and always avoid really good stuff?
Why am I stressed out and rest makes me feel guilty?
Why do I feel pity for myself?
Why do I have so many dreams and goals and never do anything to achieve them?
Why don't I give full dedication to anything while able to do so?
Why do I act half-hearted and why real things don't make me feel good and raise my mood?
Why do I think that life is not fair while I know that I don't deserve the prize?
Why do I act so immature?
Why do I judge people while I have so much to be ashamed of?
Why doesn't my boyfriend makes me happy and why am I staying in this relationship?
Why don't I try to spend more time with friends and family?
Why do I waste so much time doing nothing useful?

P.S. NaNoWriMo has taught me one thing - what matters is quantity not quality (which is absurd, but I'm going to use this for the blog, because this is my Captain's log and I want to post here as much as I can, even if it means I will be embarrassed for grammar later).