My Shaking Blue Hands

I feel much better today. I actually feel alive and kicking. And I'm listening to Nickelback, so I'm full of power right now.
Yesterday I felt dizzy, almost fainted in the bath, looking at my - whoa - blue palms. Well, everything is better now. I can stand and walk without any trouble.
Being in a relationship really gives me many things to think about and from a different point of view. Like what the happiness really is and what this life is about - because there is somebody out there caring for you, and you can't just think that someday you'll drop the relationship to move on and get what you've been dreaming about your whole life. Or will you?
Well, actually it was that song of NB:

"And damn it, this feels too right
It's just like deja vu
Me standing here with you

So I'll be holding my breath
Could this be the end?
Is it that moment when
I find the one that I'll spend forever with"

And I have those kind of deja-vus, too, like everything at the present was meant to be. I can't look in the future, maybe that's for the best. But that made me ask myself whether I would let go of my dreams if I knew I was going to be happy with the person and could live a long and calm life with him by my side.
It was quite a shock for me that I could not answer that right away like I always did - yup, I'll just leave them behind if they are holding me from moving forward. But I stopped and got a little bit anxious about the matter.
I guess, I can't let myself think that I will be alone again: it's too scary. I don't know what it will be like to be alone after I understood what it is like to be with someone. Maybe that's the point in your life after which you will always be around someone. Maybe not. I suppose, if that happens I'll get a whole lot of new experience. Or will revise past times. Anyway, right now I don't want to think about anything like that - I've been ill long enough to be at the edge of failing the exam. 2 days, everything is gonna be alright.