My Freedom

The world is freedom. I have so many opportunities and choices, that it's a little bit confusing.

Damn it feels like delaying the end of the relationship. It saddens me, irritates me, we don't listen to each other. More than that, I don't really want to talk to him because - about what? It seems to me as if I'm losing my time.
Though, I know that with the end of this will come not the freedom but the same old stuff - hiding, breaking inside, crying out loud at night, bad tempering with daybreak and other even more exciting things.
It's so hard to be strong, really. I've already mentioned my wavering grounds. I don't have a base to defend, I don't really have home any more. Why do I still come back here? It's freaking cold.
I can't even tell him I'm crying, because I don't trust him, all he ever does is laugh or act offended. Our worlds are different, they never seem to integrate. But he is not an alien to me. We spend at most 10 hours per week together. But when I am with him I know that he is the only light in my life. Yeah, he destroys everything else through my own hands. But the warmth of his body is something I do not want to lose.
How much longer will that continue? Does he even see what I see? And what am I to him? Certainly, not the first priority. I don't know if I can talk to him about all this. Well, I don't want to bother anyone. That's pretty much why I'm writing this and not discussing it with someone. Because I want to have pride in myself. To stand up and keep my head high. I don't want people to trample on my dreams. I know I've made huge steps forward during previous months. And right now I'm struggling at the next door to open.
If it hurts so much, then it means that it matters, right? And I still care, so it's alright.