My Hugging Pact

I slept over and was late on my zachot today. I rushed on the 8th floor, where everybody stood near the room in which we normally have this class, waved hello to my friends and went straight to the head of my group to tell her I was there.
He came from behind and put his arms around me.

Some time ago I entered into an agreement which consisted only of obligations from both sides: hug when see each other. Yup, I initiated it one day. Sometimes I just hug people through inertia - I got used to hugging people from clubs I'm in, because everybody does that there. This was no exclusion - I just hugged this guy one morning before the lecture.

And then I hugged him the next week.

And we started to hug occasionally when we see each other at the faculty.

When our bodies are so close with our arms squeezing them even closer I feel the instinctive uncontrollable happiness inside.

It is a little bit scary.

But very, very pleasant.

P.S. This guy is the one who consistently tried to touch me in the earlier years of the university studies and I was freaked by that. Several times I told him harshly to stop touching me. And now I long for our rare embraces. Life has a lot of twists and it tends to take your world as if it is a snow globe and shake it - beautiful yet confusing because everything changes and you can not predict how snowflakes will fall this time.

My Coffee Boy

Yay! The whole month has passed since my last post. And let me tell you something: I am moving forward. Slowly, like a cautious turtle, but without going back that much at least.
Lately I've been unpacking my memories a lot, tenderly touching those bruises and scars. It's funny how a person can do so much things that will provide him with uneasiness for a long time afterwards. But I am glad I made a lot of happy memories as well.
This month brought me one more heartbreak, which was so random and unexpected that I was surprised by how I ended up there again. Well, I was not that into the guy, but when somebody tells you that you are not wanted in someone's life it always sucks. Especially when he shows you that he wants you to care for him at first. People can be inconsiderate and inconsistent, I know that. But still that never excuses anyone and it does not dry those tears.
However, the rule of equal exchange or my super powers (as in Max Frei's books) work pretty well.
The boy from my faculty confessed his love to me. He is one of new friends I made this year. He is really sweet and cute and nice and almost everything a girl can dream about. Being loved is a good thing.
Though, my doubts concerned my past and inability to be in a relationship without being a drama queen. I do not want to hurt anyone, because I've been hurt so many times before. I do not want to be the source of pain for someone.
I want this relationship to work. I want to be happy with the person who loves me. But most of all I want to make him the happiest person in the world and love him for his feelings for me.
He is shy and humble in public. He communicates according to Carnegie books. He is a coffee maniac. He has outstanding analyzing abilities. He pays attention to the details. He is a riddle and a mystery to me. But every time we hold hands my heart fills with warmth and calmness and I don't want him to let me go.

My Purpose in Life: Discover Your Life Purpose in 20 Minutes

Ok, I'm still on the path of finding my life purpose.

I have tried this technique a few times before, getting mixed results. But today was kind of different.

The technique (I learned it from Steve Pavlina, of course) is pretty simple: take a sit and make a list of things that answer the question "what is your life purpose".

The points from today's list that are very dear to me and touched some strings in my heart are:

10. to write novels that inspire people

14. to provide motivation for people, inspire them to do what they would like to do

18. to ignite the spark in people, so that they would strive for something more

Moving forward, I realized that my eyes are filled with tears and my heart is beating faster when I typed the following:

51. to live a life that will inspire others
52. to share my inspirations with a soulmate
53. to find a soulmate and live my life with this person, share happiness and discoveries with him, find marvels of the universe with him, know him deeply and have a mutual complete understanding with this person

After these I could not get any other statements that would resonate so deeply with my feelings.

I am not fully satisfied with the result. I mean what's the deal with this idea of "the One"?

So, the next thing I'm going to work on is - to have a view from the above over my life context and values. Because maybe I have some principles that block me from the wider view over the life itself and my purpose in it.

“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.”
― Henry David Thoreau

My Healing

I'm kind of seeing someone again. And I'm so not ready for this.

There is a variety of reasons for me to be sad.

1. he is not experienced with girls and I am not that good at changing people;
2. I am used to bad treatment. Different guys have been doing different stuff with me lately. I got a lot of suffering and pain from that. And now I don't know how to deal with something real. This guy, a good archer by the way, is nice with me, but I keep thinking that it will somehow end badly with someone crying and feeling deceived;
3. I have another person on my mind. I can deal with it, but it is something unresolved. It took me a lot of time and effort to learn how to deal with my unrequired feelings for a friend last time. It took a heartbreak of a person who cared for me, a whole deal of pain, change of diet and restricting a good, one of the best, friends from my life. I am still afraid to touch him or look at him when we meet (pretty rarely and not on purpose). I don't want to hurt this guy. He seems really cute and naive, and I feel a little bit guilty.

My friend calms me with "you don't have to marry him" but that's actually a problem, too. Do I want to invest time in a relationship I would not like to last?

Anyway, I want to be cared for, it's a nice feeling anyway. And I know I'm capable of caring for someone, too.

I don't know why, but people seem to be unaware of the fact that everyone wants to feel special.

I am also slightly frustrated. I sort of let it all go at its own speed and what did I get? We developed a strong connection with a guy from the faculty, a hard gamer: I liked him, he liked me, and that was obvious. But he did not do anything. And he still does nothing, he did not even ask for my mobile phone because we see each other quite frequently. Maybe for him it was not worth fighting for? Anyway, I wanted him to act. And then another guy just comes and lets me know that he wants it all. I guess that's a common story. But it does not get any less disappointing because of that. Ohmygosh, people, ACT AND FIGHT for what you want and care about. Let people know that you care about them and be as clear about this as possible. Don't wait for too long.

3 PhDs away from me

I have spent the day with the person who has 3 PhDs. My English sucks. But he was a pretty nice guy to spend time with. And handsome, too.
I guess I just want to start my own family. Because no matter where I am or who I am with, it does not feel home. And I don't want to act like a kid anymore.

I have an event this evening. A party. I should smile and be happy, and yet I'm so tired after this walk (too cold outside!). But I will bear with it, it's ok.

Tomorrow is working day again.

My Nice Things

I made new friends! And this is so awesome! I dream about them at night and feel very happy during the day. Actually, I think I'm falling in love. Though, in one of the dreams I realized that deep inside of me there is a fear of rejection and I don't want to experience it in real life again. So, I'll try to take the beauty and happiness from this feeling, but no regrets and no harm. I have suffered a lot recently.
One of my new friends gave me a subscription at lastfm. And it was so nice of him. And the other boy complimented me, so I blushed a little: he noticed that I am reading a lot and said that I was beautiful. My old beloved friend brought a vegan sandwich for me before the lecture. I wonder why people do nice things. I mean yes, sometimes you just want to do something good for a person you like, but still...

I am not a strict vegan. This week I ate cheese and some seafood. I continue to think that veganism gives me special powers: control over my emotions and better immune system. Plus, I started to do more sports (and less studying). On the other hand, I am losing my eyesight. I hope it will become better again after a while, just like it always would.

And yes - I want to do nice things to people too. I am just wondering what I can give them. The same question actually concerns my potential future partner. What am I? And what can I give in a relationship?

My Purpose in Life: stating problem

In my life I don't have something that is really valuable. I can try better, work harder, but I don't see the reason behind that. Where is that something I should want with all my heart?
I know I can be much, much more productive. But I lack the purpose in my life.
I have a few hobbies, none of them excites me to the bones so I'd leave all the duties aside.
I have that writing thing, but I'm not so sure. Well, if there is something valuable for me, then I should not hesitate about it, should I?
I declare the beginning of search for the purpose of my life.

Anyway, I try to stop being vegan, because I have some unpleasant health issues (external, not internal) which possibly occurred because of my diet. I will check that. But moving back to eating some fish and diary products is hard. I could not have imagined it a few months ago, but it's true. I like vegan diet, I guess I overall feel better because of it.

My Veganism

I've been vegan for two weeks already. And I pretty much like it. I've been vegetarian two years ago for a month and it was a challenge of will for me — I wanted meat all the time. Now it's all different. I do not want to eat food from which I abstain. And I do that consciously, too.

So, the benefits are:

1. I eat more healthy food. I cook for myself, because I can't find many foods that are purely vegan. But, believe it or not, veganism brought more variety to my meals.

2. I concentrate better (or so it seems). It is less stressful for me to get up, too. But I did not get any rise of brain capacity or anything yet. I doubt that I will, actually.

3. I became less emotional and more self-reserved. Maybe that's not connected to my diet, though.

4. I started reading what's written on the package. I have found out many peculiar things about stuff I eat.

There are some downsides, too:

1. I get a lot of critics of the way I eat. And it is absurd. Moreover, it frustrates me. I want to try new things and new experience, and people want to stop me. I am a rational person, I will not let myself bring damage to my body and – of course – to brain.

2. Almost all fast-foods and cafes do not provide food for vegans or the choice is limited or it's expensive compared to other food. The most surprising thing was that Starbucks do not have anything other than tea for vegans. I counted on them.

I have expectations from this veganism trial:

1. Better cooking skills. I cook more than before, and I see my skills improve. I started trying more spices and their mixes and combinations with different food. But I feel that I'm kind of limited without eggs, because I really want to try baking. I have forms for cake.
   

2. Healthy eating habits. I almost never eat fast food, eat less sweets and consume more vegs and fruits. That might be one of the reasons why I feel healthier now.

3. Knowledge of foods and needs. The knowledge of which vegs are full of proteins or where the iron/calcium can be found is useful.

My vegetarian stuff goes pretty well for the second day.

But I'm drunk again.

Is it really me?

I feel intoxicated and ugly.

Routine sinks me in. But I am fighting for my conscious self as hard as I can. And actually, I've got a lot of power in me.
I bought a simple paper organizer to write down everything and stop forgetting appointments and things to do. It gave me a chance to take a look over my life and plan in advance.
This week I am going lacto-ovo. I remember doing this in late 2009. People were unsupportive back then, they stay pretty much the same. Yet I'm doing this for myself. Lately I've been tracking some changes in my food pattern - I do not enjoy eating meat that much any more. Plus, I want to eat healthier. Going lacto-ovo and then vegetarian will at the very least restrict me from fast food and unhealthy choices I make when eating out.

Yesterday before sleep I pondered over some ideas and this morning I wrote a story. I am not very confident and content with it. It is not a story of happiness but it has a happy end.

I also noticed that I have started to mind my look more than before - doing all this make-up and dying my hair with henna...

By the way, new seasons of my favorite shows have started. So, once my new computer works properly (which I start to doubt) I will watch the episodes.

I have been avoiding blogging for more than half a month. During this time I have completely lost track of time. What did I do yesterday or last week? I have almost no clue.

I am ashamed of what I am now. My moral code was shattered and burnt to ashes. Yeah, some unbreakable basis still persist but I do stuff I thought I’d never do because of my principles. Now I find it pretty much tolerable to smoke or swear out loudly. I do not do that around other people – because my trash is my trash. I do not want people to hear unpleasant stuff or feel the smoke of cigarettes.

I have felt lost when I started doing these three taboo things: smoke, drink and swear. I am not that serious into these activities, but it still frustrates me. The good thing is – now I am a much more tolerable person. I can’t judge people for what I've tried and did for some time.

I was frustrated at myself for the past, for destroying the shallow possibilities, which might not have been any more real than they are now. Ok, saying simpler: I should not have done what I did, because my deeds and words contradicted each other in some sufficient parts. I have thought about it before, but from time to time it all comes to me, hitting harder than ever. Thus, one day I decided that I am not a person I used to be, that I do not deserve some things in this life and can do whatever other people do to destroy themselves. Cigarettes producers promised me death from lung cancer and I embraced the idea without thinking about it much.

I still do not give myself time to think about this. Because when I do (for instance, yesterday I thought about the lost possibilities again) it hurts physically. This pain reminds me of my teenage angst youth, when I could cry through the night, not able to stop the tears. Now my pills get me through the nights somehow.

It sucks.

At around 4 a.m. today I decided to stop swearing at least. I consider this as an unnecessary emotion outburst and a heavy way to express your perception of this world. I do not like when people use harsh language around me. I do not like when I swear.

Actually, I do not like myself. My denial of me is not yet complete. I doubt that I will ever cross the line when I can say without hesitation that I hate myself. I mean, I still have the brain which works finely and entertains me from time to time with peculiar ideas. And I drive a car like a pro (especially when parking in impossible places). I do have positive look on some aspects of my life.

Though, the inability to – strictly speaking – manipulate feelings of other people makes me feel miserable. I still do not get how love affairs arise. What can be done to make a person fall in love with you and why simply giving everything to him does not work? I want to show that I care but it looks pretty miserable – even from my own point of view. I believe that I have completely lost the chance to make it the way I want it to be. It’s whether I made fatal mistakes or just do not deserve it. And that would have been the end of it, I could probably live with the thought and let my affection for this person go, but…

My dreams are uncontrollable. Every night I see him in my dreams. He is as real as he is when I see him. We spend a lot of time together – be it bad time or good time, we are together only in my dreams. We meet rarely in real life. Damn, that “IRL” sounds stupid. And yet again my dreams are much happier and better than my real life. They are the reason why I have lost track of time. One night we have been playing MTG in my dreams. Yeah, it was with all the impossible and marvelous special effects of dreams, but I actually felt that I play much better during the next event. Or the other night we went hiking for at least a week, I felt exhausted during the next day, because we have walked a few hundreds of km. There are other dreams, too. Sometimes I wish I could share them with this person. These dreams are good.

The other reason for my forgetfulness of events in life is that I stopped blogging. Writing everything down helped me to remember and put everything in the right order. I will write here again.

Untouchable Me

The problem is not that people don't want to touch me, actually. I just need more than I get. I let people touch me and I touch them, too. Not enough, though.
A few years ago I feared physical contact and evaded it as much as I could. Now I need people to touch me to feel comfortable around them.
I fall in love frequently, because people are meant to be loved. Everyone is beautiful and should be loved.
Denial and rejection are painful. I want people to feel better in my arms. I guess I possess ideal characteristics for a whore.

And I am lost right now.

My First Role Playing Game

I am not the tolkienist, nor a role-player. But my friends are. This weekend I've spent sleeping in the tent under the rain, my jaws could not meet each other because of cold. I participated in a role playing game based on Firefly universe.
Boy, it was awesome because of many things:

1. Camping. My first time ever spending nights in tent outside of buildings. Cold, cold, cold. People say that being with guys at night is much warmer - maybe I should check this next time.
   
2. People. Simply hilarious. Costumes, acting, speeches, kindness, enthusiasm, creativeness. Players and masters were absolutely awesome.
   
3. Dungeon. I've been to the dungeon as a hacker (there were lots of locks there that only hackers could open). So freaking fantastic game there. I was cherished as a hacker - comrades protected me, sometimes covered me with their bodies... Dangerous stuff all over the place, dead bodies, explosions, poisonous lianas growing on the walls of abandoned science station of Alliance - fun in the essence.
   
4. Cooking and managing life in the nature. I liked cooking for my friends, making tea etc. It was interesting to solve problems of where to find water, interacting with people re: real life.
   
5. Costumes. If you know Firefly, you might guess what kind of clothes we wore. I did not make anything for the game, just picked my normal brown clothes, plus the white coat of a science worker and a straw hat (it's damaged now due to the rain and mud). But some players were in clothes they sew or in costumes of cowboys or something else and it was kind of crazy to look at them. And yet it was very cool.
6. Making friends. I made a few friends at the game. Mostly because I drank alcohol with them. On the last day of the game I've poured in myself around 8 different kinds of alcohol drinks. Coffee with vermouth was the best coffee I've ever tasted (no kidding)! 'Moo' with sweet milk and vodka was surprisingly good. And I've tasted the best whiskey, too. I was a scientist at the lab of FastFix (big corporation) on Silverhold (planet). Our boss (wonderful and talented person) suggested we drank after the game was over, Our lab (me, Vita and Alesten) agreed, so we've spent marvelous evening and night with our boss and his bodyguard, drinking, chatting, playing 'guess' games.
7. Socializing. There was no way I could feel lonely, because I've talked to so many people during the day. And everybody were different, interesting, friendly. I've even fallen in love at night of the last day. Well, I was drunk and did what I love the most - listened to stories. The boss of FastFix corp. was amazing. Sometimes he looked like he was 40, yet he is only 2 years older than me. He has lots of interests, hobbies and thus he is a great talker. I was completely lost in his words and his real life. He is one of those unique people you can come across in life rather rarely. Moreover, his hands are just beautiful - long thin fingers. Together with dark eyes, harsh voice, aquiline nose and black curly hair he seemed utterly beautiful after our conversation and bottle of whiskey after vodka. I wanted to touch him desperately, but I became surprisingly shy all of a sudden. He is not from Moscow, so it's possible I will never see him again (except for games, maybe). And it does not matter, he is still a fantastic guy I've met.
   
8. Being with friends. Good as always.
   

I've found out that I do not get drunk so fast and so erm deeply as my girlfriends. Plus, I don't get sick. But that's maybe because I don't drink much on other days. And I assume that hangovers do not suit me and can't happen because I don't really drink, right?
I did not unzip the info this weekend. And actually, I don't think I need it. I've thought about some stuff from the past, some zipped info came out and it was ok. It sank into my memory. Now it's who I am. And that's my past.
I've got another problem on my mind now - I am not the person, whom people like to touch. It's something subconscious. My friend is completely touchable, by the way. People touch her all the time (though it does not work on me). And I did not get a touch from FastFix president, though he could have done that if he felt like it. It saddens me, because I can find situations like that throughout my life - when I wanted and could have been touched/kissed and was rejected either consciously or not. I would like to find out the reason for that. Maybe I look too grim and serious or it's something else.

My Rooibos

Everything reminds me of something or someone. It is difficult to suppress memories, because I am an average person. This is life anyway. And it is good to be able to remember.
I have bought rooibos tea at the small shop near my work on the day I've bought Monopoly board game. I had a little nice chat with a cute boy who works at the shop. He has marvelous handwriting. I have promised him that I will come back. I plan to buy oolong tea at his shop.
I have bought rooibos because one girl at the Academy told me it was her favorite tea. In the evening of the day I had bought this tea I met with her boyfriend and learned that they had broken up. We had fondue and drank a bottle of white wine. This evening was one of the best evenings of this summer. He was so beautiful that night, so strong and powerful. I slept in his arms and felt like a little girl, who is yet to learn what life is.
On that evening we drank rooibos, too. We both liked it.
The boy, whom I tried to convince to be with me this summer, said that he does not like that tealeafs are drifting on the surface of rooibos tea.
I am drinking it now. The scent of its brewing is something special - and this tea is something special for me.

My Freedom

Freedom is one of the most important concepts for a person. It is something we strive for. We are sensitive to any encroachments on it by others.

This theme emerged yesterday when I was hinted not to limit one's freedom. I was pretty much surprised, because that was not what I intended to do at all. As I thought about it thoroughly, I realized that I might have wanted it on a subconscious level. Plus, for the person who told me that, freedom is substantial right now.

This freedom I am talking about is a specific one. You can call it 'being single', I guess. It constitutes such freedoms as choice to do whatever you want, whenever and with whomever you want to do it.

But from my point of view this very concept of struggling to be free is limiting your freedom. As I see it, he limits himself by constantly questioning his and others' moves and choices whether or not they intrude upon his 'freedom'.

The story itself can be a good example. This person has a great hobby and he is really dedicated to it. I, being curious about other people and their lives, read on the internet about this hobby and became intrigued. I genuinely wanted to try it out, this city orientation with maps and riddles - this should be exciting! So, what I did was write him a message that I would like to go with him on Sunday on one of these events. He interpreted it as my intrusion on his territory. That I am interested in him too much etc. I was utterly surprised by this - he showed fear of a limited person! I could not have imagined him, whose inner strength I secretly admire, to react this way.

But then again, I am at fault here, of course. I should have known better that in this situation he would give such interpretation to my actions. Moreover, I'm not sure myself that this was not the intrusion upon his freedom from my side. Well, I should back off. I don't want him to be uncomfortable.

No matter what it really is for that person (no one can actually know this), but for me such freedom is what I want to get rid of. I want to experience marvels of compromising, deciding something and having fun together. It is not easy for me to understand how a person can deny these opportunities. For me, they would have been too precious to let them slip away.

Back to my recent challenge of suppressing thoughts and archiving memories. My technique is not perfect. I frequently catch myself thinking and remembering what I should not. And yet, the beauty with which it unveils, amazes me. Pretty soon I will let this beauty and power to show themselves in their full bloom. It will be something breathtaking, I am sure of it.

My Separation of Perception and Zipped Information

This post is about my mental separation of information received from the outside world. The moment when I realized that I do that was when I once thought about the time spent with my boyfriend. I have found out that everything was separated into two parts - when I was getting some information from him and everything else. It still feels like my life was divided into the time I've spent with him (not necessarily physically with him) and the other part of my life when I was with my friends, did things that I liked etc. Even when I went to the cinema with him it is still separated in my head between my impressions of the movie and the fact that I was there with him. Quite frequently it is separated so much that I have to spend some time before I realize that different facts correspond each other and happened at the same moment.

I guess this is some kind of an anti-stress block that my mind put on the memories so that I will not remember all the aspects of facts.

Continuing with the theme of mental blocks, I have tried a new one on Sunday. This one is for zipping information which can obviously confuse or hurt me. Zipping technique together with the skill to separate information is a perfect tool to save myself from unnecessary distractions and yet let me enjoy the light and happy memories. I have zipped the information concerning my relationship with a person and put that away. I know that if I keep it away for too long, it will explode one day. So, I am waiting for some time to pass so I can unzip the info and think about it without bleeding too much. I will find the time to evaluate the experience and analyze what happened with a sharp and clear mind and without emotional interruptions.

I've just checked how it works - it is awesome. I met with that person, we had lunch, looked through the photos which we made together and... It was just fine. I really like the way it went, we talked about the news and plans and chatted about other stuff, and it was nice. I feel happy and sound. Anyway, it is a good thing for me.

I give myself a week and a half of this calmness. If nothing happens, I will slowly and cautiously unzip all I have in the dark part of my mind and think about it. I doubt I will postpone it. This time limit is more like the minimum for me. I don't want it to happen any sooner.

My Last Week of Summer (Result)

I did almost everything that I planned for the last week (still have a lot of questions for exam to work on).

The trip to St. Petersburg was something special for me, on different levels - emotional and physical. I have spent 3 whole days with my companion, we parted only for a few hours. I had so much impressions that it seems that a lot of time had passed since I left. I visited only one museum - of chocolate - and did not visit all these fancy touristic places. I mean, I have seen a lot of them, alright. We even went to Peterhof Palace. But now I can say not only that 'I visited St P' but that 'I know the city'. I could have known it better if I was alone (for I would have used the map more => better orientation). Nevertheless we walked a lot around the city, so I have a solid impression about the streets, architecture and people.

On Sunday I overslept, but woke up just in time to rush for the MTG sealed. I have won one game 2:0 and nothing else. But it is still good, I think. Then we (many of Tolarians were there) ate at Udon and went to Yura's place to play D&D. Then I went to parents to show them half of the photos from the trip (the other half is my companion's and I will get them when we meet again).

I have realized that the trip to St.P. did a good thing for me - I do not feel all these romantic confusing stuff that I've felt before. I was and I am sure that I do not need that now. I want a stable relationship with a beloved and loving person. I am not convinced the way that I was before that being with this one certain guy is the best thing that can happen to me now. I guess that sometime ago it might have been true. But the time has passed and I hope this does not change.

My ex-bf started dating a girl. Watching him making the same mistakes that he did when he dated me is kind of sad. But it's not my business and she is a different person. She might be more tolerant to him, accepting him more for who he is. Moreover, I suppose that the way he acted was kind of cute at first. But I remember the time when it started to irritate me, so I am not jealous at all. I wish them happiness.

My Last Week of Summer (Plans)

This week's plans smell fishy. It's like I want to do everything I did not do this summer in the following 5 days. I'm going to St. Petersburg for 3 days tomorrow evening. I have found a guy (quite randomly) who is willing to go. He is nice and I like our conversations. So, the trip is meant to be lovely. We are going alone. We chose the cheapest possible ways to travel and live in the city. Well, I don't mind. I've composed a list of things I want to see there. This will actually be my first time to visit a far-away (ok, it's not that far) place with a friend and not my parents. It's going to be ok, I guess. At least, it suits into my screw-your-life policy.

And on Sunday I plan on playing mtg sealed on SOM block. I love the first two sets in the block, but not the last one. But still, I like poisoning. I'm thinking about building standard deck, by the way. And maybe I'll build it on poison counters strategy. We'll see when Innistrad comes out anyway. Right now it's pretty meaningless for all the awesomeness of the new set that was promised by the Wizards.

I've started studying for the exam, but it goes pretty slowly. Tomorrow I will try to make notes on the half of the questions. Not so much time is left.

Yeah, I want autumn to come. I miss its rains and spicy taste in the air. It feels like home on the planet much more when it's autumn.

My Weird Friendship

I watched 'Dr. Horrible's Sing-along blog' yesterday. It is hilarious, indeed. Now I know why my fiends kept screaming "What!? You have not seen it yet? Watch it today!" Yeah, really worth it.

Erm. I am still screwing with my romantic feelings. Last week I've spent two nights with the guy I want to be with but it actually was 24/7 with someone else on my mind. Hah, and I've told another guy that he should date me because I drive him home quite frequently. And at the end of the week I have a date with a friend. He calls it a weird friendship. We hold hands, hug etc. It's pretty nice to like each other. Because my strong affection brings me a lot of pain... With this guy (actually, "strong man" suits him better) I simply have fun, without thinking much of anything (his gf, for example). It is also good, because it happened that I started behaving like a happy person when he was around. Thus, I cannot change it now, so I have to be happy around him. And, oh boy, it feels great! We had our first date at a Japanese fast-food. We are just friends, just friends.

I've bought shoes of my dreams today. And they are really comfortable. I wish for rain now to wear them. But it still is very hot and sunny.

My Leadership

Right now I'm reading Dale Carnegie again. I actually do that once in a while. Especially this famous book of his - How to win friends and influence people.

And, more or less, I feel myself ready for the new horizons in my life. I want to get acquainted with new people. I want people to know me, to gain their respect.

Being the host of the Tolarian Academy made me think that I did something meaningful, powerful. Organizing people and making them feel good is the whole point of being a social animal. And thinking about what I can do in the future once I become better in leading people with my utter devotion to humanity and complete lack of ill intentions makes me shiver with anticipation and fear. Yes, I am scared of an image of myself talking to strangers. I don't have enough experience. And I am going to work on this.

I've applied for AMC Student Council that will be launched this autumn. Let's see what comes of it.

And I still intend to establish public speaking club and reading club at the University.

My future looks bright and happy. All this is because I become more and more confident. I like where I am going. It's just that I should learn how to manage romantic relationships and control my feelings. Recently they seem to overflow my mind pretty frequently.

My August 2011 Goals

Here they are:

1. Learn French: improve it up to intermediate level
2. Make notes on all questions for the upcoming exam
3. Play bass
4. Read a book on the Universe
5. Keep up with that sport activity habit (I've been doing it for a week already, not going to stop 'cause I like it)
   
6. Play a sealed mtg game and actually play magic better
7. Try meditation
   

My Little Dance and Little Kiss

I gathered the Tolarian Academy at my place on Friday eve. I feel good about it, no matter who opposed. And it went pretty well, too. I'll have to think it through more next time.

I danced a little with him. I really have to learn how to dance. It gives a beautiful feeling of movement. I guess I will ponder over the idea of going to balls at the Uni.

By the way, I miss traveling - I want to see new places! And I miss walks, preferably at the evening or night in the city.

I don't know what faith in the relationship means anymore. Why guys can kiss another girl so freely? Or is it me? Maybe I should stop teasing them, too. Huh. But damn, even if that is not a test of fidelity... When I kissed a girl while dating my bf, I felt so guilty that I could not look him in the eyes. I told him about the kiss and could not kiss him anymore. Because for me it felt like cheating. We broke up shortly after (plus I hugged with another guy, but that was an end for the previous relationship already). Well, another person broke up after we kissed as well. Nevertheless...

Anyway, I want to play mtg better. And I want to find a funky guy and have fun like going everywhere, dancing and enjoying life. An unlimited access to an earlobe might be a good thing, too. But yet, I want a certain person to be that guy. And I know that it is impossible right now. I have regrets in my life now. They may seem artificial and emerged from the offense by the person I loved, but they are here in my mind.

I have understood yet another thing about life: do what you want to do. You should never play with yourself and people. Do what you really want in your heart. Thus you will be yourself and live a happy life. Great advice for me at least.

My First Avenger

Last night I've seen the First Avenger movie. Like most of Marvel movies I've enjoyed it. These movies are positive and heroes overcome lots of challenges. So, now I am motivated and pretty much happy.

Last evening was a really nice one. I like the way I feel around the girl with whom I went to the movie. And I am still smiling at these fondue jokes and our hysterical laugh at the cinema. And the boy has told me nice thing, so that now I feel like being in love again. Though, I really should not. I have endured a lot of pain already. I don't want any more.

My parents went fishing. If everything is fine, I'll go with them the next week. I went fishing once or twice in my life and it was at the river. Mom and Dad do their fishing differently, though. They go to artificial lakes, where fish is bred specially for those, who love lazy and fruitful fishing. Anyway, this is part of my 'take every opportunity your life presents you' philosophy (at least I'm trying to adopt it).

I have met with my ex-bf the other day. He told me some unpleasant things. Yup, that's who he is. And he is still not over our break up. He told me he felt like I've used him and threw away. I know he is partly right. But he was a fool, too. He should have appreciated it when I loved him, because I really did. I gave him a lot, everything I could at the time. And losing a girl, who loved him and forgave a lot of things is his mistake. I am not stainless either, I made my mistakes, too. He also said that I did not give him a chance to repair our relationship, but it was too late for us. Plus, he claimed it was a childish act of mine to break up. That's a funny thing, because he agreed that we were not meant to be together. He did not explain any further, and I don't really care. More hate and ugly things could have come out of him. He looks a little bit pitiful while triumphing over his mean and low actions, desperately trying to hurt me. I wish him happiness, but if his happiness can be acquired only by these dark deeds then I don't want him to be around. I have tried to guide him to humanity and brighter thought flow as much as I could. If he did not want to take it, then it's his problem, really. And I have kind of taught him how to drive a car. I gave him more than I should have, I guess, but I was in love - that's what a lover does for his beloved. And it is not his credit that I have changed so much. This victory is all mine! After this talk I will not thank him for every good thing he did to me. He has no right to blame me for anything. That's ridiculous! We were together and now we are not. A lot of time has passed since the break up, too. Our parting was a rational and logical thing to do. For the both of us it was the best outcome. He claimed that I could have made it a happy-end. Oh my, I've tried that, you know. This really was the best timing.

My Something Special

Today I have found out that one of my classmates (we did not graduate at the same schools, though) gave birth to a child. And I thought that it was cool, because there is something so very special between these two. They are real family now.

I just want something special, too. I have not felt this in a while and I miss it.

I guess I want to date someone.

And, well, I have thought that my friends spoiled me - now I think that guys who don't play MTG are not that interesting. This is hell...

Actually, I have a list of features in a person, which are totally turn-ons for me:

• mtg, yeah! (not always, though)
  
• physics
• ability to whistle melodies
• red hair
• open-mindedness
  
• hats/vests/shirts and jackets

Of course, there is much more. But these are the first to come to mind.

Now I have to live with this monster. It looks at me from the mirror with these red eyes with different pupils.

Remember the song 'My body is a cage' by Peter Gabriel? I think the movie will be awesome!

My Beautiful Space and Time Travel

Today we (Yui and me) went to the Planetarium to see the stars. Oh, it was so beautiful and joyful, that I felt utterly happy. I would have liked to share this happiness with my friends and family. I hope I will share it with them anyway, because such things stay inside, you are obliged to never let them go anywhere.

Last evening I got the strangest compliment of my life - I've been told that I am warm. At first I thought it was creepy - something that a maniac would tell his victim. The real meaning is still unknown.

I started writing some SF space saga, but I have to think about the world and whether or not there will be AI etc. It's hard to decide all this at once and the world seems to be not solid if not thought-through.

There was a storm with lightning and heavy rain tonight. We ate sushi at that time. Too much sushi for me this week. Though, they are never quite enough. This week I've spent like half of the money (or more) that I used to spend during the whole month two years ago.

About time travel. There was this side of a plot in the book by R. Bach (plus, it is a common concept, but who cares) that asked the reader of what he would have told himself at a certain moment of his life. Like when he was 20 or 40? Yeah. Before I have thought that I don't have anything to say myself, because I did not make any serious mistakes (well, except eating that cheesecake and drinking that juice, or something...). But now I know what I would have liked to tell myself at the age of 17. Embrace your life and opportunities. I will not say what have led me to this thought, because it can become a regret based on a non-existent possibility in the past, which is unhealthy. But this one advice, if taken seriously, would have changed my life dramatically. At least, I will try to follow it now and live my life to the fullest. Actually, I can not imagine my life in a few years. Months - yes, but not years. Together with the fact that my pupils differ in size, this comprises my latest little fear.

But it's alright. I feel happy. Everything's fine. Noone has told me that I am not loved this week.

My Foul Ways

Just what am I doing with my life?

I can pretend that this is alright. That I am honest in this situation - I am in love and everything that happens is to his conscience. But that's not true. We are both acting in a foul way.

I do not regret anything that was between us. But this should not have lasted - not like this.

It becomes worse each time, I cry and he suffers. But we do this over and over again. And this should stop, because this is not the way things go between a boy and a girl.

He promised me to be a good boy and control himself. I am going to help him with that.

Now I am more convinced that what we have will not evolve into a good thing. At the very least it will take a great deal of effort. And I am not sure that I am willing to give my everything for that, not anymore. Not when I think he does not want it too.

Once I asked him to be only mine, and he actually broke up with his gf. But seeing him not care for me breaks my heart. He does not have deep feelings for me, that is obvious. C'est la vie, I should have told myself long ago and moved on. But the possibility of us being together drags me back. And this is sad and painful.

We both think that we could have never been a part of such situation. And yet here we are, doing things we did not think we were capable of, lowering our moral values and becoming someone we don't want to be. And this should stop.

My Head Injury

Last Saturday I had my first head trauma.

In my life I've never broken a bone and did not have any serious physical damage. Although, once I had a severe allergic reaction and once I fell into a human-height hole in the floor. But nothing other than that, I really care for my body because I was raised like that by my parents and it's deep inside my philosophy.

So, last Saturday I had food poisoning, which led, due to the additional influence of a foul environment around me at the time, to my faint. I fell on the tiled floor and hit my head. The fall was much smoother because of my dad's intrusion - he grabbed my shoulder.

I did not break anything, but doctors were unsure of my state and proposed an intense medical care at the hospital. We declined this. And it seems that we were right. I did not have symptoms of a concussion. Days have passed and I feel perfectly fine.

During the 15 seconds (as my dad declared) for which I passed out I saw a dream. And a lot of time has passed in it, so I had to concentrate on reality for a while when I regained consciousness. I don't remember clearly what I saw. There were people, who cared - that's what I felt. It was a good dream.

Well, I have changed some of my plans after this Saturday.

The first change goes like this: never ever do anything that will cause additional damage to your body and especially to the brain. Anything can happen without your participation or intent and it can be enough to kill you. So, I will not drink or smoke or put myself in dangerous situations. Because I plan to live forever and I should try to preserve my brain before I will be able to preserve my consciousness in some other way.

The second concerns the previous post. If I die tomorrow I want to be in love with someone - not trying to kill this beautiful thing inside of me. The latter sounds kind of stupid, really. It was unwise to meddle with my own feelings in this way.

My Anger Phase

I have entered the anger phase.

Why the hell our relationship did not work? Damn him and me and these stupid feelings. I hate all this.

Yesterday I was weak. I have learned that he is ill and went to him with tea and a sweet roll. I like to care about people. But damn it.

I want to be like him, actually - knowing a lot of people who can come to your place in the evening. Yeah, I am not loved like that even by this small circle of friends I have. And that's sad.

I told him about my plan and - oh noes - he did not have any objections. Well, of course, I am not hoping for it to work out, because something always happens at the last moment. But erm... It's settled until then.

Anyhow, it went pretty well yesterday. Yes, I still have feelings (and I'm so angrrry) but they are ok. I can control them.

Damn it, damn, damn, damn.

And I won at Jackal board game.

My Cruel Games

How in the world can you make a person care about you?

How does 'falling in love' work?

And why why why am I not loved?

No, I'm fine. I'm doing perfectly well, actually. Like it does not matter and all the plans that I was thinking through yesterday are just a small step back.

Even though I am a needy person, I don't need him. I don't want to be with him anymore. Right?

My love drama is tiring. I could have waited much longer, but friends keep telling me that the amount of time that he needs to break up with his gf is unknown. And I am so tired of this hoping and screwing my mind and playing with my feelings. So, this is my last game. Now I am going to win against myself. The stakes are unknown yet. The prize is undeclared. I do not have a character of a gambler, my excitement ends with pain. But still, I guess I am a strong player. It's just I have to remember that my opponent is strong, too.

But really, we are idiots. How I wanted it to be simple at the very beginning. He should have said a clear 'No' and I should not have bothered him. And yet it was so dazzlingly beautiful that sometimes I think that it was worth all the pain and is worth all the future pain, too. Yes, I am mistaken. Or I might be, at least.

The things I think and stuff I do seems so miserable and unnecessary. And it surely does not lead to my happiness. And the best option for me right now is to stay strong and forget about all the good times we had together, and how I dressed for him every Thursday, and our talk at my first draft (which keeps coming to my mind again and again). And the most destructible thing - thinking about what I could have done differently and what could have happened if I did other choices in the past.

My Blabber

Yesterday I thought it would be harder to live like that. Today I know that it's hard. But I am doing just fine.

I'm typing from work, because in the evening I went to my parents' place as I had to retrieve some spare parts for the shower (I got mine broken the other day). I had almost no internet (a few videos of Muse from mobile does not count) as my computer there has this NFS error. I am still remembering what to do with it, but I am sure that this is not a good stuff. I should buy additional hard discs...

Anyhow, today I am going to the cinema with a girl. I hope we will get the tickets for this new Harry Potter film. Plus, going to the cinema with her simply ROCKS, so I'm happy for myself.

He wrote me an sms today. Totally an emergency one, so I replied. Nothing personal. I guess he knows what I'm going through. And it's good that he respects this.

Today I think about the time we have spent together more than yesterday. I'm remembering some scenes, like deem light from the window as the morning slowly comes and holding hands in McD... And I should not think about it.

Oh, should I give him time to realize and see everything that we can be? Hell no, no, no. Though, I feel like falling apart. I was fighting for something that never existed and the chances of it to appear were low. But hope, being a silly thing, is a strong thing at the same time.

All this blabber gets on my nerves, actually. All these thoughts and feelings are stressful and unneeded. I get it, I should let go. And yes, it hurts. And I will be alright. This is the lesson I should learn at this moment of my life. It will make me stronger. I will overcome my doubts and fears. I will understand what is worth believing in and what is not. It'll make me a wiser person.

I don't think that this is the time I start building walls around myself. I guess the later it happens the better. Openness is something I cherish, for it helped me to get over the depression many times before. I like telling my story to people, as you can see. Though, I don't really feel like talking about this, because it upsets me.

I do not intend to bore anyone with my life drama. I'm writing all this here to ease my mind, so I will lighten my burdens and feel better.

My Panic Attack

I've had a thing that I call 'a panic attack' today. I have not had them in a year or so, I guess.

Yes, the reason is an unrequired love - or the remains of it. Trying to kill it every day for a month from the both sides is kind of effective. I decided that it would be better to finish it off as soon as possible. It will be better for him and me.

I started re-reading 'The Bridge Across Forever' by Richard Bach. I am remembering some fragments of the plot, but don't remember the main story to the fullest. The thing is - this novel is about the idea of 'the One'.

He does not love me, that is obvious. Still, I was (and wanted to be) blind. Because hope is so tempting and warming, that I did not want to let go. And I've promised and said things that I wish everybody heard once in his/her life. I have never said them, neither have I felt like this before. Loving a person the way he is - that's something so beautiful and heartbreaking, that I'm crying while typing this. It is a misfortune to kill these feelings and it is an unbearable pain to keep them.

I realize that the way things are around me right now is not the way I want them to be. I lowered my moral principles and thought that it was worth it. But people come and go, and I stay before my own judgement.

Yes, I don't want to be alone. But even less do I want to lose myself.

Starting tomorrow I will not see him or talk to him (except in emergency or utter necessity) before I am sure that I have no romantic feelings for him. And I will set my mind on positive thinking. And I will do the impossible and be the invincible.

My Heartbreaks

He did not let me be happy even for a week. He broke my heart again. Yesterday I thought that the next one will be the last one for sure.

But today everything's changed and I don't feel the same.

When he says he does not love me, I don't believe him. He is mistaken. A person not in love won't do what he does and the way he does that.

We went to the Planetarium together to hear the lecture on black holes. I showed him to my parents, who were there, too. After that he told me he hoped I had not presented him as my boyfriend. 'No, I did not', I told him, 'because we are not dating'. Though, I think we kind of do: we watch K-on and Dr Katz together, we share our meals, we do stuff in bed, we kiss and hold hands.

He told me that I deserve better - that a person, who can love should be loved. Yet again, I don't believe him. Even if I deserve better, life's not fair. I wanted him for a long time, I wished for us to be happy together. I know I should have wished he loved me. I guess, I still do want him to love me.

I think that the one who rushes things now is him. It's been only slightly more than a month since we hugged for the first time. I don't know how it works but it gets on my nerves that he tries to break my heart so freaking periodically. Why can't he just give it a rest and have fun?

Sometimes I feel like my dreams are much more real than anything that happens when I am awake. And, well, tonight I saw another person. We chatted for a while before I went to sleep yesterday. And I've dreamed of him.

That's it. I am ready to let go.

Yes, my mind is still set on all these plans to make him love me, but my heart is not there anymore.

And I don't think it is enough. It will never be enough. It's just how it works for me.

Everything is going to be alright.

My Evening Free of Duties

I failed the last exam for an unknown reason. I am still content that I know the subject just alright.
I wish myself a great deal of patience for my family will remind me of this every day of the next two months. And this sucks much more than the fact that I will need to waste more time on this in autumn.

Anyway, the next week I will start working again and this is actually good, as my thoughts will drift away from one things to things that I will be payed for.

I want no more lies. I am in love and I am happy to think that he is willing to spend time with me. I am not going to let go, not that easily. Especially when I am sure that I can make his life better and happier just being around him with the love in my heart.

Oh, it's so good to be free of any duties, just for tonight. I really need to rest and ease my mind after all this stress of the past month.

My Fireworks

Yeah, the day has come. And yes, it was kind of like fireworks.
Whatever comes, just for a while, I will let myself be happy.
Plus, I don't think that I have to do anything. Being happy is enough for me and he does not mind, as I can see *irony*
We will not meet for a few days and - yay! - then I will be as unreachable as a full-time working person can be.
But everything aside, I have left one day before exam to read all the material again. I am a super girl, alright!
And, well, 'together we are invincible'...

Plus, this day is one of the most significant in my life, as I thought it would be.

My Small Steps and Giant Leaps

Tonight, after telling yet another person about my love life, and listening to what Vita had to tell me, I realized that I grew even stronger.
She made me feel like a giant compared to the midget that I was an hour ago. She gave me self-confidence that seemed to be fading away. Now I have even more of that inside. No one will ever break me, not at such moments of my triumph!
I have thought of how much stronger I grew from the moment when I first met the guy till the moment I told him about my feelings. But today I made a really giant leap forward. And I deserve it.

My Flames

Inside me there is a fire. And everything, everything is going to be burnt to ashes. But I am made of steel. Thus, I'm indestructible.

I am tired of being afraid and uncertain. My heart demands storm. I want to argue with people. I want to be loved and hated. I want strong and deep emotions. I want to laugh out loudly and cry till my eyes hurt. I do not want to look out of the window, waiting for something to happen. I want to grab it all with my own hands.

Yeah, but before that I will sit there for 5 more days and read wise books for my exams.

My Dreaming

Yesterday before going to sleep I read a few articles (wikipedia was the best of the sources, actually) on lucid dreams. The first advice there was to start a journal and write down your dreams there to remember them better.
I do remember my dreams from tonight in good details and as I think, I remember most of them (3 or 4, not sure how to separate them). Yes, I forget the details pretty soon after I wake up, too. But writing dreams down takes a lot of time, and describing briefly does not have the required effect, as I see it.
But that's a good start anyway - to remember so many dreams from one night.
Yet again, I tried to use dreams tonight to see a certain person, because I kind of miss him. So, lying in bed I began remembering all the time we spent together in past few weeks, but it was painfully closed in my mind. That made me back off, of course. I realized that this was the sealed place of my memories that keeps me from the further heartbreak and pain. Though, this person was at the end of the last dream, before I woke up completely - he called me on mobile and said that he was at the Uni, so I could come. I said I'd be there, and went to tell this to my parents (who were in my dreams, too). So yes, I heard his voice.
What makes me feel uncomfortable about lucid dreaming is that I love my dreams, they are bright, interesting and full of events. If I use those techniques will that go away or become even better? Uncertainty kind of keeps me from trying harder. Though, I would like to set themes for my dreams - that would give me a chance to spend my sleep time on solving relationships and ethic problems.
I completely overslept today. I wanted to wake up at 9 a.m. max, but got up at almost 12 a.m. This sucks. I have a lot to read for the next exam. So one-day preparation is not an option.

My Failed Postcard

I took books from the shelf to start preparing for the next exam. Between them was the card with "The day without you... is like a day without Sun". I wanted to give it to my (oh boy) ex-bf before he left for a few days for a conference. We did not meet anyway, and that led to not meeting for almost half a month, which led to something else, etc, etc.
Thus, what would have happened if I gave him the card before he left? Would that have saved our relationship for a few more weeks?
I am still confused at how easily I took our break-up. I know that just after it I had a really big emotional outburst, but it does not excuse me a bit.

My Painful Days

Last time I seriously cried at "Everybody hurts" by R.E.M. in my car after the Tolarian Academy last week.
And now I cried a bit after dad told me that they need my support, i.e. no problems with exams, now more than ever. And I thought that I can not live even to my own expectations, apart from others' expectations.
Ah, I don't want to fail the exam tomorrow, too. But the only thing that can help me is luck. Because if I do not sleep and study instead, I dramatically lower my chances of passing exam and being mentally stable. And I will need that tomorrow.

My Dignity and Pride

Though it does not hurt me that much anymore, I still think about all this a lot.
I ponder over the concept of 'fighting for your love' - but what does that actually mean? I am not sure that I want to do anything about this, because we have talked so much with him, and he pretty much gave me his response. So, 'fighting' will bring him uneasiness and will probably end our friendship (or whatever we have between us).
It's not that I am going to give up on anything (i.e. my feelings for him), but I want to feel good about myself, not giving this 'miserable' presence of a broken-hearted person, who is not able to let go. I understand and respect his choice, but it is not OK with me, of course.
I know that I can be with him in a long-term relationship. He keeps telling me that I imagine him in my head to be an ideal person, but that's not true. That's just that I am willing to forgive and forget, I am accepting him for what he is, isn't that what your friends do anyways? I do that for different people for different reasons. It's not because I think that my friends are the best people in the world, but the are my people.
From time to time I have to stop the flow of my thoughts for I really start imagining my future in the least possible way to come. Ah, those romantic delusions that every girl has had at least once in her life.
What I am going to say is that whatever happens between us, I want to take it with all my dignity and pride.
And, well, be it a month, a year or a life for him to come to me, I will be there for him. But I don't want him to feel bad about anything. So, I'll just be there, picking my way of fighting for the one I care the most.

My Almost Date

I had a very nice day today.
I had breakfast at McD, played magic (and won approx. 1/5 of games), held bass guitar in my hands and had a first lesson of playing it. I even got homework from my teacher.
We hung out with this guy, whom I gave a ride the other day, after staying late at the Tolarian Academy. He mentioned that he played bass, so I poked him yesterday about giving me a lesson or two. So, we met today at 11 a.m.
It's just about this big and shiny idea that will take my mind away from everything else - playing bass can do that, I guess.
And oh, how cool he looked with his bass, argh! And he kind of gives an impression of Scott Pilgrim, too *giggles*
Yeah, about the title: having free time on our hands, he actually suggested stuff like seeing a movie or going for a walk together. After I came home, in the evening, I felt like it was almost a date. Though, nothing interesting is in the cinema (or we both have watched it already), and I had my car parked near the mall, where we met. So, we just went to his place (second time I have been there, by the way - the first one when I gave him a ride home, he made me some tea at night).
I still can't remember what his eyes look like. But he really is a cool character in my life. With all his snowboarding, physics, bass, ripped jeans (but in a cute way), bright T-shirts and wristbands that match his sneakers in color - he is that comfy-cool guy and I like that.
Now I am eager to get my own bass (or lend it from someone)! I really want to practice! It's like I hear bass in every song I listen to. Yay! I am going to be a bass player!

Crappy feelings, stupid brains, why the heck it hurts so much again? I do not want to be hurt by my thoughts anymore. I am delusional that things will work out themselves, that it is going to be alright. It is not.
I am a rational person, I should understand what is happening. It is some sort of a cell, though. My thoughts keep coming back to what brings me pain.
I am not in love anyway. I am willing to invest feelings and efforts in this, but he is not. Thus, I should back off.
It's just that I've never seen someone want me so badly physically. In my system of relationships this contradicts the 'no spark' situation. Damn.

Yeah, screw everybody who feels offended by what I am writing here. This is my blog and am free to write here things that I want to.

I need an idea that will take my mind away from this. I need something big and shiny.

My Jung Tests

There is this test, which I take once in a while. I thought that it would be a good idea to post all the results here, because I have them in random blogs and it takes time to find them every time. Blogger is better for information storage and accessibility is higher, too.

In 2006:
INFJ

Introverted 56
Intuitive 50
Feeling 25
Judging 22

• moderately expressed introvert
• moderately expressed intuitive personality
• moderately expressed feeling personality
• slightly expressed judging personality

In 2008:
INTJ

Introverted 89
Intuitive 38
Thinking 12
Judging 67

• very expressed introvert
• moderately expressed intuitive personality
• slightly expressed thinking personality
• distinctively expressed judging personality

In 2010 (October):
INTJ

Introverted 89
Intuitive 50
Thinking 1
Judging 67

In 2011 (today):
INFJ

Introverted 67
Intuitive 50
Feeling 38
Judging 89

• distinctively expressed introvert
  
• moderately expressed intuitive personality
  
• moderately expressed feeling personality
  
• very expressed judging personality

My Blind Trust

Yesterday I walked my friend, holding his hand, while he closed his eyes.
I can only guess what he had experienced, but that felt good for me, too. Knowing that you are trusted warms you from the inside. He promised that he would walk me like that someday as well.
I feel comfortable with people lately, which makes me think of how much progress I made in socialising. Some things are still confusing, but I deal with it alright. And I like people, I really do. They make me feel happy, and I know that without friends I would not have been what I am. And blah-blah-blah, I am talking unnecessary stuff actually.

My Demagogy and Laziness

At the weekend I had a 'rough' talk with my parents. I have told them that they made me feel pitiful and bad about myself. And that I did not like that.
Earlier that day Dad said that he sees his children (i.e. me and bro) as demagogues and loafers. It hurt a little bit. I may seem like that when I come to their place, because they have that sleepy atmosphere at weekends, but damn it, I work pretty hard.
Plus it made me sick to see them act the way that they had been teaching us not to. It's like seeing your teacher make mistakes that he himself had told you were unacceptable.
And I was devastated to see them not care about each other. I have realised that we actually do not care whether we make each other happy. Like feeding the granny's cat - it was always the lowest priority, but damn why not do this if granny asked us and she would feel more comfortable if we do feed the cat.
Anyway, after the talk I took my bro and we left, saying something like: "let's get out of here asap'.
The next day dad called and said sorry, so did I.
It's just that lately it does not feel like home at my parents' place.

My Walk from University to Lubyanka

The title pretty much says it all.
Yui and I, we walked to the center of the city on our own, without using much of maps and transport (only our legs). That took about 3,5-4 hours (we made a big detour and stopped in the park at Frunzenskaya to take photos and rest a little bit).
We did that after the exam (I got the second 'good' mark). I had to go home change my shoes to older ones and put on T-shirt instead of my white shirt, which I like wearing on exams.
Anyway, that was superb. I feel really proud of myself. It's the power of knowing that you planned something hilarious and you did that.
We talked a lot, about dreams, time-travel and all kind of stuff, we hold hands, sang random songs (including our own song about Ireland, it's a pity that we forgot almost everything from it, though) and we had really good time together.
Plus we ate (at last) at the cafe, that Yui wanted to show me for a while. And it is a very nice and cosy place with friendly staff. We got free ice-cream, too. Very nice place, indeed.

On Hope

But groundless hope, like unconditional love, is the only kind worth having.

John Perry Barlow

My Selfish Desires

This blog has more than 300 posts now. This one is 305th.

Back from statistics to my life.
These past few days were all about me - what I want and need, how I feel etc.
Well, that gave me a chill this evening. I have told myself to stop this policy before it changes me into what I don't want to be.

I am the person who likes to help people. I want to give them myself, completely and unconditionally. And yet my desires and intentions were not that pure lately.

So, I'm going to ask myself before I do anything else: what can I actually give, and is it worth the thing that I demand in return?

I really like to see people grow, to see them think about life, while gently guiding them to the optimistic state of mind.

I was amazed at how strong I became during these 3 years that I'm writing in this blog.
I can start a conversation with a total stranger and do not feel uncomfortable about it (vice versa most of the times).
I can bear with heart break of any kind.
I overcome my fears more easily.

Though, I may be in the ashes right now, I am sure I can rise and be even more powerful than I was before. And I know that I want people around me to have that power, too. I want to bring change into their lives. I should not want anything in return, neither should I cherish groundless hopes, even if they are so tempting.

Speaking of more realistic things: I have the next exam in 3 days and I should start cramming, the sooner the better.

My Crying in the Doorway

We broke up.
It got me after a call, actually. Just a simple mobile phone call. I know I should not have cried. And the reason for my crying is somewhere else.

I cried, leaning at the doorway, sitting there on the floor. I felt that I could not move any more after I made a few steps to the bathroom.

I used quite the same mantra that I used during my first year at the Uni. It was slightly changed though.

I am strong.
Hope is a foolish feeling.
Everything is going to be alright.
I swear it's going to be OK.

My meds are working just fine. But still I could not eat for two days. And I could not get myself to sleep, and for that I mostly blame my recent sleep pattern.

It actually took me a few years to realise what I wanted. My life has been circling around this one idea. I was not blind. I guess I was afraid. I still am.

But everything is going to be alright, because I promised it to myself.

My Live TV Show

If I was a fangirl of my life, which was some drama show, I would have been squealing right now. And erm, I do squeal but with hands shaking and nearly-swooning state.

And hey, future, I am laughing out loud at your possibilities. They are so untrue that it's driving me crazy.

My Alternate Reality

I have done the impossible thing today - started the alternate reality. Unfortunately, this was kind of a closed space, so I am not really able to live in that universe. Yet, I am back to my own world. And I am not and should not be pessimistic about it.

My Placidity

Today was my first time to use drugs that makes you calm (tranquilizers they call them).
And oh how calm do I feel now. I have caught myself on a thought that I would like to feel that serenity all the time. What, only 2 pills a day? Huh.

My Expectations

Yup, I've cried again. Don't blame me for that.
I know that now my eyes are not capable of reading much, so I will have to go to bed early.
I felt pretty badly today. Set aside headache, I was gloomy and depressed. The reason is obvious enough - my soul distress. I had a wonderful evening yesterday and the next morning I learn that I just had too much hope, and hope, as we know, is a foolish feeling.
I have, by the way, realized one peculiar thing about myself - I shift my sadness to some little thing, and thus I can show all the pain and sadness I have as if it is connected to tiniest reason I can find. Today that was a plushy sheep that I've seen in the shop the other day. It was not big enough for me to hug at home and, while talking about it with Yui today I had put it as an allusion to my relationship. Whatever.
I have watched some anime in the evening, the show that I have anticipated some time ago, as I occasionally check all new shows that are airing.
Then I remembered how lonely I was, which somehow led me to try to drown my sadness in the bottle of old porter. Drinking alcohol still gives me shiver, especially not that sweet port that I have now. So, I drank it with orange juice, which was fine.
I know that I am just a moth, desperately struggling to come nearer to the fire. And I get hurt.
I just think that I'm losing bonds with people. I don't know how it happens, but it does. And I'm hating myself for I had never got those, whom I wanted in the first place.
And everybody, including myself, expect so much from me, that this deep dissatisfaction in every aspect of my life makes me wander in the darkness around the loneliest place in the world - the place where I live.
But that's good. That's fine. I am all right on my own. I will be better tomorrow.

My Never-Written Book

Last night before falling asleep one thought made me open my eyes once again. I realized that the path that I am going to choose, i.e. working in legal consulting, will lead to the outcome which was never part of my dreams. I guess that I will never write a book in the future that I'm building right now.

My Personal Stuff

Many things has been on my mind lately. But as this blog has caused a crisis in my relationship once, I have no intention to write all of those things here.
I miss Max Frei. Since I have finished reading Labyrinths my mood gradually changed for worse. I think that I start to feel depressed. More Frei will heal me maybe.
I have finished coursepaper and got 2/3 zachots. That was kind of easy. Exams will be hard, though.
I am obsessed with two things now: get fit and talk to a guy.

My One Thing

One thing does upset me the deepest: that I am not an expert at anything, nor am I the best at anything, and overall I am not a person, who possesses the greatness one should have to be followed.

My StarWars Weekend

The Star Wars weekend that I planned for such a long time has finally happened. It was divided into several parts, but I got a great deal of happiness out of it anyway. This was my first time to watch Star Wars in a row, all six movies. They were interrupted only by Thor, watched in the cinema for the second time (the next day after I saw it for the first time - it was kind of on a spur of a moment, but I surely have to revise my money- and time-spending policy).
So, Star Wars. My Geek Drive has been burning with energy for half a week, I giggled over something only I knew, and it was only yesterday that I finished watching the last movie.
Now I actually get it, why Lucas has told that there would be no more movies of Star Wars. Though, I hope he does film something on Star Wars in the future. Because it will be such a waste with all these crazy technologies that we have now.
On technologies: I have realized that with my eeepc701 as a wi-fi station with big monitor and this eeepc1005h that I'm using for work (and everything else) are out-dated together with my Nokia 5800. I look like a dinosaur among mobiles with Android and smartbooks with Nvidia processors. I plan on saving money for some new devices now. Or maybe try to wait a little longer till I work full-time in a few years.

My Eyes Wide Open

Once, on one autumn lecture I was wondering what to do to make the boredom go away. That was the lecture my friend gave me a book. That was the day I started reading Max Frei's Labyrinths of Echo.

It seems that I've been dreaming my life ever since.

This series of fantasy books literally made me during the last half year. I am sure that I started reading this when I needed it the most. It has been shaping my thoughts for such a long time, that I picked up that optimistic mood from Sir Max.
I have been working on myself harder than ever for a few past months. And I have the results that I've never hoped to receive. I guess, part of my success lies in these books.
Like Honey and Clover, Peter Gabriel and B&M, Max Frei appeared in my life just in time. And I appreciate it very much.
This morning I finished reading the last book of the series. Well, I do not intend to make this blog full of reviews of what I read and watch. So, I won't write about how much it impressed me or whether or not I consider it to be a good ending. But yes, I'm satisfied with the book.

This post is not an advertisement of the author. But is mostly another chapter to commit to the history of my life, which I'm actually writing here. Nevertheless, if stories of Max are to ever fall into your hands, don't let them go - grab them and read them. I can assure you that those will be the most marvelous stories you will ever be able to feed your starving for wonders heart.

My Running

Nope, that's not the post about how I run from my problems. It's about how I picked up physical exercise today.
I had two inspirations, which is more than enough for one day.
The first one was Quinn from famous Glee. She, as my friend commented, made herself. And she is a good example, indeed. Set aside that she is not quite real.
Down to earth (though I never thought of sportsmen as ordinary people) inspiration for me was Nadia Comăneci, Romanian gymnast. She was the first gymnast to get perfect 10 at the Olympics. Funny thing - before she did it, boards were not constructed to show results of 10.00. So she got, well, 1.00. She was 14 when she did it. I watched a movie called 'Nadia' about her today.
That's what made me find my trainers and get out in the evening.
And I thought about how I want to make myself a perfect person. Not just an abstract 'perfect person', but the one I want to become. And with my running I want to become stronger than I am now.

Off-topic:
I live my life honestly but not faithfully. What a mess should be in my head that I kiss my friend while not being that drunk. Was it a mere curiosity of kissing a girl or something more obscure, lurching at the back of my consciousness?

My Confusion

I am utterly confused. My mind is set on things it should not be.
I tell people about everything I have on my mind to ease it, sometimes I say more than I should or to people who should not hear it from me. But what can I do, actually? It's impossible to forget some certain things that happen to me, and I am positive, that I should not erase these memories.
I have a need to talk to someone, seriously. I just can't find a person to whom I can talk without embarrassing myself, who will not judge etc. And my problem is no problem at all. It's not something brutal or serious. It just tickles my mind.
I am considering talking to a person who is kind of a reason for my confusion. I'm not sure, because it seems that we have established the 'this had never happened' rule.
Just don't ask me.

My 1 Year Anniversary

Should I care for random sweet dates of "us" or not? I'm not sure. Anyhow, today is 1 year since I've been kind of dating Vyainye. That, a year ago, was the day when he suggested we meet and walk in the park together and I have totally fallen in love with him.
Yesterday we watched Suzumiya Haruhi movie (the Disappearance of Haruhi), which was awesome. I am still under the impression, actually. I've realized that something from your past will always haunt you but it is not necessarily a bad thing. Like me being the fan of Haruhi, Kyon and Nagato.
Today I've spent the evening with friends - Yuriy and Anton. It was fun. I have also thought of how much we've changed over the past few years. I was all that humble and silent, while now I'm more open. I think about what Koveras told me quite frequently. If I am ever to write a list of my regrets, I will put it in there: bing more joy into his life. And now our relationship is kind of lost. I can assure you, though, that Koveras era of my life is something I cherish dearly in my heart.
Oh, and recently I've found out that I miscounted the books that I read last year. It was actually 42 books (I forgot to count those 5, that were not in the list, i.e. read before 12th week).

My Trout of Doubt

I came to my parents on weekend as always. We did not go to the concert that we planned for almost dozen days. Though, I had to run to my car, champing in watery-snowy mess with my winter boots (which were not water-resistant, as I have found out today) after the telephone conversation with mum and dad, who were convinced that we are obliged to listen to the piano play of our family friend.
Nevertheless I had a good dinner with my parents. I was pretty happy to eat something cooked at home, because I have dropped that activity for weeks now. I am pretty sure that if I lived my life the way it should be lived (i.e. Lonli-Lokli style) I would not skip my breakfasts or substitute dinners with pop-corn and chocolate. I am considering taking the challenge of trying to live some time offline. But I payed for the Internet for the next two months and I am pretty sure that I will not survive even one day without it. I am not that autonomic, taking into account that I only have discographies of Placebo and Poets of the Fall on my netbook and my blog is online, too.
I also did a revision of the stuff that piled on my desk (parents' house, of course) for months. I had to read some old magazines before putting them on the shelf. I don't really know why I need all this glossy paper that I don't even like to touch much. But maybe I will find a better purpose for its existence than just taking the room in the house (the room which could have been filled with dust, for example).
While spending the evening in my parents' room I have found out that English grammar books (chaotically scattered everywhere near the sofa) were not that interesting for me anymore. It may be because I picked the books that I have studied at school or because of my eternal hunger for adventures (oh gosh, do I have at least a small drop of this anyway?). Anyhow, I picked another book from the 'languages' shelf - 'German in 3 months'. And I have told everybody that I started learning German. I hope this time it does not end with some fatal move like forgetting the book at parents'.
After the time has come for me to hit the sack, I decided to introduce myself to yet another book in this house. And I took the Salmon of Doubt (postmortem, by Douglas Adams). I want to read his Dirk Gently novels first, before starting to read his last book, but sometimes I find the strength and interest in myself for introductions and forewords. So I read the editor's note (by Peter Guzzardi), prologue (by Nicholas Wroe) and foreword (by Stephen Fry). And thus I have found myself sad and inspired. Sad because I thought that Adams will never write a book again, and that I have spent so much time postponing my life, while thinking that I just have to finish the University. I have let jurisprudence to crawl too deep into the core of my life, while calming my mind with "it is not for long, the time will come and you can write all you want". I had all kinds of depression and suppression on the way, which had not led me to the point at which I wanted to arrive. On the other side I have been inspired by these pages of high-quality praise of Douglas Adams works. It made me realize that I want to change those things that I described above as those that make me sad. I want to live my life as a writer. I know that I might fail at it. That's why I will try to manage my time more efficiently. And do all the blah-blah-blah. Yeah, I have to stay optimistic and this will bring me to success.

My Letter of Pi

Dating mathematician gives me a lot of specific fun. Like who else would think that the sound 'pi' as a greek letter Pi?

Today it's exactly 1 year since I first met Vyainye.

I talked about Doctor Who and time-travel (linked with the movie I watched today), and I realized how much I missed such talks. I mean, thinking about that is good, but not so good as talking about it can be.

And I know, that in this world the only person who will not provoke my jealousy is me. I am all mine, and noone else is. But sometimes it is just sad when you want a person to be near you right now and he is simply with someone else. Maybe I just had to try better to hold on to people who were slipping away. Or maybe it's just the way it should be. And everybody is happier the way they are. I hope that they are.

My Waltzing on the Blade

My life has been like dancing on the blade lately. One false move - and I'm going to fall into insanity or deep depression. However, I don't worry about it much, I feel great! I am thinking about life and my purpose, my goals and determination. It is working nicely for me so far. Being optimistic and positive gives me happiness. And I smile and laugh, while waltzing on the blade. Well, I just have to remember from time to time that I am not a good dancer yet.

My Achievements

I will continue working for B&M. I guess the contract will be ready for signing next week.
I got a place at the commercial law department.
Tomorrow I will go to the cinema.
And argh - I have so little time for everything.
I want to dance and I want somebody to take photos of me. HQ preferred.

Keep your fears to yourself, but share your inspiration with others.

...And this blog is for what I keep to myself...

My Exciting Day

I drank some ice tea today. Bought it yesterday with my parents.
Held Yui's hand. Talked in classes. Went to work. My nose is wet.

My Grabrhg!

Hello world!
Just thought it would be good to say hello.
Anyhow, I felt pretty good this week. I should even say that I felt happy.
Today I tried to install firefox 4 and failed. It required something my system could not (and never will) give it. That's sad. Someday I'll stay at home for half a week and update everything here. Or just ubuntu my computer (nice verb, isn't it?).
And though the week was that good, I feel tired and sad now. Maybe it is because I did not get enough sleep (due to my own lack of will) or because V. read this blog and now he is kind of depressed.
Now that I think of it, I was too honest here. It does not mean that I regret writing all this, but it probably will lead to some action from me. I am thinking of closing the blog, for it became too intimate (and I guess, it always was). If you still read this (or want to read it), comment please. I may change my mind about closing it and do something else instead.
I suppose that's not that I have these thoughts. It's that I write them here. I mean if V. did the same and I would have read it, I could be hurt as well. But he does not, so I'm not.

I registered my coursepaper this week. Now I just have to write it and I can forget about it for a while. (That's sarcasm)

Plus I met the guy who gave me the red balloon on Monday. He is totally crazy, which is a pity, actually. But I did not have to put notices that I prepared at home. They were simple "Looking for the artist with a balloon" and my trash e-mail. I got his number anyway.

I feel that this week was somehow a real turning point in my life. It's not that something happened, but the whole concept of my life has changed. I was happy and that was new for me, but it was also so natural that I was surprised. Maybe it will pass and I will go back to what I was before. But I don't think so. I realized what it's like to wake up and smile and feel energetic and content.

Mein Luftballon

I overslept the first class today. I came to the last class and then ate bread sticks with Yui before going to work.
A guy gave me a red balloon at the street. He asked why I was sad after I hugged him for the balloon. And he was talking about happiness and sadness in life. He tried to give me his number so I could call him if I needed an artist (for he was one, I assume), but I was running out of time and departed. Thus I continued my journey to the work, not stopping while he was calling for me.
Going to the metro with a balloon was a challenge. There are a lot of people and stuff that can pop the balloon. So I was extremely careful and held it with my both hands. But just imagine it - a girl with an insanely red balloon in her hands with "we wish you happiness" written on it.
Total: on my way to work I had one handshake, small talks with strangers about life and happiness and a lot of smiles.
First man jokingly imitated popping my balloon with his keys. I just had to smile at him. He asked why I had this 'happiness', and I shook my shoulders and said "Just life". That man shook my hand when he read what was written on the balloon and then he waved me from the station while I had another one to go.
The second encounter was a guy who said that he was quite happy to see the red balloon and me smiling on this gray and dull day. But he did not take my balloon while thanking me for I was ready to give him 'this big bright and happy thing'. And on that I said that it's the only way it could be and he answered that in life it sadly was not. I had to go out at the next station, so our talk was short but nice. He complimented my smile, I complimented his as well.
At the office I gave the balloon to the girl sitting behind me, she played with it for a while and returned it to me. So at the end of the day I had to go with it on the metro again. People were not that desperate for happiness, though. I even had a chance to sit and read.
So, when I came to the Uni again, I decided to see Yuri, because he suggested we ate together, while I was at work. I had to wait for him for a while, but then we went and ate at McD. I had a great time. And Yuri said that he needed an artist for the art on MTG cards and he also said that everything that happened in life was for something and I should never decline such offers of the destiny. So, as I promised that guy that I would find him if I needed an artist, I will try to do that.
I will introduce a new tag for my posts: happiness. It's quite significant, isn't it?

All men dream but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible.
T.E. Lawrence

My Motto

Back at school, when I worked at the library, I came across the card with some ads about the school in Great Britain. It's motto was "Work hard, play hard". It still comes to my mind from time to time.
Once during the second year of the Uni I wrote on some trash paper "WORK first, FUN later" with big bubbly letters and put it on the wall over my workplace.
It took me my whole life to realize something as fundamental as this: you should not try to change it if your motto is not "work first, fun later" but the vice-versa. You've got to find strength in what you are right now, right here.

My Nostalgia

I feel nostalgic today. With Maria we remembered how we skipped school to go to the cinema. And I thought that I would tell this to my children (if I'm lucky enough).

I overslept the lecture today (again). Decided to prepare for seminars in the morning, but slept till 12 a.m. Then I watched new ep of How I met your mother and ate hinkali that I cooked on Tuesday. After that I met with Yuri, had a good time, really. He told me about the experiments he makes at the lab. They were cool. I know that it is kind of nostalgic too, for my bro used to tell me crazy physics stuff as well.
This talk made me think that it was so uncool of me to brag about my faults in life, and I realized that it is great when you know something and you can explain it to a person and he will be interested. And I found out that I did not know the system of governmental organs that well. I am devastated.

Now I have to work fast and focused on the subject. I have little time to prepare for tomorrow (seminars and coursework). I am going to talk to my tutor on the faculty. And I've been avoiding it for months (half a year, huh?) and I didn't even start writing the paper! I'm pretty much screwed and I'd better not see anyone today, but I said that V. can come tonight as I will go to the Uni only at 12 and he does not have to wake up early.