I have been avoiding blogging for more than half a month. During this time I have completely lost track of time. What did I do yesterday or last week? I have almost no clue.

I am ashamed of what I am now. My moral code was shattered and burnt to ashes. Yeah, some unbreakable basis still persist but I do stuff I thought I’d never do because of my principles. Now I find it pretty much tolerable to smoke or swear out loudly. I do not do that around other people – because my trash is my trash. I do not want people to hear unpleasant stuff or feel the smoke of cigarettes.

I have felt lost when I started doing these three taboo things: smoke, drink and swear. I am not that serious into these activities, but it still frustrates me. The good thing is – now I am a much more tolerable person. I can’t judge people for what I've tried and did for some time.

I was frustrated at myself for the past, for destroying the shallow possibilities, which might not have been any more real than they are now. Ok, saying simpler: I should not have done what I did, because my deeds and words contradicted each other in some sufficient parts. I have thought about it before, but from time to time it all comes to me, hitting harder than ever. Thus, one day I decided that I am not a person I used to be, that I do not deserve some things in this life and can do whatever other people do to destroy themselves. Cigarettes producers promised me death from lung cancer and I embraced the idea without thinking about it much.

I still do not give myself time to think about this. Because when I do (for instance, yesterday I thought about the lost possibilities again) it hurts physically. This pain reminds me of my teenage angst youth, when I could cry through the night, not able to stop the tears. Now my pills get me through the nights somehow.

It sucks.

At around 4 a.m. today I decided to stop swearing at least. I consider this as an unnecessary emotion outburst and a heavy way to express your perception of this world. I do not like when people use harsh language around me. I do not like when I swear.

Actually, I do not like myself. My denial of me is not yet complete. I doubt that I will ever cross the line when I can say without hesitation that I hate myself. I mean, I still have the brain which works finely and entertains me from time to time with peculiar ideas. And I drive a car like a pro (especially when parking in impossible places). I do have positive look on some aspects of my life.

Though, the inability to – strictly speaking – manipulate feelings of other people makes me feel miserable. I still do not get how love affairs arise. What can be done to make a person fall in love with you and why simply giving everything to him does not work? I want to show that I care but it looks pretty miserable – even from my own point of view. I believe that I have completely lost the chance to make it the way I want it to be. It’s whether I made fatal mistakes or just do not deserve it. And that would have been the end of it, I could probably live with the thought and let my affection for this person go, but…

My dreams are uncontrollable. Every night I see him in my dreams. He is as real as he is when I see him. We spend a lot of time together – be it bad time or good time, we are together only in my dreams. We meet rarely in real life. Damn, that “IRL” sounds stupid. And yet again my dreams are much happier and better than my real life. They are the reason why I have lost track of time. One night we have been playing MTG in my dreams. Yeah, it was with all the impossible and marvelous special effects of dreams, but I actually felt that I play much better during the next event. Or the other night we went hiking for at least a week, I felt exhausted during the next day, because we have walked a few hundreds of km. There are other dreams, too. Sometimes I wish I could share them with this person. These dreams are good.

The other reason for my forgetfulness of events in life is that I stopped blogging. Writing everything down helped me to remember and put everything in the right order. I will write here again.