How in the world can you make a person care about you?
How does 'falling in love' work?
And why why why am I not loved?
No, I'm fine. I'm doing perfectly well, actually. Like it does not matter and all the plans that I was thinking through yesterday are just a small step back.
Even though I am a needy person, I don't need him. I don't want to be with him anymore. Right?
My love drama is tiring. I could have waited much longer, but friends keep telling me that the amount of time that he needs to break up with his gf is unknown. And I am so tired of this hoping and screwing my mind and playing with my feelings. So, this is my last game. Now I am going to win against myself. The stakes are unknown yet. The prize is undeclared. I do not have a character of a gambler, my excitement ends with pain. But still, I guess I am a strong player. It's just I have to remember that my opponent is strong, too.
But really, we are idiots. How I wanted it to be simple at the very beginning. He should have said a clear 'No' and I should not have bothered him. And yet it was so dazzlingly beautiful that sometimes I think that it was worth all the pain and is worth all the future pain, too. Yes, I am mistaken. Or I might be, at least.
The things I think and stuff I do seems so miserable and unnecessary. And it surely does not lead to my happiness. And the best option for me right now is to stay strong and forget about all the good times we had together, and how I dressed for him every Thursday, and our talk at my first draft (which keeps coming to my mind again and again). And the most destructible thing - thinking about what I could have done differently and what could have happened if I did other choices in the past.
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