My Expectations

Yup, I've cried again. Don't blame me for that.
I know that now my eyes are not capable of reading much, so I will have to go to bed early.
I felt pretty badly today. Set aside headache, I was gloomy and depressed. The reason is obvious enough - my soul distress. I had a wonderful evening yesterday and the next morning I learn that I just had too much hope, and hope, as we know, is a foolish feeling.
I have, by the way, realized one peculiar thing about myself - I shift my sadness to some little thing, and thus I can show all the pain and sadness I have as if it is connected to tiniest reason I can find. Today that was a plushy sheep that I've seen in the shop the other day. It was not big enough for me to hug at home and, while talking about it with Yui today I had put it as an allusion to my relationship. Whatever.
I have watched some anime in the evening, the show that I have anticipated some time ago, as I occasionally check all new shows that are airing.
Then I remembered how lonely I was, which somehow led me to try to drown my sadness in the bottle of old porter. Drinking alcohol still gives me shiver, especially not that sweet port that I have now. So, I drank it with orange juice, which was fine.
I know that I am just a moth, desperately struggling to come nearer to the fire. And I get hurt.
I just think that I'm losing bonds with people. I don't know how it happens, but it does. And I'm hating myself for I had never got those, whom I wanted in the first place.
And everybody, including myself, expect so much from me, that this deep dissatisfaction in every aspect of my life makes me wander in the darkness around the loneliest place in the world - the place where I live.
But that's good. That's fine. I am all right on my own. I will be better tomorrow.