My 2013 goals

Yes, I am doing this again. Last year I decided to skip this part and I regret it. New Year is a good time to set goals and then you can always come back and modify them, but goals set randomly like 'from Monday I start a new life' rarely work for me.

In 2013 I will:

1. Read at least one book in two weeks
2. Learn how to play harmonica or at least provide these wonderful sounds with it
3. Write a few new stories and continue working on a novel
4. Build a blog about my crafts and create more things with my hands
5. Speak fluently in another language
6. Establish a healthy sports routine
7. Cook for myself more than eating out during week days
8. Wake up early so that I am not late for work or appointments
9. Find ways of making money without going to the office
10. Invest more time in building and maintaining relationships with people

My LLM plans

I've passed TOEFL last Saturday, now I'm waiting for the results. Then I'll have to do smart management of documents and apply to Universities for LLM. I'd like to go to the USA or Great Britain, but I have some other choices, too: Helsinki, Dublin, a few Universities in New Zealand. I am not sure yet, but I guess (and hope) I will have a pretty much the same choice I once had - being accepted to two or more universities.

I would like to have a better experience than I had during my previous time in the Uni. Like getting to know more people, pursuing more opportunities, being more open and active. I like to think that I can still have that.

Also, living in a different country looks like an exciting adventure! 

My Constant Reminder

Sometimes (quite frequently) I fall down, feeling pity for myself and crying. I start doing dumb things. But there is always something that pushes me back to the surface - like my friends and this unbreakable chain of love I feel for the world and life. I might not always realize it, but my life is filled with love. It is amazing. And that's for what I should stand up again, every time. 

I just need a constant reminder that good things exist, because I am forgetful.

I have seen Safety Not Guaranteed today. It was good! They did travel in time in the end, so I am completely satisfied with the movie. It had a good soundtrack and writing was obviously well-done. I've been waiting for this movie for a while and it did not disappoint me.

I think I become geekier with time. And I'm 21 already! I should be like a responsible adult. But I will continue to play Portal and meet with my D&D party on Sundays no matter what others say, because it makes me happy. And my philosophical position states I should not judge people for things that make them happy, thus I shall continue to pursue happiness myself without any judgment whatsoever.

And so I am off to try to combine adulthood with fun.

My Personal Talks

I've talked to the guys I was seeing. And I've told them both that I can't commit right now due to my plans to study abroad.

There are several other reasons, too. One of them is that I'm not in love.

I have ended the relationship with one of them. I'm going to miss him, because we tried to date several times and every time I initiated our separation. We just do not suit each other. We have different interests and jokes. I am a geek and nerd and he thinks most of my activities are stupid and a waste of time while playing computer games is obviously not. I just think that our time together was kind of wasted, too. We both can find a better partner in crime life.  And his inclination to cliches got me freakin irritated last time we met.

When we had this final conversation he told me not to be sad. And that's the second time a boy had said that to me. 

The other guy said that it did not really matter because it was all good. And I will try to sustain a relationship with him. A healthy one. Or not if he would not be satisfied with what I can give. 

My New Scientist

When I was younger, my dad once told me that if I read one issue of New Scientist I would be much smarter than I was before. Well, I grew up with books about science around me, with brother telling me all the marvels of physics, dad being always aware of medical area and mom constantly pointing out things about genetics and evolution.

I have never had a religious education, never got a hint of spirituality from members of my family. My grandma is religious, though. And when I brought that up in one of conversations with mom, she told me that grandma was not like that all the time and said that the reason must be my grandpa's disease and growing older. So, in my mind religion got a strong association with weakness and losing grip in life.

We have a business-like relationship in our family. I guess we have never been close enough to discuss personal matters. My family members are not my friends. But we share a stronger bond, living together for far too long for staying strangers to each other. And that bond is a similar interpretation of facts.

I have started living on my own about 4 years ago. Being apart from the family brought me pretty much on the edge. No one ever taught me how to be on my own and it was tough to start forming my own separate consciousness. I do not know if I succeeded in that or not. Sometimes I have to go to my parents and compare and fix what I got wrong. But I cannot say that I'm done with it, I am not a lost cause and I'm going to work on myself and I will never stop.

My waking up in the middle of the night

Normally, I do not wake up at night. Not unless someone wakes me. And I get so irritated that I can't bear the fact that someone else is there with me. I live alone and I'm so used to it that it makes me crazy when people interrupt my day-to-day habits.

Gosh I just need time alone, I know I do. But on the other hand I'm not gonna survive loneliness 'cause I tried that already. It does not work this way for me. But I've got to do something.

Now I understand why people cheat or have affairs. Because they just do not love their partners. Not their spouses, nor lovers. I should stop it for me now and drift off to someone new. I've got 2 more to score before 2013 and my chances are low due to my still pretty high standards.

I don't want to hurt people. And that makes me spineless and weak. I've been through enough pain, though. I fell like I've become accustomed to it and hurting others seem... normal?

My Headlights

I want to start blogging again to track my daily thoughts. I'd like to catch the flow of my life and what leads to what.

I mostly live in my head and internet and neglect most of my duties and things I really have to do.

For example, I should tell guys that I do not wish to date them and no, they should not tell me they love me because it's either an old story and they've already proved it wrong or I don't believe in love anyway. Because nobody's worth it. I mean if I'm not worth it (and I have always presumed myself to be an outstanding awesome person) then who is?

I don't know what's going to happen. But I can pretty much imagine my future. It's not what I imagined it to be when I was younger. And it does not look that bright.

I changed the bulb in the headlights of my car today. Spent almost an hour because I did not know how to do that and it did not work in the end and I got very cold. You know that feeling after you've been very cold for a long time that stays inside and you can still feel it in your throat and chest the whole day. This is it for me now. But I've felt it some other times, too. And I've felt it in summer as well. I guess it's my heritage as a person who's well aware of the country in which she was born.

Er, I should study but I tumblr instead and do nothing. Cooked some meat today, though. It turned out ok.

I just feel that I spend less time on thinking about myself. It's like drifting mindlessly. And I need to stop that. I don't really want to go back to when I was over-thinking everything, but I'd like to turn to more positive thinking. Because I know my life won't be full of adventures and wonders as I thought it would, but I could still try to make it bearable.

And I know I'm yet to meet the person who'll make me feel as happy as my geekiness makes me. Well, one more like that.

My Secrets

I need to talk to someone. But I am ashamed. I guess that's what it's called to live with what you've done.

I can't talk to my parents because they are gonna judge me. That's one of those things they have told me not to do with my life.

I can't talk to my bro 'cause he's gonna make a joke out of it and I am not in the mood for laughing.

I can't talk to friends because I am afraid they are gonna turn their backs on me and it's not gonna be any better.

I can't talk to myself because I am the one who got myself in this. I can't trust myself to get me out of it now.

Maybe chance is a pretty common thing after all. Those kinds of coincidences are happening all around us, all the time, but most of them don’t attract our attention and we just let them go by. It’s like fireworks in the daytime. You might hear a faint sound, but even if you look up at the sky you can’t see a thing. But if we’re really hoping something may come true it may become visible, like a message rising to the surface. Then we’re able to make it out clearly, decipher what it means. And seeing it before us we’re surprised and wonder at how strange things like this can happen. Even though there’s nothing strange about it.
— Haruki Murakami

I overslept today. This is the second time this week. And I wanted this to be a good day with an early start. Now half of my washed clothes stay in the tumbler, other half is on the top of washing machine. Huh. Well, right now I can't kneel before the king and say I'm clean, especially on the days when I oversleep or run late for work or studies.

I have a few solutions on how to get back on track:

1. Plan ahead. At least for the next day. And it would help if I got prepared on the previous night or made a list of stuff to do/take with me.

2. Wake up. Actually wake up in the morning and not 1,5 hours later after your first alarm went off.

3. Buy vitamins and fish oil and eat more vegs and greens because it's winter time.

4. Stay positive. I think of making a list of songs that make me feel good, not sad, so I could listen to them in the car. Most of my favs are sad, though. And I like Indie Rock and it's all kind of blue.

This should do. 

I just want to talk about Mars and the Universe and everything. And I want to laugh on stupid things, on dearest things. I want to discuss religion and make silly jokes about it. I want to drink fancy beer and enjoy full moon brews and guess what flavor they have. I want to listen to fast melodies and sing along and squeal when a favorite song plays on the radio.

I want to hold your hand and I want everyone to smile at us. I want to play with your hair and look at your face lit by the dim sunrise. And I want to make you the happiest person in the world.

And I hope you are.

I just miss you.

My Pit

Today was not as good as yesterday. I worked too little and was too lazy. And ate too many sweets. We got quadruple chocolate cheesecake and triple chocolate pie for lunch with a friend. I thought I would throw up gulping it with sugary ginger coffee. Ugh, Starbucks!

People around me are traveling and I am having my boring life. How come no one ever visits me? Not even my parents?

I am pretty sure that my greatest fear is to find myself not feeling anything one day. Not caring, not falling in love, not believing in positive future. And it gives me so much sadness, too. But it's better than nothing.

I want to take a walk.

My NaNoWriMo 2012

I will not participate:
1. I had a negative experience trying to write a trashy novel based on my life for NaNoWriMo. Boring.
2. I simply do not have any time for that (please note that all my free time is wasted on watching tv series, not even reading).
3. I am afraid that upon finishing a novel I might lose any will to live further. I only wanted to have sex and write a book in my life and then I'm good to go. So...

November is a good month for changes, though. But it's the loneliest month of the year and the saddest. And it's got most of sweets in it, too. I've already got a 'maple pecan' for tomorrow morning.

I don't know why I am still on the lowest levels of self-development. Albeit I read a lot on self-help and improvements, I did not implement them. How people are so in love with themselves sometimes?

I have thought about fears lately. And about the fear of death in particular. And I don't have it. I just think that my life is not worth keeping, I do not have any purpose. And though I was trying to find it in some kind of activity, I have come to a conclusion that the only chance for me to fill my life with a reason is to fall in love. And oh, haven't I tried that, too. I only want people I can't get and I don't want those that fall into my arms and keep coming back. But I ache and long for their warmth. And this  is all pain pain pain.

That was so good finally having this dream - somewhere away something you can hold on to, something you want to reach and someone you want to become better for. Well, thank you, the Universe, for letting me know there is something better somewhere out there. It made it much more painful to live every day. And I don't know why I have filled my life with sadness while I could have had it all - anything I wanted and even more. But Muse were right - 'You could be the best if you only had the chance'. Now what should I do? Hell, I know what should be done. I am pretty sure I won't do that. And there are some things I won't even do or have. I'm too old and too dead and broken for that.

But there are still lots of opportunities. And I am still not good enough. Well, I'm pretty sure I will never be good enough for anything I ever wanted.

What am I doing? Huh. I'm so tired.

My Deceipt

The sadness is almost unbearable. Everything that comes to my mind tries to crash me down.
I can't even hate myself for my mistakes. I can't set any penance for myself either, I'm not that strong. I'm too sympathetic with broken people.
I work too slow, I waste my time, I am not that knowledgeable and my memory holds on to feelings only.
It's a wonder how I still manage, but then again I have lost a will to die long ago. And now I'm losing my dreams and aspirations. Can I please die inside too if I am dying outside?

While I mend some parts, other parts of life get cracks. 

I feel so lonely being with the one I don't love. But I'm good at screwing things up. I thought I would last longer, though.

Coffee will be my medicine today. I have rarely felt so sad in the morning. But life keeps going on, which is a little bit annoying. And yet again I will trust myself that I will change and everything will be alright. I will be deceived again.

My Lonely Path

I have a feeling that I do what lonely people do. And I hang out with lonely people just because of our mutual loneliness.

I look in the mirror and do not recognize myself. My eyes changed. My clothes do not suit my body any more.

Soon my consciousness will adjust to the current state of my life. But my mind numbs upon my will to distract myself from gloomy thoughts. I think I still will have moments of uncontrollable laugh or giggles and those moments are almost the only ones when I feel happiness. And I am grateful for them.

And I will do what I have to do. But am I a person who stays by her word? Should I try to keep stupid promises I made to the person I did not really know. Should I keep any promises even if they are worthless or am I more practical and cold-headed person? What are the principles by which I should live?

I have a lot on my mind but time whooshes by and I can't slow it down. It's probably better this way - I don't have time or strength to be sad. 

My Hocus Pocus

I am doomed to do stupid things. But as my destiny unfolds, I think of them as happy experiences and I grow on being more & more content that it's going to be alright.

I don't believe in no destiny, though. But defy-your-destiny plots are utterly touching for me somehow. That's probably because my parents decided a lot of things for me.

As the title may suggest, I have finished Hocus Pocus by K. Vonnegut, which once again made me wonder why I love this author as I don't really get probably half of the things he puts in his novels.

And he always writes as if the reader was an alien and knew nothing of the Earth and its history or traditions or geography. Which I fancy very much.

Just because some of us can read and write and do a little math, that doesn't mean we deserve to conquer the Universe. ~ K. Vonnegut

My Coming Back

Nah, it's not talking to friends, it's not a hot shower, not reading or lousy singing to the music - it's only one thing that can help me bring serenity to my mind. Writing everything that comes up in my aching head really should help. I believe so.

So, I was lying in the bed, trying to get a much needed rest, and I was writing a letter to a boy. The boy. I could sing him 'You could be my unintended' tonight. But it has always been more like something from Blink 182.

My letter would probably go like that:

My dear N,

This letter is full of deeply emotional things. I would like you to read it, though you are free to ignore it or save for later. But this is what I feel like. 

Remember how you have put your name on my arm and thus I became yours and yours only? This is not going to fade away.

I know that you have a romantic soul. And I believe that you were waiting for something like this to happen, wishing for an incredible and outstanding event in your life. I guess that is why you have already had this kind of relationship before. Your heart was looking for this, longing for this.

Generally I am not superstitious or religious, but I can't help thinking that we were meant to meet and develop a relationship we had. It was a sheer miracle, don't you think? All the world kept bringing us together, moving us closer to each other. And we carefully built a new shining house on the foundation of our past, our dreams and inspirations. It is ridiculous indeed how fast we have grown to care for each other, how much passion and chemistry was between us. I want to think that we had this chance for some reason and we can't just let it slip away like that.

I do not suggest we deny everything else in our lives - this would be foolish at the very least. Not today, not tomorrow - but sometime we can make it work. We are capable of many wonderful things. And we have already proved this once, we can bend the Universe so we would have another chance. Together we can reign over the kingdom of our own creation. I want you to remember what we have already had. Can you imagine how good it can be in the future?

Yours and yours only,
X. R. L.


I should probably resume my work on the novel. This can help my coming back.

That's how I feel tonight.

I feel miserable. No regrets, but I want miracles in my life.
And my life right now seems unbearably disgusting. Because I imagined a better one.

But I know how it works for me. I just have to have a good long sleep. And I will have dreams that will take me far far away. And I will never be the same yet again.

So yeah.

Misery and pride is what I'm made of tonight.

... and then we broke up.

"I had to laugh like hell."

My Colorado Sunrise

I have been to Colorado this summer. I got so much sun, I literally became a happier person! It's like charging my body with vitamin D under the bright warm sun. 300 sunny days per year! We have only 20!
That is not the only reason for my happiness. I have encountered this state of mind earlier this year. I never realized the reason and could only guess what brought me so much happiness back then. But now I know the exact reason for my present state.
I met a person who shares the biggest amount of my interests than any person ever did. They vary from books and movies to three Rs (Reduce Reuse Recycle) and exploration of space. No wonder we were finishing each other sentences the first day we met.
Now we are trying to sustain a long-distance relationship. We had so little time together that I still can't believe we had a chance to develop a romantic relationship. It is incredible how good everything turned out for us - timing for meetings, circumstances that brought us together. A real miracle, I would say.
Who knows what's going to happen? I hope for the best. Well, I can't feel blue when I have so much energy from just thinking about the existence of such a person somewhere in the world. And bumping to this person is simply the most wonderful thing that have ever happened to me (so far). I just don't know what to expect next, because life gets better and better every time.
Somewhere deep inside me I still expect the worst. I think that I might crash and my fall will be the hardest of all I've had. Who knows, though? I tend to overthink possible outcomes.

My Student Life

My student years are coming to an end. I have half a year of studies, then writing my thesis and I'll get the diploma in summer. That's probably one of the reasons I do not post here much. I do not feel like I am a student, working and worrying about money and holidays.
I am still disorganized, too. Well, I did not set 'blogging' as one of my highest priorities - mainly, because it does not bring me money. And - whoah - I did not get payment in over half a year. I'll start to get my few hundred bucks this month again. Which is good, of course. But it does not make me want to work more. Actually, I'm pretty much fed up with this work.
I've been working for this company for 2 full years. Surely, I had my falls and rises. I can even remember a few moments of success and excitement. But - a few for 2 years... and continuous sulk and sadness for weeks and months. Is it worth it?
Do people lie when they say you can be successful in self-employment? What are the chances, really? And what's more important - what should I do?
Because right now I'm literally broke. I still have some savings that could get me through a few more months (another 6 months with strong parents' support like rent payments, doing shopping together). But that's not much. And I do not have any income other than my job.
I should think of something fast. Or else I would be stuck in this (or similar) hell for years or maybe for the rest of my life. What I would like to tell myself right now is RUN!

My Scattered Principles

What have I done?!

I had so many principles in my life, I thought I would follow them forever. I tended to have prejudices - yes - but I was safe. And then what happened?
I mean why do I think it is perfectly alright to get up at 1 a.m. and have a coffee with liquor?
And yes, I was depressed but I studied before exams. I tried hard. What happened to me?
I used to fall in love all the time, having this funny wonderful feeling in my stomach. Now what?
Ok, I can rationalize everything of the above (not alcohol part, though). But how did I end up smoking? What exactly was it that made me hate myself so much that I would pick up the most disgusting habit I could imagine?

Actually, the question for which I would like to have an answer is how do I change that? Obviously, I won't go back to the person I was. So I have to find something that will inspire me to climb the mountain of my perception of life and have a different view. Yeah, how about that.

My Jung Test 2012

Time for Jung test again.As I take it every year, it's a nice habit to see how differently I answer same questions.

Taken: 14th of June, 2012.

INFJ

Introverted 44
Intuitive 75
Feeling 25
Judging 56

• moderately expressed introvert
• distinctively expressed intuitive personality
• moderately expressed feeling personality
• moderately expressed judging personality

That's the least introverted per cents I've ever got. And the most intuitive, too. Who knows what that means, anyway.

My Dreams

I started crying again.

I don't know whether it is a good sign or a bad one. I guess I feel lonelier now, studies are over and I do not see people much. My real-life communication is not that broad.

I actually do not have a lot of friends. But those, who are near me are very precious and I do care about them a lot. Sometimes I don't know how to keep them in my life, though. And people just drift away. But it's ok, I stand for free will. What saddens me is the fact that they won't call me when in need. But I'm always there. I want to be that rock, which will stand still whatever happens. I will not be hurt. Because I love every one, who touched my soul and made me smile some time in the past. I just want them to know that. Call me and I'll come.

I finished Glee today. Which is fabulous in many ways. It's not intelligent series (maybe even vice-versa) but it still is heart-warming with all the brightness and happiness and songs. Also, it gets me emotional from time to time, because relationships there are pretty modern and sharp. Yes, I like drama. Anyway, the main character is a girl who has a dream so big, it moves her whole life.

And I don't have such a dream. I can't get up in the morning, because I don't think it's really worth it. According to Erik Erikson, that's a sign of identity crisis.

I've spent last 4 years of my life getting higher education at the law faculty. It was not a complete waste of time, but the thought of spending some more years getting Ph.D. in law makes me panic. I don't despise my education or career. I just wish I thought about it more. I want to have more experience in something different. It would be great if I had something that would keep me going day after day, motivate me to get better and not just 'I should get higher education because everybody in my family has it'.

I wanted to talk to someone about this. But I've got that idea lately - I whine too much about insignificant stuff. So, I've got to be strong. I have to do it with a smile and be an inspiration. And I've got my past, too. Not that I killed anyone, but I might have a few regrets. I used to avoid thinking about certain things, now I postpone 'talks with myself' and I keep distracting myself, so that I won't have to face it. Hopefully, I will find the courage to fix the things that are wrong with my life.

My 21

I turned 21 today.

I studied till 5 a.m. Had a nice 5-hour sleep, got "good" for my exam.
Put on a tie right after I got out of the auditorium. My dad bought it for me last weekend while he got himself a fine black tie, because he is a fan of John Constantine (Hellblazer comics / Constantine movie). Well, he likes the way John looks. Dad actually tought me how to make a good knot for my blue tie. And it looked gorgeous.
I got two boxes of my favorite chocolates (seashell-shaped, with praline inside), plus photo album (kinda standard). And a flower (oh my, I forgot about it - put it in the old Guinness bottle just now).

Then we went to the nearest mall. I ate double cheeseburger-with-more-cheese-please-yes-I-know-it-has-double-More-cheese-please. Then we went to see Men in Black 3, which was good. And I laughed hard, because oh it was enjoyable. And I got that curious look from a man who sat nearby when the movie ended. I know, man, I try to enjoy every bit of my life and I don't care about what others think.
Then I staaared at some collectible cars at kids' store (my friend wanted to buy some face paint). They had Shelbys (blue like I prefer them), but only 1968 and 1969. I fancy 1965 model, I even got my character in a detective story a Shelby (he'll paint it blue himself, you just wait; because it is not that good-looking right now, he 'bought' it in a bad state).

Then mom told me it would be nice for me and my dad to have a dinner because er 21st birthday, you know. But dad forgot his pills at home and all of the drug stores I could reach by foot did not have these pills - for months. Yeah, dad said he would check his nearest drugstores, but he never called back. Meh.

I came home in the afternoon. My place reeks of coffee and cigarettes. Not very nice smell, but somewhat homey.

I sat at the table and tried to freakin solve the problem with my computer. That's how I spent the rest of my day: swearing, reading bug reports on the internet, listening to Hugh Laurie (surprisingly good blues) and Rolling Stones, swearing again, drinking tea with sweets and cursing at my computer.

Oh, and my friend drew me a picture as a present, which kept me pretty happy for the day. Because it's cute and it's for me and it's fanart and it's my friend's.
But then I ran out of cigarettes (not exactly - still have 3 of them, but they are crashed. Then it was 10 p.m. and my bro called and congratulated me. And he said that I should cook myself a good dinner with a cake.

I thought he was right. Plus I needed tobacco. Nice lady at the store wished me happiness for my bd as I asked her what cake was the best out there. I did not like it. It turned out to be too sweet and it sticked to the upper part of the box in which she put it. But it still is my birthday cake.

Yeah, I didn't find the cigarettes I smoke, because they are pricey and it seems that they are not that popular here. So I had to buy random stuff. Okay. But I still want to complain: why the heck do they close at 11 p.m.? Do we all die after that time? And they used to work 24 hours, I remember that. Gosh.

So, that's it. The remaining 15 minutes of the day I will spend reading manual for noobs in linux, because that's who I am, not being able to fix my computer.

But who am I kidding? I can't even fix my life. I am a smoker and a drinker. I am alone on my birthday and I brag about it like a kid on the internet. At least I am not crying.

Actually, I am okay with that. I just like to whine.

This day is nice. I mean, I don't really know how I can make one day a year nicer than others, when my life is so awesome every day.

My Past Lives

Sometimes I think that I was a soldier in one of my previous lives. I like to stand straight with arms behind my back just like soldiers do in platoon. And war movies touch me deeply. And I want to be strong so I do push-ups.
I don't know where these ideas come from, really. I don't believe in sansara of any type.
I've watched last episode of season 7 of Supernatural at the end of last week. And it was good. I still have lots of feelings and thoughts. Aftertaste is the best thing after the show. And oh, Sera Gamble outdid herself.
I already have some plans for my vacation (i.e. exams time at the Uni) to rewatch some shows and watch some new. But I want to have some fun in June, too. Because it is almost the last long vacation I will ever have in my life. It is damn too scary.

My Dangerous Ideas

I've come to the state where I doubt a lot of ideas that come to my mind. I mean ideas on my behavior or health or other aspect of my life.

That is the logical outcome of the experience I have had. I doubt my decisions because I have made bad ones and they had some unpleasant or even dangerous consequences (an intake of large amounts of salt water, for example). As the principle of survival and taking care for my health (mostly to keep my brain safe from any possible physical damage) is engraved deeply in my mind, I have come to the conclusion that I should not trust the person who is most dangerous for my brain (i.e. me).

And now, thinking about various problems and getting ideas of how to solve them or ideas of self-development I am slightly afraid that I might be wrong and might not even realize it. And though I know that I should be self-confident, now I tend to doubt my own thoughts. That gives me a certain amount of uneasiness and I worry about whether this will be a reason for the halt in my personal growth. Or maybe it's better this way as I'll be my own arbiter and I'll analyse my flow of thought more, while I am learning how to trust myself again.

My Past Happy Times Analysis

Today I sort of came out of the closet - told my mom I fell in love with girls as well as with boys. It's nice to have parents who have worked all their lives in science, because after my confession we talked about how civilizations used to die occasionally because of homosexual culture. Huh.

It is a fairly good day today. I try to stay positive. I guess this is a vital part and should be my challenge for a while - I certainly lack the ability to let go of sadness and guilt and just relax. When I find myself smiling I shyly change my thoughts to how I haven't started my coursepaper yet or how difficult the upcoming exams are or how I should do stuff at work etc.

I am still analyzing (yup, do that a lot) that time I was happy for a few weeks. Was I high? Just kidding. But I've come up with the following reasons of my sudden happiness:

1. Appreciation of myself as I am (I was complimented on my body on a frequent basis at the time)
2. Highest performance of my geek drive due to new series of Sherlock, SPN fandom and tumblr
3. Awareness of friends and family support (though, this may be a consequence)

Now to where it all have gone:

1. The compliments ceased to happen and I gained some weight because I did not have any diet plan and I still do not have a habit of doing sports systematically
2. Geek drive is still intact, but I have reached the ongoing in SPN and I have to wait a few years before 3rd series of Sherlock. Geekiness is my best source of happiness, actually - nothing to complain about here.
3. I've lost friends on the way, who were precious ones. You lose some, you gain some, alright. But still the tragedy remains. 

I know myself pretty good now to say that I've got to reason with myself. Like what is the point of being overstressed about exams while they are yet to come and I was pretty much successful at the last 'session'? Well, there is of course no limits to self-development, and I've got a lot to work on.

My Espionage for Mordor

I've participated in my first role-playing game dedicated to the world of the Professor (i.e. JRR Tolkien) this weekend. The game took place in the forest not so far from the city, where we came late in the evening to spend the sleepless night near the fire.

As a spy from Mordor, I've accomplished something, but was killed together with my ally, whom I found on the way to the fire camp. I've acquired a letter from one gnome, who was on his way to gnomes in other mountains. I also took a ring (turned out to be not the Ring) from a hobbit, who died on my arms. But taking a sword in my hands and using medicine on others were my mistakes. Nothing helped and nothing could actually save me, I was already bleeding with 1 hit left when two strikes from monsters of the darkness finished me. Now my body is pretty bruised (which I find strangely pleasing).

During the whole night I was the one who took up a duty to keep the fire and lighten it more when monsters approached. That pretty much saved me from strong suspicion - who would do bad things to the young girl who takes care of the fire, which gives so much warmth (it was too hot sometimes because I put cones in it for more heat) and light to scare off the creatures of the night?

I am no fighter and have weak fencing skills, but when the time came I took a sword from elf, who could not fight because of deep wounds and I tried to protect the camp from the north. I killed a monster but was hit by its claws (my first wound). After this my destiny was decided on heavens and it was not long before I died. My last sight was the weakening fire and my ally, dying right beside me - horrible and frightening scene. But everything faded and a beautiful creature in white dress spoke to me of frailty of my previous life, lightened my burdens of unfulfilled goals and took my hand to lead me to my path to eternity.

The eternity was amazing with its hot tea and buckwheat with meat and onion and friends' talk and everything that happens after a good role playing game in the forest.

The road back to the city was slightly scary because my friend was at the wheel and he was too tired to drive, so I had to keep him awake. I, on the other hand, was strangely alert (I suppose that watching the Sun rise woke me up) and did not go to sleep till 11 a.m. - I drove to my parents' and talked to them over the breakfast. I went to sleep after that and slept for 7 hours, then got back to my place and slept till morning.

I was slightly shocked yesterday by the fact that Dad decided to give my car for repair for 4 days. I was still shocked by that when I woke up in the morning today and realized that I have to get to work in 1 hour somehow. I arrived at the furthest metro station in the office surroundings and was late for 1.5 h when I finally got there, but that happens on Mondays occasionally. I actually enjoyed going by bus and then by metro - I could read a book (re-reading Sherlock Holmes, which I grabbed last week at parents') and stare at strangers without constantly worrying about how not to hit cars around me.

I am pretty sure that I will not attend a lot of role-playing games outside the city starting from now. But I am very happy that I took part in a few. Sometimes I go back to the memories of 'Firefly: at the edge of the Universe' and 'Camelot', which were the best games I had so far. And I remember fun stuff from other games, too. I'd like to be a master and help to create and organize a game sometime - that would be a challenge and so much fun!

Links on goal setting

I've been doing an internet research on goal setting recently. These are the links I find helpful and worth reading:

1. http://topachievement.com/goalsetting.html - 7 easy steps by Gene Donohue

2. http://www.mindtools.com/page6.html - thorough article on the Mind Tools (which is not fully free)

3. http://zenhabits.net/really-simple-goal-setting/ - nice and inspirational article on goal setting by zenhabits, which made me a fan of the blog

My Chances

I should go to sleep because I feel upset. But my hair is wet and it will take a while before it dries, so I can write about how sad I am. Hopefully, it will lighten the burden.
I've been kind of ill for the past week, and I did not have a chance to stay at home and heal properly. I am still coughing. My physical state might be a reason.
What saddens me, though, is life overall.
I will probably live a very ordinary life with its griefs and joys. The older I get the less I believe in love and dreams and happy endings. And I feel pretty old now. It sounds foolish, I know. But what are my chances? Chance to meet a person who will be good to me, chance to finish the book I started, chance to become much better at drawing... Chances are slim.
And the more I try, the more I understand that what I do is not enough. And I have no will to try harder because what I've seen so far got me frustrated and suspicious.
When I thought I had these feelings called love I let my beloved crash me. I am broken now, tried to repair it, but I seem to keep falling back. Once you know how to destroy feelings, you can do it again. Yet what I never really learned how to do is how to fix it.
I would like to crave for publishing a book. And I want to believe in the miracle of love and the possibility of meeting this one person someday. But is there such a thing out there, and if there is, what are my chances?

My Night Call

People rarely call me. When my home phone rings it's either parents or granny or the nicest people from marketing research centers. And my mobile is for texts or quickies before meetings.
I had different phone conversations so far. I heard a person falling asleep and heard his breath on the other end of the line. I cried over the conversation and after it, too. I got phone calls that made me very very happy.
I am still very nervous talking over the phone, it makes me all jumpy and hectic - especially when I am surprised by the call. I almost never sit when talking, prefer to wander around the flat restlessly, coming to the window and turning around and coming back again.

So today it was like "Hey, it's easier to talk than to write, right?". Oh, err, right. But still that was one hilarious phone call from a guy I barely know. I could not stop laughing for a while, too. Maybe that was whiskey (there is no better medicine for my cold than whiskey with hot water), maybe that was just what it was. Sometimes life is fun and simple.

My Foggy Night

It was a long day. Studying till 6 p.m., one more hour to talk to friends and fool around, first episode of Quantum Leap at home (brows, oh boy!), contemporary American poetry and then running to pick up a boy to go for car maintenance at 12 a.m.
Yup, because it's the only time for repairs, obviously. We were like the only clients at the time, but they had refused to put me on day-time schedule because I only had a light bulb to change. (Logic? What logic?) My baby is fine now. And she's clean and beautiful, too. Afterwards this boy took me to eat sushi and we watched a movie with Meryl Streep at this restaurant on their big screen. The movie was funny and the whole evening was cosy and nice.
Then I drove the boy home and he got out, while I had to turn around. Going past his house again, I saw him standing there leaning on the wall, in his Sherlock-style cap and old jacket. We waived goodbyes and I drove off to foggy streets of the city at deep night. For the first time I drove through such a thick fog that you can see no more than 10 meters ahead.
And it just felt so good.

My Talks (about Piles of Crap)

Everybody suggests you do not suffer and struggle inside. You go and talk to your sibling or friend or anyone and seek help from them.
I always talk and spill out my problems and feelings. I just wonder why doesn't it feel better afterwards? Why does the crap keep piling and you come again at the same spot you've been?
Well, it helps at first, alright. But the problems remain and it always is up to you in the end. You. Alone.
No one really helps because they don't want to hear crap, they have their piles, too.
And even though I am sure that you have to talk, it's only because it eases the pain inside, removes the itch to grab something sharp and stake the damn problem's heart with it. Taken literally, that would be trouble.

My Water with Salt

I drank half a cup of water with salt in it. And then another half with more salt.
What happened next was pretty bad. Because I did not throw up, not really. I was just standing on my knees on the floor in the bathroom, coughing and crying and spitting. Now my right eye is swollen and my throat hurts a bit, never mind a mild nausea.

But well, I frequently feel sick after smoking anyways. Yeah, I smoked afterwards. It does not help a bit, by the way. Well, maybe a little bit. I still do not approve, because that's not how smart people spend their evenings.

I have skipped classes today. Just did not feel like going. I watched Dirk Gently instead and cooked a nice meal. And then I went to work, DD again (I would not say I missed DD projects, though).

My ex-bf left me a message a few days ago contemplating that he did not love me. It seems they all do that afterwards, but why begin a relationship then? No, I mean, I understand. It's just realizing that I've been lied to makes me feel miserable and unwanted and UNLOVED. Now that's the worst thing for me to hear. I want to be loved so much that I blindly follow anyone who shows any sign of interest in me. And I have made so many mistakes already, I trusted people so many times. Yet I do not seem to learn from my mistakes. I was irritated by this message for more than one reason. You go to your friends and make them listen to your shit, but you do not go to your ex and bring it on the girl after everything has been discussed already. You suffer and struggle in your head or you act ruthlessly - but you do not say the crap - and even if you have this urge you tell it personally, to the face. You do not avoid or ignore a person and then sneak and write your "thoughts" in mail box.

Damn it it just piled up on the crap I always have in my head. I feel miserable and annoyed and frustrated. I want love they have in silly books. And I want to be beautiful and I am not. I want something to rely on and I've got nothing. What I have is not enough, never was and never will be.

I watched Moulin Rouge and it was way too good. I laughed and cried and sang along. I cherished the idea of creating such a flawless story some day. And then I doubted I would ever be able to do that. Because 1) I am a girl 2) I am not beautiful 3) I am not such a good writer and not a great person overall.

It really does frustrate me. I am a failure - I feel like one. And I am bored and lonely and it takes me years and years back when I started to feel sadness and pain from not being loved. I was a child then. It got worse with years. And even though I sometimes think that is gets better, that I can be happy and that I am loved and I can do whatever I want and that I will succeed - it just turns out to be fake. Only sadness and loneliness remains.

I like women. Their bodies are sexier than men's, their moves and habits are lovable.
I have 'seriously' dated two boys, both lacked masculinity in their bodies and heads, had little physical endurance and made gracious gestures.
I have a thing for shorter boys, messy hair and suits.
I look for a smart soulmate with good taste in prose and science fiction, preferably a person with some education in hard sciences. Open mind is a must-have. And tolerance to all kinds of fun, too.

I wanted to sort my life out and realized that I'd started driving myself to the edge. Even drafting a priorities list did not lighten this pressure a bit. I'd like to point out everything that provides me with stress right now:

• break up
• weight loss goal
• parents' and grandma's health issues
• work
• poor time management
• trying to do some writing
• university assignments keep piling on
  
• lack of sleep
• thoughts about past
  
• wretched weather
• Supernatural
  

I know I can endure and survive a lot and the situation is not critical yet. But it might as well proceed to be unbearable in a while. And it's almost 1 a.m. and I'm still not in bed.

I actually wanted to write about how I tend to analyze everything from the point of how much emotional energy it would take. Because sometimes I know I can do stuff but it will tire me and I'll end up a squeezed lemon so I don't even make attempts and then feel guilt - I could have done better. Should I try and push myself to the limits or deal with guilt? I'm sure that I can become stronger mentally (I did it in the past, too).

My Shares in Love Corp.

I started having those sudden outbursts of happiness and joy. They are so overwhelming that I smile or even laugh.
I wanted to share this with someone, the love that I've felt and then - oh. I broke up with my boyfriend last week. And normally that should be a person with whom I share everything. I know I could not do that with him, though. In the end I could not trust him with all my feelings and thoughts. It was the right time for break-up.
And then I wondered if I was still capable of loving someone like I used to. I think I am. And I want to - to praise and admire, to kiss and make love, to appreciate and be amazed.
I believe there is at least one person in the world who would do the same for me. And I am going to find him.

My Ikea Rat

About five years ago I have developed certain feelings towards Ikea rat. You know, this stuffed soft toy they had for 100 rubles (the price is higher now). I saw it on one of our rare trips to the mall and it got me right there. Since then every trip to Ikea ended with me buying a rat. Don’t worry – nothing happened to the previous ones.

My brother suggested we buy as many of these rats as we needed for making a bed of them to sleep at night. But we did not. One day he came from Ikea with 15 soft toy balls of different colors and that was the end for this dream-bed.

I stayed loyal to the rats. My heart was hooked when I glanced on them, our eyes met and I could not help grabbing my rats and hugging them till the happiness filled me (and supposedly them, too).

I had never had guts to buy a lot of rats at once: one or two each time – to put in a car or in a new place for living, or as a present to a friend or just to hug on the ride home. I had different reasons – or excuses.

I had a time in my life I felt I should try to reach out for people who were fans of the rat, too. I thought that I could not be the only one who felt this affection for Ikea and its rats. So I set a fan blog on one of the national sites on the Internet. I had two followers at the highest peak of its popularity. I put Ikea rats in every car I could – and soon I reaped what I sowed – neighbors thought it was a nice idea and put Ikea rats in their cars, too. I even started posting some pictures of “Ikea rat in a car – send your photos!” in the blog. Recently this blog was removed due to the lack of activity.

I still have an Ikea rat in my car. And so do some of my parents’ and my own neighbors.

Ikea rat in my car saw a lot: two cars I drove, my boyfriends and friends and people who hitchhiked; she saw me in all kind of states; heard me singing, laughing and crying; it got pinkish in the sun, while the original color was light-brown. I took her to some lectures and classes, I washed her once when she fell in the dirt. She visited houses of my friends and lovers. Last Saturday night she spent at my friend’s place – she was on her own, without me – and I was worried. But she turned out ok, she was wearing a pretty scarf when she came back to the car in the morning the next day. Now she’s just fabulous.

I have four more rats at my place and one beside my bed at parents’ place. My white rat wears a tiny black hat and looks gorgeous. She is resting on the computer sound system. Black one is in the other room on the black sofa. And two brownish rats are on the shelf, one lies on the top of it, while the other is hanging on the tail, which is clipped to the tail of the one on the top. They change places from time to time.

I though it was very important to enlighten you with this story. Thank you very much for reading.

My Assimilation

Once I was a girl who wrote stories and it made her utterly happy to sit at the screen and tap on the keyboard.
Once I was a girl who could get drunk with crystal-clear water, at least with a considerable amount of it.
Once I was a girl who fought with her brother.
Once I was a girl who came home emotionally drained after the day around people, lay down on the floor and cried out loudly. She had problems with calming herself down.
Once I was a girl who did not tolerate smoking and decided to never lit a cigarette in her life.
Once I was a girl who had depression.
Once I was a girl who loved anime and spent on it more time than on anything else.
Once I was a girl who worked at the library and thought it was her dream-job. Her dream-job changed to being a cosmonaut a few years after.
Once I was a girl who was sure she would live forever.
Once I was a girl who talked to herself and saw strange things out of the corner of her eye.
Once I was a girl who had panic attacks and sudden outbursts of rage.
Once I was a girl who wanted to commit suicide and had some nasty plans of how to take her life.
Once I was a girl afraid of physical contact and a girl who stammered talking to people. She avoided sharing drinks with anyone, too. And she washed the floor in her flat with soap every week.
Once I was a girl who cried in her sleep.
Once I was a girl who stopped eating because of anxiety and stress. And a was a vegetarian girl - twice, and a vegan girl once.
Once I was a girl who hurt people that cared about her.
Once I was a girl who was capable of cheating and who set her morals as low as to be able to say yes to a relationship with no future.

I can go on with things that happened to me in the past, of the girl I used to be. But all these are my things. This girl is me. Today I want the courage to accept the roles I've ever taken with all the pain and joy I have experienced. Because my life was the journey to here, now. I'd like to be a solid person, a human with history. I think that wisdom and strength will fall upon me after I conceive and comprehend what led me to who I am.

My New Teapot

Today I brew tea in my new teapot for the second time. It is a very nice piece of ceramics. It's brownish, pleasant to touch. It has a lid that does not really fit. I like this teapot, I have never had one before.

Actually there might be a lot of stuff that I had never possessed in my life. They can be simple like teapot or more complex like... a planet.

I enjoy drawing lately.
Look here:
I like to invent characters and have stories about them. Like this Odd-handed Joe is left-handed, but he uses his right hand a lot, too. He is not ashamed of it one bit. He is actually proud of having this hand, because it is big and strong and beautiful. Some say it's a hand of the devil or a curse for sins of his mother. But Joe there, he thinks of it as a blessing. Someone is born under the lucky star, and Joe was born with his lucky hand. His horses (he trains them, that's what he does for living) love when he pats them on their heads with his right hand. It calms them.

I met with Yui today. We ate sushi and had a nice talk.

I'd like to manage my finances better. Because now it's like: I have enough money to eat, pay taxes, fuel the tank and buy some stuff occasionally. But I want more thorough control over the income and outcome.

I don;t sleep much lately. I tend to stay up till 2 or 3 a.m. doing nothing - looking through tumblr, search for new music or watch movies/series. The worst part of it is that I don't prepare for the Uni. And tomorrow I have a speech in class on the protection of right of securities holder (fascinating like a pear on an arrow in the middle of the forest - idgaf). But I need to share the speech with another person from my group and I don't talk to her much.

My Fanfiction Experiences

I came across a fanfiction drabble on tumblr and realized that I've had a pretty similar experience once.

I was lying in the bed with a boy. I found him attractive at the time. He was asleep for a while but my mind just would not drift away. So I got up, stepped over the boy and got down on the floor. I sat on the carpet with my back resting on the side of the bed. Dark room was dimly lit by my mobile phone - I used to read books from this small screen. I did not close web browser page with text and kept it for a few days, a week at most. I read a rather long story by Philip K. Dick then.

I remember that night pretty well. I remember the chill of the winter night. The ice had already started to cover my heart by then - I felt lonely in the room with the boy who swore his love to me just the same way he swore his hatred for his previous beloved.

But even if I knew then how it would end, I'd still live this night the way I remember it. The story by Philip K. Dick was rather good.

The time of happiness has come and gone. I still feel good, but much calmer now. I try to persuade myself that I am still happy all the time. But in reality I got irritated and frustrated today, which did not happen last week even for a second.

The guy who loves me gives me a certain amount of uneasiness.

My system of belief in the existence of natural law and natural rights of a person (e.g. to live) was criticized today by a professor. I was the only one in class to raise my hand for I really do believe that we have the right to live from the day we are born to the day of death. And it can not be encroached by anything or anyone. Professor said that it is a fiction and actually just crap made up in 18th century to justify the intended fall of the absolute monarchy.

On the bright side I have thought about the new book that I started writing on the spur of a moment some time ago. Now I have a thorough timeline, characters relations, main plot events and even the possible sequel (ok, maybe just a hole in the plot).

I eat a lot of candies and chocolate and nice stuff. Too much, I suppose. I should revive some of the habits I used to have - like minding my diet and sleep.

My Egoism

Oh, it's all so good now. I'm smiling most of time, laughing, having fun.

At the same time my relationship gets worse. He wants my attention and I don't bother to give him that. I think he is a 'boring lawyer' type, I was afraid of becoming one someday. He does not read, oh boy how can a person not have an urge to read fiction? He said he never imagined himself being anything else than a lawyer. I am still pondering over becoming a cosmonaut!
I know what I want from people - marvels and wonders of their world.

[This post is hard to write. But I will not quit]

I really do feel good about myself. But I'm being harsh on my friends. And I've been keeping secrets from them (like watching a TV show further on, while they are misled with my words of how I don't want the story to continue for me). And I don't really miss anyone, I'm not considerate at all. All this time it was kind of all about me. Holding hands at lectures with different people, writing sms to another person. I am not cheating on my boyfriend, because he is not a sufficient part of my life. But he still tells me he loves me and all I can do is mutter "me too" back, almost automatically. It just does not feel like I want to be with someone intimately. I'm all good by myself - for the first time of my life.

I am a bad person, selfish, corrupted inside. I am still what I am, and my past remains the same.

I don't know why and how, but I finally feel good about myself. I like it and appreciate it very very much. I wish I could be like that (or better) from now on. So please, please, tell me if something is wrong and help me make it right. I want everybody to feel the joy of life I feel.

When I want to talk to someone and have nobody online, I either talk to myself or post in this blog. Here I am.

I have an exam tomorrow, for which I am not prepared. And I probably will not prepare properly because I'm too lazy and tired for that. I don't know, some people just call me a failure in my face. And maybe I am one.

Sometimes I remember that I had a plan of becoming an acquaintance to 9 000 people. But it had gone wrong somewhere.

*sigh*

Maybe I should just give up on this exam and go to sleep. Because I don't really care for the outcome anymore.

My Time to Remember

I should remember this time for I have never felt better. Everything in this life brings me joy. Every little tiny thing.
This might be connected to my recent enrollment into fandoms of Supernatural and Sherlock (BBC) through tumblr. Being a part of somethings brings security and peace to humans, obviously.
Or maybe I should put it another way - nothing brings me down. Well, almost nothing. For instance, yesterday I put a picture on the wall in social network and I knew it would be removed, but I did that anyway. The wave of sadness was overwhelming. And then I realized that I had an important experience. Don't do things that will make you sad. It sounds simple, but I dare you to try to understand and follow this advice.
Last week I have read a book which I feel to be of a great value to me. This was a book from the series 'Chronicles of Echo' by Max Frei. His works have always been appealing, but this one told me things I was ready to hear. This should probably be added to my list of things that came on time.
And last week was kind of dedicated to cherishing my relationships. With parents, who came to see me when I was ill and brought me food. I had a few long talks with father on the phone. And there was this St. Valentine's day and I drew a picture with "Family does not end with blood" as a tagline and gave it to two people. I meant it, really. I'm not so sure about one of the receiver, but the other one, for sure, is my family. Well, my real family has always been some strange thing, you might say, but still. And I said 'I love you' a few times. I am lucky to have somebody to whom I can actually say those words. I would also be a great fool not to be happy to be told the same back.

Once I saw a kid with a gun at the street.
I was walking past him and that was like one of the moments from a movie when he is a detective, desperate to find the culprit after the long and thorough investigation, so he decides to give up this case. But then he sees me and it flickers in his mind and everything fits and he realises that there is his criminal, just in his sight and he had always been there.
We were looking into each other eyes. I was passing by, the time ran a little bit slower.
After a few seconds of hesitation he raised his gun and shot me.

My Dear Blog

Oh, dear blog. I am sorry I don't write here when I am happy, so you only get my negative thoughts.

Today was a good day. Even with smoking and losing sight. I have felt rapture in me. And endless gratitude for life. I feel it more and more each day. I simply look around me or out of the window and happiness fills me from the inside.

Everything is beautiful. It's just that sometimes sadness prevails and I get a little bit (or very) depressed about life and my failed expectations.

But on days like today, I know I can do things. I can succeed in everything. And my life will turn out to be a very happy one. I am certain that I will find the strength I seek now. I will do things that I like more than those that I don't.

And then, maybe, I will start writing again.

But that's about future. And today just rests in the history of good days.

I have finished a book, which was Russian and I liked it. I began reading Good Omens today, too. I think that's going to be a great book, because I want to hug it (and I have not read more than 25 pages yet).

So, my dear blog, as you can see, I live my life in joy. I love my life and everything in it.
I come to you to ease my mind and let the grief and sadness go away. But I know that you want to be positive sometimes, too. So there you go - this post is for you.

My 30 Hours

The last post indicated really important thoughts that got me through any kind of sadness these past days. It's like a small fire inside of me.

I am still obsessed with Sherlock by BBC. In my opinion, it is the tv show of the highest quality I have ever seen in my life.

This night was a strange one. Not because I tried to study again just before the exam. But because I could not sleep. I tried to - twice (at night and in the morning). It just did not work. I was lying in bed for 2 hours, and this Sherlock tune was playing in my head over and over again, quite irritating, and I was bending to find a pose (any pose) comfortable enough to sleep. Nothing helped. I do not know the reason.
So, from around 12 p.m. yesterday till 8 p.m. today I did not sleep. It's my first time to pass the '24 hours without sleep' line.
But I am going to try to get some sleep again now. A curious thing, though - I don't really feel the need to sleep.

My Meanings, Points and Reasons

I live in a small flat. I smoke and drink occasionally. I am depressed quite frequently. And sometimes I ditch my chores for a long time.

My life is meaningless. It is pointless.

And the only reason for me to live is to make it different.


P.S. I just have drunk more whiskey than usually. And I've read this "Alone on the water" fanfiction, which was good except for their kissing (like wtf - totally out of concept). And actually, I did not feel myself more comfortable with me than tonight.

I am bored. And that's depressing. I am rarely bored, I always find something to do - read, write, watch, talk.
But nothing seems to excite me today.
My bro had a birthday this week and I did not congratulate him on that properly. He is 27. Living with his girlfriend. He is very very distant now.
Actually I don't know who is really close to me. I had a guy who was and I screwed it with confessing my love to him.
I have a boy who kind of trying to be in a relationship with me. I wish him strength because I don't feel like sharing my world with him.

My sink/sync

So yeah. Hard day today watching 9 episodes of Supernatural and scrolling tumblr.

I have a pile of dishes in the sink waiting to be cleaned.

I have slept till 2 p.m.

I did not call my pa, though that was kind of obligatory.

I did not read anything for the exam.

My life seems a little bit out of sync lately.

The next two days I will change the world again.

But it just does not stay that way.

That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:10)

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in a casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
- C.S. Lewis

My Moments of Solitude

It was not that random - I wanted to smoke for two weeks now. Not the constant urge to light the cigarette, just these thoughts occasionally. Or rather - delusions of me smoking and feeling better. Quite a trick of the brain. So there I was, standing, staring at walls and stairs, feeling warm smoke touch my skin. I like it when my fingers are cold. They feel more fragile and thin and beautiful. I do not understand how this works, either. Sometimes I want them to be warmer - to be more comfortable when holding hands, but that does not happen. Before coming out of the flat I asked a friend to wait me on icq online. 'Won't take long' - I said - 'Ten minutes at most'. You know, just the feeling that somebody waits for you. Even if you do bad things to yourself.
Standing there I thought about these opportunities again. I am only twenty, my whole life is ahead and I don't know what I want. Being kind of lost and waiting to begin my road to somewhere. But not just anywhere. The destination has to be all shiny and beautiful, of course. And yet there are so many things you see on the horizon, tempting you to dedicate your life to them. It's like standing with your eyes shut and then open them and be blinded by all the light the world can offer you.
And after all the thoughts, flowing slowly, slower with every breath, with every molecule of nicotine going to my brain, I went back. Oh, a friend waited for me - such a relief, I'm still wanted by someone on this planet.
'I will follow you into the dark' was playing on repeat the whole time, I changed it for 'Halleluja' by Rufus Wainwright and...
...and for a minute or two I actually thought that all of it, somehow, will be a solid thing, like solving a puzzle, putting shattered pieces together - the Universe will actually make sense.
But then I lost it again.

"John, writing a blog about everything that happens to you will honestly help you."
"Nothing happens to me."
- A study in pink. 1x1 of Sherlock, 2010.

My Cracks

I probably should not be thinking it now, considering the state of my preparation for the exam on Monday, but I still do.
So, today's the day of the first crack in my relationship. Everything's in my head, alright. It's just we are so indecisive together: where to go/what to do etc.
I hope that's just thoughts in the middle of exams-time depression. And they will go away. But I know how it starts in me. Brrr.

My Oversleeping

New Year always shatters my sleep pattern. I simply can't get up earlier than the midday. Today I set an experiment: made my alarm go off at 8 a.m., 9 a.m., 10 a.m. and 11 a.m. Huh, at around 9-10 a.m. I thought that it is necessary for me to stay in bed and save my crew and getting up would be ugly betrayal.
I cooked meat and it rocked.
I'm in no mood to do anything at all. And it's sunny outside, which is so rare this winter.

My Fishing

Haha! That's the second day I live on 1,500 Kcal diet. Because yes, I forgot to eat meat. But today I've bought 3 nice pieces of pork, so tomorrow is my meat feast. Plus, I plan on baking an apple pie (I have dough in the fridge and lots of apples).
I've installed Quake 3 on linux today, but OpenArena runs much better. I miss those fps of my youth. Yesterday I played 4 hours straight of flash zombie game (Rebuild) my friend recommended (I helped him with cooking fish at his place the day before).

And that's how my preparation for exams goes. I know it's still not the time to start panicking, but I should totally work more. Because in 2 days I only drafted answers for 10 (11) questions.

Tomorrow my mom and I are going to museum to see this exhibition of W. Blake. I just hope I will wake up earlier tomorrow, not at 12 a.m.

So, I'm off to plan tomorrow and do other stuff.