My Water with Salt

I drank half a cup of water with salt in it. And then another half with more salt.
What happened next was pretty bad. Because I did not throw up, not really. I was just standing on my knees on the floor in the bathroom, coughing and crying and spitting. Now my right eye is swollen and my throat hurts a bit, never mind a mild nausea.

But well, I frequently feel sick after smoking anyways. Yeah, I smoked afterwards. It does not help a bit, by the way. Well, maybe a little bit. I still do not approve, because that's not how smart people spend their evenings.

I have skipped classes today. Just did not feel like going. I watched Dirk Gently instead and cooked a nice meal. And then I went to work, DD again (I would not say I missed DD projects, though).

My ex-bf left me a message a few days ago contemplating that he did not love me. It seems they all do that afterwards, but why begin a relationship then? No, I mean, I understand. It's just realizing that I've been lied to makes me feel miserable and unwanted and UNLOVED. Now that's the worst thing for me to hear. I want to be loved so much that I blindly follow anyone who shows any sign of interest in me. And I have made so many mistakes already, I trusted people so many times. Yet I do not seem to learn from my mistakes. I was irritated by this message for more than one reason. You go to your friends and make them listen to your shit, but you do not go to your ex and bring it on the girl after everything has been discussed already. You suffer and struggle in your head or you act ruthlessly - but you do not say the crap - and even if you have this urge you tell it personally, to the face. You do not avoid or ignore a person and then sneak and write your "thoughts" in mail box.

Damn it it just piled up on the crap I always have in my head. I feel miserable and annoyed and frustrated. I want love they have in silly books. And I want to be beautiful and I am not. I want something to rely on and I've got nothing. What I have is not enough, never was and never will be.

I watched Moulin Rouge and it was way too good. I laughed and cried and sang along. I cherished the idea of creating such a flawless story some day. And then I doubted I would ever be able to do that. Because 1) I am a girl 2) I am not beautiful 3) I am not such a good writer and not a great person overall.

It really does frustrate me. I am a failure - I feel like one. And I am bored and lonely and it takes me years and years back when I started to feel sadness and pain from not being loved. I was a child then. It got worse with years. And even though I sometimes think that is gets better, that I can be happy and that I am loved and I can do whatever I want and that I will succeed - it just turns out to be fake. Only sadness and loneliness remains.