My Chances

I should go to sleep because I feel upset. But my hair is wet and it will take a while before it dries, so I can write about how sad I am. Hopefully, it will lighten the burden.
I've been kind of ill for the past week, and I did not have a chance to stay at home and heal properly. I am still coughing. My physical state might be a reason.
What saddens me, though, is life overall.
I will probably live a very ordinary life with its griefs and joys. The older I get the less I believe in love and dreams and happy endings. And I feel pretty old now. It sounds foolish, I know. But what are my chances? Chance to meet a person who will be good to me, chance to finish the book I started, chance to become much better at drawing... Chances are slim.
And the more I try, the more I understand that what I do is not enough. And I have no will to try harder because what I've seen so far got me frustrated and suspicious.
When I thought I had these feelings called love I let my beloved crash me. I am broken now, tried to repair it, but I seem to keep falling back. Once you know how to destroy feelings, you can do it again. Yet what I never really learned how to do is how to fix it.
I would like to crave for publishing a book. And I want to believe in the miracle of love and the possibility of meeting this one person someday. But is there such a thing out there, and if there is, what are my chances?