My Moments of Solitude

It was not that random - I wanted to smoke for two weeks now. Not the constant urge to light the cigarette, just these thoughts occasionally. Or rather - delusions of me smoking and feeling better. Quite a trick of the brain. So there I was, standing, staring at walls and stairs, feeling warm smoke touch my skin. I like it when my fingers are cold. They feel more fragile and thin and beautiful. I do not understand how this works, either. Sometimes I want them to be warmer - to be more comfortable when holding hands, but that does not happen. Before coming out of the flat I asked a friend to wait me on icq online. 'Won't take long' - I said - 'Ten minutes at most'. You know, just the feeling that somebody waits for you. Even if you do bad things to yourself.
Standing there I thought about these opportunities again. I am only twenty, my whole life is ahead and I don't know what I want. Being kind of lost and waiting to begin my road to somewhere. But not just anywhere. The destination has to be all shiny and beautiful, of course. And yet there are so many things you see on the horizon, tempting you to dedicate your life to them. It's like standing with your eyes shut and then open them and be blinded by all the light the world can offer you.
And after all the thoughts, flowing slowly, slower with every breath, with every molecule of nicotine going to my brain, I went back. Oh, a friend waited for me - such a relief, I'm still wanted by someone on this planet.
'I will follow you into the dark' was playing on repeat the whole time, I changed it for 'Halleluja' by Rufus Wainwright and...
...and for a minute or two I actually thought that all of it, somehow, will be a solid thing, like solving a puzzle, putting shattered pieces together - the Universe will actually make sense.
But then I lost it again.