I will not participate:
1. I had a negative experience trying to write a trashy novel based on my life for NaNoWriMo. Boring.
2. I simply do not have any time for that (please note that all my free time is wasted on watching tv series, not even reading).
3. I am afraid that upon finishing a novel I might lose any will to live further. I only wanted to have sex and write a book in my life and then I'm good to go. So...
November is a good month for changes, though. But it's the loneliest month of the year and the saddest. And it's got most of sweets in it, too. I've already got a 'maple pecan' for tomorrow morning.
I don't know why I am still on the lowest levels of self-development. Albeit I read a lot on self-help and improvements, I did not implement them. How people are so in love with themselves sometimes?
I have thought about fears lately. And about the fear of death in particular. And I don't have it. I just think that my life is not worth keeping, I do not have any purpose. And though I was trying to find it in some kind of activity, I have come to a conclusion that the only chance for me to fill my life with a reason is to fall in love. And oh, haven't I tried that, too. I only want people I can't get and I don't want those that fall into my arms and keep coming back. But I ache and long for their warmth. And this is all pain pain pain.
That was so good finally having this dream - somewhere away something you can hold on to, something you want to reach and someone you want to become better for. Well, thank you, the Universe, for letting me know there is something better somewhere out there. It made it much more painful to live every day. And I don't know why I have filled my life with sadness while I could have had it all - anything I wanted and even more. But Muse were right - 'You could be the best if you only had the chance'. Now what should I do? Hell, I know what should be done. I am pretty sure I won't do that. And there are some things I won't even do or have. I'm too old and too dead and broken for that.
But there are still lots of opportunities. And I am still not good enough. Well, I'm pretty sure I will never be good enough for anything I ever wanted.
What am I doing? Huh. I'm so tired.
1. I had a negative experience trying to write a trashy novel based on my life for NaNoWriMo. Boring.
2. I simply do not have any time for that (please note that all my free time is wasted on watching tv series, not even reading).
3. I am afraid that upon finishing a novel I might lose any will to live further. I only wanted to have sex and write a book in my life and then I'm good to go. So...
November is a good month for changes, though. But it's the loneliest month of the year and the saddest. And it's got most of sweets in it, too. I've already got a 'maple pecan' for tomorrow morning.
I don't know why I am still on the lowest levels of self-development. Albeit I read a lot on self-help and improvements, I did not implement them. How people are so in love with themselves sometimes?
I have thought about fears lately. And about the fear of death in particular. And I don't have it. I just think that my life is not worth keeping, I do not have any purpose. And though I was trying to find it in some kind of activity, I have come to a conclusion that the only chance for me to fill my life with a reason is to fall in love. And oh, haven't I tried that, too. I only want people I can't get and I don't want those that fall into my arms and keep coming back. But I ache and long for their warmth. And this is all pain pain pain.
That was so good finally having this dream - somewhere away something you can hold on to, something you want to reach and someone you want to become better for. Well, thank you, the Universe, for letting me know there is something better somewhere out there. It made it much more painful to live every day. And I don't know why I have filled my life with sadness while I could have had it all - anything I wanted and even more. But Muse were right - 'You could be the best if you only had the chance'. Now what should I do? Hell, I know what should be done. I am pretty sure I won't do that. And there are some things I won't even do or have. I'm too old and too dead and broken for that.
But there are still lots of opportunities. And I am still not good enough. Well, I'm pretty sure I will never be good enough for anything I ever wanted.
What am I doing? Huh. I'm so tired.
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