My last post of the year 2009

Pretty embarrassing to be blogging 5 minutes to the New Year.
Happy New Year everyone.

I guess I will change the system from Gentoo KDE to Ubunchu in the end.

My 2009 year: credits

Yup, it's this time of the year again. So, I'm making a list as a year ago.
In 2009 (in no particular order):

1. I matured. Really. I have become stronger.
   
2. I lived a month without meat.
3. I applied for two coursepapers. One at the department I'm planning on entering the fourth year of University.
   
4. I read a lot. Not as much as I could, but still I'm content with myself.
5. I got a driving license! And more than that I got a car. It's not mine but I can drive it alright. Almost any time I want.
   
6. I became smarter. Without doubt. And more realistic as well. Plus see point 1.
7. I ceased communication with my future husband (I can't believe I called him that). This is sad, but I knew this would have happened sooner or later. That's what things are in this world.
   
8. I gave much thought to the inspiration matter, as well as motivation.
9. I signed up for the State Library. For me this is a great accomplishment because I like libraries.
10. I have passed two exam sessions already. Quite successful, as I became the second year student.
    
11. I felt affection to yet another girl. She got an axe and went home. Sad stuff happens. But I'm getting used to it.
    
12. I found some good old music - kind of discovered it for myself. It brought me peace and happiness.
13. I have signed for free French courses at the University and now I'm attending them. Got a zachot already.
    
14. I re-watched several favorite animes, not every one of them though. I watched a lot of dorama and movies and series. Actually, I wasted a lot of time for that.
    
15. I traveled to America, Washington, DC.
16. I began feeling more lonely. And I got a habit of sighing.
    
17. I became less girly than I used to be or so it seems.
18. I ruined my summer. August in vain. I'm happy I got out of this pretty healthy. Because what I was doing at summer was bad.
19. I stammer more than ever. It's pretty funny, actually.
    
20. I changed.
    

So, this is it. Maybe I'll think of something tomorrow, because it is pretty late already. Maybe not. I'm actually looking quite optimistic at my past and my future. I;m waiting, I'm searching and trying hard. I'll survive and succeed because that's what I was created for. (Is it that simple?)
I lived another year full of joy and sorrow, fun and hard work, dreams and failures. I lived another year of my life.

My month without meat

This post should have been there yesterday for I began eating meat again on 25 of December.
Well, through this trial I have realized a few things. For example, that I can go without meat and fish pretty good. I actually ate eggs and diary so I got enough proteins, I guess. I consumed fish oil in capsules frequently, too.
I had almost no health problems with switching from one diet to another. Though, I am not sure about eating meat again - I felt somewhat sick yesterday evening and today morning but I think it all was about my last zachot and nerves.
And I now know that one can really acquire a habit doing something for 30 days. I do not want to eat meat now because I got used to avoid it in my meals. I actually thought that I did not eat meat all my life and almost forgot its taste. Now its taste is not that good for me.
I cannot say that the time without meat was better than the time with it. I did not really notice the difference. Maybe I gained some weight because I ate carbs as a substitution for meat.
Then I would like to mention that my friends were not supportive at all, they made stupid jokes and asked stupid questions over and over again instead of giving me strength and inspiration. I was irritated and depressed because of this. My family did not approve this at all and kept telling me the same damn things that I know quite good every weekend so that I was even thinking of not going to my parents' for a while. And mum kept forgetting that I was a vegetarian for a month. Oh, it was hell.
Anyway, I did this for myself and it kind of gave me some courage and raised my self-esteem a little bit for now I know I can do things. For a student it was not much, of course. I did not eat much meat before that, too. But opposing my parents was tough.
This trial certainly goes into my experience account. It was fun to undergo this trial. So, I'm already thinking of another one to drop bad habits and acquire good ones.

My last week of December

This one is the last week of December because the next one will be Dec-Jan already. Ah~ it's the end of the year. Unbelievable.
I did not work hard this week yet.
Monday was spent on going with my Dad to take his car to repairing. Then we discussed life goals. After that we both slept till the evening.
The next thing I remember beside watching dorama is French zachot on Wednesday. That day I went to Avatar movie.
Now it's the end of Thursday. Today I did little shopping, cleared the whole apartment listening to nice old folk music, packed presents for New Year and watched dorama.
It's the dorama week, alright.
Oh, I have drunk so much liquid today, that I feel like I am a bubble filled with water. I also tried to eat everything that can go bad in less than a month, but was not that successful.
So, this week I didn't read much, didn't study much. I surely have cried much, ate much, watched much dorama (too much maybe).
Haha. Today one funny thought has crossed my mind. I want a husband, not a diploma. It surely would have been nice if I had a person to fill my life with meaning.
Also I have thought of a non-existing pal who is able to inspire his friends. And I am not sure if there is even one, because I doubt that I am like that.
That's strange and funny, but I am still searching for the type of a person I want to be. Why being myself is no good is quite understandable. What is the 'belief in yourself' anyway?
I must go to bed now for I have French early in the morning and I hope that I will not oversleep because then it will be a disaster.

My Time Machine

My friend is back. He bought me something, but still did not decide what to give me as a souvenir from Germany, so I'm waiting (that is funny). I almost did not miss him. Almost.
Now I'm looking out of a window at the night and all the lights are trembling. Thanks *** I'm not a fly to see shimmering of the screen. Haha.
I am re-watching Japanese dorama called "Nobuta o produce" and I realised that I have accepted a lot of thoughts and ideas from the series. It is kind of like a part of my life philosophy.
At breakfast I was thinking of the time machine and I found out that I do not want to come to the past and change anything like being more studious and getting appreciation from certain profs. I do not even want to come further in the past to see what was it like in Medieval times or even earlier. I would have liked to go only to the future. To see what no one has ever seen and to know what is still unknown.
My bro said to me a little while ago that we are now as close to the singularity as we have ever been. But I doubt that it is close enough. I suppose that every minute brings us closer and the next minute is surely the closest one. It's logical. Well, I'm not optimistic this time again.
Back to my real life. I have a lot of work to do this week, but the next week will be:

1. the last week of studies before the NY and then exams (I'm planning of not going home next week and study berserk-like for the upcoming exams and zachots)
2. the last week of being a vegetarian (I'm sure you are waiting for this post as much as I do)
3. the last week of this unconditional cold weather (hopefully, it will last only till Wednesday)

I've learnt today that I will have to study for one more zachot on French and I do not know what I should do and know for it. So, this Friday I will talk to the teacher.
I admit regretting the wasted time I should have spent on thinking about studying and actually studying. But I don't think it will change anything. It's like my mum said - I will become better through time. It is just me and the world which I'm going to change. I want this world to be comfortable, safe, friendly to me. Am I being childish? Surely. I am a child. And I'm going to really change something in this world. I want to make difference. I want to breed people so that they will change for the good. I want to save their minds from rusting, I want to get them to think about what they are doing in their lives. I want to make them realise that being good to others is natural, I want to make them better persons. I want to show them the real beauty of things like love and friendship, tolerance and kindness. I want them to see the world through my eyes, to experience things that I experience. I want to help them change themselves. I want to give people part of my heart, I want them to sympathise with me.
Ok, I'm still not crying. Is it selfish to say all this? I'm sorry for being rude. I want to change myself too. I am still not the person I want to be, but I know that I am the person I made myself. And I know that I'm capable of anything. I just know that the time will come when people will listen to me and make this world a better place with me.
I do not need a time machine because I am the time machine, which is going to bring the dreamy shining future.

My sad time of the year

The saddest time in the year for me is the week when students are told that they've been working hard and they get their exams' marks without taking exams. That's not that I'm envious, that's just that I'm terribly angry with myself. I am not stupid, I'm lazy.
I lack self-discipline and I hate that time when everybody who was working hard and were not shy to talk in the class get appreciation from profs. I never get it. I'm not that studious student. At these time of the year I want to listen to LP.
I am not living up to my expectations, so what am I hoping for? Hating myself for loving myself too much - my mind blows up with that thought, really.
I have little hardships in my life. I can get whatever I want. Why do I not work hard? Is it the lack of upbringing? I can't say that. These thought are lame. I should blame only myself.
I'm stressed out again, I'm not eating well (setting aside being a vegetarian, I eat too much carbs and not enough veggies and vitamins), I'm tired of this sudden cold, I'm tired of not sleeping much, of watching stupid series and not doing much for Uni. I'm tired of being lost. I'm tired of being depressed.
I will die so why even bother. What difference can I make? What is this all for? Ah, I'm being such a teenager as I'm still asking these stupid questions. I should forget about that and do some work, some useless things which are not going to take me anywhere I want, because I don't know what I want. I should not give it so much thought. I should drop this philosophical questions, should I?

My Inspirational Life

In the dark room I was standing on my knees. Tears were streaming down my cheeks never stopping. I clenched my fists and whispered:

I am strong. I am happy. I will succeed. I will be able to do anything. Through these tears I will grow stronger. I will succeed. I am strong. I am strong.

I kept telling this to myself in a breaking whisper. I have been bitterly crying that night.
This scene comes to my mind again and again - or does it ever leaves me?

That, I think, is an inspirational story. My story.
I can find inspiration in my own life. I am the source of it, am I not?

"Know yourself" sticky-note is on my wall since the end of last week.
I want to go on a self-realization trip. I have been planning going home from the University a pied (French for "on foot"). That's a pretty long journey. But now it is so cold that I am literally horrified of that opportunity. So, once it is warm enough for me to breath freely outside the house, I guess I will consider taking the challenge. Or in summer, after I pass all the exams for the next year. It seems so long, but I know that "time waits for no-one" and I will be surprised again at how calmly the days flow by.

My Winnie the Pooh Quote

"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

-- From A.A. Milne's Winnie the Pooh

My 18th December

Yup. I've got new plan.
So, there are the goals for this December of 2009 (the remains of it):

1. Finish all the books I'm reading now (Lord of the flies, Vishnevski, Darren Shan's 3rd book, Strugatskiye, THGTG)
   
2. Have plans of work for two coursepapers and talk to tutors on this
3. Get all works for the semester done
4. Begin restoring the lost info on Palm (because these stories are dear to me)
   
5. Prepare for the exams (read acts on constitutional law, write all the info needed for philosophy and read lectures + add from books for international law)

I should divide and plan my work on the 5th point here. I guess I will do that on Google calendar.
I know that it will be painful to go back to my 2009 year plans, but at least I am conscious about it. I will post around the NY time on this matter. And I guess I will come up with the next plan for 2010.

My search

First I thought I was lonely because I did not have people to spend my time with. Now I hang out with friends quite a lot and I'm feeling as lonely as ever.
My cheeks are itching because of tears. I've been standing beside a window in a dark room and thinking sad thoughts.
Maybe that's because I miss him, maybe that's because I liked him, really liked him and not seeing him at least twice a week make me feel lonely? Who am I kidding? This is not the reason, that would have been too simple.
He is far away, he is getting acquainted with new people and what am I doing? Crying over my life which is definitely not like I want it to be?
When I'm telling everybody (mostly to convince myself) that I'll always be 12 years old, I know that at that time I was naively in love for the very first time in my life. I suppose at that time I already wanted to kill myself. I doubt these are the best years of my life. But being a 12-year-old kid was fun: not knowing what a terrible thing this world is, not regretting anything, not yet being this sceptical and critical of others because of your own mistakes, feeling safety.
I'm bragging like an old person, am I? Or saying so makes me look even more self-centred and thus pathetic?
Will I be able to find a few pals with whom I really would like to spend the hours of my life? Or should I just settle down and take people around me as they are, accepting the reality and giving up on dreams?
Am I better all alone? Should I just let it be? Should I believe that someone will save me someday? Or should I throw myself into the world and search?

My high spirits

I want to inspire people. But I am sure that this can be achieved only by hard work of oneself.
It is undoubtedly inspirational to look at the person who dedicates his strengths and everything to the thing he likes to do. Passion is inspiring.
I am quite excited because I wrote something. It was during the lecture. About half a page actually, nothing serious. Haha, I've been thinking of going in for cosmic law but still have not formed the final opinion.
I am re-watching Honey and Clover this week. It is still very emotional to me. I like to reminiscent about what I was when I watched that for the first time. How dreamy and romantic I was. And what thoughts I had at that time. So nostalgic.
I have to develop my willpower. I went to the canteen today instead of going to the library and doing some work on the coursepapers. I had to do the plan till tomorrow. I will go to my tutor(s) next week because of that. I really should stop this depressing socializing. Though, it might help me to make myself a better person. Or is it that my friendship is what depresses me? This thought is coming to me again and again. I should really enlarge my socializing range. I talked to Yarik today. Ah, he is such a gamer. No good as well, but a new person alright.
I attend classes of French and this is quite good. I feel that I can do things (probably because I used to learn French back at school). But anyway what makes me feel good is good.
I should not forget to make up an English Debate Club next year. Do I sound like a certain student of the Rushmore Academy?
This is my 7th day of being a vegetarian. 23 days to go. I began to have headaches lately. I am not sure that this is the reason, but I'll try to find out. If my headaches are not gone within a week I'm going to drop the practice of being a vegetarian. And I am not sure that my high spirits lately was caused by the diet, too.
I decided to do all the homework for Mo and Tu during the week, so I'll go now.
Bye-nee!

My 3/4 of Avocado

I should not have fed myself with avocado. I did not deserve this.
I am vegetarian for 4 days now. I can't tell the difference yet - it's too early. But I do want to eat meat. When I see it on the table - that is.
I failed to update my KDE this time. I guess I'll try on the 50th week. I can't believe it is already December. Soon. Grhem.
I haven't finished Philosophy studies again, I feel kind of depressed about this damn routine every week.
There is something in my throat that hinders my breath. I feel so misunderstood and lonely again. Nah, I don't want the depression come all over me now when I felt so good the previous week. Is it weather or my unwanted coming home on weekends?

P.S. About my 30-days trial. As I failed most of the points I declare this stuff not important for the blog any more. I'll try to keep up with that anyway and will maybe still do some reports. I will continue being vegetarian, which will last till 25th of December (very convenient).

My 30-days trial: Day 2

1. Done
2. Done
3. Still eating sausages. I've read about vegetarianism on wikipedia and realized I will eat some fish anyway, it is the only possible source of Omega-3 for me.
4. Not done.
6. Done.
7. Read on atheism on wikipedia. Some of the absurd religions as well.
8. Slept till 7 a.m. Kind of progress for me.
9. Not
10. Vegetarianism and pescetarianism count.
11. Not.
12. Tomorrow is the day.
Went to the cinema tonight. I was driving my friends there. Yatta. Well, I laughed at the second Twilight, it is hilarious.

My 30-days trial: Day 1

I decided to write an every day review of me following the trial.

1. I am writing now, so this is done.
2. I had PE today and our trainer was dissatisfied with our group. I felt really depressed after his not-so-encouraging speech. But I made some stretches and training anyway.
3. I ate sausages today. I'll try to finish them ASAP.
4. I didn't study for my exams yet. Though, I got notes from a friend and I'm going to study philosophy with these notes. By the way, I got "Bad" for my work on the previous week. Mah.
5. I probably will go on foot tomorrow because I'm planning to go to the cinema and so will come back late - no free parking space.
6. I've read one more chapter of Hitchhiker's Guide.
7. I've watched some Hetalia and then read about the Suez Conflict and how France and England almost married.
8. I woke up at 5-33 a.m. but went to sleep at 7 and woke up again at 9.40 a.m. That's all my bro's fault. We talked till around 1 a.m. or even later.
9. I didn't give much thought to my book. As always.
10. I went through some Pavlina's articles but I will read a little bit more next morning. I hope I will get up earlier than 7 a.m.
11. Nah. I got a pencil and found a sketchbook, though.
12. Yes, I looked through a huge pile of papers which was resting on printer. Oh my. There actually was a book I never ever used for studies.
13. I realised I made my English homework last week. Such a good feeling. Gotta prepare for Civil law now or in the morning.
About today. I still can feel his taste on my lips and teeth. A little bit salty. I wanted to give him a bite on his neck like a vampire would do but it was more like a kiss right after the lecture. I am crazy, I can even fall in love with him like that. Dunno if I want to know why he said no to me. I think I won't see him till maybe Friday.
I forgot to call to the library and so my books are lost by now for me. I will go there on Thursday anyway for I asked for more books.
And I've set my mind to studying French.

My 30-days trial

I finally decided to start it, following Steve Pavlina's advice.
I actually picked up his ideas as well (some of them were mine as well and I agree with some of them).
So, here is the list of things I will do every single day for a month starting Nov 22 and ending on Dec 22:

1. Write in this blog
2. Do exercises for 15 minutes a day
   
3. Become a lacto-ovo vegetarian (tough, I hope my parents will understand it, and I will become vegetarian in a few steps as I don't want to waste the food I have now, so I'll probably set another ending date for that)
   
4. Studying for the upcoming exams little by little for 20 minutes a day
   
5. Walk to University once a week (Thirsday, most probably)
   
6. Read fiction books for 30 minutes a day
7. Read on interesting matters for 30 minutes a day
   
8. Become an early riser (this is required for accomplishing the whole trial)
9. Think about the Book (as I'm still hoping to become a writer)
10. Read self-improvement articles for 15 minutes a day
11. Sketch a day (that was my 2009 year goal)
12. Organize and clean the apartment and workplace every second day for 15 minutes

Now I have a dozen things to do every day with one more - studying - which makes it the devil's dozen. For these 12 I will spend (approx) 3 hours. I walk around throughout the day for about 16 hours. So, it's 13 hours for the 13'th activity. Alright, now I'll go and sleep. I will wake up at 5.28 a.m. tomorrow and every day this month.

My immortality

I would have liked to be immortal. Then I would spend my time on every possible activity. I would be playing piano and harmonica. I will read a whole lot of books. I would study physics, chemistry and biology with medicine and psychology. I would be talking to different people asking about their lives - much shorter than mine.
I know I am not immortal. I am quite sure of it. I do not believe in anything superficial so I am sure I have little time there.
That is funny to think on what I could have spent the life lasting till the end of the world while spending my real limited time without much thought.

My Libraries

Today I signed up for the State Library. Was impressed by how many people signs up every day. Also went to the other library building of my University library which is where my Alma Mater was situated before it moved to where it is now. There are still a few faculties there, too. I worked on my coursepapers, got pretty tired and went home after that. I'll go to the state library tomorrow again. It was nice to see my family and have a dinner with them.
I forgot completely about my so-called broken heart for the day. On Monday I asked a guy out. Never will do that again. No more sorrow, like one of LP's song says. I wasn't much in love with him anyway. I was bored and depressed and wanted to feel better, so I'm kind of glad he rejected my "offer" (too afraid to write 'rejected me' for he is my friend and remains so).
Now to another topic: I guess I'm pretty much sure that I can do anything if I try hard enough, so I don't even bother doing that. 'Where are the limits?' somebody asks himself. Nowhere. There are no limits. I don't even want to check that. I really do have some symptoms of ADD =) Just kidding, but I don't set my mind for something for a long time.
I just thought that if I set a lot of deadlines and activities for myself, I will grow stronger. I didn't manage to set them, wasn't paying to much attention to that.
Anyhow, 8 hours of sleep awaits me.

My week ending with tears

What if I cry in front of somebody? Nothing because: 1) I won't do this 2) it won't change anything.
I want to have someone in me. I don't want to wander in the darkness anymore. I want to love, to feel someone in my heart and thoughts. I want to sing out loud to the skies, to see the words flowing onto the paper, to be able to do magic. I want a full moon and stars high above and a tender light right into my soul, and gentle wind going through my long hair. I want to smile freely, not to sigh at weekends.
Back to reality: I hope Monday & Tuesday will pass quickly. These are surely not my favorite days of the week. I have a work tomorrow on philosophy.
I have a new blood-colored string on my wrist. I want to darken my hair, but I probably won't change anything. I will probably stay the way I am. Nothing's gonna ever happen. I am not Haruhi, and she won't come for me as I'm too normal for her. Ah~ Anime ruined my life *Brahaha*
I am gonna starve myself for a week and see what happens. This is one of my challenging projects. I just hope that the next week will be happier than this one, which actually ended with me crying.

My Desperate Wish

Sort out your life already!
No, I doubt I will be preparing for philosophy tomorrow.
But I know that now I'm going to sleep.

My Perfect Boyfriend

I wonder why I began thinking of a list of characteristics of my ideal bf while going my all-mornings path from the car to the faculty this morning.
By the way, I was leaving all kinds of footprints today: in the morning they were sleepy-footprints, then lazy footprints at midday, content footprints during the lunchtime and no footprints in the evening as the snow had melt by the time I set my feet on the ground.
Back to the topic. My list consisted of pretty picky things, like how he should brush his teeth and wash his hair and how he should smell nicely. This kind of things. I don't have much time in the morning to make large lists, but you've got the idea now.
So, in the evening I came back to these morning thoughts and all I could come up with was that I liked guys in suits. I know, I know I'm saying this all the time. But this is so utterly cool that I can't help staring at guys who wear suits. Unfortunately, not many of them come all dressed up the way I like it. Maybe that's why I like to be around Mr. Polyanski. Though, I know that when he does not have classes with students he does not wear suits.
I watched the movie called A Garden State, which I didn't really like. Mainly because I thought it would be a comedy and it wasn't while I like comedies. The soundtrack was good (Grammy Awards are not given on the weekends' sales after all). Well, I just thought that maybe some time in the future there will be somebody who will change my life in a few days. Mah. Probably not.
Anyhoo (mwa-ha-ha at my misspelling) I have a new netbook now. And I don't like it. But - hush - it does not need to know my attitude. It seems that I personificate things too much lately. And they are males mostly. And I still haven't read any of Freud's poetry.
Poetry... I am still thinking about her and I tend to think that I'd better not. Because I suppose I always get attached to people post factum, which is bad, because there is no hope to continue relashionships. Ah, I know that after some time I will forget about whom I even write right now. Anyway, I do not want to hurt my future self, so don't you worry about it. Relax, everything's fine.

My War

Sometimes I think that the war had begun. For instance, when I hear helicopter going around in the sky, or sounds of some big cars which remind me of tanks. I dunno if that is one of my inner fears - or desires (which I doubt) but still that's true.
I have read 1,5 books of Darren Shan's saga. As I've seen the movie on Tuesday, I decided to read the novels. Yes, that's that simple. And I also read two other books - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and Zolotoy Telyonok (in Russian). Mah.
Mr. Polyanski finally signed my coursepaper appliance. Nice stuff. Though, I suppose, I will have some problems with literature for my work as it is in the different library. And quite far away, too. Weird, but that's fate.
I never saw my girl leaving. I wrote a four-line poem for her. But whatever.
I hope war is not soon. I like the feeling of peace.

My Pre-Saints Week

First snow. Wonderful, really.
I've had a running nose and a bad cough for two weeks now.
My girl is going home. She decided not to try. Well, "and if there is a god, then god bless you" as a song says. I wanna kiss her forehead for farewell. I doubt I will manage to do that. I doubt I really want and will see her before she leaves. I want to grieve about all this situation, but -- whatever, my head will stay cold (literally - because it seems that I have a temperature).
I'm kind of happy lately. I don't take the life serious. I don't need to work to survive. I am happy. If I repeat this many times enough to really believe in this stuff, that will be good.
I found a new group that I like - Peter, Paul & Mary. Nice folks.
I now have two coursepapers to work on. Not officially yet, but I hope to get an agreement from Mr. Polyanski on Monday or someday on the week. I'm not sure if ~ whatever (yet again). I am sure.
I'm not recognizing myself. I didn't think about it anyway.
I want to be silent now. I don't want to talk. I'll go to sleep, I guess.

My Coming Back and Future Super-Unique Life

I haven't been posting there for years. I haven't changed much though, I guess.
I had times like "I'd better blog today" or "I know what I'm going to right in blogger" but I never did. Too lazy, too forgetful.
My English is still not so good, I talk extremely little so I began listening to radio to keep up my pronunciation. Gah. "You got 24 correct out of 50 questions, for a score of 48 percent." - on my French beginning test on about.com
The day before yesterday one thought stroke my mind - that I would die soon. It just came back to me after some time, but I was a little bit depressed anyway.
Yesterday I watched the movie called Rushmore about a genius guy which quite impressed me with its power and vitality.
By the way, I'm skipping my only class today. Not because it is not interesting, but just because I don't feel like going. So, that's the way I am. Impressed, but not learning on others' mistakes.
Well, I'd like to fall in love because it seems so much fun to have a boyfriend/gf (haha, I know that these two things are like Taiwan and Switzerland). My friend has so many problems with her bf and I'd like to see if I could manage this kind of relationships. That's just that I don't see any candidates.
Oh, I would not write here if I did not think about my life priorities again. I just thought that getting all A-s is not my priority at University (though I never got them) but to get some experience and skills. And I want to go somewhere far-far away. Oh damn, I don't know what I really want to do in my life. I just don't feel that my higher education is going to be of a much help in my future super-unique life. Gah again. After deliberating the aims for a little time I came to the following list:

1. Read a lot of books both fiction and non-fiction to broaden my knowledge and to train my mind;
   
2. Get rid of the fear of speaking;
3. Improve memory;
4. Strengthen my self-discipline;
5. Deepen my knowledge in English and French;
   

This list is not done, I could add some other points like "find a job/scholarship" or something else.
Gah. I have a bad feeling that these were always my priorities but I never accomplished any of my aim so far.
Time to end this meaningless flow of words. Will go and read something.

My 090909

Whoa - I haven't been writing here for 10 days.
My 9.9.9 was an ordinary day - I didn't even have much thoughts about it.
My English got worse, I realized it this week. Poor spelling and speaking skills frightened me. I'm really into settling an English club now.
Funny, but I feel better now than a year - or even a half year - before. I guess driving makes me more rational or something. And sadly, I feel somehow distracted talking to my old friend.
I'm listening to Eddie Vedder again. I have those times, too.
Since the beginning of the month I've read three novels already (finished Vonnegut, read R. Zelazny's My name is Legion, L. Andreev's Story about 7 hanged men, began 3 rules of robotics by I. Asimov). I feel hunger for books, suppose it will go away soon. I should be reading more in English.
Damn, I want to learn other languages and you know what? Something stops me every time I am full of determination to do that. Last time it was morning and I slept through, the other day I didn't manage to decide what to begin with, which got me into some kind of zetsuboushita. A kanji a day and it will be 365 hieroglyphs a year. 3-4 years and I can read newspapers more or less freely. But damn me.
I still am not feeling good after I got a cold, but it's much better today.
By the way, I bought a dictionary of Law terms which was required for the English class. Crazy stuff, it was so not expensive - it's price was less than publisher's.
Anyway, I'm not watching anything now. Mostly reading both fiction and non-fiction.
Timetable is good for sleeping, bad for studies.
I'll be back.

My First Day of the Second Year

I got up at 0520. Ate what my bro cooked, piece of a birthday cake in addition.
Dad woke up and went out with me to see if the car was all right. It was.
Then I rode off and Dad saw me drive away.
At around 0720 I was parking my car near the house. Parked it quite well.
Went up, opened windows to let fresh air in and watched 1 episode of X-men evo.
Watched out of the window to see how little kids (counting myself a big kid) were running to their schools with parents going behind them.
After that I went to bed and slept for an hour.
Woke up at 1030, realized I forgot to take a white shirt, drank warm water that was left after morning tea-time, washed some clothes and hung them above the rag to let the water drip down to it.
Re-made my hair and didn't get that ideal braid I got in the morning. Btw, three people in university cut their long hair. Too bad. I haven't changed a bit. Maybe more gloomy, though.
I went to the University on feet. Didn't like how I was walking. Kinda embarrassing walk.
I sat on the bench near the Main Building and read some of Slaughterhouse-five. When the guy with such a sweet and pleasant smell of his cigar sat near, my phone rang and Yui came at the same time. The first thing she said was "Let's eat".
I told her some stories about Washington trip. Of course, I forgot the souvenirs at home.
Offtop: listening to the "Animal I have become" I realized how this song does not suit me. Can't control himself, huh?
Back to the day's post. I met my friends, talked to them. Overreacted once. Decided not to buy a student's monthly ticked for train assuming I will spend more money on gas for the car.
Only Yui went to eat pizza with me. My pizza was with pineapple and spam and I liked it.
I went back home feeling lonely. Bought fruits and pasta in local store.
Now I'm going to sleep till tomorrow and then I'll see what the next day brings.

My Two Months in Vain

Hello World! (Just spontaneously wanted to begin this post with that)
No sadness right now. Summer has come to an end. June was not a summer month, it was rather winter time because of all these exams. So, I only count July and August as my summer.
I planned a lot of things to do. To be frank, I did nothing of that. Zero.
Finally, I'll make a new list of things I've actually done (seen etc.) this summer.

• Went to Washington, DC. Liked it. Regret I didn't make dogtags with my name in Air & Space museum. Next time, maybe. I thought the trip would change my life - it didn't change it as much as I thought it would.
  
• Got driving license and learned how to drive to University and back. I'm on my way to being a Bee Train girl.
• Decided to keep Gentoo with KDE 3.5 instead of Kubuntu with KDE 4.2. When KDE 4.3 comes out I may change my mind.
• Watched a few episodes of ST TOS. Not a great accomplishment, ok.
• Read 6 books: A. Green (The shining world), Orwell (1984), M. Grimaud (La ville sans soleil), Salinger (Zooey), Stowe (Uncle Tom's cabin), I. Stone (Lust for life), and a few stories plus finished Murakami book plus began Slaughterhouse-five.
• Thought about life which didn't get me anywhere.
• Watched a few anime shows, re-watched some episodes of Code Geass, Toradora.
  
• Watched a lot of films, some worth watching and others not. Began watching X-Men Evolution, which I used to like when I was a kid.
  

I know this is not much. But it still is something important that happened.
I could have written a lot of things I didn't do during these two months, but it would be too troublesome.

My Fanboyism

~Think twice before you touch my girl~ *la-la-la*
I love this song, found it yesterday while watching fanvids on X-Men. Rogue/Wolverine, of course, which I dig now (as I always had; if they ever acknowledged that pair and made it real in films at least, then X-Men series would have had a success like Twilight had, imho). This song is for Scott/Jean/Logan, though. Damn, I love Logan. He is so cool, manly and independent.
Oh, they can travel in time now and moreover - backwards! Gosh, Mr. Spock was crying. Oh my. Their personalities are so peculiar.
Ok, that sounds more like fangirlism but ftw.
I remember myself watching Honey and Clover for the first time. I'd been watching it for more than a year (if not two full years). That's the way I am: finding things I like and make them last as much as I can manage.
I'm going to my - erm - autumn-winter-spring house. Nah, I'll just go there for a few hours to clean and wash everything. But that's great. Somehow I'm full of energy now. Maybe the reason for it is my fanboyism over X-Men, ST TOS and my memories of everything cool that I've touched in this big world of dreams and illusions.

My Answer

She asked me if I wanted to meet her.
And I said no.
I am afraid of seeing her, the girl who changed my life, the one I love the most.

I was not impressed by the second novel in a row. Maybe my book list is not for me? 56 books left.

My Dessert Dreams

My Dream has a shape of Subaru Impreza WRX STI, 2006 year production. It is blue, the exact Subaru's blue color, with golden wheels. It is not only that I dream of that car. It is the way of life I dream of. The better one.
I am always bragging about my life. I am highly pessimistic when it comes to my abilities etc. I want Subaru, but I also want to earn it.
Once, I wanted to enter the best university in the country, and I'm in. Now I want the good car, my Dad is going buy it for me. Everything's quite perfect. But I feel that it is not the thing I want him to do. I need to feel the price of getting my Dream.
Jumping to another topic -- Some time ago I realised that I do not want to have power. But isn't that strange? Isn't it natural for a person to longe for power over other people, to talk, to make politics and to do that kind of things? Yeah, I know some people are not made for those things. Maybe I am one of them.
I miss my bro. He's got that girl and he lives with her for a few months now. He does not call me frequently. Now everyone's got someone here. And I feel even more alone. But that's ok. I can't imagine myself with someone (though, I can and so this is a lie, but it is a nice lie that makes me feel a little bit better as if I do not have the dreams at night where I am with friends who are being kind to me). I feel that my bro can do much better than he does now. But asking myself again and again I come to the simplest answer: in the end people only do what makes them happy. But do I do what makes me happy? I guess I am...
Living in the world for me seems like eating a pie. And I feel like now I am only eating small parts of it - those, which comes from the sides. And I still have a long way till I will be able to eat some with berries filling. This bite will be sweet and sour at the same time, just like the life is. But I do not know if I will ever try a single berry from this pie. I realise how ignorant, how weak and how tiny I am now before the immense knowledge that the world holds. I want to eat as much of the pie as I can while I'm still alive. Well, I like to enjoy my dessert to its fullest.

My Peak of Splean

Jonathan Swift - "May you live every day of your life."

I like REM. This group is hilarious.
Watched The Sky Crawlers which has a very lonely and desperate story. Mamoru Oshii in all his grace. I failed my plans on the very first day with this anime movie.
Maybe I am really ruining my life. Maybe.
And yet again I know that my pride will not forgive me if I fail driving exam. Never, never. Till the next month, I mean.

My 101th Post

I will not sing. This post is as ordinary as my life is.
I am doing well at my driving classes. Though, I need to do some more tests in the nearest future.
I am sick of anime for now, watched a 24-episodes series and 6 eps of Endless Eight of Haruhi Suzumiya in a row (awesome stuff, but you will understand my feelings if you know what this arc is about).
Well, I was tired yet excited about these 6 eps today, so I tried to talk to my parents about it a little bit. They did not want to listen, of course. I was so naive *nervous laugh* Dad said that I would regret not reading classics now and wasting my time on something stupid. I partly agree. But that is an old talk between me and myself.
From now on I declare that I will watch only Star Trek and read books from my large list. Also I will do exercises because I need some. These are my priorities for the next week at least. Besides driving classes and getting early, I mean.
Mah, summer is almost over...

My Long Way

I am not genius and realizing that you are average is a little bit painful. I guess that's a common courage to live with that thought of your ordinary life, going to metro, despising people around you, still going with crowds of them heading the same way.
I do not enjoy conversations and interactions with people. I can't say I do not feel anything: a little bit of fear and uneasiness. In the latest conversation I even stammered once. Yeah, practice is what I need, but it is also what I don't want. Why talk with people if you do not enjoy that? To kill thoughts about how lonely you are? No way, that makes it even worse. My heart is not beating faster when I meet somebody - even if it does, the only reason for it is fear to speak.
My memory is good either. I read and forget, I forget a lot of things. I do not mean something like meetings or classes, but the ideas, thoughts and facts. My brain is not capable of many things, it is not well-trained, after all.
What I am doing with my life, what I am dreaming about and what I do to make it real - this makes me sad. But I cannot say I am not the person I should be. I do not know what I deserve, who knows that?
Maybe I should do more positive thinking. "Positive something is better than negative nothing" the poster in Jimmy Maguire says, but anyway.
I can do it if I want, but something stops me. I can learn languages, I can be one of the best students, I can have friends and appreciation, I can like myself. I do not, though.
I am changing, I am growing up, but it is still a long way for me to realize something that will help me to become a great person. Still a long way.

My sleepless nights

Not reading much, not thinking much, not doing much, not living much. Not much myself.
Something has been bothering me for a while...

I am desperately lonely.

My Ordinary Life

I've been doing these tests for my driving classes all day. It was like I get up and then it is 6 p.m. already - time to go for classes. I made 1 mistake in each of the test I had to do in class today. Good result for me, comparing to previous tests.
My old school friend is panicking about his entrance exams results - he failed last year. Good luck for him. It is strange, but I do not really care. I mean, I do not wish him evil, that is just not my business any more. I try to cheer him up, though, as I always do.
I am still struggling between sleeping long till noon and waking up early. Can't sleep very well at night because of the cough. Strong stuff, damn it.
Reading a book about slavery in US doesn't give me much thought, maybe because the novel is for younger people, maybe because I have already thought about everything mentioned in the book. It is a moral, kind story, but I long for something more interesting, with some twists and riddles, with strange and unique characters.
But still, I live an ordinary life myself, seeking for something different.

I totally need to do anything (and I mean it - anything) good - like learning Greek before going to Greece. Will think about it.

My End of the World

I have finished the novel by Murakami today, which I'd been reading for more than half a year. I used to come home every weekend and read two chapters. I skipped that from time to time, though.
And the other thing - when I said 'home' I did that with hesitation. I used to come there every weekend but then on Monday I used to come BACK. That felt like returning home from being out at somebody else's house. Now I'm staying at my parents' place. That is strange, but... maybe I am just a little bit homesick.
I decided to watch more movies with Ed Norton. He makes every movie better, more elegant, more beautiful and deeper. I am not certain, but I like his acting, he is good.
Days go by, nothing big really happens. I guess I should blog more to see the small things in my life.

My American Dream

I've been to Washington, DC for a week and now I'm back. I also went to Pennsylvania during the trip, learned how people live in towns, not just in the capital.
Well, It was like living a whole different life for me. Huge experience, a lot of new people, an immense amount of knowledge (of life, of science, of history, yet again of my ignorance etc.)
It was a tourist trip mostly, so here is the list of places, where I've been:

• Smithsonians (Postal Museum, American History, American-Indian, Air & Space, the Castle, Freer and Sackler Galleries, African Art)
  
• Marian Koshland Science Museum (nice people, 2$ fare, two free dvd movies on science)
• National Gallery (Van Gogh has to be seen in real life)
• Holocaust Museum
  
• Daughters of American Revolution Museum
• Library of Congress
• Supreme Court
• Barnes&Noble
• CVS Pharmacy etc. for shopping

I walked around the city a lot, saw different monuments and buildings. Stuff like that.
I didn't like the metro. It was different from all the metros I've seen, gloomier and darker.

I went to the suburbs of Washington to meet the family of Russian immigrants. And the next day left for Pennsylvania, to meet the family of my dad's boss. It was interesting and funny to know the story of a person, whom I've met a week ago. Scott's mother told me a lot of things about him. I stayed at the house of Scott's brother Jeff. Both Scott and his father have a strange sense of humour, kind of black humour.
And I also went to the church twice - for chiken and for service. There was a room for toy trains. Could I imagine that? Nope.
I can write more and more, but I am still under the impression and I try to put everything in their places in my mind. I guess this is so far the best experience I've ever had - knowing the different civilization (according to civilization theory).
Well, I know the difference now: here the aim is to live, in America - to live better.

My Helpfulness

What am I doing?
I got my new phone, which I will not review here, nor will I write about it, but I spent all day with it, trying to discharge battery (successfully).
Now I'm listening to some old folk songs and my chest hurts because they remind me of a certain person, for whom I'm trying my best but it is awkward and weird and I am useless and helpless before that situation. And I am so lost...
What am I doing again? Nothing. Nothing serious, nothing useful, nothing worth, nothing, nothing, nothing.
Re-reading LoTR? Re-watching Nana? Learning Greek or Finnish? Going to the theater? Sewing a hat? Come on, whom I am trying to fool?
I am not improving enough, I am no good when it comes to be reliable, to be honest, to be skillful, to be helpful. Damn it all. What am I supposed to do? How can I get better? All my goals are not worth it, or so I think when it comes to real action. What am I anyway? A superman?
But I know the truth which makes my fingers go cold and my throat full with a disgusting lump.
I am unneeded.

My 300

The day has come. I've been waiting for it. My 300 days at University.
It's not a year, I know, but 300 days are enough to see the impact on somebody's life.
Now I'm going to make a list of things that I've enjoyed/experienced during these 300 days.

1. I got acquainted with a lot of people and (what's more important) talked to a great amount of people, too. I also have some friends now, which is totally fun.
2. I began doing sambo, this is not the greatest thing maybe, but for me it was a huge challenge - both physical and mental.
   
3. I participated in one game of WWW, which was fun, but I dropped it anyway.
4. I failed an exam, which was one of the greatest accomplishments, lol. But anyway, I got a lot of experience going through this. And I mean it.
   
5. I left my home (how could I forget about it) for some other place which can be called 'home' as well. I enjoyed it very much and got vital experience of living alone or almost alone and managing all the things by myself i.e. studying, cooking, shopping, cleaning, washing, sleeping and getting up on my own (or almost).
6. All the exams were challenging, no doubt about that. Some of them were more interesting, but still, as always, I had fun.
   
7. Not getting scholarship was... painful. Though, I know that I did not put enough effort in it. If only I was more self-confident at the time, I would have made it. Anyway, I will try harder and break the system next time.
8. I attended optional courses both semesters, though I backed out in the last semester and did not do an exam for that.
9. I went to the role-playing club once and had some of their training. Haha, that was fun.
   
10. I worked hard, sometimes harder than I had to, but sometimes I slacked off and got hurt in the end. But generally, that was good to experience the year at University.
    
11. I ate a lot of chocolate and caffeine, I swear, I had never had so much of that during my whole previous life. Chocolate bars at University and caffeine during exams, nah. I have to reconsider my diet, alright.
12. I got ill once in every semester. Though, it was not that harsh, I only had high temperature for 3-4 days maximum. I did not skip classes much.
    
13. I was praised for my English. That was great - to feel that you are better than others at something.
14. I went to the students' theater, which was good and I liked it.
15. I never confessed to anyone in 300 days. I don't really know if it suits the list, but anyway, that's true.
16. I wrote some articles for students' council.
    

Overall, I became more mature and stronger physically (I did some push-ups and sambo helped me a lot) and mentally (I got through much strain and struggle during these 300 days and had a lot of problems, most of them solved now).
And that's how my 300 days at University passed. I will never say that it was fast, but I had much more to do and still have a lot of plans and dreams which are yet to be brought to real life.

My immense power

You say we're not responsible
But we are, we are, we are, we are
(c) Ana Johnsson - We are

Yesterday i thought about what I would have done if I had an immense power of any kind. The first thing that came to my mind was that Hollywood-like scene with crashing and falling walls and buildings etc. But I am against destruction - that's totally not the thing to do when you can do so much better. I guess that's what comics have been telling us all the time, huh?

But the thing is... I am weak.

My long depression

I am still sad about my last exam result.
For the last few days I've been thinking that it was pointless - those hours at the library (so, I haven't done anything for the upcoming exam yet). Well, I know that in the end I had fun. I mean I loved the subject, I loved that I had so much work to do on my own, I loved my professor... But now I kinda think that I did not get what I deserved for my hard work and it hurts inside of me whenever I think/read something that reminds me of the subject. I guess I will understand it more when I think about it for some time.
That's kind of strange, but I think I will still do my best next time. Next time...

My Daily Quotes

I have a lot of quotation RSS on my gmail now.
One of them is:

Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.

Sir Winston Churchill

It is just... to think over some time.

My seconds

Second, second. Nice word, dunno what it means though. Just kidding, but I have some moments when I stare at some word or say it a few times in a row and then begin thinking the word is meaningless. Don't you have such moments?
No, no, no. I still don't want anybody to know what I have inside. That's not the reason I am writing the second post.
I just wanted to leave a message for some of you:
THERE IS NO PLACE TO RUN. No one is gonna save you. No one. Don't wait for it. No one will come and I feel that I will not come as well. I am sorry. I am no help. You did not come and save me too.

Or maybe I have to reconsider my policy?..

My lots of thoughts

I won't have my money next semester as well. I am damned >_<
Anyway, I did not get 'Good' and it was my fault, of course.
I just thought a lot of thoughts since I got my mark, but right now I am not in the mood to write about it. I don't know why. Maybe that's just what he said to me - I am proud. And this exam is the only one that had me smile like this - being a little bit happy and a little bit sad.

P.S. His logic sure has some mistakes. Or maybe that's just that I don't get it.

My Hamlet Role

Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. Aristotle

I am sooo lazy. In these 3 days I learned almost nothing. Damn. I'm not gonna make this, am I? All the previous results are nothing compared to this failure. I don't know nothing. AAAA!!!

This is what my panic mode is inside my head. And when it strikes, I wander around the house like Hamlet saying quasi-quotations on how miserable and pointless the life is.

My Noblesse Oblige

I got 'Excellent' at the subject that I failed the previous semester. I got my revenge on her (muahaha). Also, I had a date with the most beautiful girl in my group (I doubt she thought of it so, but I paid for French fries and cola) so I'm kinda happy.
French fries rule X) I've wanted to eat them for a long time. Since watching some Scrubs, I guess.
Argh. Now that I got Good and Excellent I have to get only those marks for these exams. Because I want money ToT

My NOT Watching Scrubs Again

I've finished 1,5 seasons in two (!!!) days and I'm sad because the 3rd season ends not that good and happy.
I'm listening to REM's songs and trying to study for the next exam.
Oh noes - I wished to have some kind of romantic relationship but then I thought about how people get together and how they screw things up and get together with other people and then again with first people and I decided that was not my thing. Actually, I would like to wait for something that will at least be somewhere near my lowest standard level.
Moreover, who the heck do you think I am? I'm afraid to be with someone because I will have to reveal my fears and my weak points to him and that is dangerous - or that's just something I'm afraid of. Yet again I find it more convenient to think that I'm trying to become the best man I can be and then I will be ready to begin a relationship with someone.
But come on, those series are not real.
Erm, sorry, Scrubs is da best

P.S. As far as I remember I have never imagined my wedding when I was a child. I did imagine myself being a spaceship pilot, though. Yeah.

My motivational crisis

I don't like what I do, I still haven't found the way to live my life. I think that I am meant for better but I don't know what it is. I'm always fighting with myself over any thing that I ought to do but I get much less than desirable results.
I hate all this stuff. All the things that I have been telling myself since some time ago were made up out of nothing. They are not working. They never have been, but people liked my lies and were kind of impressed by them.
Now I'm (like I always have) crashing my foolish and totally unrealistic dreams and I know that on the other end of this road of disillusionment is maturity - or so-called maturity.
Well, OK, I'm gonna live this through while I am still alive and then we'll see what comes up next.

My lonesome

I want to have a lot of good friends around the world. I want them to be kind and understanding. I - I just want to be with someone to forget some of my dull thoughts, to enlarge my world and be happy while being with people.

My day of discouragement

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. ~~~ Voltaire

Well, I got my 'Good', not so deserved 'Excellent'. Not a tragedy, really, though I wanted a better mark. Now I know that impossible things exist =)
I was deceived and betrayal is an ugly thing. Always.
My, my, I will not get anything through this. What am I going to do with my whole life when I can't even enlist in a starfleet? Laugh. I can only laugh.

My humiliation

I know I'm kinda guilty of that myself. But being at home with them makes me feel miserable. The comment on my actions so sarcastically that I can't stand it. I hope my sarcasm goes better than theirs. I mean that I try not to insult people, but they don't care.
I want back...

Though, they give me food.

My Exams, Exams, Exams...

Exams, exams, exams, exams. Ok, I will stop swearing.
That's just... I am afraid of failing them and though I do not work for passing them and I'm only afraid. Ahehe.
I was so nervous at Tuesday that my hands were shaking. Nyoroon (c)
I got 3 zachets (of 4) already but only 2 of them are in my zachets' book.
On Wednesday 7 of 21 people in my group got an excellent mark for one subject and I felt frustrated because I could be one of them but I never think about it until it is too late.
Tomorrow is Prof. Polyanski's seminar and I'm going to prepare for it so he won't be disappointed.
Nah, I'm thinking about exams too much and I am too much afraid of them. Tomorrow is Friday already and I still haven't began preparing for exams.
Exams, exams, exams, exams.

My A-ahness

A-ah! Two days gone and spent in vain.
I had a car training and ended with a scratch during the wheels maintenance.
I met my old friend and got distracted by how he did not change a bit while I have changed so much. I guess it is inevitable - my mental growth, that is. I begin to feel power :D
Ok, I forgot to write an article and I don't wanna do it now, so I'll tell some lies tomorrow protecting myself (just kidding). I will surely write it tomorrow as soon as I finish with my University studies.
I looked for some nice scholarships (nothing did fit my desires) in the internet, then went to dA.com and - whoosh! - here I am sitting at my computer at 0.30 a.m.
But I'm still determined to do my best at the exams. I'm just a little bit tired now.
By the way, I did not find my summer skirts in the shelf. Maybe it is not summer yet and they are still somewhere in the southern lands, or should I begin to panic now?

Anyway, Hyvää yötä (おやすみなさい, bonne nuit, guten Nacht etc.)

My determination

Now, that I've come back from the country I am all fired up to begin studying for my exams. I want to pass them all without failing and redoing them in autumn.
Of course, first of all I went to the internet and looked for some tips & info.

1. Why you don't need top marks was the first article I read. I enjoyed it =)
2. How to cram for exams

Well, I also found a Cornell notes method and began using it for my studies right away.

My Hot Days in Spring

Many things happen... I guess.
It is quite hot, but it will end soon as the weather Pythias tell us. I watch some nice anime called Hitohira and feeling fine.
I would like to learn Suomi and go to Finland some time. It would be nice.
Anyway, exams are coming within the 25 days and I have to prepare for the really really good to have a summer free of any studies of law and then I will devote it to myself and my interests and my desires. Muahaha.
*settling off to make a new tada list on summer time

Bye-nee!

My Sore Eyes

I have finished reading 'Bridges of the Madison County' this evening. Talked to my parents of my and only my problems.
I'm thinking about the people I have and will encounter in my life.
Somehow, unwillingly I get more and more attached to people, I am getting soaked into the social life of the faculty through all this writing work and internet projects. And I'm not sure whether I like it or not. I guess I am more frightened by that than irritated.
I suck.

My Successful Day

It was successful because:

1. I went to the library and got my books' cards renewed so I will have those studybooks till 6 June
2. I got 'Excellent' for my course work (in her review she used the word 'сумбур' and I got irritated a little bit because I would spell it like 'сумбурность' at least
   
3. I had too much of prof. Polyanski today and I had to bite my finger not to cry out like a madman =) 'Thank you (short pause) you are not right' _-_ He makes me smile every time I see him because that's just umf~ how he behaves X)

Those are quite important deeds/things for me, so I'm quite happy I had them all on a sunny spring day like this. Also, I think I've encountered beauty today... Daria Napolskih, Mr. Polyanski and the sun looked like an SF astroliner's takeout in the depth of the Universe.

I feel like I'm hungry for books now, so I'm going to finish The Da Vinci Code tonight.
bye-nee!

My trembling hands

My hands are trembling whenever I think about making some decisions that may change my future. And yet again - there are so many opportunities that I am lost and scared.

I wanted to write on what's going on in my life.
Now I have some things to do:
1. finish all the anime that I once began watching (long-termed)
2. prepare for summer exams (long-termed)
3. meet professor and talk over my course work (at once!)
4. sort out my thoughts and feelings about life (long-long-termed)
5. speak up at every seminar (permanent)

And yet I feel like my life is going out of control and I let it be so.
I also thought about why I do not meet people from school - whether it is my fault or it is circumstances or our friendship was not that stable and strong. I guess that is my unwilling to be with people... or something else - you cannot be sure of this.

Now I'll finish my studies of theory (I'm scared to death of the upcoming exam - yet I do not prepare for seminars) and then I'll go to bad.
Bye-nee!

Ignorance vs. Knowledge: Quotes

Ignorance is not innocence but sin.
Robert Browning 1812-89: The Inn Album (1875)
Knowledge is good. It does not have to look good or sound good or even do good. It is good just by being knowledge. And the only thing that makes it knowledge is that it is true. You can't have too much of it and there is no little too little to be worth having.
Tom Stoppard 1937- : The Invention of Love (1997)

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
Mark Twain 1835-1910: letter to Mrs Foote, 2 December 1887

For also knowledge itself is power.
Francis Bacon 1561-1626: Meditationes Sacrae (1597)

If a little knowledge is dangerous, where is the man who has so much as to be out of danger?
T. H. Huxley 1825-95: 'On Elementary Instruction in Physiology' (written 1877)

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.
Nicholas Murray Butler 1862-1947: Commencement address at Columbia University (attributed)

There is no such thing on earth as an uninteresting subject; the only thing that can exist is an uninterested person.
G. K. Chesterton 1874-1936: Heretics (1905)

Now, what I want is, Facts...Facts alone are wanted in life.
Charles Dickens 1812-70: Hard Times (1854) Mr Gradgrind

All experience is an arch to build upon.
Henry Brooks Adams 1838-1918: The Education of Henry Adams (1907)

Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
Pete Seeger 1919- : L. Botts Loose Talk (1980)

A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops.
Henry Brooks Adams 1838-1918: The Education of Henry Adams (1907)

I respect faith but doubt is what gets you an education.
Wilson Mizner 1876-1933: H. L. Mencken A New Dictionary of Quotations (1942)

My craving

I want to watch new anime, I want it right now. Argh!
The next Sunday there will be a new ongoing which I will watch no matter what. But... I want to watch more, I want to see some good old series which I haven't seen yet. But... I know I should not.
I guess I'm tired of working on my course work. But I will finish it today and tomorrow I am going to register it and give it to my curator. Yup, I'm gonna do this! And after that I will relax and watch something good ^^
Quite motivative on the last day, isn't it?

My Linkoln concept

I've been thinking about it for a while and I think I am ready to begin now.
The concept is that you have some good habits that you want to gain. Then you give yourself a week to live with the habit as if you have it already and you focus on it only. The next week goes with another habit etc. When the list of habits ends you begin again, mastering them as much as possible. (though it does not appeal to the Toyota's concept when if you are going to get rid of some bad habit you do that once and forever)
So, I have a few ideas in my mind.
1. get up early
2. prepare for each class
3. speak up at every class
4. read every day
Something like that. I will see if I am really going to try this. Because telling yourself 'it is just for a week' can have different results after a week's time.

My row of posts

Well, as I'm reading an article '10 tips for college students at Steve Pavlina's site I will have to write down all y thoughts right away. Because he gives many.
Ok, now is the time for analyzing my goals for each class. I have 11 of them as of today.
1. Human Salvation - it is just for the mark and nothing more. So I do some sketching and writing at the same time. That appeals to my 2009 year goal - drawing good.
2. Constitutional law. Talking. I would really like talking in the class because there are a lot of interesting stuff in the discussions but I do not participate in them. Need more reading, I guess.
3. National History. just for the mark, I would have said. But it is quite interesting - those ideas I mean.
4. History of National Government and law. Good mark + understanding and knowing the material. Because it is necessary for understanding the following material.
5. History of Foreign Government and Law. Excellent mark. Because damn she failed me in the first exam and I seek for revenge.
6. IT - nothing other than a mark. I am trying to reduce time wasted on that as much as I can.
7. Roman Law - understanding. It will be required later + interest
8. Theory of Government and law. Erm. Speaking? I do not do that at all in the class. So I don't really know. Though I will have to learn everything because those are basis.
9. J. Cleary class. Language + understanding. Nothing more can be gained because it is an optional class.
10. English. *sighes* for the mark.

I want to talk more in classes. I just think that is the purpose to even go to the University- that speaking experience is necessary. And not only speaking with friends but also speak in public.

My reasons for college

Why I am (still) going to college? - that was the question of Steve Pavlina, whom I respect.
So, I want to think about it there. The thing is - this is a difficult question.
1. It is prestigious. Right now I am at a good college and you will not believe me if I say what college it is. But I would like to go to the foreign country to study, because I would like to experience how it is like to be alone in the whole country and have a purpose for it. Language is also important for me. Maybe I am just a linguistic person.
2. Opportunities in future. Come on, lawyers are well-paid.
3. Fun & experience. If it was not for fun, I would not like it this much. And I have friends there and stuff to do. Today I learned how to play poker. Though, it may be not a good thing to play those kind of games, but as for experience - it was totally great.
4. Parents' expectations. I'm trying to meet them. I'm not trying hard enough, I know that and I'm working on it.
5. To Study. I mean I like to learn new things and I like to have harsh times, critical moments etc. I like studying overall.
6. To have time on thinking and improving my life. I guess that it is my time now. Even though I have a lot of things to do as I am trying to be serious about college. But still I have more time for myself than I would have had if I worked.

My trying

Oh yes, weekends came to an end (an hour ago) and I'm trying to write here more - that's it.
I've wrote 1 page of my course work today, watched a movie 'Australia' which I liked because it was not some melodrama and because there was Wolverine and Kidman. Well, I also went to the shop with my parents and we bought (for me) a phone (because it has some problems with its battery), a monitor (nyah, it was their idea), external dvd-rw (nyah-nyah!) I am a little bit embarrassed because they spent money on me...
Well, now I have two weeks to finish my course work and get rid of it. Then, I'll set my next goal - prepairing for the next exams time.
Mah, I want to spend more time on reading and learning languages, but wth I do not? Stupid studying...
I'll go to sleep now.

My monologue

I write here extremely rarely lately (did I use those -ly words correctLY?).
Today I've had a monologue for about half an hour and I talked about my point of view on life and about my heroes. I talked in an empty room - for myself only (maybe some of my neighbors listened, though).
I admire a few fictional characters in my life. They are: Lelouch, Simon from TTGL, Sirano from the play that I've seen this week (played by students of my University - I loved it). There are more, but I will end the list here so that I won't need to explain why and where they are from.
I thought what similar characteristics they do have. And the point that I got was their hero behavior. So I wanted to understand what stands for this 'hero behavior' thing. And I guess that it is the honor to be a man and the respect for yourself plus belief in your own strength.
Then I thought why I admire them at all. And I think that is because I want to be like them. I want to be respected and to be respected by me first of all. I want to be a hero for myself, that is it. That was my main idea tonight.
After that I thought about what I can do to change something in my behavior and life - that is not that interesting because I should think more about that later.
I also touched some delicate problems, which I do not want to write about here (like writing, literature, my ignorance etc.)
My bro is coming soon, so I've got to go now.
One last thing: I am going to try my best to be a hero
bye-nee!

My days off

As I've said many many times before (but I like to say it again to feel as miserable as I can) I lack willpower. I advanced a little bit, though. Because I do not watch anime so much now. Well, there a drawback, too - I do not have enough time spent on English.
I've made up a list about a month ago - a list of 50-smth books which I'd like to read in a year. I'm not moving forward at all.
Anyway, now I spend more time on studies. As I remember it, I realized that I did not get (enough courage) the point of going to school when I was going to finish it. And now there is the same thing at the University - I do not talk and I fear to say something not right. Oh maaan, they just make me feel that if I say something they will murder me right away. But I'm trying, am I not?
And Mr. Polyanski asked me a big question on his seminar last week so I had to go to the blackboard and draw some schemes on it. But I realized I did not understand it right when I read the text at home, so I was kind of not precise right while drawing the scheme. But I loved it - it was more fun than just sitting and listening to others.
On Friday I was almost ready for the sambo competitions but they were cancelled.
Ah, I wrote a little thing and got an idea to draw pictures for it and make something like an art book. That would look nice.
I began reading Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code. His writing is so good that I almost forgot about lectures at the University. I read it on Saturday morning at breakfast.
I still suck at the seminars of History of Foreign Government and Law. Mah, I can't think fast when she asks me, I can't think at all, I guess. Last time she asked me a stupid question but I did not manage to answer it and it was so embarrassing it spoiled the whole day.
And yesterday I searched wikipedia for some stuff and now I want to learn about how to play Go and about Games Theory and about the Universe (lol).

Watashi no Zetsuboushita

I am nothing. I have lost faith in myself.
I don't know how to speak English properly
I make mistakes in Russian
I can't dance
I am in love with my professor
I feel sick being with people because of my low self-appraisal
I am lazy and hesitating
I stopped writing
I can't remember stuff well
I am offended when I do not know/remember something
I eat too much
I do not fulfil my plans
I think unnecessary thoughts
I suck at University
I am afraid to change something and I wake up to the same music for almost a year
I can't draw well
I am jealous of people who do not even care about me much

I've just caused the server to break down with some smoke going out of it and I am in despair. I think that everything I do is pointless and brings only distraction and pain.

My consciousness

I... donno what to say. I feel very uneasy inside.
I just saw 'Tokyo Drift' on TV. And this movie is always so damn inspirational. But now I feel kinda not the way I used to after watching it.
I want to live consciously. I want to be the person someone would admire. I want to be marvellously smart and supa beautiful both inside and outside.
And I hate myself because of my fears. And omh! I should be sleeping by now!
What a person I am!

My inability

My inability to live a life I want to live... somehow scares me.

I 've been thinking about the priorities of my life today. And that's what I came with:

1. Learning which includes studying at the University and getting knowledge in different areas/sciences
2. Health is extremely important and that includes having good habits, too
3. Finding and improving my best and worst skills
4. Having fun
   

And I should mind the place where 'having fun' is now. It is the main thing that will help me to continue with my living. But I just have to keep in mind - my priorities today.

My 60th post

And now I have more posts here than in my previous blog from about a half a year ago.
My freedom-for-15-days is over soon and I wanted to think where did they go. So, I'll make a list, of course.

• I still have all the dust here in my room and it has been here since the time I stopped living in this room and went where it was faster for me to get to University (ok, I'm not quite sure that it is faster but cheaper - yeah)
• I watched a lot of anime but not as much as I could and I did that on purpose. I tried to finish some of the shows that I began some time ago. I began watching something new only once - this show that I've been waiting for
  
• I watched a few films (saw 'Into the Wild' just half an hour ago and my head still hurts a little because this guy was a fool and I cried for him)
• Read a lot of Narnia, tried some fast-reading skills that did not help at all
• Updated my account on dA and I'm quite proud of it, alright
• Went out to my old friend's birthday party
• Now I'm listening to Eddie Vedder - not a great accomplishment but I like his songs. They are somewhat thoughtful
  
• I dropped my habit of doing some exercises on my arms every evening - hope I'll have it again soon because when I have a place to go every day I am a bit more organised
  
• I did not follow my plan, and it was a wonderful plan with such a good things in it like 'read Bible' or 'learn some history'. I failed, ok
• I got a story devoted to myself. I'm kinda happy and I like the story too
• I began learning Spanish and it was cool but hmm I remembered about it just now
• I was lazy and stood up late and slept long through the day
• My granny caught the cold and I went at her place twice and I felt that I was ill after the second visit but then I ate an aspirin and slept for more than 12 hours and I was ok on the following day
• I guess I want to hear people's stories now. I mean real people's lives. But I think I will forget them as soon as I sleep
  
• I thought about life a little. A tiny bit of little thinking. I did not have any deep depression or anything, and my mental state was extremely stable, I should say. We don't count small things here
• I relaxed alone listening to the radio at the other side of this big city I'm living in etc. and it was good
• I don't think that this is all that I wanted to say but I'll finish the post right here.
  

My crappy post

i am bored. I have plenty of things to do, alright. But I am just feeling kind of sad etc.
What I've been doing this week was finishing some animes I began watching and dropped then. Also, I read Narnia and began the forth book. I went to the library once, went for a walk once and went shopping 4 times.
Nah. I don't feel so energetic about going to my old friend's birthday tomorrow evening. But I guess I'll go just because I want to see some new people. I do not like it, though. Mah. It's complicated.
I don't follow my plans thoroughly and that is bad.
Gonna sleep in an hour or so.

My best feasts

I am sitting at my computer with a bowl of self-made vegetarian ramen, noone's around and I'm going to watch anime. What can be better?

My Fears

The more I think about it, the more I understand that my inner fears keep me from doing my best. I am afraid of getting better. For example, I gave up writing for a while now, and I am sure that is not some sort of a 'block' because sometimes I just would sit and write through evening and night going to the 7 a.m. But now I am not and why's that? Because I am afraid that I will not improve. That is ridiculously foolish thoughts.
Coming to understand this, what do I do next? Get down to writing and not fearing anymore?

P.S. I am no good at Spanish yet. But I feel kind of happy as I can understand spoken foreign language quite well.
By the way, today I was in the library and it was fun as I looked through the encyclopaedias for the information on my University work. I can't clearly say that I was having fun, but I think that I had not done any researches on my own (and for myself) for a while.

My Alien under 7

I've been watching this slow-paced series and the main heroine asked the question at the end of the episode: Is there something that important in my life (she was impressed by the Chie's story). So then I thought if there was anything important in my life? I mean besides my memories. I guess that would be my friends and family but that was another question. So... got to think about it.

My Blogging

Yes, I wanted to write something else today so I hesitated a little before pushing 'New Post'.
I've just run through the posts on the page and there was a mistake in every one of them so I tried to correct my inaccuracy.
So then, today I showed my mum my dA page and there was one of my old drawings of sky there. And mum told me that she was not impressed by it with such a disgusted face that I sat in my chair for a while to return to my normal state again. I just can't stand when mum says something like this (and she does frequently). I mean she could have said that I should improve my skills or something. But she did not. I mean why the hell even have people around you so that they will never see that you are trying and appreciate that you do what you love. Why do they not understand if they are your family, huh? I guess I am just a little bit sad and offended.
Now I'm turning back to translating the text in Spanish.

My Miracles

Hooray! I got 'good' for my last exam and I revised everything in a day or so. I am proud of myself, really.
Well, that was 5 days ago. Since then I haven't done much. I'll make a list anyway:

1. I finished 4 anime series (I decided to finish the series I've started and did not manage to watch to the end yet)
2. I listened to a lot of Special D. Come on, this guy is crazy!
3. I talked to Koveras
4. I updated my dA account (today)
5. I started learning Spanish because the anime I want to finish is available with Spanish subs only (today)
6. I started reading Bible, too and read one story

Erm, that's what I mean when I say I want to change my life, huh. Because I do not do things. I become scared when I think about how much time I wasted in my life for nothing. Damn.

My Grass

Well, I am still concerned about the previous exam, but that is not an excuse for watching anime (I finished wonderful Hyakko). I am nervous, of course and I think that I will not be able to learn everything by heart today and I can make a mistake somewhere and he will just smile like he always does and give me that 'bad'. Pfffshhht ~ thinking too much instead of learning.
I use twitter to look at how my learning process is going. Nice stuff.

My mum's advices

are simply good and they make me feel like she's trying to help me achieve something and make my life interesting.
She just told me that it would be good if I went to the Japanese Council and asked to attend one lesson of the group that study Japanese (they do have those for free but you have to apply in summer). She said that I would be able so see sceneries other from what I've seen so far and experience new things.
That is nice, isn't it?

My depressed life

Naaah. Whatever.
Ok, I will write about this, noone is reading this, so it's ok (used 'this' and 'ok' twice which shows my perfect dictionary).
I've been sleepy today as well. If that will go on I will go to sleep eventually and will not wake up some day. Just kidding, I woke up myself today (because I did not set up an alarm intentionally - ой зряя - and woke up around 1 p.m.
My accomplishments today:
- thought about how I hate myself for not doing anything
- re-watched a few episodes of Stellvia just to rise my spirits (didn't help actually)
- tried to sleep for half an hour but my bro's music did not let me and I was too embarrassed to ask him to reduce the volume x_x
- watched two episodes of Hyakko (I can't even watch anime properly, I would have watched it all yesterday if I had taken it more seriously)
- feared everything
- washed dishes (haha, great accomplishment)
- I feel frustrated right now because I want to rely on smth, I want somebody to comfort me instead of comforting others and giving them inspiration. I feel so down asking for other's help and getting it and not being grateful and not accepting it...

One of my Sundays

I just got an idea to write about my day hour-by-hour. So, this Sunday.

0:00 - 1:00 hour (approx.) Read a bit of Ray Bradbury - one story + began a novel
1:00 - 2:30 - surfed the Internet & talked on icq
2:30 - 11:50 - slept
12:00 - 13:00 - breakfast with my brother
13:00 - 15:30 - surfed the Internet, draw a picture of Gen and updated it on dA, talked on icq, watched an episode of Natsume, looked through the list of anime
15:30 - 17:00 - did almost nothing, arranged the questions for the next exam, then put the notes in the notebook, read (omg) 7 pages of the student's book.
17:00 - 17:30 - ate with my mum her voc vegetables and meat which was sooooo good
17:30 - 22:00 - slept, dreamed about harassing friend and woke up with 'I'll be your home' music which plays in the evening to remind me to go to bed
22:00 - 23:00 - watched TV with mum about the guy who built Noah Arc
23:00 - 00:00 - ate pancakes with brother and talked with father about real estate in different countries

And here I am. Life passes just like that, it's strange, isn't it?

My funny thoughts

Every time I have a lot of stuff to learn till tomorrow I think that I will begin learning it earlier for the next exam. Every time.

My current life

Why is my life so screwed up? I don't get it.
I want everything, so why am I not working on it? Motivation is a nonsense created by thinking people. I want to write a book. But I keep thinking - if you can be not writing - do not write, though sometimes I like to force myself.
Mah, if anybody is to be in charge of my life it is only me, right?

Ennui...

...is boredom. I could have never guessed. I donated 100 grains of rice there. I'd like to do it often because it is fun X) Boffin was really scientist, huh...
Well, today I got 'excellent' for my work during the semester so I did not have to take an exam (if only they had said it before I learnt it all. It was fun, though.) I would like to take this exam because I kind of like logics and I find it interesting and entertaining to solve logical problems etc. Ah, and I admire prof. Ivlev because he is so... logical, huh...
Then I spent a lot of time doing nithing and helping others to remember logics and then I went to the library and then home, watched 3 episodes of anime. And that's it. I was surfing the Internet for a while now, so next thing I do is eating with family, then getting rest and then go into the botusai-mode (I went out with my friend yesterday (?) and she reminded me of this botusai thing - it means learning stuff with a lot of effort or something like this - going berserk in other words, though strong determination is not required).
Tadaaan!

Maah!!! I overslept!!!

My failure

Ok, ok, I admit it. I fail. OK. That's not really ok, but anyway.
Something has gone wrong. I mean I did not get it right from the very beginning so now I have a lot of troubles but I promise, I really really really promise (I know you can't say it like that, but... huh) that I'll work even harder the next semester so oh please, my brain, help me pass these exams.
Now I'm done with that weird stuff and I should say that it is even worse than it was during the summer. But now I've just realized how much I changed mentally. I grew up and quite fast, too.
But I got down as well. I am getting what I deserve, of course. And I want to be better (stronger, faster...) but I myself keep me from going further.
I've got tomorrow till the next exam. One day. And I'm gonna do this.

6th

Hahaha, I worked on 5 questions yesterday at night and today I did not even touch my books.
I read my previous blog, where I wrote about entrance examinations and how I worked on entering the University. It was cool and weird to read this stuff. I wrote everyday for a month so now I know the whole process. I can say that I did not change much since that time. Same problems, so no improvement at all. Except I watch more anime that I used to this summer.
I wanted to work on Rome today but instead I watched a lot of anime and did some other stuff.
I am going to sleep now and read my notes on Rome. Hope, that will help.

Bye-nee (I've noticed that I used it in the previous blog at the end of some of the posts - nice, isn't it?).

5th

Ok, I have looked through 16 questions already.
Guess how many questions I worked on today? Yup, None. That is depressing, but what is worse is that I am sleepy all the time from waking up to brushing my teeth in the evening, and I am so sleeepy, that I can just put my head on the arm and dream for 5 minutes until I wake up falling on the book. And my books are big - that saves me.

4 days and 83 questions left.

My third of January

7 days till the first exam, 19 days to the last one.
Yes, I can imagine myself being a good student, but I can't live like that.
Today I:
worked on 1 question,
watched 13 episodes of Library War, which was so awesome that I could not stop.

It is embarrassing, but what should I do to gain more will-power?

That is how it was - my first day of exam preparation.
Yes we can, huh?

Jan 2009 the beginning

As it said there you should make some reports on the things you've done everyday. I'll try that here, though it is not exactly what they meant.
So, today I read a lot of stuff on time management, advice, tips for students etc. I hope that I'll use all this during the month, because I have 4 exams. It is not that they are extremely difficult or that I do not any bit of information that is required, but these are my first exams at the University and I feel uneasiness, because professors kept telling us the whole semester that 1/4 of the students fail their first exams.
I'll try my best, of course, and I will look forward to see if I got any better from the time I took entrance exams to four universities.
Tomorrow the first thing to be done is cleaning up the room as it is all packed with things that got there while I was away. It should take no more than 4 hours.
The second thing is making a plan. And not some crappy plan with things like 'learn the subject' but with one-by-one steps how to achieve the best knowledge on each subject.
Well, I should get some fresh air and relax a bit, because I feel bad now after all these staying-up-all-night holidays.

My fav articles of the day

Here it is: http://calnewport.com/blog/2008/11/25/case-study-how-i-got-the-highest-grade-in-my-discrete-math-class/
It is about how to attend science or math classes but some of the tips can be used on anything.

And another article about what it means to be a student - http://courseware.ee.calpoly.edu/~jbreiten/htbas.html . The basics of being a student according to the article:

• Prioritize your life: Doing well in school should be your top priority.
• Study: There is no substitute.
• Always attend class.
• Do all of the homework and assigned reading.
• Develop self-discipline.
• Manage your time.

The third one is this one. It is actually a list of sites for students.

My 2009 year: plans

Well, if I think of the excitement and the opportunity to change everything inside and outside, I come up with goals that I'd like to achieve during the year of 2009. Here they are:

1. To learn a new language (French would count as I know it on the level 'Bonjour, Je m'appele Xie')
2. To learn a lot of hot stuff. I mean - everything. e.g. being a geek, learning about aircraft and be a pro in time management or web design
   
3. To learn piano or harmonica
   
4. To read a lot of good books that will make me cry or laugh and feel extremely good
5. To become strong and by that I mean to be a winner in all the areas
   
6. To learn how to cook really good (http://www.opensourcefood.com/)
7. To learn a little bit of Zen and get rid of unnecessary stuff
8. To learn stuff about computers, laptops and OSs
9. To become a semi-pro crazy photographer
10. To try out a few cool jobs that do not do anything with libraries and books ('cause I've tried that already)
11. To learn some songs and become a lousy singer (here is an article)
12. To learn how to draw that it will take my friend's breaths away
13. To learn economics basics
    
14. To be able to add something else later
    

My plans

I do not know exactly what one should do to change himself, but the first thing I always do is setting up a plan.