My search

First I thought I was lonely because I did not have people to spend my time with. Now I hang out with friends quite a lot and I'm feeling as lonely as ever.
My cheeks are itching because of tears. I've been standing beside a window in a dark room and thinking sad thoughts.
Maybe that's because I miss him, maybe that's because I liked him, really liked him and not seeing him at least twice a week make me feel lonely? Who am I kidding? This is not the reason, that would have been too simple.
He is far away, he is getting acquainted with new people and what am I doing? Crying over my life which is definitely not like I want it to be?
When I'm telling everybody (mostly to convince myself) that I'll always be 12 years old, I know that at that time I was naively in love for the very first time in my life. I suppose at that time I already wanted to kill myself. I doubt these are the best years of my life. But being a 12-year-old kid was fun: not knowing what a terrible thing this world is, not regretting anything, not yet being this sceptical and critical of others because of your own mistakes, feeling safety.
I'm bragging like an old person, am I? Or saying so makes me look even more self-centred and thus pathetic?
Will I be able to find a few pals with whom I really would like to spend the hours of my life? Or should I just settle down and take people around me as they are, accepting the reality and giving up on dreams?
Am I better all alone? Should I just let it be? Should I believe that someone will save me someday? Or should I throw myself into the world and search?