I am not genius and realizing that you are average is a little bit painful. I guess that's a common courage to live with that thought of your ordinary life, going to metro, despising people around you, still going with crowds of them heading the same way.
I do not enjoy conversations and interactions with people. I can't say I do not feel anything: a little bit of fear and uneasiness. In the latest conversation I even stammered once. Yeah, practice is what I need, but it is also what I don't want. Why talk with people if you do not enjoy that? To kill thoughts about how lonely you are? No way, that makes it even worse. My heart is not beating faster when I meet somebody - even if it does, the only reason for it is fear to speak.
My memory is good either. I read and forget, I forget a lot of things. I do not mean something like meetings or classes, but the ideas, thoughts and facts. My brain is not capable of many things, it is not well-trained, after all.
What I am doing with my life, what I am dreaming about and what I do to make it real - this makes me sad. But I cannot say I am not the person I should be. I do not know what I deserve, who knows that?
Maybe I should do more positive thinking. "Positive something is better than negative nothing" the poster in Jimmy Maguire says, but anyway.
I can do it if I want, but something stops me. I can learn languages, I can be one of the best students, I can have friends and appreciation, I can like myself. I do not, though.
I am changing, I am growing up, but it is still a long way for me to realize something that will help me to become a great person. Still a long way.
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