My Teaspoon Full of Coffee

Mmm, coffee. It's exams time and I have a chance to drink it. Oh, I can even feel my brains getting drained and making salto-mortale and this is only after a teaspoon of coffee. Yes, I know caffeine begins to have an effect only half an hour after the intake - but my brain is agitated already.
Anyway, I've spent a day playing MTG. It turned out 'we cannot prepare for exams together'. Gosh, no one tried, no one hoped, I guess.
We got stuck in the elevator in the evening. Eternal fun. Yup, it was irony (Sheldon's comment implied).
On MTG: I wanted a control deck, The Mighty Quinn, but he wanted to play against a Fish, so we printed proxies of the latter. Nah, I did not know the deck, so it was my defeat, not fast, but still pretty miserable. I guess, the part that I like about MTG is that it has a lot of different cards with cool pictures and "quotes" and some history behind it (I mostly find the background too flat, but sometimes it is fun). Well, I only played thrice in my life and he made a conclusion I didn't like MTG overall.
Nope, I was slightly not caring enough because I've taken twice the dose yesterday. I know that with these pills it's a no-no for me, but it was inevitable for I forgot to take a pill on Saturday (oh, was there a Saturday last week?). So today I felt just like a schoolgirl - my very old me, not caring about anything at all, getting weird ideas and thoughts, without any will to continue a conversation/action/life. Well, that type of me. I am still like that now, that's why I am going to panic tomorrow, after I find out that I am not prepared for the exam which is on Thursday. Oh wow, I thought I didn't have time. Well, tomorrow I have to go to the University, so I'll waste half of the day. I hope coffee will help me today and I'll learn something. I wanted to finish the first book (of two) today. It's quite impossible. 500 pages to read and remember is unbearable even for an intoxicated brain.

My Body Advice

Remember I felt sleepy yesterday? Well, I decided to hit the sack for half an hour and then begin reading for the exam. Yeah... Here I am, I got up at 05.36 a.m. I did not want to believe it, because the last words I said on the phone were 'Nope, I'm not sleeping, I'll get up in 30 minutes'.
I've noticed that lately I've been waking up at half past 5 in the morning whenever I went to bed (something is grammatically wrong with this sentence, isn't it?). I guess, that was my body telling me I should actually come back to the times of my better sleeping pattern. Well, now as I've found my body rhythm I am invincible. But it's raining and on rainy days I always feel sleepy...

My Salvation

He came to me when I was crying. Well, technically I came to him, but that's not important. Maybe it's because I drove a car at night, which calms me in a way, but I tend to think it's because he, like a star from the sky, has fallen into my arms this night. But of course, I've fallen in his.
I want to tell you about how my dreams are coming true. Nope, it's something more than just that. It's always something more, something better when he is around. And it's pretty much impossible for me to be apart from him. Yes, I have my TV series and books but it does not substitute him in my world.
We skipped breakfast and my lunch was at 4.30 p.m.
Where did all the big socks go, I could not find any out there. It is strange. It's not actually strange that I don't have clothes for a guy in the house. Haha. I begin to think that I'm a big girl now, but I'm still such a kid.
Somehow, I feel very tired and sleepy all of a sudden.

My Nothing Special

I'm sitting in my car, the best place to think, getting tired of listening to my R.E.M. disc for the second time. So switching to the radio again.
I am lost in between many things that people are showing me. I am getting interested in MTG, learning stuff about starcraft that I did not know, I started reading a comic my friend told me about. Well, it's like I have nothing that belongs to me. I do not feel myself as something unique and independent any more. I thought that way some time ago. Was I even right to think that?
I'm influenced by everything: my feelings, events around me, I used to empathize and worry about too many things.
Where is my a-kanji-a-day? Does this short story count as a book-a-week?
I know that's what happens when you begin a relationship with a human being, but it still is frustrating. (Maybe I am blaming the relationships now not to be frustrated by myself).
What do I have? I am nothing special if you exclude my craziness and inadequacy.
When he is not around I fell the same I felt before, I know that. I am afraid of people, nervous around new ones, running away from challenges etc.
It's just a sad, sad evening, I guess. But I won't cry. No.

P.S. Mah, I'm crying.

Our Morning

How can a person be so handsome and loveable? I can't get it, really.
With a little lie created mostly by me (yup, low morality and high quality of logics and imagination and, as we mentioned those, I'm superb overall), executed by him, resulted in us spending the night together. Nothing funny implied. I slept pretty badly but it was marvelous to wake up and see his face just in front of me.
Ah, by the way, I got an excellent mark for my first exam. It's a pity that my friend got just 'good' but I suppose she'll do better than me later. I actually spent little time preparing for the exam but my work during these two years paid me back. It's full of bathos, but it's true. I am kind of sure that everything is going to be alright. I guess I should blame him for this, because everything related to him gives me strength and love - everything you need for success (I don't want to think that hatred can give you something genuinely good).
We discussed the past, mostly this time, this and that. And events from around the 7th of April, which are not covered in this blog.
Now, while he's at the doctor's, I'll clean up the room a little bit and start thinking about the next exam, which is on the 3rd of June.
It is still cold outside, no sight of 'sharp change from cold to heat'. It is brighter though. Or is it just from my perspective on this shiny happy morning?

My Self-Control

The title is full of irony.
Kissing him passionately instead of learning texts for tomorrow I thought that I slowly drive myself to the edge. So, when I fall I will fall hard and end up in deadly frustration. Oh, it seems so artificial to write this, actually.
Well, it is the time for me to show myself the strength that I have, the willpower, the capacity of my brain and intense will to succeed.
I finally finished the book from the past week. Huuuh, it sucks.
The exam is in 15 hours. I have lots of time. I have all the time I need. I have a time machine! (nope, I do not)...
Anyway I am happy and calm and strong and smart and I will have it all.

My First Kiss

I've realized that I'm writing here mostly on days when I see my beloved one.
Oh, wow. I've just gone to wash my face and actually continued this post in my head. I guess, I should write it before I do something else this morning.
I'm writing about yesterday because on 25th I was exceptionally tired. I've spent 6 hours with my friends talking about how much they drunk at school plus they played a few MTG games. I tried to read my essays for the exam, which is tomorrow. Pretty much FAIL, obviously. I had to leave my car at the Uni because of the severe traffic jam. In the evening we spent more time together. I suppose I should not let him stay so late, but I've always let myself do what I wanted and watched the consequences. So...
He makes quite the same jokes that my bro has been doing for years, so I even cried a little (hope he didn't see that). He does that differently but it still is very offending. I am touchy after all. Well, who isn't.
My tickling does not work on him, which makes me sad.
Ghm, we kissed for the first time. Oh my, I loved that *hysteric laugh* That's everything that goes to the title. But it is the biggest event for me.
Do my posts become more and more romantic and intimate? I will try not to write like that any more. But that what makes my, well, everything right now.
Erm, I guess I should really concentrate on my exams.
Huh, I dreamed of Starcraft game tonight. I wonder why... It surely was not my best experience of the day. Or did we spent more time talking about the game than anything else?
And I want to make a confession. I did not finish reading the book the previous week.
I'm changing so much in so little time that I can feel the old me staying behind, becoming some sort of a frightening creature. It is crawling inside of me, growing and gaining strength to come out at the most unpredictable moment to destroy everything and tell me that it would have been better if I had been alone. I can pretty much feel that. But screw it, I want to become stronger than that creature can ever be. And I know I can for I have the power of my heart and self-confidence through people near me.
I want to write more because yesterday was fun and I though a lot, but I really have to go and learn something for tomorrow after I'm done with the house chores.

My Q-Zar Round

I've been invited to the first birthday party in 1,5 years. And it was awesome, of course.
Can you believe I've made so many acquaintances in a day:
1 starcraft guy
2 medics
1 architect.
Whohoo! I'm proud of myself.

My Happy Nose

My nose is happy. I am too, but not as much. Just kidding.
No more verbs about the day.
2 zachots (idiocy within). completed coursepaper. pack of paper. favorite cake. no dreams about future and a whole lot of skepticism. starcraft and anime jokes. lots of exploration and investigation. sleep and wakefulness (what a word!). too much laughing and tickle. late hours.
And I'm still not talking. Damn me (I am saying damn 15x times more this week). Words and thoughts should be said. That's what they are for [mostly].
But still it is extremely good. It's way tooo gooood and I like that. Feeling more alive that way.
Now I am too sleepy to write anything else. Will go to bed and read because I have to. Will wake up early tomorrow. Really will.

P.S. No, not because I have to - because I want to.

My Hands Lock and Morality

Once my superstitious school teacher of history said in class that your hands indicate what part of brain is dominating - the way you put them in the lock (finger after finger from one hand then another, you know that 'pose'). So, just for fun without really thinking about the consequences I decided to change the way I put my hands in lock. Now my thumb of the left hand is on the top though before the right one was.
I am not sure that what my teacher said was right (I actually doubt it, never heard of scientifically proven facts on the matter) but after that somewhere inside I realized that a man can change anything in himself - from such small things, that seemed natural for him from the time he learned how to lock his hands, to much bigger things (i.e. the brain, if the theory of the teacher was right).
It's just one of the lessons I learned.
And sometimes the thought comes to my mind: I want to change my life. Well, I definitely have everything I need for that - I have myself and my willpower.
And yet another thing I understood lately (mostly after I read my bro's paper) that I'm young and inexperienced in many things and I'm still getting used to myself. So, what I am doing now is making acquaintance with myself, knowing my powers and my weak sides. And I'm setting those things myself: I give me goals/tasks/todos and wait for the results. What I'm trying to say is you can only know yourself through doing things, not sitting and thinking about life (that was taken from Goethe) and more than that you have an ultimate responsibility before yourself. When you upset yourself with the outcome, your self-esteem goes down, you won't believe in your strength, you will set easier tasks because you won't expect much of yourself anymore. Thinking about that stuff is slightly mingboggling.
And recently (after I spoke with granny and parents about my bf - for quite a long time) I've started to pay attention to the development of the society. How much things changed since my parents were like me. I was born in the world after the sexual revolution, after the 1990-s events in Russia, after the Internet was introduced. I was growing up in the world of freedom in everything - thoughts, mass media, information, relationships, government actions etc. I am really surprised how I become who I am with all these prejudices over smoking, drinking, making out in public... I guess my parents gave me that through upbringing. But still my morality differs from theirs. Some things seem sound to me, reasonable and normal while they think of them as unacceptable and vice versa. Maybe it's only me against the whole world thinking the other way (oh, noes) but I like to shift it on the society (with Eddie Vedder on my mind). Indeed, I feel a little bit like its crazy breed.

My Sambo Attack

This is the tribute to my sambo classes.
First, how I got there. I actually wrote in the survey that I want to have chess or big tennis as my PE. Ok, a friend of mine told me sambo would be cool as well. I've put it there after my first choices. You can guess what happened next.
Second, the competitions. I've participated in one only. I lost. Been avoiding them since then. Regret it.
Third, the strength. Well, not only the strength of my body, but my reaction has also improved. Plus now I can at least try to hurt the person, who'll want to hurt me. Beside the sport aspect, it was about self-defense, too.
Fourth, the experience. It was fun, it hurt, I suffocated once and could not stop the tears after that. Well, sambo surely was one of the things that made my character.
Fifth, the trainer. He is da man. I'll never forget his enthusiasm and inspirational speeches and humorous remarks and everything else. I am really grateful.
That's it. That's what two years of sambo was for me.
Of course, I will forget how we skipped the classes of sambo to eat in the canteen or just skipped them because had something else to do. I will forget my bruises. I will forget, and have already forgotten something else that might have been there... But that's what a human is. He is meant to forget.
I have got zachot for sambo today. Yay.

My Duty

I do have problems with talking to people. And it's quite critical. But it's not that I'm dumb or I do not want to talk. I actually want to say all kind of things. I want to let people know what I think, what I feel and the fact that I care for them and that I'm sincerely interested in them. I know I can't talk for a long time, but I should at least make people around me feel good, not awkward and making guesses while I'm keeping silence.
I think of my online pets much less than I used to.
I guess my hysteria was so meaningless and embarrassing that I think very low of myself. And I'm still pending forgiveness. Well, I deserve it, do I? Do I?..
I have realized (with the help of others) that any thought you have will influence the relationship. Doubts will ruin it, silence will make it end, thoughts about past will just eliminate any possibility of it.
Here is what I was trying to write about in this post. Before I thought that if I ever had a bf/gf I would have fallen in love with him/her and would have done anything to make him/her happy. It turned out to be slightly not the way I thought it would be. But I have to remember what was stated by me for it was good and seemed right. To have a duty before your beloved is a must. It's not that it's just a duty, it is something real. It is something I can do and want to do. So, screw you, irrational prejudices. I'm in love and nothing else matters.

My Genius Brother

I would have liked to talk to my brother when he was around my age. 5-6 years ago, second year of the University - that's when you get the most absurdly genius ideas. I know he has been doing great stuff since his childhood, but his student years are what I'm interested in. I really want to dig time travel.
I've just read his work for English class. And I realized that I don't know my brother. At all. What I saw was such a humble glimpse on his world, on his Universe, that I had shivers on my back, while reading his writings.
Looking back, I don't really know what he was doing all along. He tried to give me something, but, I guess, I was like a shut shell (and I still am). I never understood, never believed, was astonished and envied his genius.
Well, have I lost my chance to know him? Can I still do something to change this?
I remember him sitting beside his computer, being nervous and excited over things I never got. Will he ever find a person, who'll understand him and be an ultimate soulmate? I wish he will. If he needs that, alright. But who does not?

My Smoking Matter

Ok, just to ease my mind.
Daaamn.
I remember every time she smoke in front of me. I remember what, when and why she smoke. I guess I fell in love with her before she gained that awful habit, so the only thing I could do was shut my mouth and stop thinking about that.
And still it's unfair. A lot of time passed since that time. I had to get over my feelings to another person because of that habit.
It feels like a friend deceived me for not telling me about the habit of smoking.
Well, it's not a big deal for most of people, but daaamn. It's an established chain of things for me: smoking, drinking, using drugs and getting laid with anyone. I do not do any of that. Well, I drink from time to time, never getting drunk, and so rarely and in so small amounts that I think it's ok, but feel that it is not right anyway.
As a retrospective person, I look back and think about the time I could make a choice. Yeah, my life would have been totally different by now. I am really unsure in what way, but 'funky' is the adjective that comes on my mind.
Aha, I slept though the day of course and did not cry, so I'm staying late tonight to study and hop - now I'm pondering over smoking and whether I can tolerate it or not. That's what comes when you get into relationship with humans. Damn. The funny thing is that the moment I heard about this I thought 'that's the end of it' and felt very very calm at last, after a long excitement and worrying. Would that be really stupid to give up on the guy whom you really like because of that? Well, I don't think it would. It's just that it's too late. Now he knows too much (muahaha). And now the only thing left for me is to get over it, shut my mouth and stop thinking about that.

My Love Songs

Suddenly love songs make sense.
I'm feeling that I'm acting stupid. Is there any established pattern of talking to your lover? Are there things you can't say to him/her? Hm. I should read more romantic stories, I guess.
I've been cleaning the house today, washed the windows, floor and did some other stuff like that. Do not want to get down to work yet.
I've really caught a cold and I'm slightly coughing, nose is running mildly and my neck hurts. I assume I should pay more attention to open windows at home and in a car. I let myself sleep today.
Well, my reason for procrastination changed but I still can't find the power and enough enthusiasm to prepare for upcoming test and seminars.
It feels like losing myself because I think of completely different things now compared to things I thought before. They are more positive, but still they are awkward and from time to time I feel embarrassed because they are in my head.
Maybe - just maybe - I should talk more to people and blog less because yesterday my old friend helped me when I was feeling down (Thank you! =) ).

My Frozen Pizza Wednesday

My sadness in progress, tears stopping only for a movie (Death in Venice for philosophy class on Saturday), TBBT episodes (two), songs (by Scorpions and Placebo), sleep (slept a lot) and for classes.
Now I have a test on economics this Friday, damn my group.
Some points of the week's plan are done (reading a book-a-week and watching the movie), but the most important one is not even touched yet - my second coursepaper.
Ah, I decided not to go to doctor because of the lack of time (that's a very good reason, right?).
My hands were shaking this morning and I cut my hair a little bit more than expected. Now it is strange to touch them because they were longer.
I want my free mtg deck but I am unsure of the color. Hurm...
Oh, and I am free of one of my coursepapers now (I hope so).
As I did not work on my 2nd work for Uni now I think that I'm the one who's weak, because the guy has just finished writing his diploma.
Yeah, I am coughing because of the draughts which were chasing me all day.
It's still very lonely.

My Mighty Mind

Since last post I haven't dropped the thought that I did not change much.
Yes, I ended up crying at the end of the day.
I've been trying to change my life for two years, but I do not see any improvement. So what that I get up earlier? I'm still the same old me, driving myself crazy, longing to meet the bitter end.
When I'm looking in the mirror, I don't like what I see.
During these years there was not a thing I want to remember, because pretty much everything ended in frustration and misery.
Why does my mind keep me from improving? Is it even doing this or is it something else? Then what else there is? I'm not sure if my theory of a Mighty Mind is true, but if my mind is the reason then what does it want? Is it keeping me safe from something out there in the world? Is it extraterrestrial control or am I going slightly mad and paranoid?
Yeah, now I feel pretty bad.
I'm still the same, and this makes me sad and desperate.

My Old Self

What I'm doing here is actually writing my life. And it's good because this way I do not forget.
And still I forget. What was I before I met the guy, what was I a week ago? I actually can not remember that because now there is another person who makes my life so much broader in every (im)possible way.
But I am still my old self, there are the same fears, dreams, interests.
I had severe problems of loneliness and now I'm so used to being with another human being that it hurts when he is not around. I guess I'm doing something wrong with my mind again. Oh, or is it my body? Well, he is not even a girl... Huh. I am turning into irrational monster. I thought it would have been good for me, but now I doubt it. I can't set myself still, I can't calm down and I'm on fire in the very simplest way there is.
I'm feeling filthily human. And kind of disgusted of myself.
I guess that's because of new things I'm starting to feel and discover. I am unsure whether I like it or not. But it surely keeps me from normal old way of functioning. It keeps me from thinking the way I thought before. It also keeps distracting me from my work and studies. And I still need to form my mind the way it will analyze my present state and reestablish its grounds and restructure its systems so I can live less chaotic.
And yes, I went to the MTG competition yesterday and saw amazing decks and games and it was an awesome day but here I am now - hectic and restless.

My Last Doctor

I've finished watching 'The End of Time' today. So, this is quite the end for my Doctor Who era. It was fantastic, to be honest. He taught me many many things. I'll probably make a big pause before watching the new series of DW or won't watch it at all because

1. No Devid Tennant. I was not that big fan of his, Eccleston was the best, but the new one is oddly unlikable.
   
2. No Russel T Davies. That means no more Capt. Harkness as well (they won't dare, will they?). And I do not believe they will have marvelous stories anymore despite the fact that they still have other writers (and some of them were gooood).

Oh, he came back in time to see her. The blond girl of utter honesty and love and passion.
And I wept for him, because he did not want to go and because of many other reasons.
If I had that reaction now, what will happen if someone more dear to me (there are people like that) goes? I try not to think. I guess I let myself be soft there and I wasn't that emotionally prepared, though I knew that all along. Anyway, that's how it is - how it was.
And here I am.
Tomorrow I'm going to my first MTG competition.

My Special Needs

I've been listening to Placebo a lot lately.
Now - the race to tell everything before I forget...
I'm getting too attached but it is scary only when he is not around.
I've caught a cold somewhere *sneezes twice* and he has a sore throat. I won't see him at least 3 days. He wants to cut his hair.
I bought my first mtg booster today. My friend was right when (more than a month ago) he said that he would look at them when he was sad and he would get better. Works for me too.
I want to stop eating and I want to cry.
I want to tell him how I don't want to let him go - over and over again.
I'm getting used to him touching me now. Everything is fine.
But...
What's keeping me from flying? It feels just as if in the past I was a flyer and now I've lost my wings. And I can hear my heart whispering to me, but I can't catch the words.
Today in class I've said that I want to live long and change the world. And prof. Goloborodko told me she'll be waiting for me to call for her. But I don't have a plan how to change the world yet. I don't see me becoming a lawyer for that anyway. But becoming a writer - yes.
This month resulted in me being more open to people. I can't be alone anymore and I long for chatting and being around guys and girls. But I can feel that they are kind of different from me as if they do not belong to my world and neither do I belong to theirs.
That's what is bothering me. How do I change the world full of people whom I will never understand and whom I do not see from the inside because they are rusted from the outside, acting strange and superficial.

My Doubtful Relationship

Right now I should be preparing for my English class but here I am - typing the next post in this blog. And why am I doing this instead of that?
Because I'm full of doubts. It feels like I'm still making a huge mistake, like I'm not ready to be with someone etc, etc. I do not get strength and courage from a relationship, I get doubt and fear. Will this totally negative experience change and everything will become much better? Oh, doubt again.
Do I even like the guy or is it just a need for a person? I don't know, I saw Her in my dreams again. This girl, whom I got just a glimpse through the window, it made me look for her for the rest of my dream. And how I wanted to see more of her. Why now? Who knows?
If I knew what I wanted from my life, would I be here? Would I have begun this relationship?
I had a deja-vu the day before yesterday and I remembered that at the time I had to be with another person. It's surely just my mind playing tricks but it does it for some reason, doesn't it?
I am afraid that it all was just because of a pure accident and my will to push myself into a relationship. Damn me, how I hate this part of my personality - rush and light-headedness (OK, there is no such word in the dictionary but whatever).
After not writing him for 4 days I realized that I was so tired of waiting I didn't even want to see him. But because he does not touch me much it is a way easier for me to doubt the relationship.
Still, it is fun to know another person, who is different in everything. Though, I doubt he will ever become my soulmate and I - his.
Ah, such a crappy post about this intimate experience. But this is an honest blog of a girlish student, I can't do anything about the established statements.

My Stupid Game

I've always been slightly an idiot but that is going beyond the limits. Why be so playfully stubborn - I don't even understand myself.
Because of that my weekends were not that good. But as I didn't write him (didn't manage to use the damn site, too), I'm more or less the same - irritated of being with parents and computers damaging my calmness by not working properly (one of my HDDs is dead again). Well, I hope he will forgive me. And oh, I want to touch the human being, which is pretty strange for me.
It's early in the morning. I will go home later than always today, because it is a holiday. Law students do study, though.