My Something Special

Today I have found out that one of my classmates (we did not graduate at the same schools, though) gave birth to a child. And I thought that it was cool, because there is something so very special between these two. They are real family now.

I just want something special, too. I have not felt this in a while and I miss it.

I guess I want to date someone.

And, well, I have thought that my friends spoiled me - now I think that guys who don't play MTG are not that interesting. This is hell...

Actually, I have a list of features in a person, which are totally turn-ons for me:

• mtg, yeah! (not always, though)
  
• physics
• ability to whistle melodies
• red hair
• open-mindedness
  
• hats/vests/shirts and jackets

Of course, there is much more. But these are the first to come to mind.

Now I have to live with this monster. It looks at me from the mirror with these red eyes with different pupils.

Remember the song 'My body is a cage' by Peter Gabriel? I think the movie will be awesome!

My Beautiful Space and Time Travel

Today we (Yui and me) went to the Planetarium to see the stars. Oh, it was so beautiful and joyful, that I felt utterly happy. I would have liked to share this happiness with my friends and family. I hope I will share it with them anyway, because such things stay inside, you are obliged to never let them go anywhere.

Last evening I got the strangest compliment of my life - I've been told that I am warm. At first I thought it was creepy - something that a maniac would tell his victim. The real meaning is still unknown.

I started writing some SF space saga, but I have to think about the world and whether or not there will be AI etc. It's hard to decide all this at once and the world seems to be not solid if not thought-through.

There was a storm with lightning and heavy rain tonight. We ate sushi at that time. Too much sushi for me this week. Though, they are never quite enough. This week I've spent like half of the money (or more) that I used to spend during the whole month two years ago.

About time travel. There was this side of a plot in the book by R. Bach (plus, it is a common concept, but who cares) that asked the reader of what he would have told himself at a certain moment of his life. Like when he was 20 or 40? Yeah. Before I have thought that I don't have anything to say myself, because I did not make any serious mistakes (well, except eating that cheesecake and drinking that juice, or something...). But now I know what I would have liked to tell myself at the age of 17. Embrace your life and opportunities. I will not say what have led me to this thought, because it can become a regret based on a non-existent possibility in the past, which is unhealthy. But this one advice, if taken seriously, would have changed my life dramatically. At least, I will try to follow it now and live my life to the fullest. Actually, I can not imagine my life in a few years. Months - yes, but not years. Together with the fact that my pupils differ in size, this comprises my latest little fear.

But it's alright. I feel happy. Everything's fine. Noone has told me that I am not loved this week.

My Foul Ways

Just what am I doing with my life?

I can pretend that this is alright. That I am honest in this situation - I am in love and everything that happens is to his conscience. But that's not true. We are both acting in a foul way.

I do not regret anything that was between us. But this should not have lasted - not like this.

It becomes worse each time, I cry and he suffers. But we do this over and over again. And this should stop, because this is not the way things go between a boy and a girl.

He promised me to be a good boy and control himself. I am going to help him with that.

Now I am more convinced that what we have will not evolve into a good thing. At the very least it will take a great deal of effort. And I am not sure that I am willing to give my everything for that, not anymore. Not when I think he does not want it too.

Once I asked him to be only mine, and he actually broke up with his gf. But seeing him not care for me breaks my heart. He does not have deep feelings for me, that is obvious. C'est la vie, I should have told myself long ago and moved on. But the possibility of us being together drags me back. And this is sad and painful.

We both think that we could have never been a part of such situation. And yet here we are, doing things we did not think we were capable of, lowering our moral values and becoming someone we don't want to be. And this should stop.

My Head Injury

Last Saturday I had my first head trauma.

In my life I've never broken a bone and did not have any serious physical damage. Although, once I had a severe allergic reaction and once I fell into a human-height hole in the floor. But nothing other than that, I really care for my body because I was raised like that by my parents and it's deep inside my philosophy.

So, last Saturday I had food poisoning, which led, due to the additional influence of a foul environment around me at the time, to my faint. I fell on the tiled floor and hit my head. The fall was much smoother because of my dad's intrusion - he grabbed my shoulder.

I did not break anything, but doctors were unsure of my state and proposed an intense medical care at the hospital. We declined this. And it seems that we were right. I did not have symptoms of a concussion. Days have passed and I feel perfectly fine.

During the 15 seconds (as my dad declared) for which I passed out I saw a dream. And a lot of time has passed in it, so I had to concentrate on reality for a while when I regained consciousness. I don't remember clearly what I saw. There were people, who cared - that's what I felt. It was a good dream.

Well, I have changed some of my plans after this Saturday.

The first change goes like this: never ever do anything that will cause additional damage to your body and especially to the brain. Anything can happen without your participation or intent and it can be enough to kill you. So, I will not drink or smoke or put myself in dangerous situations. Because I plan to live forever and I should try to preserve my brain before I will be able to preserve my consciousness in some other way.

The second concerns the previous post. If I die tomorrow I want to be in love with someone - not trying to kill this beautiful thing inside of me. The latter sounds kind of stupid, really. It was unwise to meddle with my own feelings in this way.

My Anger Phase

I have entered the anger phase.

Why the hell our relationship did not work? Damn him and me and these stupid feelings. I hate all this.

Yesterday I was weak. I have learned that he is ill and went to him with tea and a sweet roll. I like to care about people. But damn it.

I want to be like him, actually - knowing a lot of people who can come to your place in the evening. Yeah, I am not loved like that even by this small circle of friends I have. And that's sad.

I told him about my plan and - oh noes - he did not have any objections. Well, of course, I am not hoping for it to work out, because something always happens at the last moment. But erm... It's settled until then.

Anyhow, it went pretty well yesterday. Yes, I still have feelings (and I'm so angrrry) but they are ok. I can control them.

Damn it, damn, damn, damn.

And I won at Jackal board game.

My Cruel Games

How in the world can you make a person care about you?

How does 'falling in love' work?

And why why why am I not loved?

No, I'm fine. I'm doing perfectly well, actually. Like it does not matter and all the plans that I was thinking through yesterday are just a small step back.

Even though I am a needy person, I don't need him. I don't want to be with him anymore. Right?

My love drama is tiring. I could have waited much longer, but friends keep telling me that the amount of time that he needs to break up with his gf is unknown. And I am so tired of this hoping and screwing my mind and playing with my feelings. So, this is my last game. Now I am going to win against myself. The stakes are unknown yet. The prize is undeclared. I do not have a character of a gambler, my excitement ends with pain. But still, I guess I am a strong player. It's just I have to remember that my opponent is strong, too.

But really, we are idiots. How I wanted it to be simple at the very beginning. He should have said a clear 'No' and I should not have bothered him. And yet it was so dazzlingly beautiful that sometimes I think that it was worth all the pain and is worth all the future pain, too. Yes, I am mistaken. Or I might be, at least.

The things I think and stuff I do seems so miserable and unnecessary. And it surely does not lead to my happiness. And the best option for me right now is to stay strong and forget about all the good times we had together, and how I dressed for him every Thursday, and our talk at my first draft (which keeps coming to my mind again and again). And the most destructible thing - thinking about what I could have done differently and what could have happened if I did other choices in the past.

My Blabber

Yesterday I thought it would be harder to live like that. Today I know that it's hard. But I am doing just fine.

I'm typing from work, because in the evening I went to my parents' place as I had to retrieve some spare parts for the shower (I got mine broken the other day). I had almost no internet (a few videos of Muse from mobile does not count) as my computer there has this NFS error. I am still remembering what to do with it, but I am sure that this is not a good stuff. I should buy additional hard discs...

Anyhow, today I am going to the cinema with a girl. I hope we will get the tickets for this new Harry Potter film. Plus, going to the cinema with her simply ROCKS, so I'm happy for myself.

He wrote me an sms today. Totally an emergency one, so I replied. Nothing personal. I guess he knows what I'm going through. And it's good that he respects this.

Today I think about the time we have spent together more than yesterday. I'm remembering some scenes, like deem light from the window as the morning slowly comes and holding hands in McD... And I should not think about it.

Oh, should I give him time to realize and see everything that we can be? Hell no, no, no. Though, I feel like falling apart. I was fighting for something that never existed and the chances of it to appear were low. But hope, being a silly thing, is a strong thing at the same time.

All this blabber gets on my nerves, actually. All these thoughts and feelings are stressful and unneeded. I get it, I should let go. And yes, it hurts. And I will be alright. This is the lesson I should learn at this moment of my life. It will make me stronger. I will overcome my doubts and fears. I will understand what is worth believing in and what is not. It'll make me a wiser person.

I don't think that this is the time I start building walls around myself. I guess the later it happens the better. Openness is something I cherish, for it helped me to get over the depression many times before. I like telling my story to people, as you can see. Though, I don't really feel like talking about this, because it upsets me.

I do not intend to bore anyone with my life drama. I'm writing all this here to ease my mind, so I will lighten my burdens and feel better.

My Panic Attack

I've had a thing that I call 'a panic attack' today. I have not had them in a year or so, I guess.

Yes, the reason is an unrequired love - or the remains of it. Trying to kill it every day for a month from the both sides is kind of effective. I decided that it would be better to finish it off as soon as possible. It will be better for him and me.

I started re-reading 'The Bridge Across Forever' by Richard Bach. I am remembering some fragments of the plot, but don't remember the main story to the fullest. The thing is - this novel is about the idea of 'the One'.

He does not love me, that is obvious. Still, I was (and wanted to be) blind. Because hope is so tempting and warming, that I did not want to let go. And I've promised and said things that I wish everybody heard once in his/her life. I have never said them, neither have I felt like this before. Loving a person the way he is - that's something so beautiful and heartbreaking, that I'm crying while typing this. It is a misfortune to kill these feelings and it is an unbearable pain to keep them.

I realize that the way things are around me right now is not the way I want them to be. I lowered my moral principles and thought that it was worth it. But people come and go, and I stay before my own judgement.

Yes, I don't want to be alone. But even less do I want to lose myself.

Starting tomorrow I will not see him or talk to him (except in emergency or utter necessity) before I am sure that I have no romantic feelings for him. And I will set my mind on positive thinking. And I will do the impossible and be the invincible.