My Brighter Life

Wow, have those days really passed? There were very few things I remember from 3 previous days. My work makes me feel as if I'm getting dumber, because I sit in a haze and am so sleepy I can fall off the chair straight into the dreams. It's just that my common sense vanishes and I act like a damaged robot all these 9 hours I spend in the building. I think of what I could have done in this amount of time and I realize that there are so many things I want to do.
This work does not have a meaning for me. No, it actually does: to gain experience, to learn legal stuff... But there is nothing behind it.
Anyway, I have realized yet the other thing about myself: I can't make my life happier. It's just that I won't smile to my parents, won't say something nice to people around me. That does not make the world brighter, but I can't do anything about it - I can't convince myself open my mouth and say 'hooray, I'm eating my mum's stuff and it's so tasty I can munch it forever' (my mum does not cook much lately, but whatever). I might be slightly exaggerating things. But you got the idea.
Today I have a wedding to attend. So, I have to prepare for it a little bit.

My Office Dreams

Today I've realized that my dreams became more down to earth. I assume that's because I spent all my time sitting in the cold office while it is awfully hot outside or driving my car and I rarely look up at the sky (actually I do this 3 times a day on the average).
So, my lowest dreams include marrying a guy with big salary, who'll be able to take care of me and our children. I will just sit at home bringing up his sons and daughters, writing a novel with no end and spending time on being a perfect wife. Yeah...

'So, you haven't spent a night at the office yet?'
Nope, I have not. I actually am very bored at work because of lack of tasks. And that federal law on bankruptcy makes me doze off once I read a word from it. *yawns even remembering the thing*

I've caught myself on the thought that I want this practice to end already. Damn too boring and roads are damn too full of cars.

Tomorrow I will definitely skip lunch because (my belly is growing larger) I want to eat sushi in the evening, so I have to be hungry and with money.

My One Birthday Party

Erm. I'm not sure what I want to write here tonight. I actually feel pretty tired after this weekend. I've been waiting for it and now it's come and passed. I don't think it was that good. But I am never quite satisfied with anything, I guess.
I am slightly irritated, very sad (mb too sad because I've started watching Moon movie), offended and disappointed. Well, yeah.
The most distracting thing was realizing that people eventually find out that you are lucky and clever and they actually do everything to make you lose. Not because they want something for themselves. But because they do not want you to win. I have always wanted to see some good in people, believe in their honesty and now I'm taken aback by what I've seen in this stupid childish game.
The second sad thing I've realized is that I do not fit in. There were lots of people at the party and I did not find a single person who'd understand me. Oh damn, why people are so selfish and dense, why don't they want to listen to me. It was so damn lonely there.
I did some stupid things, too. Like kissing someone I should not have. And staying for the night was definitely a mistake.
I don't feel right about all of this. Because it makes me think I don't fit in anywhere. There is somewhere we belong, isn't there? That's what some songs have been telling me. Well, I've found out I had not found it yet.

He liked my present. He thought I've asked my bf on what he prefers, but, you know, liking a person presumes that you know him as well as you can you can get to know him when he's always seeing someone else and not you. Ah, my broken heart will never be mended. But I know I do not really want what my heart longs for.

Tomorrow the new week begins and I'll be all alone for a while. My beloved leaves for 3 weeks (and damn him for preferring talking with ugly girls instead of being with me last night - that's what offended me the most).

Anyway, I want to think I'm strong enough to be on my own.

My Time

Tracking my working time (we have to submit at least 8 hours per day - which is exactly what I have in my entries from day to day) I have realized one important thing.

My time has a price.

My whole life I've been waiting for something to give me understanding of this, I guess. Now I have to cherish the thought and come to even greater understanding of the matter. And thereafter I should value my time.

My Beginning of Summer Practice

My summer practice began this Monday.
So far we (10 students) had a lot of new stuff to remember - mostly how to use programs which were developed for the company. But we had other trainings too - communication skills and even stress management.
I'm not that good in socializing - I do not talk much to people around me. But man... Well, I did a good job in that area - better than before anyway.
I like the practice. During these two days I've already learned a lot of useful things. So I'm happy to be there.
Today we had time to get acquainted to our mentors. It turned out that my mentor is working somewhere else and will be back on Friday. Now the guy I was communicating with by e-mail before the practice is my mentor for these three days. He gave me a task already: to prepare legislation on a certain matter for him and a copy of it for another attorney.
I was taken aback by the attention I got, when I asked workers about something. I have never got that attention at home or anywhere else. They make you feel as if you are the most important person in the world during the time they speak to you and you speak to them. It is amazing. I'd like to have that quality in myself.

My Marvellous Sunday

Ehem. I'm cheating a little bit - I'm posting it on Tuesday, actually. So, it will be brief.
The day was chaotic. Totally. I've done a lot of things that I liked:

1. ate voq (that stuff fried in a special fry pan which looks more like a pot)
2. watched the Sorcerer's Apprentice - best film of the month so far (especially after Avatar the Airbender)
3. spent time with my beloved (ah, he lay on me knees in the park)
   

Things that I did not like about the day were:

1. my bf teased me all the day, saying stupid things and that hurt me badly, I told him to change his policy of showing his feelings through what he says
2. buying new shoes because mine collapsed (they were not that comfortable)
   
3. listening to unnecessary information - that led me to walking on foot to my bro's place and that was a long way

I spent the whole evening driving home because I got lost in this big city and did not know how it all works and it works differently every time. So I came home late and proud of myself (really).
I did not get into the details, but that was my wonderful day full of great events either bad or good - which does not actually matter.

My Barefoot Day

Yup, I was barefoot almost all day. Exception was for trying new shoes.
I wore my sneakers without socks (I do that a lot lately), I wore summer shoes without socks, too.
I even drove barefoot (which was so weird but cool and I liked the feeling).
So, well, yeah (the most meaningful sentence in the whole blog).
We registered the car today (almost - did not bring one document with us, so dad will go tomorrow, too). It was a very hot day, by the way.
Went shopping to Auchan, and I was at the wheel 'cause dad drank beer at home (duh) and drank beer at the mall (it was his dream for a while).
I bought some presents for the upcoming birthday - it eased my mind because I was worrying about this exact present for months. Oh, I hope he'll like it. Should I make him a card or should I not? Hrm.
Anyway, now I have some new things to wear for work.
I've been thinking about priorities for the rest of my summer and decided to leave it like this:

1. internship at B&M (I will do my best there, 'cause it is the greatest opportunity I've had so far)
2. friends (I am going to be at that birthday party and I will meet my bf at least once a week)
3. reading (I know I won't read these 20 books - I still haven't finished a point in the list but I should read some non-related to work stuff, I hope I'll manage)
4. blogging etc. (yeah...)

That's it for now. I so want tomorrow late morning to come sooner because I have a date! A date, yahooo! Erm. Really. It's stunning.

My Reception

I went to the reception party tonight at B&M.
Wow, it feels like my life has just began - it's the real start of my career.
I've asked names of everyone in this program, but did not manage to clarify who exactly is my mentor. Anyway, talked a lot to the guy who is a specialist in commercial contracts.
It was pretty cool.
What I understood today is that if you want to work there, you'll have to forget about your other life - everything you do you do it for the company and your clients. 'Whoah' - I thought.
I'm the youngest student in the program (this year at least). I am a legend already.
Well, yeah. We'll see if I can manage things like this. In the end, I love challenges like writing two coursepapers. And I actually want to know what's it like to work in the international law firm. Plus I want to learn as much as I can and I know I will do that. Because I am not alone.
Hm, that last sentence was like a revelation. It's so good to know there's someone for you, who'll send you something like 'don't you worry, I love you' and you'll feel so much better and so empowered. But I was nervous anyway.
This is it - my last weekend of summer is going to be busy.

My 200th and New Blog

Well, 200th post today. Finally - I've been waiting for this day. I actually got an idea just this instance that I can celebrate days like this one with a cake (oh me, sweets-lover). I do not have a cake, though.
But today is a special blog day for me, because I've set up a new one. Here it is: http://inspiredbyxiena.blogspot.com/.
I know, this is not the best name, but you can only get this because everything else with 'insp' in it was already taken. Anyway, I have big plans for that blog, I will customize it a little bit later - create a picture for it, add something else. Well, this kind of stuff.
I'm actually planning to create a site. I'm unsure of the content yet. But I want to, well, explore and contribute to the chaos of the Internet. And I have another great idea for the blog, but I'm still thinking about how I should start it and what I should write there.
Nevertheless, today I finally got all the papers filed into the court (I don't feel right about this, but let's hope for the best). I actually got frustrated and irritated by the court system in this (damn) country. They do not dispense justice out there, they do something else. My main purpose in this life is to help people, not to torture them or make them pitiful. That's why I will never really appreciate how some people do their work at government/social service area. Oh my, people, you should care for each other or else you are so alone.
The world for me now is kind of hot-iced. Hot because of the weather, which almost killed me today, so I stayed at home all day after I came back in the morning. Ice-cold because the hot water was cut off and it's either very cold or very hot (we use the heating system during this time of the year, which actually makes the water too hot).
I re-watched Star Trek 11. I do that with some geeky frequency. And oh, you should have heard the sounds I have been making while watching it. Ehem. Maybe I should just watch the original series already. And squeal over that instead of obvious awesomeness of JJ Abrams and modern special effects. Too late, anyway.
Tomorrow I will go to the party at my work to get acquainted with mentors (who are they?) and other students in this program. By the way, I'm thinking about getting summer vacation in this blog and create a new one especially for the time I will be in the B&M program, or should I write about that here? Well, I'm still thinking about it.
Yeah, and I'm going to try this old technique that never worked for me next week. It's when you set a day of the week themed by something. For example, Monday is for reading SF, Tuesday is for series/movies, Wednesday is for reading fiction/non-fiction, Thursday is for going out, Friday is for blogging and writing. Hm, I like that already.
I should start to get back to 2200-0530, too. Because I risk oversleeping or being sleepy or some other stuff connected to that might happen.

My Daymare Town 3

I just love Daymare Town games by M. Skutnik. And I've finished the third one today. I actually went out of the city in a day. It wasn't that hard, I thought I will spend the rest of the evening on that. But whoah, this atmosphere totally astonishes me. I will go through the game again, because I'm sure there is much more in it than I have seen today. For instance, what those numbers were for? Hm, maybe I will re-play all the games of Daymare Town and see if I remember anything.
I've finished the 4th book of HGttG and began reading the last book. I guess, I'll read some of the Dirk's adventures in the autumn (already dreaming about it - both autumn and reading more Adams).
I went to the dentist today, and she said everything's quite alright. I came back home in a bad mood. There are several reasons for that:
1) I don't like when people make me feel pitiful and they do;
2) I don't like people overall and there were a lot today, cause I had to go by metro;
3) this damned heat and no hot water to have a shower makes me feel disgusted;
4) so, I come to a conclusion that I don't like my life right now and want to change it.
Muahaha! Yeah, play your MTG games, play your lego... Erm, no I'm not good at acting as an evil hero. I feel pitiful at the moments like this. I feel not needed by anyone including myself. Naaah, who'd want a moving depression on two legs (a.k.a. me)? I would not.
Well, er... I still have a lot of things to do and haven't done much of them today. Will improve the stategy tomorrow. And will surely wake up earlier.

My Lego

Never had Lego when I was a kid. Is it that strange and pitiful? Well, I had other toys...
Anyway, I've received an answer today and I got a place in this summer program. It is awesome. I went to the Uni to get some papers (which were never there in the first place), still have some documents to provide.
Had non-alcohol Mohito and ate some sushi, felt bad about this 'cause I planned to do that another time. It was rather tasty, though. Thought about how my bf talked me out of buying sweets (that marmalade stuff you can buy at big shops).
Saw 'Despicable me', which was cute and nice.
Mum suggested me not telling my bf that I've spent the day with my friend, but what the heck? I'll tell him everything. If there is anything I'll lie to him about or decide not to tell him then it will be the end (for me at least). Because that's what I'm building here - the relationship of trust. And people around me can do anything they want, but I will continue doing what I feel is right. Well, now I know he does not like it very much when somebody spends more time with me than he does. I'll think of something, I promise.
As I will be really busy next 6 weeks, I want to do everything I should do this summer during this week. And I have a lot of stuff. And it is quite serious business like going to doctor + take care of my tooth, register a car (which I don't even know how to do), finish reading HGttG, set up blogs, do stuff around the house. My oh my. And they are going to cut off the hot water. Yup, no rest till the end of summer.

My M11

Today I've been to the pre-release of MTG M11. It was fun. We played together in 2 Head Giants. We lost 4 times. Won nothing. But it was cool to have my first festival and competition and everything. From time to time I felt tired of all those talks about cards, though. Now I have some more MTG stuff at home (one more angel from foil booster pack of Shards of Alara, M11 promo card - Sun Titan, 3 pretty strange d20s, some swamps for Yui). Oh my, now I want moar foil cards.
After a while we dropped out and went to eat and see a movie. Huh, pizza with seafood was pretty good. And I should never eat at McD again. Wait, haven't I said that some time ago? Yup, I have... We saw Avatar the Airbender in 3D. I hate watching movies in 3D. I don't enjoy them as much as I do enjoy good old flat screen.
Well, some things I should really make a list of in one of my notebooks (or any other ultimate planner):
a) cook sushi sometime in autumn;
b) get free M11 deck (WU, cause I want that);
c) buy clothes for the upcoming birthday.

A Few Things About Me

1. I can encourage people. There was that guy at the shop - he was selling cars. Somehow people believe me and tell me their stories. I wish them all the good and nothing bad, after all. I guess, people can feel it. Anyway, that guy told me everything - about his birthplace, jobs he had since 14 years old, his family, his ambitions etc. And I actually told him to go on and try to pursue his dream and there it was - something in his eyes that still makes me utterly happy and excited to know I did something good to him. Because it felt like he had all the courage and determination and will and oh it felt good.
2. I am not shy. At least not when I'm with my bf. I want to touch and kiss him all the time. Well, you know. And I realized that a few months ago the problem actually was not me being shy, but me being unable to touch people. As far as I remember I felt a little bit of disgust when people touched me, so I tried not to touch them and did not let them touch me. Especially people whom I liked, because I did not want to feel those things for them. Anyway, I am not sure for others (somehow I came to disliking mother's caress) but I certainly have no such problem with that exact guy, with whom I'm spending so much time now.
3. I like paper. All my desk is cluttered with piles of paper/postcards/boxes/small notebooks/cool advertisement etc etc. I just feel good seeing all this paper around me. I feel calm.

My First Interview

I have applied for a student program at Baker & McKenzie and had an interview today. Test for 90 minutes (translation of legal texts) and conversation after that. I've finished the test in 90 minutes exactly (phew, I thought I might not be ready in time, but it was OK in the end). Well, and it was not that scary after all. I have realized that English is like magic or mind-control: employers like it when you know the language. And I was praised for my English, now I can be kind of proud of it for a while. They'll call on Monday.
Today I've been in Starbucks for the first time, too. I have come an hour early (yeah, I know I should pay more attention to amount of time for road). I did not think Starbucks was that expensive. And I guess there is not a damn thing without coffee there. My frappucino with caramel smelled like coffee, or did the guy not hear my 'something without coffee, cold and sweet'. Anyway, it was like an hour of winter on this hot summer day.
It is strange but I have suddenly started to think of my bf as my fiancé. Well, it's all because of lack of handsome men in my life recently *nervous laugh* And I don't really think of marrying him now or anything. I can't even think about it right now, because I'm nothing without the Uni diploma and master degree. Puff, what am I talking about!?
By the way, I plan to go to Europe this autumn. 'Cause I want to.

My Hateful Day

Yup, the post is about today.
Today I:

1. took back a book which one guy from school borrowed from me a long time ago (the last book of Harry Potter) and he convinced me not to run in the nearby forest because of crazy people and other dangers;
   
2. realized I can't make any small decision (smaller that buying a car or agreeing for an interview) - and I mean it. I could not even decide where to go and whether or not I want to drink cola;
3. got that call from Baker&McKenzie for the interview this Friday. Oh, I want to get in. I'm not sure if it's OK to ask them about this program I have an opportunity to get into... 'cause I can't ask my parents if that's OK... Anyway, I'm happy, nervous and will try my best;
   
4. had an argument with parents about staying overnight at his place. They did not let me - I had to go home, now I'm not talking to them, because a) I am pretty sure they won't listen and b) I can't speak;
5. cried in the metro for the second time in my life. It was stress and heat and a lot of people around and it all came to me like sometimes last year, when I could not control myself much. Well, it's not something to be proud of, I'm actually very ashamed. Last time was on that day (it's also Day 22), if you are interested;
6. thought about hatred as a motivation. Does not work for me, I guess. At least it should not. In my world there is no place for hatred, disrespect, lies, disbelief etc.;
7. did not like my body at all, skipped dinner, but ate at Burger King at lunch;
8. found old music to listen in the evening (Linkin Park to settle my mind to its right place plus OST for Spider Man 2, Il Nino and stuff like that);
9. got disappointed in a few things: my parents' policy, my inability to fight and his love for MTG.

Yeah, I'm all depressed and beaten and lying on the ground in the dirt and cannot get up.
I just can't understand why people around are so unsupportive. I am trying my best, I have so many problems of my own, why try to make me bleed deeper and harder? I am still crying, actually. Because I am weak, my policy is 'shut up, try to cry while people do not see you and eliminate every possible social contact'. I am weak and I almost hated three blood-related persons today.

My Chocolate Sweets vs Sadness

Oh, it was so simple and calm without anyone to love. No one told you you are an idiot to spend your time on nothing, no one tried to convince you that your beloved is an idiot as well. Moreover there was no beloved one to make you sad, only yourself to do that. (At this very point I unpacked a box of choco sweets and ate one immediately - the thing in the throat went away for a minute)
It's not that I want to be selfish or anything. I try not to. But it makes me think in a tragic way of my 'right now' life. (I ate another chocolate - this time with caramel inside) Just because yesterday he told me he would be free the day he got his diploma I thought he would spend this day with me (well, he suggested that in the first place). But the day was moved to the next one (which is tomorrow) and he sent me a message that he would be busy. And I made some magnificent plans of how I'd be with him already, oh foolish me.
So, yeah, the only way to settle this problem is to say something stupid and go to bed before you start crying. (After this sentence my eyes became watery and the image of the outer world pretty hazy.
It's up to me to decide whether to revenge this day on him and come up with some busy stuff for Wednesday, when we actually can be together or let it go.
I know I will be sad tomorrow as well and will yearn to be with him all day. Knowing that he chose drinking alcohol with his friends over the time during which he could be with me will be slowly killing me tomorrow. And this is it.
And this post did not help me much to calm down and stop being depressed over the matter. And since last weekend (he met with my parents and granny) things became kind of complicated (in my head at least). Why can't it be simple like... like peas?
Anyway, my bro is here. And I'm going to talk to him for a while.

My Plans for the Summer

I don't have high expectations for this summer (not anymore). I just want to make something cool, to learn new stuff, to see different things, to think about everything that will come to my mind. I can't see the bigger picture right now, but that's what I've come up with by now:

1. blog (I plan to set up new blogs - one photo blog for sure)
2. lead healthier life (more sports and walking)
   
3. write new stories for fun
4. read as much as possible (and I am starting to get bored from time to time - I have a lot of books to read during these two months!)
5. learn a language
   

Well, that's it. I know that they are not clear and detailed, but I tried to make it both realistic and ambitious.
I want to have fun and be around people I care about. And I'm slightly upset when he chooses MTG over me. I can't be serious about this, and I can't be angry at him. But it saddens me. I'd better think less about that guy. Because we obviously won't see each other much. Yeah...
Anyhoo, this weekend I'm going to the countryside. Well, my family and my beloved one, too. I'm afraid this is getting pretty serious for us - meeting my parents and granny. I hope everything will be alright. My family is not that monstrous as one can think.

My Ubuntu 10.4

Hey now, I upgraded to new Ubunchu yesterday. Realizing there was that bug when pdf files printed out smaller than they should - well, that was the last drop in the cup of my decision. I have a divine fear for changing systems at my computers. But it wasn't that bad after all. So, next time I'll be ready to go for Ubuntu + KDE 4. Maybe. Ehem.
Now it's morning, I didn't manage to wake up earlier again, because I could not sleep last night. I suppose that's because of the movies that I'm watching (Twilight is scary for its inadequacy and bad logic).
I've printed proxies for Quinn, the deck I've wanted to play all along. Now I have the deck, but not the player.
A lot of stuff to do today, so I'm off to my routine morning things: watching GG, eating breakfast and doing some home shores instead of preparing for the meeting.
Anyhoo, I long for the first free day of summer already. I want to have a full hot summer day all to myself. Aaah~