My Graduation

Hoooray for my last post here!

I am not a student anymore as I graduated from the Moscow State University yesterday. My average mark turned out to be much better than I had expected - it's 4.5 out of 5.

The ceremony was ridiculously hot and unorganized, I knew that graduation day is something you would have to endure and survive. It was still better than I expected and it was over quite soon.

My friend came to cheer on me, which was superb (sadly, now I am at work and can't be there for her second graduation ceremony). Otherwise I would have been devastated at how little people I know among my fellow students. Anyway, Moscow is big and chances are I am not going to see anybody from my student years any more. Except for close friends, of course, as I intend to keep them close.

And then I had a wonderful evening with my parents at 'Golden Brains' building on the 22nd floor with marvelous view on the city.

I am not sure that I can make any chart of my experiences during student years. I just grew up. I started working early, so last 3 years of university were blurred with constant worries about work. Although, I can never know what could have happened if I decided not to pursue this career. I am happy I did, because it made me independent and I have some savings which I can use for myself (like quite spontaneously going for a few weeks to visit a friend in the US).

My personal life was not successful in terms of solid relationship. And I know that I can blame my work but in reality I should blame myself. I could have made enough time for that. I did not want to do that, apparently. I did have some random fun, sometimes going way past my moral limits.

Yesterday morning I had a brief panic dedicated completely to me wasting and failing my previous 5 years. In the end, I did not change the world and though I am much stronger now, I still have (rare) mental breakdowns when there are a lot of people around me and it's noisy and I loose it completely and just uncontrollably sob in front of everyone. I am still overcritical towards myself, I grew to become judgmental towards others, and I think that blogging about this is kind of lame.

I had a lot of expectations for past 5 years and I would not say that they are fulfilled. I did not write a book and overall my writing tremendously dropped in volume. I stopped watching anime somewhere in the second year and now I watch tv shows instead. My English benefited from this habit much more than my Japanese did from anime, though. And then yes, I can’t help mentioning it - I did not learn French! It's Achilles's heel for me. I also gained about 5 kilos in 5 years despite my shallow efforts.

Then again, I have great expectations for my future. I have no idea where I will be in a year and a half due to my plan to get Masters degree at UCL. My parents are completely against me following my passion for arts and writing, so I had to choose to continue legal education and now they are not content with my course choices of environmental law and intellectual property. I seriously do not know what I am going to do with my life. But I know I want to do something great and meaningful or at least be happy. And I will be "chasing a starlight" so-to-say, i.e. either try to convince my current love interest that I am worth it or look for something incredible. Because if not I would rather stay alone than with someone who does not know that "I, Robot" was a book before it was a movie.

I know I have to change myself according to what I want to be. But I have mastered the mantra of "I am what I am" because it got me through the bad times. And I have my feelings rule my world and my love became something to hold on to on times when you can't go on anymore. It's quite preposterous to talk about that knowing what I can do and what I have done already. And yet you start to understand that people can not hurt you, not really - because you hurt yourself much worse and much deeper.

So, this is the end of my student life era. Whether it was good or not so good, it was my life. And whatever happened or did not happen during these years I will have to live with it. The realization of reality of your life and that you can't change your past and choices is scary and yet it is so beautiful that you know what made you the way you are now. And somehow you understand you are able to shape your future. 

I am concerned that I could have changed the world and I have lost the opportunity. What will follow is stupid, so beware.

I have applied to 10 universities in Britain. And none in the USA. The reason is that I would have applied and hoped to go to Denver. I still feel caught in these stupid emotions of affection and care and every time I tried to reach out to the person whom I promised that I would bend the universe so we could be together - he just politely turned me down. And I got tired of this. Though I could try - and I believe I would have succeeded. Now I will go another path and secretly hope that he will sometime try to reach out and ask me of the same thing. I also hope that I will say yes and encourage him. Though I am aware that the year from now I will not be the same person. And knowing me and my present state, I will probably change completely. 

My Superheroes

So, I've graduated. No more university for the next few months. And I'm going to continue legal studies. I am actually pretty excited for that. I do not think about 'the reason' that much now. Money rule the world. I should not think about my selfish dreams anyway. Pointless. I am a lawyer with no limit of working hours and no particular limit of future salary.

Yesterday I've watched Iron Man 3 and got upset and confused. Tony Stark is my hero. I am happy for him and his not-so-canon girlfriend. But the movie was too unreal for me and it was like the end for the story of Tony Stark and his Iron Man. And then the latest issue of Haywkeye did not have a lot of Clint. And he was too distracted. I just hope that ST 12 does not disappoint me.

I had to wait for a friend for more than 40 minutes in the metro today. I am not so good at waiting lately. I got irritated and sad because I thought all over again how I am always the one that is waiting and feeling worthless. And we went to the memorial museum of astronautics and she kept asking questions like why the heck governments spend so much money on cosmos tech. I just wanted to hit something really hard with my broken umbrella (and still do actually). 

And I feel hungry and tired and it's raining and my feet are still uncomfortably wet.

So duh.

My Higher Education: final chapter

I am having my final exams at the university. Less than a month and I will not be a student anymore. I do have this standard anxiety and worry about my future. But I am not afraid I won't find a job or will have a low salary. I am afraid I will continue to live my life in misery and won't change the world.

I've been thinking about what I got from my higher education. And looking back over these past years I get the impression that I tried to avoid doing much for the classes. I have quite successfully obtained a skill of evading work and procrastinating. And now I find myself with all these thoughts of what I would like to do and I think that I can achieve anything if I only try. Yet for the past years I have trained myself to not try harder no matter what. So yeah. What should I do with myself now?

To be continued...

My Night Worth Waiting For

Well tonight was the night which is totally worth waiting for through all this sh*t that comes before and after. The night to remember and live for.

I went to the Irish fest in Moscow for the movie called 'Good vibrations'. And it was brilliant. However, Terry turned out to be an old wanker and a drunk who could not answer questions properly. But anyway, I had like an outburst of good emotions.

I went there with my now-ex-bf (huh how many more). And it was a good thing to break up with him 'cause hell there are lots of people out there.

While waiting for him, I drank coffee and wrote a piece - like a beginning of some novel or something shorter - don't know yet. So, writing is No. 1 reason for awesomeness of the night.

There were people in there and somehow I started to feel good lately, so I was curious and attentive to them. It is a so interesting to watch people around you. They are hilarious.

Then the movie would be No.3. It was about Belfast and revolution and music and life. A good movie. I recommend.

No.4 would be people again. Beautiful creatures. I smelled some nice whiskey and sipped out of the glass of one of the boys who stood next to me (looked like an Irish man, turned out to be a perfect Russian). And whiskey turned out to be not so good. I prefer Jameson anyway. Well, I have tried Jack last week and it was good, too. Anyway. So I chatted with Vik outside and we walked there and back again. And then he left and I was still heating my car, so it turned out that way but I decided to give a lift to that guy from whose glass I sipped whiskey. And now I know I have like a gazillion questions to him, but I was startled at all his stories how he went to see the same movie the night before and it was a disaster because the image blacked out a few times. And how he went to the bar during the movie and chatted to the director of the movie not even knowing who he was. I left him at the metro only to miss my turn a minute later. His name was Ilya.

Well, what I mean is that people are brilliant and good. And I would like to meet some new ones 'cause I am a hunter and I am looking for your bloody hearts to rip them out and leave you behind. Just kidding. Love you all.

My Good and Bad Days

I look like s**t today. Apparently, this is what young folks look like these days as I was denied the right to buy booze (ale with 4,2% - who even makes ale so light?). It is funny, though. Because despite my recurring teenage angst I feel pretty old and tired already.

Someday it will all be over and done anyway.

I have good days and bad days. According to the program on my phone I have around 25% bad days. That's like a fourth of my life sucks. And it is not just 'not a good day', because I mark those as good ones, but utterly bad days with crying and sighing and trying to avoid all kind of positivity.

I can't even do anything with myself at days like this. Today I decided that sun and walking would help me feel better. It got worse after that.

This constant fight with sadness and loneliness and shame and shyness and nervousness. So many people feel this, too. What's wrong with me and this world? Why do I try to live on the bright side and fail at that time after time? I get involved with people who strangely find me attractive and I hurt them. And I hurt myself even more because I know my weak points.

I still cry over my first love which was stupid and a decade ago. I cry over everything and everyone. It just piles up. 

What I want to know is how do I live? I don't want to hurt others and yet I want good things for myself. And they have always been kind of connected with pain. Do I have a right to exist if what I mostly do is adding up sadness to this world?

My Sunlit Office

Today is the day before the 8th of March, which is apparently the Women's New Year in Russia.

I got flowers at work. Flowers in the pot sucked water like 30 thirsty crewmen after cross-ocean trip on a ship. And then tulips - small but elegant.

I asked my mentor, Max, to give me reference for further studying. He did not even think of refusing, which is nice and yet again proves that I think too little of myself.

Then I tried to reestablish relationship with my fellow colleague who kinda cracked recently and stopped talking to me, slouching all moody past my table. I've spent one hour and a half in his office today. I'm sure he's nuts. But in a good way. He said he was depressed lately, but did not go deeper as 'we are not that close'. I sent him 21 articles on happiness from Marc and Angel site. Hope it helps.

And then I was a little bit late to meet Yarik at John Bull's pub (English cosy place). I grabbed my things, rushed out of the office, opened the door to the lift hall and was momentarily blinded by the bright sun light. I had to almost close my eyes and I smiled a little as that was beautiful and unexpected. I got a glimpse of a person waiting for lift to arrive and he smiled looking at me squinting in the sun. And then it was gone - I walked further, turned my back to the clear sky, he stopped smiling immediately and we did not share a word while going down side by side.

Well, if I could relive this moment I would smile at him, too. And wish him a good weekend. So I will smile at strangers. I used to do this much more. Or I think I did. Anyway, I read a lot of articles on how to be happy. Beware my roaring according to self-help experience of people from other countries.

My Naked Boy

Last week I stayed over at friend's place after gaming party. I did not play, but thoroughly consulted a person who was not that much accustomed with Star Craft Brood War game. I was quite afraid that my skills are "rusty" in SC after not playing for years. Fear in minor things is my main obstacle of having genuine fun with people as my latest experience with learning to skate showed.

I have slept for a few hours that night. I had to leave early in the morning to submit my urine for analysis (showed v. high sugar, by the way). Also, a few other people tried to get up at the same time, so my leaving happened to be at the moment of awakeness for at least half of those who stayed over.

One of the boys (geek, Doctor Who fan, considerably crazy, uses Ubuntu, i.e. falling-for-him/constant UST material) slept on the floor naked, under the blanket and everything. But still. He ran in the underwear around the flat a few times after waking up for his Chinese class. In the underwear… I was embarrassed as hell and had to put palm over my eyes and then he came up to say goodbye and hug me. As I had a new handmade brimmed hat with brim falling over my eyes all the time, I could only see a big scar going across his stomach.

My Positive Book

I have this project with putting all positive things like thoughts and memories in one book so I will have it as a guide and reference for how to be happy when I feel sad. And I made a book with a lot of colorful pages. I started filling the book but then I stopped because I don't know what else to write there. Now I worry that I have little fond and happy memories. I worry too much.

My Love Letter

I've sent a love letter to a friend and it was a mistake. But my summertime romance gives me hope and comfort as if I have something good in my life. No that did not come right. The truth is I can't move on. I have feelings for a person I might not see ever again. It makes me cry in the pillow before sleep and despise any possible relationship with anyone else.

I picked up unserious learning of Japanese again. Though I should concentrate more on my thesis and work right now.

I worry about my future. I have contract at work till April. I hope I will get fired but that means I will have less money for the next year. Free summer is tempting, though. And I actually enjoy corporate spirit. I am a loyal person and I love the place where I work.

I don't know what to do with my life. So many options and so little time. And yet I manage to spend days doing nothing. Like today I just was at my parents', chatting, visited my granny and did light grocery shopping for the next week.
And that is all that happened. *sigh*

Tomorrow is dnd, though. So it might be a better day.

My First Publication

Hello world! I'm 21 and I was published in The Moscow Times this Tuesday.

My Left Half

My left part of the brain takes lead now without me being conscious about that. Like picking knife with left hand and slicing or doing more active part in washing things while it used to only hold objects.
I have come to conclusion that I am not only uncomfortable with the world but with myself as well. I had a major breakdown based on these thoughts on Friday. And I cried on the shoulder of a boy who told me that if we broke up it would be alright for him because he is a big boy. And that is like saying "I tell you that I love you but actually I will be just fine without you. I don't really need you." That was not a nice thing to hear. But I can't say this "I love you" to him, though I contemplate the thought of how we will spend our lives together. And I thought of that before we became close.

My Nostalgia and Fear of Future

Nostalgia has been overwhelming again lately. Probably because I've spent the last few days at my parents. I have slept in a room where I grew up. This pillow was soaked with my tears through the night, those street lamps lighted my midnight reading, walls have endured all kinds of scratching. So, it's been very moving to return to this place and yet I felt like I was a guest there.
At some point (probably too late) I gathered my things and went back to the lonely shack. I love this place where I live. It's cosy and it has my strong presence in it.
I had a rather good day today - I spent it with myself. Watched the latest Doctor Who and behind the scenes of the Hobbit. Actually cooked something for dinner (I do not do that much).
I went through some old papers. Lots of bad drawings, I shall throw them away. I am mentally preparing myself for leaving for a year, and coming back will be tough - I will be a different person (or I hope so?). That's why I've got to prepare to get rid of things, which is tough because of my 'keeper' personality.
I have been thinking about all the things I ever wanted to achieve or do. I did amazingly little from this list. And yet I'm not doing badly, no, sir. I can be pretty awesome. I am just aware of what I could have become if I really tried and had the courage. And sometimes it feels like I'm almost done. I've got a degree and a job, a guy who asks me about children and wants me to stay with him. And I know I can settle right now. And yet I am uneasy with that. I still foolishly want to have my adventures and marvels and all that.
I remember everything. I know why I am doing what I am doing. I know myself. I just do not yet have realized what I can do with that knowledge. This past year I have grown up and the change is dramatic.
I want to be hardworking, more self-confident. I am proud of who I am. And I deserve to grow and evolve.
What I am afraid of is, shortly speaking, not having in my life what I want in it. I am afraid of settling, being done and finished. I am still kicking, hear me roar!

My Clean Desk

I've cleaned my desk. Just logging this as my accomplishment. I am such an organized person, trying to stay positive.