I look like s**t today. Apparently, this is what young folks look like these days as I was denied the right to buy booze (ale with 4,2% - who even makes ale so light?). It is funny, though. Because despite my recurring teenage angst I feel pretty old and tired already.
Someday it will all be over and done anyway.
I have good days and bad days. According to the program on my phone I have around 25% bad days. That's like a fourth of my life sucks. And it is not just 'not a good day', because I mark those as good ones, but utterly bad days with crying and sighing and trying to avoid all kind of positivity.
I can't even do anything with myself at days like this. Today I decided that sun and walking would help me feel better. It got worse after that.
This constant fight with sadness and loneliness and shame and shyness and nervousness. So many people feel this, too. What's wrong with me and this world? Why do I try to live on the bright side and fail at that time after time? I get involved with people who strangely find me attractive and I hurt them. And I hurt myself even more because I know my weak points.
I still cry over my first love which was stupid and a decade ago. I cry over everything and everyone. It just piles up.
What I want to know is how do I live? I don't want to hurt others and yet I want good things for myself. And they have always been kind of connected with pain. Do I have a right to exist if what I mostly do is adding up sadness to this world?
Someday it will all be over and done anyway.
I have good days and bad days. According to the program on my phone I have around 25% bad days. That's like a fourth of my life sucks. And it is not just 'not a good day', because I mark those as good ones, but utterly bad days with crying and sighing and trying to avoid all kind of positivity.
I can't even do anything with myself at days like this. Today I decided that sun and walking would help me feel better. It got worse after that.
This constant fight with sadness and loneliness and shame and shyness and nervousness. So many people feel this, too. What's wrong with me and this world? Why do I try to live on the bright side and fail at that time after time? I get involved with people who strangely find me attractive and I hurt them. And I hurt myself even more because I know my weak points.
I still cry over my first love which was stupid and a decade ago. I cry over everything and everyone. It just piles up.
What I want to know is how do I live? I don't want to hurt others and yet I want good things for myself. And they have always been kind of connected with pain. Do I have a right to exist if what I mostly do is adding up sadness to this world?
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