My Great Weekend

Here is my ultimate way to solve relationships problems: act like nothing happened and then discuss it after you show that everything is alright.
So, the weekend was good. There was some greatness to these past days, too.
One of the main things I have recently found out is that I stopped liking one certain person. I mean I still like him, but not in that confusing way anymore. One reason for that was that little comment about my friend on Saturday. Because I knew some facts about that stuff about them and he didn't mention it (obviously). Another thing was his girlfriend. She just mentally kills everybody with her presence acting as if she does not want to be right here right now. I don't mean anything, but she was not the likable person and, knowing that the boy is seeing her without certain special feelings for her made me think whether I should respect him so much or just let him go down to the level of just a normal human being. Well, I won't mention that one MTG game that we had 2x2 on Sunday, because it was the least fun I could have suspected from him.
So, I told my beloved one that I was actually really stupid to worry so much about whether I like him or not (though I didn't tell him the last part). Yes, I do. Of course I do. Now there is no one else to confuse me.
And another thing is that my beloved has opened the world for me. I really am more responsive to life events, more adequate and friendly. I had some nostalgic moments today while eating at the canteen in the Main Building of the Uni. Because that's where I've spent a lot of time during the first year of the Uni (besides library). And I know how much I improved. But special thanks are for a few previous months as my beloved changed me for the better.

My Inability to Think

Over a few years in the past I worked on a great skill - not thinking. Well, it actually was needed back then because my thoughts were physically painful at the certain period of my life. That time has passed but the ability to clear my mind of any thoughts stayed.
I am using it right now. See - I am not even crying.
By the way, for those, who told me not to write in this depressing way any more: this is my life. Even if I wrote here every day, that would not have changed a bit. I do have bright times, times when I am happy and content. But most of my time I am this stressed student, struggling to live her life the most appropriate way (or just the way she can).
Overall, I am OK. OK is the only thing I can say about myself today.
Everything's fine.

My Super Project

What I lack lately is a huge awesome time-consuming project! I have one planned for November already, but not for the next month. I don't want it to be connected to the studies, because that is not so hilarious and we have quite a few.
Yet I don't want it to be some mind-boggling and life-changing one. Just... the one that will take me away from my thoughts and ennui. But it should have some pressure on me and my procrastination. Or else it won't have the required effect.
Well, anyway, I'll think about it.

My Freedom

The world is freedom. I have so many opportunities and choices, that it's a little bit confusing.

Damn it feels like delaying the end of the relationship. It saddens me, irritates me, we don't listen to each other. More than that, I don't really want to talk to him because - about what? It seems to me as if I'm losing my time.
Though, I know that with the end of this will come not the freedom but the same old stuff - hiding, breaking inside, crying out loud at night, bad tempering with daybreak and other even more exciting things.
It's so hard to be strong, really. I've already mentioned my wavering grounds. I don't have a base to defend, I don't really have home any more. Why do I still come back here? It's freaking cold.
I can't even tell him I'm crying, because I don't trust him, all he ever does is laugh or act offended. Our worlds are different, they never seem to integrate. But he is not an alien to me. We spend at most 10 hours per week together. But when I am with him I know that he is the only light in my life. Yeah, he destroys everything else through my own hands. But the warmth of his body is something I do not want to lose.
How much longer will that continue? Does he even see what I see? And what am I to him? Certainly, not the first priority. I don't know if I can talk to him about all this. Well, I don't want to bother anyone. That's pretty much why I'm writing this and not discussing it with someone. Because I want to have pride in myself. To stand up and keep my head high. I don't want people to trample on my dreams. I know I've made huge steps forward during previous months. And right now I'm struggling at the next door to open.
If it hurts so much, then it means that it matters, right? And I still care, so it's alright.

My University

Yup, I'm still here, still alive and blogging.
I know you've been starving for photos (even if you were not...).
So, I wanted to put a picture here. This is the Main Building of MSU, Moscow, Russia. Taken on my mobile phone, walking this Monday around the Uni waiting for a friend. I thought that my head is full of holes like in maasdam cheese, but I actually remembered all these details.
Now it's around 1.30 a.m. and I'm certainly going to sleep in a few minutes.
It's just that I've got to say some words about today. He is still rude and no gentleman. Well, he was also offended by my answer for his 'Why do you like to watch stuff about queers?' 'Because I am one' I told him.
Any whoo, he is still too young to think about kids. Me too. Haha.
I have no doubt that I need to buy some books for Uni as the studies already began and I have little material for seminars. Foosh, what am I thinking about? It is amazing how I can postpone things. But tomorrow, for sure, I will buy the books. Or I will do that the next week after the library declines my requests.

My Tolerance

Yeah... right now I don't feel like I'm in love.
I was remembering my beautiful girl (she was never mine, but I can dream, ok?). Ah, these girls with bright red heads drive me crazy. And sad (can you be driven sad?).
I'm still pretty much unsatisfied.
Today I went to the Uni to listen to 1 lecture, to skip another one and then learn that the next seminar was cancelled. Damn this outrageous schedule.
Making your personal blog public and giving link to your friend will limit your opportunities to write everything in your blog. So, let's skip one part.
I was offended by the nearest person for reading John Barrowman's book 'I am what I am'. Oh, how rude the guy was. Well, he was being quite rude lately, saying stuff about my friends, being intolerant in almost all the ways possible. Being an impolite kid must be a heavy thing to bear on one's shoulders, I guess.
I'd better calm down and check if there is an official visual spoiler for Scars of Mirrodin. 'Cause if I am a good girl during the next week, I will go to the pre-release.

My Wavering Grouds

It's like standing on unsteady land that can collapse any time very soon.
I'm not very content with what is going on in my life.
It's not that my friend at the Uni has found a boy for herself and I am somewhat left out (nah, that's just that I'm pretty jealous towards... well, anyone).
In my head there is some crisis in our relationships with my beloved one. I don't see where we are heading with all that stuff. Any whoo, we are doing pretty well. He even started reading Harry Potter that I gave him. I plan to give him my fav book and discuss it with him. It's Richard Bach 'Illusions', by the way.
My sleep patterns are chaotic. More than that I sleep in random places lately. Not very random, but his, my bro's and my parents' homes are all different. Where is my home? Who knows.
There's also some uncertainty with the matters of my future work.
And I am so disorganized lately. I so don't like this, but living in different places makes you kind of flexible (if you can count it as a synonym for 'disorganized').
Ah, is it the time I start asking myself questions like 'What am I? What I am capable of doing?' etc.
Don't you feel it too - this chaos of your life? And everything it does is delay some simple and small tragedy that will shatter your world and you'll fall below to find yourself in the darkness of your soul, all alone.

My Taboo Words

It was yesterday evening when he said these things. But it only got me now, while I was remembering how great it was to be near him.
We, people, may all be genuine idiots, but there are times when you ought to think about what you say.
The thing is that he said that my writing is not that great. He was asked by his mum after I told her that it's one of my hobbies to write stories.
I am utterly confused because I have never taken any critics to heart that much. But this time I just feel strangely. It was like rain over my world because in the end my writing is me, it represents my soul and my life. And, being soaked through with cold water that my lover has thrown at me, I am sad.
I may be exaggerating a little bit. It has to be the change of the weather that makes me feel the way I do, and the beginning of sore throat, too.
But it seems that some part of me, one of my most treasured and beautiful sides, will be lost for him. I do not want to say that my beloved should not criticize me. I just guess that relationships are not only about telling the truth, but the way you tell it in the most supporting way you can. Did he try his best? Did he think that it was so meaningful and could hurt me? Who knows.
I really want a person near me, who'll tell me I am capable of things and can become even better. Myself is not enough (I sometimes act the opposite way) and the nearest person to me is not that supportive all the time.
This kind of thoughts makes me feel lonely again.

My Eleventh Hour

I've watched an episode of new Doctor, finally. Initiated by my Mum, of course. But Doctor is Doctor anyway, it's just that he seemed more like a parody for previous ones (like their catch phrases, movements, plot twists etc.). Does he get better later? Well, I'm kind of sure I'll watch the series eventually, so I'll try to track his changes if any.
As of yesterday crisis of my mind on the matter of my beloved choosing MTG over me, I've calmed down a little as he promised to never make that choice again. His promises are not that strong as a man's word should be, but anyway. I always hope for the best.
And I feel slightly guilty for wanting to have serious fun.

His Words and Deeds

If he says things that differ from those, I want to hear, what does it mean? If he does things I don't want him to do, what is going to happen? If he chooses the wrong thing, what can I do?

Should I ask him to give up his hobby for me? Will he do it? Should I chase him, wait for him, seek and plan our meetings?

It's just that sometimes you want to feel you are the most valuable thing in your lover's life. Even if this is a lie, it's better to realize you've been deceived while you felt good than to know you are deceived occasionally and feel permanently bad.

How can you make him understand that what he does with his time is not the right way for a grown-up man to lead his life? How come I have overcome watching anime and tv series while I am a few years younger?

Why are we so different?

My 2010-2011 Goals

Yet again, I'll set goals for myself for the third year at the University. And yet again most of them are connected to languages that I never manage to learn. But this year, for certain I will...

1. Become professional legal translator in English (I guess I'll take courses at the Uni for that, so the deadline is uncertain - maybe 2012)
   
2. Read and speak French (by the end of May, 2010)
3. Take German classes (no end time)
4. Read that book on Japanese hieroglyphs (by December, 2010)
5. Earn first 100$ from blogs (by the end of Dec. 2010)
   

Now those goals, which do not have a specified end time:

1. Speak more at the theory questions in classes
   
2. Be more active at the faculty
   
3. Go to the library to read periodicals
   
4. Keep track on your time & efficiency
5. Eat healthier and move more

My Brand New Year

Yup, I'm back at the Uni again (and actually writing this post at the lecture of a new subject). But I'm not back to my old life. I can feel that something has changed. Starting with new clothes and more office-like style and ending with living together with my bro and his grilfriend.
Anyhoo, I am more self-aware and self-respectful (self-respect power!). I guess that is the result of my work at B&M. Maybe that will disappear as the time passes. But I like it.
Never mind my look, my mouth is still full of rubbish. And sometimes it seems I'd better not talk. I have to work on this (I suppose that was one of my resolutions once already).
By the way, about resolutions. While working (i.e. having some free time) at B&M I made a list of goals for this study year. I'll state them in the next post.