My New Scientist

When I was younger, my dad once told me that if I read one issue of New Scientist I would be much smarter than I was before. Well, I grew up with books about science around me, with brother telling me all the marvels of physics, dad being always aware of medical area and mom constantly pointing out things about genetics and evolution.

I have never had a religious education, never got a hint of spirituality from members of my family. My grandma is religious, though. And when I brought that up in one of conversations with mom, she told me that grandma was not like that all the time and said that the reason must be my grandpa's disease and growing older. So, in my mind religion got a strong association with weakness and losing grip in life.

We have a business-like relationship in our family. I guess we have never been close enough to discuss personal matters. My family members are not my friends. But we share a stronger bond, living together for far too long for staying strangers to each other. And that bond is a similar interpretation of facts.

I have started living on my own about 4 years ago. Being apart from the family brought me pretty much on the edge. No one ever taught me how to be on my own and it was tough to start forming my own separate consciousness. I do not know if I succeeded in that or not. Sometimes I have to go to my parents and compare and fix what I got wrong. But I cannot say that I'm done with it, I am not a lost cause and I'm going to work on myself and I will never stop.

My waking up in the middle of the night

Normally, I do not wake up at night. Not unless someone wakes me. And I get so irritated that I can't bear the fact that someone else is there with me. I live alone and I'm so used to it that it makes me crazy when people interrupt my day-to-day habits.

Gosh I just need time alone, I know I do. But on the other hand I'm not gonna survive loneliness 'cause I tried that already. It does not work this way for me. But I've got to do something.

Now I understand why people cheat or have affairs. Because they just do not love their partners. Not their spouses, nor lovers. I should stop it for me now and drift off to someone new. I've got 2 more to score before 2013 and my chances are low due to my still pretty high standards.

I don't want to hurt people. And that makes me spineless and weak. I've been through enough pain, though. I fell like I've become accustomed to it and hurting others seem... normal?

My Headlights

I want to start blogging again to track my daily thoughts. I'd like to catch the flow of my life and what leads to what.

I mostly live in my head and internet and neglect most of my duties and things I really have to do.

For example, I should tell guys that I do not wish to date them and no, they should not tell me they love me because it's either an old story and they've already proved it wrong or I don't believe in love anyway. Because nobody's worth it. I mean if I'm not worth it (and I have always presumed myself to be an outstanding awesome person) then who is?

I don't know what's going to happen. But I can pretty much imagine my future. It's not what I imagined it to be when I was younger. And it does not look that bright.

I changed the bulb in the headlights of my car today. Spent almost an hour because I did not know how to do that and it did not work in the end and I got very cold. You know that feeling after you've been very cold for a long time that stays inside and you can still feel it in your throat and chest the whole day. This is it for me now. But I've felt it some other times, too. And I've felt it in summer as well. I guess it's my heritage as a person who's well aware of the country in which she was born.

Er, I should study but I tumblr instead and do nothing. Cooked some meat today, though. It turned out ok.

I just feel that I spend less time on thinking about myself. It's like drifting mindlessly. And I need to stop that. I don't really want to go back to when I was over-thinking everything, but I'd like to turn to more positive thinking. Because I know my life won't be full of adventures and wonders as I thought it would, but I could still try to make it bearable.

And I know I'm yet to meet the person who'll make me feel as happy as my geekiness makes me. Well, one more like that.

My Secrets

I need to talk to someone. But I am ashamed. I guess that's what it's called to live with what you've done.

I can't talk to my parents because they are gonna judge me. That's one of those things they have told me not to do with my life.

I can't talk to my bro 'cause he's gonna make a joke out of it and I am not in the mood for laughing.

I can't talk to friends because I am afraid they are gonna turn their backs on me and it's not gonna be any better.

I can't talk to myself because I am the one who got myself in this. I can't trust myself to get me out of it now.

Maybe chance is a pretty common thing after all. Those kinds of coincidences are happening all around us, all the time, but most of them don’t attract our attention and we just let them go by. It’s like fireworks in the daytime. You might hear a faint sound, but even if you look up at the sky you can’t see a thing. But if we’re really hoping something may come true it may become visible, like a message rising to the surface. Then we’re able to make it out clearly, decipher what it means. And seeing it before us we’re surprised and wonder at how strange things like this can happen. Even though there’s nothing strange about it.
— Haruki Murakami

I overslept today. This is the second time this week. And I wanted this to be a good day with an early start. Now half of my washed clothes stay in the tumbler, other half is on the top of washing machine. Huh. Well, right now I can't kneel before the king and say I'm clean, especially on the days when I oversleep or run late for work or studies.

I have a few solutions on how to get back on track:

1. Plan ahead. At least for the next day. And it would help if I got prepared on the previous night or made a list of stuff to do/take with me.

2. Wake up. Actually wake up in the morning and not 1,5 hours later after your first alarm went off.

3. Buy vitamins and fish oil and eat more vegs and greens because it's winter time.

4. Stay positive. I think of making a list of songs that make me feel good, not sad, so I could listen to them in the car. Most of my favs are sad, though. And I like Indie Rock and it's all kind of blue.

This should do. 

I just want to talk about Mars and the Universe and everything. And I want to laugh on stupid things, on dearest things. I want to discuss religion and make silly jokes about it. I want to drink fancy beer and enjoy full moon brews and guess what flavor they have. I want to listen to fast melodies and sing along and squeal when a favorite song plays on the radio.

I want to hold your hand and I want everyone to smile at us. I want to play with your hair and look at your face lit by the dim sunrise. And I want to make you the happiest person in the world.

And I hope you are.

I just miss you.

My Pit

Today was not as good as yesterday. I worked too little and was too lazy. And ate too many sweets. We got quadruple chocolate cheesecake and triple chocolate pie for lunch with a friend. I thought I would throw up gulping it with sugary ginger coffee. Ugh, Starbucks!

People around me are traveling and I am having my boring life. How come no one ever visits me? Not even my parents?

I am pretty sure that my greatest fear is to find myself not feeling anything one day. Not caring, not falling in love, not believing in positive future. And it gives me so much sadness, too. But it's better than nothing.

I want to take a walk.

My NaNoWriMo 2012

I will not participate:
1. I had a negative experience trying to write a trashy novel based on my life for NaNoWriMo. Boring.
2. I simply do not have any time for that (please note that all my free time is wasted on watching tv series, not even reading).
3. I am afraid that upon finishing a novel I might lose any will to live further. I only wanted to have sex and write a book in my life and then I'm good to go. So...

November is a good month for changes, though. But it's the loneliest month of the year and the saddest. And it's got most of sweets in it, too. I've already got a 'maple pecan' for tomorrow morning.

I don't know why I am still on the lowest levels of self-development. Albeit I read a lot on self-help and improvements, I did not implement them. How people are so in love with themselves sometimes?

I have thought about fears lately. And about the fear of death in particular. And I don't have it. I just think that my life is not worth keeping, I do not have any purpose. And though I was trying to find it in some kind of activity, I have come to a conclusion that the only chance for me to fill my life with a reason is to fall in love. And oh, haven't I tried that, too. I only want people I can't get and I don't want those that fall into my arms and keep coming back. But I ache and long for their warmth. And this  is all pain pain pain.

That was so good finally having this dream - somewhere away something you can hold on to, something you want to reach and someone you want to become better for. Well, thank you, the Universe, for letting me know there is something better somewhere out there. It made it much more painful to live every day. And I don't know why I have filled my life with sadness while I could have had it all - anything I wanted and even more. But Muse were right - 'You could be the best if you only had the chance'. Now what should I do? Hell, I know what should be done. I am pretty sure I won't do that. And there are some things I won't even do or have. I'm too old and too dead and broken for that.

But there are still lots of opportunities. And I am still not good enough. Well, I'm pretty sure I will never be good enough for anything I ever wanted.

What am I doing? Huh. I'm so tired.