My Dear Blog

Oh, dear blog. I am sorry I don't write here when I am happy, so you only get my negative thoughts.

Today was a good day. Even with smoking and losing sight. I have felt rapture in me. And endless gratitude for life. I feel it more and more each day. I simply look around me or out of the window and happiness fills me from the inside.

Everything is beautiful. It's just that sometimes sadness prevails and I get a little bit (or very) depressed about life and my failed expectations.

But on days like today, I know I can do things. I can succeed in everything. And my life will turn out to be a very happy one. I am certain that I will find the strength I seek now. I will do things that I like more than those that I don't.

And then, maybe, I will start writing again.

But that's about future. And today just rests in the history of good days.

I have finished a book, which was Russian and I liked it. I began reading Good Omens today, too. I think that's going to be a great book, because I want to hug it (and I have not read more than 25 pages yet).

So, my dear blog, as you can see, I live my life in joy. I love my life and everything in it.
I come to you to ease my mind and let the grief and sadness go away. But I know that you want to be positive sometimes, too. So there you go - this post is for you.

My 30 Hours

The last post indicated really important thoughts that got me through any kind of sadness these past days. It's like a small fire inside of me.

I am still obsessed with Sherlock by BBC. In my opinion, it is the tv show of the highest quality I have ever seen in my life.

This night was a strange one. Not because I tried to study again just before the exam. But because I could not sleep. I tried to - twice (at night and in the morning). It just did not work. I was lying in bed for 2 hours, and this Sherlock tune was playing in my head over and over again, quite irritating, and I was bending to find a pose (any pose) comfortable enough to sleep. Nothing helped. I do not know the reason.
So, from around 12 p.m. yesterday till 8 p.m. today I did not sleep. It's my first time to pass the '24 hours without sleep' line.
But I am going to try to get some sleep again now. A curious thing, though - I don't really feel the need to sleep.

My Meanings, Points and Reasons

I live in a small flat. I smoke and drink occasionally. I am depressed quite frequently. And sometimes I ditch my chores for a long time.

My life is meaningless. It is pointless.

And the only reason for me to live is to make it different.


P.S. I just have drunk more whiskey than usually. And I've read this "Alone on the water" fanfiction, which was good except for their kissing (like wtf - totally out of concept). And actually, I did not feel myself more comfortable with me than tonight.

I am bored. And that's depressing. I am rarely bored, I always find something to do - read, write, watch, talk.
But nothing seems to excite me today.
My bro had a birthday this week and I did not congratulate him on that properly. He is 27. Living with his girlfriend. He is very very distant now.
Actually I don't know who is really close to me. I had a guy who was and I screwed it with confessing my love to him.
I have a boy who kind of trying to be in a relationship with me. I wish him strength because I don't feel like sharing my world with him.

My sink/sync

So yeah. Hard day today watching 9 episodes of Supernatural and scrolling tumblr.

I have a pile of dishes in the sink waiting to be cleaned.

I have slept till 2 p.m.

I did not call my pa, though that was kind of obligatory.

I did not read anything for the exam.

My life seems a little bit out of sync lately.

The next two days I will change the world again.

But it just does not stay that way.

That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:10)

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in a casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
- C.S. Lewis

My Moments of Solitude

It was not that random - I wanted to smoke for two weeks now. Not the constant urge to light the cigarette, just these thoughts occasionally. Or rather - delusions of me smoking and feeling better. Quite a trick of the brain. So there I was, standing, staring at walls and stairs, feeling warm smoke touch my skin. I like it when my fingers are cold. They feel more fragile and thin and beautiful. I do not understand how this works, either. Sometimes I want them to be warmer - to be more comfortable when holding hands, but that does not happen. Before coming out of the flat I asked a friend to wait me on icq online. 'Won't take long' - I said - 'Ten minutes at most'. You know, just the feeling that somebody waits for you. Even if you do bad things to yourself.
Standing there I thought about these opportunities again. I am only twenty, my whole life is ahead and I don't know what I want. Being kind of lost and waiting to begin my road to somewhere. But not just anywhere. The destination has to be all shiny and beautiful, of course. And yet there are so many things you see on the horizon, tempting you to dedicate your life to them. It's like standing with your eyes shut and then open them and be blinded by all the light the world can offer you.
And after all the thoughts, flowing slowly, slower with every breath, with every molecule of nicotine going to my brain, I went back. Oh, a friend waited for me - such a relief, I'm still wanted by someone on this planet.
'I will follow you into the dark' was playing on repeat the whole time, I changed it for 'Halleluja' by Rufus Wainwright and...
...and for a minute or two I actually thought that all of it, somehow, will be a solid thing, like solving a puzzle, putting shattered pieces together - the Universe will actually make sense.
But then I lost it again.

"John, writing a blog about everything that happens to you will honestly help you."
"Nothing happens to me."
- A study in pink. 1x1 of Sherlock, 2010.

My Cracks

I probably should not be thinking it now, considering the state of my preparation for the exam on Monday, but I still do.
So, today's the day of the first crack in my relationship. Everything's in my head, alright. It's just we are so indecisive together: where to go/what to do etc.
I hope that's just thoughts in the middle of exams-time depression. And they will go away. But I know how it starts in me. Brrr.

My Oversleeping

New Year always shatters my sleep pattern. I simply can't get up earlier than the midday. Today I set an experiment: made my alarm go off at 8 a.m., 9 a.m., 10 a.m. and 11 a.m. Huh, at around 9-10 a.m. I thought that it is necessary for me to stay in bed and save my crew and getting up would be ugly betrayal.
I cooked meat and it rocked.
I'm in no mood to do anything at all. And it's sunny outside, which is so rare this winter.

My Fishing

Haha! That's the second day I live on 1,500 Kcal diet. Because yes, I forgot to eat meat. But today I've bought 3 nice pieces of pork, so tomorrow is my meat feast. Plus, I plan on baking an apple pie (I have dough in the fridge and lots of apples).
I've installed Quake 3 on linux today, but OpenArena runs much better. I miss those fps of my youth. Yesterday I played 4 hours straight of flash zombie game (Rebuild) my friend recommended (I helped him with cooking fish at his place the day before).

And that's how my preparation for exams goes. I know it's still not the time to start panicking, but I should totally work more. Because in 2 days I only drafted answers for 10 (11) questions.

Tomorrow my mom and I are going to museum to see this exhibition of W. Blake. I just hope I will wake up earlier tomorrow, not at 12 a.m.

So, I'm off to plan tomorrow and do other stuff.