My Separation of Perception and Zipped Information

This post is about my mental separation of information received from the outside world. The moment when I realized that I do that was when I once thought about the time spent with my boyfriend. I have found out that everything was separated into two parts - when I was getting some information from him and everything else. It still feels like my life was divided into the time I've spent with him (not necessarily physically with him) and the other part of my life when I was with my friends, did things that I liked etc. Even when I went to the cinema with him it is still separated in my head between my impressions of the movie and the fact that I was there with him. Quite frequently it is separated so much that I have to spend some time before I realize that different facts correspond each other and happened at the same moment.

I guess this is some kind of an anti-stress block that my mind put on the memories so that I will not remember all the aspects of facts.

Continuing with the theme of mental blocks, I have tried a new one on Sunday. This one is for zipping information which can obviously confuse or hurt me. Zipping technique together with the skill to separate information is a perfect tool to save myself from unnecessary distractions and yet let me enjoy the light and happy memories. I have zipped the information concerning my relationship with a person and put that away. I know that if I keep it away for too long, it will explode one day. So, I am waiting for some time to pass so I can unzip the info and think about it without bleeding too much. I will find the time to evaluate the experience and analyze what happened with a sharp and clear mind and without emotional interruptions.

I've just checked how it works - it is awesome. I met with that person, we had lunch, looked through the photos which we made together and... It was just fine. I really like the way it went, we talked about the news and plans and chatted about other stuff, and it was nice. I feel happy and sound. Anyway, it is a good thing for me.

I give myself a week and a half of this calmness. If nothing happens, I will slowly and cautiously unzip all I have in the dark part of my mind and think about it. I doubt I will postpone it. This time limit is more like the minimum for me. I don't want it to happen any sooner.

My Last Week of Summer (Result)

I did almost everything that I planned for the last week (still have a lot of questions for exam to work on).

The trip to St. Petersburg was something special for me, on different levels - emotional and physical. I have spent 3 whole days with my companion, we parted only for a few hours. I had so much impressions that it seems that a lot of time had passed since I left. I visited only one museum - of chocolate - and did not visit all these fancy touristic places. I mean, I have seen a lot of them, alright. We even went to Peterhof Palace. But now I can say not only that 'I visited St P' but that 'I know the city'. I could have known it better if I was alone (for I would have used the map more => better orientation). Nevertheless we walked a lot around the city, so I have a solid impression about the streets, architecture and people.

On Sunday I overslept, but woke up just in time to rush for the MTG sealed. I have won one game 2:0 and nothing else. But it is still good, I think. Then we (many of Tolarians were there) ate at Udon and went to Yura's place to play D&D. Then I went to parents to show them half of the photos from the trip (the other half is my companion's and I will get them when we meet again).

I have realized that the trip to St.P. did a good thing for me - I do not feel all these romantic confusing stuff that I've felt before. I was and I am sure that I do not need that now. I want a stable relationship with a beloved and loving person. I am not convinced the way that I was before that being with this one certain guy is the best thing that can happen to me now. I guess that sometime ago it might have been true. But the time has passed and I hope this does not change.

My ex-bf started dating a girl. Watching him making the same mistakes that he did when he dated me is kind of sad. But it's not my business and she is a different person. She might be more tolerant to him, accepting him more for who he is. Moreover, I suppose that the way he acted was kind of cute at first. But I remember the time when it started to irritate me, so I am not jealous at all. I wish them happiness.

My Last Week of Summer (Plans)

This week's plans smell fishy. It's like I want to do everything I did not do this summer in the following 5 days. I'm going to St. Petersburg for 3 days tomorrow evening. I have found a guy (quite randomly) who is willing to go. He is nice and I like our conversations. So, the trip is meant to be lovely. We are going alone. We chose the cheapest possible ways to travel and live in the city. Well, I don't mind. I've composed a list of things I want to see there. This will actually be my first time to visit a far-away (ok, it's not that far) place with a friend and not my parents. It's going to be ok, I guess. At least, it suits into my screw-your-life policy.

And on Sunday I plan on playing mtg sealed on SOM block. I love the first two sets in the block, but not the last one. But still, I like poisoning. I'm thinking about building standard deck, by the way. And maybe I'll build it on poison counters strategy. We'll see when Innistrad comes out anyway. Right now it's pretty meaningless for all the awesomeness of the new set that was promised by the Wizards.

I've started studying for the exam, but it goes pretty slowly. Tomorrow I will try to make notes on the half of the questions. Not so much time is left.

Yeah, I want autumn to come. I miss its rains and spicy taste in the air. It feels like home on the planet much more when it's autumn.

My Weird Friendship

I watched 'Dr. Horrible's Sing-along blog' yesterday. It is hilarious, indeed. Now I know why my fiends kept screaming "What!? You have not seen it yet? Watch it today!" Yeah, really worth it.

Erm. I am still screwing with my romantic feelings. Last week I've spent two nights with the guy I want to be with but it actually was 24/7 with someone else on my mind. Hah, and I've told another guy that he should date me because I drive him home quite frequently. And at the end of the week I have a date with a friend. He calls it a weird friendship. We hold hands, hug etc. It's pretty nice to like each other. Because my strong affection brings me a lot of pain... With this guy (actually, "strong man" suits him better) I simply have fun, without thinking much of anything (his gf, for example). It is also good, because it happened that I started behaving like a happy person when he was around. Thus, I cannot change it now, so I have to be happy around him. And, oh boy, it feels great! We had our first date at a Japanese fast-food. We are just friends, just friends.

I've bought shoes of my dreams today. And they are really comfortable. I wish for rain now to wear them. But it still is very hot and sunny.

My Leadership

Right now I'm reading Dale Carnegie again. I actually do that once in a while. Especially this famous book of his - How to win friends and influence people.

And, more or less, I feel myself ready for the new horizons in my life. I want to get acquainted with new people. I want people to know me, to gain their respect.

Being the host of the Tolarian Academy made me think that I did something meaningful, powerful. Organizing people and making them feel good is the whole point of being a social animal. And thinking about what I can do in the future once I become better in leading people with my utter devotion to humanity and complete lack of ill intentions makes me shiver with anticipation and fear. Yes, I am scared of an image of myself talking to strangers. I don't have enough experience. And I am going to work on this.

I've applied for AMC Student Council that will be launched this autumn. Let's see what comes of it.

And I still intend to establish public speaking club and reading club at the University.

My future looks bright and happy. All this is because I become more and more confident. I like where I am going. It's just that I should learn how to manage romantic relationships and control my feelings. Recently they seem to overflow my mind pretty frequently.

My August 2011 Goals

Here they are:

1. Learn French: improve it up to intermediate level
2. Make notes on all questions for the upcoming exam
3. Play bass
4. Read a book on the Universe
5. Keep up with that sport activity habit (I've been doing it for a week already, not going to stop 'cause I like it)
   
6. Play a sealed mtg game and actually play magic better
7. Try meditation
   

My Little Dance and Little Kiss

I gathered the Tolarian Academy at my place on Friday eve. I feel good about it, no matter who opposed. And it went pretty well, too. I'll have to think it through more next time.

I danced a little with him. I really have to learn how to dance. It gives a beautiful feeling of movement. I guess I will ponder over the idea of going to balls at the Uni.

By the way, I miss traveling - I want to see new places! And I miss walks, preferably at the evening or night in the city.

I don't know what faith in the relationship means anymore. Why guys can kiss another girl so freely? Or is it me? Maybe I should stop teasing them, too. Huh. But damn, even if that is not a test of fidelity... When I kissed a girl while dating my bf, I felt so guilty that I could not look him in the eyes. I told him about the kiss and could not kiss him anymore. Because for me it felt like cheating. We broke up shortly after (plus I hugged with another guy, but that was an end for the previous relationship already). Well, another person broke up after we kissed as well. Nevertheless...

Anyway, I want to play mtg better. And I want to find a funky guy and have fun like going everywhere, dancing and enjoying life. An unlimited access to an earlobe might be a good thing, too. But yet, I want a certain person to be that guy. And I know that it is impossible right now. I have regrets in my life now. They may seem artificial and emerged from the offense by the person I loved, but they are here in my mind.

I have understood yet another thing about life: do what you want to do. You should never play with yourself and people. Do what you really want in your heart. Thus you will be yourself and live a happy life. Great advice for me at least.

My First Avenger

Last night I've seen the First Avenger movie. Like most of Marvel movies I've enjoyed it. These movies are positive and heroes overcome lots of challenges. So, now I am motivated and pretty much happy.

Last evening was a really nice one. I like the way I feel around the girl with whom I went to the movie. And I am still smiling at these fondue jokes and our hysterical laugh at the cinema. And the boy has told me nice thing, so that now I feel like being in love again. Though, I really should not. I have endured a lot of pain already. I don't want any more.

My parents went fishing. If everything is fine, I'll go with them the next week. I went fishing once or twice in my life and it was at the river. Mom and Dad do their fishing differently, though. They go to artificial lakes, where fish is bred specially for those, who love lazy and fruitful fishing. Anyway, this is part of my 'take every opportunity your life presents you' philosophy (at least I'm trying to adopt it).

I have met with my ex-bf the other day. He told me some unpleasant things. Yup, that's who he is. And he is still not over our break up. He told me he felt like I've used him and threw away. I know he is partly right. But he was a fool, too. He should have appreciated it when I loved him, because I really did. I gave him a lot, everything I could at the time. And losing a girl, who loved him and forgave a lot of things is his mistake. I am not stainless either, I made my mistakes, too. He also said that I did not give him a chance to repair our relationship, but it was too late for us. Plus, he claimed it was a childish act of mine to break up. That's a funny thing, because he agreed that we were not meant to be together. He did not explain any further, and I don't really care. More hate and ugly things could have come out of him. He looks a little bit pitiful while triumphing over his mean and low actions, desperately trying to hurt me. I wish him happiness, but if his happiness can be acquired only by these dark deeds then I don't want him to be around. I have tried to guide him to humanity and brighter thought flow as much as I could. If he did not want to take it, then it's his problem, really. And I have kind of taught him how to drive a car. I gave him more than I should have, I guess, but I was in love - that's what a lover does for his beloved. And it is not his credit that I have changed so much. This victory is all mine! After this talk I will not thank him for every good thing he did to me. He has no right to blame me for anything. That's ridiculous! We were together and now we are not. A lot of time has passed since the break up, too. Our parting was a rational and logical thing to do. For the both of us it was the best outcome. He claimed that I could have made it a happy-end. Oh my, I've tried that, you know. This really was the best timing.