My Failure at the End of 2010

Well, I failed 2/2 today.
Mum said that now I have stuff to think about.
Granny told me that she feels bad overall and now it's me to make her feel worse.

I got my first New Year's present today. And gave two presents to girls at the Uni.

I have finished another book of Frei, wished that someone like old kind Juffin will find me someday and tell me what was wrong about my life all along.

My beloved decided not to come when I asked him to, because he smoked and drank today. Sadly, I still want to sit beside him and be silent for a little while. I made him a NY card today, felt like hugging someone virtually.

My Road to Myself

I have no time for that now, as Monday is full of responsible stuff at the Uni. But I don't want to forget my current thoughts.
So, reading Frei again, I realized that I want to find my strongest points and gain amazing superpowers! Or at least become more self-confident.
And I know for sure that remembering things is not one of my fortes.
Huh, I am going the right way now, am I not? At least, I have proper thoughts...
So, January should become my road to myself. And that will be a good start of the year.

My Body's Rejection

Recently I feel like my body is going to throw me up out of it. This feeling sucks, it's like my body rejects me and tries to get rid of me. And no, this is something new and it seems not to be connected to exams, because my worries are on the same level as at previous times. I can't imagine any other reason.
Damn, and with all these studies I still have to work. Yeah, I am stressed.
There is one more big (the biggest) theme to be revised (learned) for tomorrow, but I will watch the promised episode of the series (promised to myself for finishing half of questions). At least I will be true to myself and maybe this feeling of total rejection will stop. I believe it is only in my mind, though. But that's also only my mind that does every little thing in my body, so nah~. And I don't have time to deal with this right now. I can only sigh and drink cold water.

My First Concert

My first... well, ok, I'm omitting memories of this Sunday. But today was a nice day. I did come to work earlier, indeed. I successfully finished the task in time. I received another task (from my mentor - whohoo!). So, I did not have a chance to do studies for tomorrow. And then I went to the concert, and came home at 11 p.m. I don't know how I'll learn everything for tomorrow. Maybe I won't (most certainly actually).
But the concert was cool. It was my first time at such an event (I know, I'm not a normal kid). I found it kind of loud in the club. But it was nice to meet with friends and stuff... I was pretty tired, though. I still am.
I guess I will go to bed and try to wake up earlier to study. That's the only way to survive. It's now or never (tomorrow or January actually).
Yeah, damn.
But zero hcg warms me from the inside. I'm calmer today.

My Perfect Rice

By the way, on Saturday we made sushi ourselves. And they rocked!
1. I made perfect rice for the first time in my life (well, I followed the instructions rather strictly);
2. We bought all the ingredients + I had some.
3. So, we had sushi with: salmon, salmon and pepper and cucumber, caviar, cheese.
4. We ate sushi right after cooking, so we managed to chew for 4 hours almost non-stop.
5. He brought his special dishes for sushi and we used them.
Yup, 'cook sushi together' - check!

My Presents for Friends and Family

Yup, today I went shopping to find some presents for New Year. I did all I could. Plus I bought the book online for a friend because I did not find it in the bookshop I went today (bought a few books for presents). It's sort of fulfilling to do some crazy stuff for stupid presents which can be substituted with an excuse and anything else. I'll have to go to another big bookshop somewhere between my semester works/exams to pick up the book. It's Max Frei, if you are interested. And the book is simply deficit because it was published some years ago, and Frei is popular, and the only publisher is Amfora. Well, no, I am not sure there is a sound explanation for the fact that I could not find the book, nor could my friend (that's why I am so eager to find it for her). Plus, I feel I have to do that, because I'm reading Frei as well, and I have borrowed every book from my friend, so I'll actually read this very book - eventually.
And I have found that cool shop with all kind of neat stuff! It's superb and it's located in my favourite area of the city. I bought a present for mum and Yui (for her birthday, which is tomorrow!) there.
Tomorrow I promised to be at work as early as possible, so I'll have to wake up at 7 a.m. and storm out of the house asap. But here I am at 1 a.m. sitting at my computer, drying my hair (still no hairdryer - it's at parents' home).
This time before exams is always the time of regrets. Thoughts like "I could have done better at the classes" are always on the mind. Nah, I guess I'll have to do all that traditional way: learn everything on the night of the exam/semester work. Huh, the panic mode is being turned on inside of me with this creepy feeling in the stomach (or is this pregnancy? - I'll learn that tomorrow morning, if I don't oversleep).
So~ I'm sleeping on the sofa in my clothes again. Just because. No reason. I'll go hunting for socks in the other room now, so that's it.

My Load of Sh*t

Yeah, this title really contains some rude words, it does.
But, well, I'm full of crap that needs to be posted. And I hope that some day some of my crap gets published. If I start to put down my crap in words, that is. Should this post have been titled 'My Crap' instead?
Anyway, I've spent my day the most hated way. Woke up at 9 a.m. then decided to sleep more, which led to getting up at noon. Cooked breakfast for the both of us, tried to force him to get up, which happened a bit later. Then we fooled around for a while until he had to go to birthday party of some school friend. I stayed at home the rest of the day, waiting for my parents (never came due to late hours and bad weather), watching new tv show (how I met your mother, which is simply hilarious). Plus I read few dozen pages of new book by Frei (still reading those). The whole day ended with my bitter tears and sore eyes.
I don't know what was the problem: loneliness, lack of fresh air, no proper dinner or the events of previous night (don't ever ask, but I won't ever forget this failure).
Anyhow, I don't consider myself as a happy person. Nor the responsible one, 'cause tomorrow's birthday of one of my best friends and I don't have a present for her (I suck at remembering the dates).
And I've been thinking that I talked to a lot of people in my life. Some of them gave me so much crap, judging me, criticizing me, offending, deceiving, leaving me when I began to be so needy for them. There is just one thing that makes me feel damn good - in that load of sh*t I have found fantastic relationships and friends which I would like to keep for the rest of my life. And just thinking about these people makes me feel warm and good, for they are supporting and understanding and they love me.
From the Darjeeing Limited I remember one quote which appealed to my thoughts from a while ago. One of the brothers asked two other brothers: if we met in real life would we be friends? That's a tricky question for the family, right? Because if you give it a thought, you will actually never enter into a relationship with somebody like your parents or relatives (if they are not dependant, I mean). Well, that's just that my brother hasn't talked to me since the time he moved away with his gf. I wanted to call his today, but I don't know his home number and it's awkward to call on mobile. I just didn't call.
Well, there was another call today. I called my bf when I felt a little bit lonely at first, but he told me he was busy playing board games then. I went to the shower and missed his calling me back. Then he called at around midnight (he was almost home). I was in no condition to talk already, so I just cried and sobbed and was pretty silent.
And yeah, I hate myself.
That's it for today.

My Why

Why do I feel so sad, from day to day, every second trying to forget that I actually hate myself?
Why do I take every chance to degrade and turn myself down and always avoid really good stuff?
Why am I stressed out and rest makes me feel guilty?
Why do I feel pity for myself?
Why do I have so many dreams and goals and never do anything to achieve them?
Why don't I give full dedication to anything while able to do so?
Why do I act half-hearted and why real things don't make me feel good and raise my mood?
Why do I think that life is not fair while I know that I don't deserve the prize?
Why do I act so immature?
Why do I judge people while I have so much to be ashamed of?
Why doesn't my boyfriend makes me happy and why am I staying in this relationship?
Why don't I try to spend more time with friends and family?
Why do I waste so much time doing nothing useful?

P.S. NaNoWriMo has taught me one thing - what matters is quantity not quality (which is absurd, but I'm going to use this for the blog, because this is my Captain's log and I want to post here as much as I can, even if it means I will be embarrassed for grammar later).

My NaNoWriMo Fail

I failed in NaNoWriMo (or - according to their philosophy - tried very hard as an important participant). I only managed to write around 2000 words about myself. I lacked the idea that I wanted to realize in a month. I already had one like that and I'm stuck in a difficult plot turn that I can't really think through. And I did not want to use my old ideas for the contest, because that would have been cheating.
Writing about myself was good experience because it gave me motivation to think about the stuff happening around me. I was ready to write a book about myself, which is crazy if I think about it seriously. I guess I'm too young to write an autobiography that will be interesting for others. And I can complain and write about my problems here.
So, maybe I'll try next year with a better idea.

My One-man Rule

This weekend, while cleaning the house after my 'room-mates' left me alone again, I thought that my life was very rich with events. I mean the events that I value, which are small but nice: like little talk, shy smile, some friendly touches and hugs, reading (even a few pages) of a book. I am attentive to those things, because they constitute my life from day to day. That's why when I come home in the evening I feel that morning was ages ago.
And so, if I die tomorrow I won't regret a thing, because my life is full of stuff that I care about.
I also thought that myself from a few years ago was very different from me now and it is fun to think that I knew that person so good. All those dirty secrets, and dreams, and fears, etc.
By the way, I cooked a damn good chicken yesterday. I am not proud of myself, because I have never thought of cooking as something you can have achievements in. Because, well, this is food and there is so much technology today that you can't really fail it. But thanks to my mum for the receipt.

My Old Age

Today we were told that as soon as we graduate, we will become old people. We won't tell this mysterious "I am a student", but change it for boring "I work".
Anyhow, I don't feel very much like a student any more. I mean, yeah, I can skip classes like I'd never skip work. But that's not what it means to be a student, is it?
I was damn good today at the Uni. And it felt right. It felt as if I was someone with weight, someone mighty and... I read too much Max Frei lately and get those ideas of my own greatness.
This week I've spent 36 hours non-stop with my boyfriend. We played lots of UT3 (greed and titans are cool!), watched some anime and slept for a long time. Damn, it's too cold outside to even sit near a window, so being under the blanket is the best way to survive.
We also watched HP7.1 this Tuesday. Yet again I was irritated with his "everything sucks". And one of the most offending things was about J. Rowling's writing. Her writing is good, so his critics of her style and plot was so thin-grounded that it drove me mad. Anyway, the less we talk, the better I feel. At least, I became less serious about all this stuff. I am not yet sure that it is a good thing.