The time of happiness has come and gone. I still feel good, but much calmer now. I try to persuade myself that I am still happy all the time. But in reality I got irritated and frustrated today, which did not happen last week even for a second.

The guy who loves me gives me a certain amount of uneasiness.

My system of belief in the existence of natural law and natural rights of a person (e.g. to live) was criticized today by a professor. I was the only one in class to raise my hand for I really do believe that we have the right to live from the day we are born to the day of death. And it can not be encroached by anything or anyone. Professor said that it is a fiction and actually just crap made up in 18th century to justify the intended fall of the absolute monarchy.

On the bright side I have thought about the new book that I started writing on the spur of a moment some time ago. Now I have a thorough timeline, characters relations, main plot events and even the possible sequel (ok, maybe just a hole in the plot).

I eat a lot of candies and chocolate and nice stuff. Too much, I suppose. I should revive some of the habits I used to have - like minding my diet and sleep.

My Egoism

Oh, it's all so good now. I'm smiling most of time, laughing, having fun.

At the same time my relationship gets worse. He wants my attention and I don't bother to give him that. I think he is a 'boring lawyer' type, I was afraid of becoming one someday. He does not read, oh boy how can a person not have an urge to read fiction? He said he never imagined himself being anything else than a lawyer. I am still pondering over becoming a cosmonaut!
I know what I want from people - marvels and wonders of their world.

[This post is hard to write. But I will not quit]

I really do feel good about myself. But I'm being harsh on my friends. And I've been keeping secrets from them (like watching a TV show further on, while they are misled with my words of how I don't want the story to continue for me). And I don't really miss anyone, I'm not considerate at all. All this time it was kind of all about me. Holding hands at lectures with different people, writing sms to another person. I am not cheating on my boyfriend, because he is not a sufficient part of my life. But he still tells me he loves me and all I can do is mutter "me too" back, almost automatically. It just does not feel like I want to be with someone intimately. I'm all good by myself - for the first time of my life.

I am a bad person, selfish, corrupted inside. I am still what I am, and my past remains the same.

I don't know why and how, but I finally feel good about myself. I like it and appreciate it very very much. I wish I could be like that (or better) from now on. So please, please, tell me if something is wrong and help me make it right. I want everybody to feel the joy of life I feel.

When I want to talk to someone and have nobody online, I either talk to myself or post in this blog. Here I am.

I have an exam tomorrow, for which I am not prepared. And I probably will not prepare properly because I'm too lazy and tired for that. I don't know, some people just call me a failure in my face. And maybe I am one.

Sometimes I remember that I had a plan of becoming an acquaintance to 9 000 people. But it had gone wrong somewhere.

*sigh*

Maybe I should just give up on this exam and go to sleep. Because I don't really care for the outcome anymore.

My Time to Remember

I should remember this time for I have never felt better. Everything in this life brings me joy. Every little tiny thing.
This might be connected to my recent enrollment into fandoms of Supernatural and Sherlock (BBC) through tumblr. Being a part of somethings brings security and peace to humans, obviously.
Or maybe I should put it another way - nothing brings me down. Well, almost nothing. For instance, yesterday I put a picture on the wall in social network and I knew it would be removed, but I did that anyway. The wave of sadness was overwhelming. And then I realized that I had an important experience. Don't do things that will make you sad. It sounds simple, but I dare you to try to understand and follow this advice.
Last week I have read a book which I feel to be of a great value to me. This was a book from the series 'Chronicles of Echo' by Max Frei. His works have always been appealing, but this one told me things I was ready to hear. This should probably be added to my list of things that came on time.
And last week was kind of dedicated to cherishing my relationships. With parents, who came to see me when I was ill and brought me food. I had a few long talks with father on the phone. And there was this St. Valentine's day and I drew a picture with "Family does not end with blood" as a tagline and gave it to two people. I meant it, really. I'm not so sure about one of the receiver, but the other one, for sure, is my family. Well, my real family has always been some strange thing, you might say, but still. And I said 'I love you' a few times. I am lucky to have somebody to whom I can actually say those words. I would also be a great fool not to be happy to be told the same back.

Once I saw a kid with a gun at the street.
I was walking past him and that was like one of the moments from a movie when he is a detective, desperate to find the culprit after the long and thorough investigation, so he decides to give up this case. But then he sees me and it flickers in his mind and everything fits and he realises that there is his criminal, just in his sight and he had always been there.
We were looking into each other eyes. I was passing by, the time ran a little bit slower.
After a few seconds of hesitation he raised his gun and shot me.