My Heartbreaks

He did not let me be happy even for a week. He broke my heart again. Yesterday I thought that the next one will be the last one for sure.

But today everything's changed and I don't feel the same.

When he says he does not love me, I don't believe him. He is mistaken. A person not in love won't do what he does and the way he does that.

We went to the Planetarium together to hear the lecture on black holes. I showed him to my parents, who were there, too. After that he told me he hoped I had not presented him as my boyfriend. 'No, I did not', I told him, 'because we are not dating'. Though, I think we kind of do: we watch K-on and Dr Katz together, we share our meals, we do stuff in bed, we kiss and hold hands.

He told me that I deserve better - that a person, who can love should be loved. Yet again, I don't believe him. Even if I deserve better, life's not fair. I wanted him for a long time, I wished for us to be happy together. I know I should have wished he loved me. I guess, I still do want him to love me.

I think that the one who rushes things now is him. It's been only slightly more than a month since we hugged for the first time. I don't know how it works but it gets on my nerves that he tries to break my heart so freaking periodically. Why can't he just give it a rest and have fun?

Sometimes I feel like my dreams are much more real than anything that happens when I am awake. And, well, tonight I saw another person. We chatted for a while before I went to sleep yesterday. And I've dreamed of him.

That's it. I am ready to let go.

Yes, my mind is still set on all these plans to make him love me, but my heart is not there anymore.

And I don't think it is enough. It will never be enough. It's just how it works for me.

Everything is going to be alright.

My Evening Free of Duties

I failed the last exam for an unknown reason. I am still content that I know the subject just alright.
I wish myself a great deal of patience for my family will remind me of this every day of the next two months. And this sucks much more than the fact that I will need to waste more time on this in autumn.

Anyway, the next week I will start working again and this is actually good, as my thoughts will drift away from one things to things that I will be payed for.

I want no more lies. I am in love and I am happy to think that he is willing to spend time with me. I am not going to let go, not that easily. Especially when I am sure that I can make his life better and happier just being around him with the love in my heart.

Oh, it's so good to be free of any duties, just for tonight. I really need to rest and ease my mind after all this stress of the past month.

My Fireworks

Yeah, the day has come. And yes, it was kind of like fireworks.
Whatever comes, just for a while, I will let myself be happy.
Plus, I don't think that I have to do anything. Being happy is enough for me and he does not mind, as I can see *irony*
We will not meet for a few days and - yay! - then I will be as unreachable as a full-time working person can be.
But everything aside, I have left one day before exam to read all the material again. I am a super girl, alright!
And, well, 'together we are invincible'...

Plus, this day is one of the most significant in my life, as I thought it would be.

My Small Steps and Giant Leaps

Tonight, after telling yet another person about my love life, and listening to what Vita had to tell me, I realized that I grew even stronger.
She made me feel like a giant compared to the midget that I was an hour ago. She gave me self-confidence that seemed to be fading away. Now I have even more of that inside. No one will ever break me, not at such moments of my triumph!
I have thought of how much stronger I grew from the moment when I first met the guy till the moment I told him about my feelings. But today I made a really giant leap forward. And I deserve it.

My Flames

Inside me there is a fire. And everything, everything is going to be burnt to ashes. But I am made of steel. Thus, I'm indestructible.

I am tired of being afraid and uncertain. My heart demands storm. I want to argue with people. I want to be loved and hated. I want strong and deep emotions. I want to laugh out loudly and cry till my eyes hurt. I do not want to look out of the window, waiting for something to happen. I want to grab it all with my own hands.

Yeah, but before that I will sit there for 5 more days and read wise books for my exams.

My Dreaming

Yesterday before going to sleep I read a few articles (wikipedia was the best of the sources, actually) on lucid dreams. The first advice there was to start a journal and write down your dreams there to remember them better.
I do remember my dreams from tonight in good details and as I think, I remember most of them (3 or 4, not sure how to separate them). Yes, I forget the details pretty soon after I wake up, too. But writing dreams down takes a lot of time, and describing briefly does not have the required effect, as I see it.
But that's a good start anyway - to remember so many dreams from one night.
Yet again, I tried to use dreams tonight to see a certain person, because I kind of miss him. So, lying in bed I began remembering all the time we spent together in past few weeks, but it was painfully closed in my mind. That made me back off, of course. I realized that this was the sealed place of my memories that keeps me from the further heartbreak and pain. Though, this person was at the end of the last dream, before I woke up completely - he called me on mobile and said that he was at the Uni, so I could come. I said I'd be there, and went to tell this to my parents (who were in my dreams, too). So yes, I heard his voice.
What makes me feel uncomfortable about lucid dreaming is that I love my dreams, they are bright, interesting and full of events. If I use those techniques will that go away or become even better? Uncertainty kind of keeps me from trying harder. Though, I would like to set themes for my dreams - that would give me a chance to spend my sleep time on solving relationships and ethic problems.
I completely overslept today. I wanted to wake up at 9 a.m. max, but got up at almost 12 a.m. This sucks. I have a lot to read for the next exam. So one-day preparation is not an option.

My Failed Postcard

I took books from the shelf to start preparing for the next exam. Between them was the card with "The day without you... is like a day without Sun". I wanted to give it to my (oh boy) ex-bf before he left for a few days for a conference. We did not meet anyway, and that led to not meeting for almost half a month, which led to something else, etc, etc.
Thus, what would have happened if I gave him the card before he left? Would that have saved our relationship for a few more weeks?
I am still confused at how easily I took our break-up. I know that just after it I had a really big emotional outburst, but it does not excuse me a bit.

My Painful Days

Last time I seriously cried at "Everybody hurts" by R.E.M. in my car after the Tolarian Academy last week.
And now I cried a bit after dad told me that they need my support, i.e. no problems with exams, now more than ever. And I thought that I can not live even to my own expectations, apart from others' expectations.
Ah, I don't want to fail the exam tomorrow, too. But the only thing that can help me is luck. Because if I do not sleep and study instead, I dramatically lower my chances of passing exam and being mentally stable. And I will need that tomorrow.

My Dignity and Pride

Though it does not hurt me that much anymore, I still think about all this a lot.
I ponder over the concept of 'fighting for your love' - but what does that actually mean? I am not sure that I want to do anything about this, because we have talked so much with him, and he pretty much gave me his response. So, 'fighting' will bring him uneasiness and will probably end our friendship (or whatever we have between us).
It's not that I am going to give up on anything (i.e. my feelings for him), but I want to feel good about myself, not giving this 'miserable' presence of a broken-hearted person, who is not able to let go. I understand and respect his choice, but it is not OK with me, of course.
I know that I can be with him in a long-term relationship. He keeps telling me that I imagine him in my head to be an ideal person, but that's not true. That's just that I am willing to forgive and forget, I am accepting him for what he is, isn't that what your friends do anyways? I do that for different people for different reasons. It's not because I think that my friends are the best people in the world, but the are my people.
From time to time I have to stop the flow of my thoughts for I really start imagining my future in the least possible way to come. Ah, those romantic delusions that every girl has had at least once in her life.
What I am going to say is that whatever happens between us, I want to take it with all my dignity and pride.
And, well, be it a month, a year or a life for him to come to me, I will be there for him. But I don't want him to feel bad about anything. So, I'll just be there, picking my way of fighting for the one I care the most.

My Almost Date

I had a very nice day today.
I had breakfast at McD, played magic (and won approx. 1/5 of games), held bass guitar in my hands and had a first lesson of playing it. I even got homework from my teacher.
We hung out with this guy, whom I gave a ride the other day, after staying late at the Tolarian Academy. He mentioned that he played bass, so I poked him yesterday about giving me a lesson or two. So, we met today at 11 a.m.
It's just about this big and shiny idea that will take my mind away from everything else - playing bass can do that, I guess.
And oh, how cool he looked with his bass, argh! And he kind of gives an impression of Scott Pilgrim, too *giggles*
Yeah, about the title: having free time on our hands, he actually suggested stuff like seeing a movie or going for a walk together. After I came home, in the evening, I felt like it was almost a date. Though, nothing interesting is in the cinema (or we both have watched it already), and I had my car parked near the mall, where we met. So, we just went to his place (second time I have been there, by the way - the first one when I gave him a ride home, he made me some tea at night).
I still can't remember what his eyes look like. But he really is a cool character in my life. With all his snowboarding, physics, bass, ripped jeans (but in a cute way), bright T-shirts and wristbands that match his sneakers in color - he is that comfy-cool guy and I like that.
Now I am eager to get my own bass (or lend it from someone)! I really want to practice! It's like I hear bass in every song I listen to. Yay! I am going to be a bass player!

Crappy feelings, stupid brains, why the heck it hurts so much again? I do not want to be hurt by my thoughts anymore. I am delusional that things will work out themselves, that it is going to be alright. It is not.
I am a rational person, I should understand what is happening. It is some sort of a cell, though. My thoughts keep coming back to what brings me pain.
I am not in love anyway. I am willing to invest feelings and efforts in this, but he is not. Thus, I should back off.
It's just that I've never seen someone want me so badly physically. In my system of relationships this contradicts the 'no spark' situation. Damn.

Yeah, screw everybody who feels offended by what I am writing here. This is my blog and am free to write here things that I want to.

I need an idea that will take my mind away from this. I need something big and shiny.

My Jung Tests

There is this test, which I take once in a while. I thought that it would be a good idea to post all the results here, because I have them in random blogs and it takes time to find them every time. Blogger is better for information storage and accessibility is higher, too.

In 2006:
INFJ

Introverted 56
Intuitive 50
Feeling 25
Judging 22

• moderately expressed introvert
• moderately expressed intuitive personality
• moderately expressed feeling personality
• slightly expressed judging personality

In 2008:
INTJ

Introverted 89
Intuitive 38
Thinking 12
Judging 67

• very expressed introvert
• moderately expressed intuitive personality
• slightly expressed thinking personality
• distinctively expressed judging personality

In 2010 (October):
INTJ

Introverted 89
Intuitive 50
Thinking 1
Judging 67

In 2011 (today):
INFJ

Introverted 67
Intuitive 50
Feeling 38
Judging 89

• distinctively expressed introvert
  
• moderately expressed intuitive personality
  
• moderately expressed feeling personality
  
• very expressed judging personality

My Blind Trust

Yesterday I walked my friend, holding his hand, while he closed his eyes.
I can only guess what he had experienced, but that felt good for me, too. Knowing that you are trusted warms you from the inside. He promised that he would walk me like that someday as well.
I feel comfortable with people lately, which makes me think of how much progress I made in socialising. Some things are still confusing, but I deal with it alright. And I like people, I really do. They make me feel happy, and I know that without friends I would not have been what I am. And blah-blah-blah, I am talking unnecessary stuff actually.

My Demagogy and Laziness

At the weekend I had a 'rough' talk with my parents. I have told them that they made me feel pitiful and bad about myself. And that I did not like that.
Earlier that day Dad said that he sees his children (i.e. me and bro) as demagogues and loafers. It hurt a little bit. I may seem like that when I come to their place, because they have that sleepy atmosphere at weekends, but damn it, I work pretty hard.
Plus it made me sick to see them act the way that they had been teaching us not to. It's like seeing your teacher make mistakes that he himself had told you were unacceptable.
And I was devastated to see them not care about each other. I have realised that we actually do not care whether we make each other happy. Like feeding the granny's cat - it was always the lowest priority, but damn why not do this if granny asked us and she would feel more comfortable if we do feed the cat.
Anyway, after the talk I took my bro and we left, saying something like: "let's get out of here asap'.
The next day dad called and said sorry, so did I.
It's just that lately it does not feel like home at my parents' place.

My Walk from University to Lubyanka

The title pretty much says it all.
Yui and I, we walked to the center of the city on our own, without using much of maps and transport (only our legs). That took about 3,5-4 hours (we made a big detour and stopped in the park at Frunzenskaya to take photos and rest a little bit).
We did that after the exam (I got the second 'good' mark). I had to go home change my shoes to older ones and put on T-shirt instead of my white shirt, which I like wearing on exams.
Anyway, that was superb. I feel really proud of myself. It's the power of knowing that you planned something hilarious and you did that.
We talked a lot, about dreams, time-travel and all kind of stuff, we hold hands, sang random songs (including our own song about Ireland, it's a pity that we forgot almost everything from it, though) and we had really good time together.
Plus we ate (at last) at the cafe, that Yui wanted to show me for a while. And it is a very nice and cosy place with friendly staff. We got free ice-cream, too. Very nice place, indeed.