On Hope

But groundless hope, like unconditional love, is the only kind worth having.

John Perry Barlow

My Selfish Desires

This blog has more than 300 posts now. This one is 305th.

Back from statistics to my life.
These past few days were all about me - what I want and need, how I feel etc.
Well, that gave me a chill this evening. I have told myself to stop this policy before it changes me into what I don't want to be.

I am the person who likes to help people. I want to give them myself, completely and unconditionally. And yet my desires and intentions were not that pure lately.

So, I'm going to ask myself before I do anything else: what can I actually give, and is it worth the thing that I demand in return?

I really like to see people grow, to see them think about life, while gently guiding them to the optimistic state of mind.

I was amazed at how strong I became during these 3 years that I'm writing in this blog.
I can start a conversation with a total stranger and do not feel uncomfortable about it (vice versa most of the times).
I can bear with heart break of any kind.
I overcome my fears more easily.

Though, I may be in the ashes right now, I am sure I can rise and be even more powerful than I was before. And I know that I want people around me to have that power, too. I want to bring change into their lives. I should not want anything in return, neither should I cherish groundless hopes, even if they are so tempting.

Speaking of more realistic things: I have the next exam in 3 days and I should start cramming, the sooner the better.

My Crying in the Doorway

We broke up.
It got me after a call, actually. Just a simple mobile phone call. I know I should not have cried. And the reason for my crying is somewhere else.

I cried, leaning at the doorway, sitting there on the floor. I felt that I could not move any more after I made a few steps to the bathroom.

I used quite the same mantra that I used during my first year at the Uni. It was slightly changed though.

I am strong.
Hope is a foolish feeling.
Everything is going to be alright.
I swear it's going to be OK.

My meds are working just fine. But still I could not eat for two days. And I could not get myself to sleep, and for that I mostly blame my recent sleep pattern.

It actually took me a few years to realise what I wanted. My life has been circling around this one idea. I was not blind. I guess I was afraid. I still am.

But everything is going to be alright, because I promised it to myself.

My Live TV Show

If I was a fangirl of my life, which was some drama show, I would have been squealing right now. And erm, I do squeal but with hands shaking and nearly-swooning state.

And hey, future, I am laughing out loud at your possibilities. They are so untrue that it's driving me crazy.

My Alternate Reality

I have done the impossible thing today - started the alternate reality. Unfortunately, this was kind of a closed space, so I am not really able to live in that universe. Yet, I am back to my own world. And I am not and should not be pessimistic about it.

My Placidity

Today was my first time to use drugs that makes you calm (tranquilizers they call them).
And oh how calm do I feel now. I have caught myself on a thought that I would like to feel that serenity all the time. What, only 2 pills a day? Huh.

My Expectations

Yup, I've cried again. Don't blame me for that.
I know that now my eyes are not capable of reading much, so I will have to go to bed early.
I felt pretty badly today. Set aside headache, I was gloomy and depressed. The reason is obvious enough - my soul distress. I had a wonderful evening yesterday and the next morning I learn that I just had too much hope, and hope, as we know, is a foolish feeling.
I have, by the way, realized one peculiar thing about myself - I shift my sadness to some little thing, and thus I can show all the pain and sadness I have as if it is connected to tiniest reason I can find. Today that was a plushy sheep that I've seen in the shop the other day. It was not big enough for me to hug at home and, while talking about it with Yui today I had put it as an allusion to my relationship. Whatever.
I have watched some anime in the evening, the show that I have anticipated some time ago, as I occasionally check all new shows that are airing.
Then I remembered how lonely I was, which somehow led me to try to drown my sadness in the bottle of old porter. Drinking alcohol still gives me shiver, especially not that sweet port that I have now. So, I drank it with orange juice, which was fine.
I know that I am just a moth, desperately struggling to come nearer to the fire. And I get hurt.
I just think that I'm losing bonds with people. I don't know how it happens, but it does. And I'm hating myself for I had never got those, whom I wanted in the first place.
And everybody, including myself, expect so much from me, that this deep dissatisfaction in every aspect of my life makes me wander in the darkness around the loneliest place in the world - the place where I live.
But that's good. That's fine. I am all right on my own. I will be better tomorrow.

My Never-Written Book

Last night before falling asleep one thought made me open my eyes once again. I realized that the path that I am going to choose, i.e. working in legal consulting, will lead to the outcome which was never part of my dreams. I guess that I will never write a book in the future that I'm building right now.

My Personal Stuff

Many things has been on my mind lately. But as this blog has caused a crisis in my relationship once, I have no intention to write all of those things here.
I miss Max Frei. Since I have finished reading Labyrinths my mood gradually changed for worse. I think that I start to feel depressed. More Frei will heal me maybe.
I have finished coursepaper and got 2/3 zachots. That was kind of easy. Exams will be hard, though.
I am obsessed with two things now: get fit and talk to a guy.

My One Thing

One thing does upset me the deepest: that I am not an expert at anything, nor am I the best at anything, and overall I am not a person, who possesses the greatness one should have to be followed.

My StarWars Weekend

The Star Wars weekend that I planned for such a long time has finally happened. It was divided into several parts, but I got a great deal of happiness out of it anyway. This was my first time to watch Star Wars in a row, all six movies. They were interrupted only by Thor, watched in the cinema for the second time (the next day after I saw it for the first time - it was kind of on a spur of a moment, but I surely have to revise my money- and time-spending policy).
So, Star Wars. My Geek Drive has been burning with energy for half a week, I giggled over something only I knew, and it was only yesterday that I finished watching the last movie.
Now I actually get it, why Lucas has told that there would be no more movies of Star Wars. Though, I hope he does film something on Star Wars in the future. Because it will be such a waste with all these crazy technologies that we have now.
On technologies: I have realized that with my eeepc701 as a wi-fi station with big monitor and this eeepc1005h that I'm using for work (and everything else) are out-dated together with my Nokia 5800. I look like a dinosaur among mobiles with Android and smartbooks with Nvidia processors. I plan on saving money for some new devices now. Or maybe try to wait a little longer till I work full-time in a few years.

My Eyes Wide Open

Once, on one autumn lecture I was wondering what to do to make the boredom go away. That was the lecture my friend gave me a book. That was the day I started reading Max Frei's Labyrinths of Echo.

It seems that I've been dreaming my life ever since.

This series of fantasy books literally made me during the last half year. I am sure that I started reading this when I needed it the most. It has been shaping my thoughts for such a long time, that I picked up that optimistic mood from Sir Max.
I have been working on myself harder than ever for a few past months. And I have the results that I've never hoped to receive. I guess, part of my success lies in these books.
Like Honey and Clover, Peter Gabriel and B&M, Max Frei appeared in my life just in time. And I appreciate it very much.
This morning I finished reading the last book of the series. Well, I do not intend to make this blog full of reviews of what I read and watch. So, I won't write about how much it impressed me or whether or not I consider it to be a good ending. But yes, I'm satisfied with the book.

This post is not an advertisement of the author. But is mostly another chapter to commit to the history of my life, which I'm actually writing here. Nevertheless, if stories of Max are to ever fall into your hands, don't let them go - grab them and read them. I can assure you that those will be the most marvelous stories you will ever be able to feed your starving for wonders heart.