Mein Luftballon

I overslept the first class today. I came to the last class and then ate bread sticks with Yui before going to work.
A guy gave me a red balloon at the street. He asked why I was sad after I hugged him for the balloon. And he was talking about happiness and sadness in life. He tried to give me his number so I could call him if I needed an artist (for he was one, I assume), but I was running out of time and departed. Thus I continued my journey to the work, not stopping while he was calling for me.
Going to the metro with a balloon was a challenge. There are a lot of people and stuff that can pop the balloon. So I was extremely careful and held it with my both hands. But just imagine it - a girl with an insanely red balloon in her hands with "we wish you happiness" written on it.
Total: on my way to work I had one handshake, small talks with strangers about life and happiness and a lot of smiles.
First man jokingly imitated popping my balloon with his keys. I just had to smile at him. He asked why I had this 'happiness', and I shook my shoulders and said "Just life". That man shook my hand when he read what was written on the balloon and then he waved me from the station while I had another one to go.
The second encounter was a guy who said that he was quite happy to see the red balloon and me smiling on this gray and dull day. But he did not take my balloon while thanking me for I was ready to give him 'this big bright and happy thing'. And on that I said that it's the only way it could be and he answered that in life it sadly was not. I had to go out at the next station, so our talk was short but nice. He complimented my smile, I complimented his as well.
At the office I gave the balloon to the girl sitting behind me, she played with it for a while and returned it to me. So at the end of the day I had to go with it on the metro again. People were not that desperate for happiness, though. I even had a chance to sit and read.
So, when I came to the Uni again, I decided to see Yuri, because he suggested we ate together, while I was at work. I had to wait for him for a while, but then we went and ate at McD. I had a great time. And Yuri said that he needed an artist for the art on MTG cards and he also said that everything that happened in life was for something and I should never decline such offers of the destiny. So, as I promised that guy that I would find him if I needed an artist, I will try to do that.
I will introduce a new tag for my posts: happiness. It's quite significant, isn't it?

All men dream but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible.
T.E. Lawrence

My Motto

Back at school, when I worked at the library, I came across the card with some ads about the school in Great Britain. It's motto was "Work hard, play hard". It still comes to my mind from time to time.
Once during the second year of the Uni I wrote on some trash paper "WORK first, FUN later" with big bubbly letters and put it on the wall over my workplace.
It took me my whole life to realize something as fundamental as this: you should not try to change it if your motto is not "work first, fun later" but the vice-versa. You've got to find strength in what you are right now, right here.

My Nostalgia

I feel nostalgic today. With Maria we remembered how we skipped school to go to the cinema. And I thought that I would tell this to my children (if I'm lucky enough).

I overslept the lecture today (again). Decided to prepare for seminars in the morning, but slept till 12 a.m. Then I watched new ep of How I met your mother and ate hinkali that I cooked on Tuesday. After that I met with Yuri, had a good time, really. He told me about the experiments he makes at the lab. They were cool. I know that it is kind of nostalgic too, for my bro used to tell me crazy physics stuff as well.
This talk made me think that it was so uncool of me to brag about my faults in life, and I realized that it is great when you know something and you can explain it to a person and he will be interested. And I found out that I did not know the system of governmental organs that well. I am devastated.

Now I have to work fast and focused on the subject. I have little time to prepare for tomorrow (seminars and coursework). I am going to talk to my tutor on the faculty. And I've been avoiding it for months (half a year, huh?) and I didn't even start writing the paper! I'm pretty much screwed and I'd better not see anyone today, but I said that V. can come tonight as I will go to the Uni only at 12 and he does not have to wake up early.

My 'Oh, it's Wednesday already!'

I wanted to write something meaningful here before I did some sports, listened to Russian folk-punk and showered.
Erm...
But I will make a statement instead.
I am not going to fall in any rabbit hole. I will control my life. Nothing will change this determination. I am going to rule (and rock) my world.
And I will start with an event this Sunday at the library of foreign languages.

My Moenin's Sword

I skipped last book-a-week. Not because of the drama, but because I started reading an MTG book and it does not go that well (read on the metro mostly).
So, this is the first part of the week. I work like a devil till Wednesday, and I am going to sleep now, because erm... 5,5 hours of sleep (woke up at 8.30).
I ruled today at the Uni, because I answered at labor law and made a speech on mediation in criminal law on criminology (finished working on it between seminars).
I ruled at work, too. I was praised for finding answers on difficult questions (Kyoto Protocol, Marrakesh Accords, Montreal Decisions). Plus, I asked to sign a new contract with me from 11th of April. I guess that's a good idea.
Today was a good day overall. Still a little bit sad. But I'll overcome this and move on eventually. Though, right now it reminds me of a Moenin's sword in my chest. It does not hurt that much, but you just know that it's here.
I saw two beautiful things today: big snowflakes (or better call it groups of snowflakes) falling from the sky and sunset reflecting in the windows of the nearest building facing our offices and then the same sunset on the opposite side of our building.
It's so good to live loving people around you - everyone, not keeping grudge for anyone and remembering all the great stuff that happened to you on the Earth.

My Possible Mistakes

I can't avoid writing this here (assuming this blog to be an important log of my life).

Last night I was on the phone with Vyainye. As you may know, there was the plan of breaking up with him in my head and I hoped to do that the least painful way. At the certain moment of our talk V. asked me "Do you love me? Do you want to continue our relationship?" I said that I could not answer these questions. He was frustrated at the very least. And then I asked him if he could give me some time to find my answers. He gave me 11 hours till 12 a.m. today.
I just want to say that I did not give him my answer so far. Our relationship continues. He said that he suggests us to start knowing each other again. While I thought the only reason why we stick together is because we know each other. Just imagining that I'll have to tell all this stupid stuff about me again to somebody... Wait, I'm not that person anymore. Shush.

His best friend tried to break up with his gf again. They still continue their relationship. And tonight I've told him that I had liked him for awhile. He said he was surprised, but thankful. And I've told him about that because I want him to free himself from the relationship he is in now. I want him to just know that my theories that someone can be looking for him, but he is 'taken', are not made-up crap. Well, I guess I am selfish (I am wrong, I am right, I swear I'm right... Ghem...). He told me that he wants to see me and likes being with me, but it would not have worked out. I knew it from some point of my life, too (insert link on the post where I thought I stopped liking him). So, I absolutely agree with him. Plus, I decided to live my life without regrets. I believe that everything that happened and the time when it happened was somehow right. And my dad has always been angry of 'What if...' sentences which led to dropping this bad habit of imagining myself in alternative realities after the decision is made/thing happened.

Anyhow, whether or not those were mistakes, I humbly hope it is for the best. My continued relationship, which is kind of stuck - I have told him that I hate mango and peach flavors, but it does not change a thing. And telling about my feelings - I really want it to have no (or positive) influence on our friendship.

I just feel a little bit sad. I am not sure why yet. Not sure...

My Rock'n'Roll

I had a bruise on my hand a few days ago and I was amazed at how fast it went away. I wonder why sometimes people find it 'cool' when they imagine having a lethal desease or brutal damages to their own bodies. What psychologists say about this, huh? Somehow, brain and how it works out life problems make me shiver with astonishment and curiosity.

I listened to Elvis today, even danced a little - with myself. It was fun.

I'm on the edge of breaking up. At least in my mind. I want to talk to Vyainye, but he is not around. Today he went to the guild meeting (Rift game they play together online). Stayed late there, did not come to my place. Well, I do not blame him for anything. I'm not trying hard enough to repair our relationship. I'm just tired.

Plus, a few past days I went to bed at around 4 a.m. So, today I break this habit. I'm going to sleep right now, at 11.30 p.m. (and screw time and date of the blog - I tried to change them many times before and there is still no effect).

My Possibilities

Today I gave a ride to another guy. That's my way of picking guys, I guess. Just kidding, but that's exactly the reason why I began liking and dating my bf.
Anyhow, I really did think that I'd have liked to spend the whole night talking to that guy about Kalevala or something, and we took our time walking from the metro to my car, and I drove far too slow.
We finally ate together with Yura today. And he told me that he liked to know my opinion. That was one of the best compliments (and I don't get many). And, following the advice of a friend, I did not mention that I liked him (and hit me with a brick if I don't still).
I suppose, sometimes you don't have to bring drama to your life, it finds you.

Tonight I was on the phone with my bf and he fell asleep. But I could not just end the call like this or he would have woken up to the short beeps. So, I waited till he woke up on his own, I simply listened to his changing breathing. He did wake up after a little while and told me he was really sleepy. I could not help laughing because I was there awake for him. And he told me that I could laugh if I had found it funny for me, but he wanted to sleep. It was not the way I had imagined this episode to end. So nah.

And we spoke about his hatred and his last gf today. And I said that I am sorry for not bringing him joy and love enough, because he still thinks about her and he can't let it go. I personally think that if I was a better girlfriend he would have just accepted their break-up. And then I thought that I am not an exceptional person to somebody's life. Well, I know people who are these life-changing and exceptional for me. And I don't mean being a good friend. No, that's something different, ephemeral if you want. That's when you think about someone and you know that just one glimpse at her/his life changed yours forever. For me, they are Daria, Varya, Tanya from my English language courses. It was more about me, actually. But isn't everything in life all about you and how you deal with it?

When he says he loves me, I can't say it back.

My Small Miracles

Oh, it's been a tough week, mostly these past 3 days.
Full of work, they had a few miracles, too.
I made friends with a guy from the faculty; got acquainted with a guy on the street whom I've seen only on social network (always smiling in the photos).
And last week I've won my first MTG draft (3rd place, got a foil card as a prize).

My granny starts fearing that she does not know me. I can sense that from her phone talks. Yeah, I am keeping everything to myself when it comes to my family. And lately I am avoiding telling the truth to them - like where I am, what I am doing. Because I don't want to hear that I'm not right here and there, that I'm acting stupid or not responsible enough.

My work gives me fulfillment. I do become an expert somehow. I guess they will not fire me this April.

My Numbers

3 hours of sleep, 4 cookies, 2 candies, 3 eggs, 3 crisps, 1 potato.
I could not get to sleep last night. It seems that today I am not going to have a good sleep either. I've already tried to sleep, but then decided that I'd better eat, and cooked potatoes. It's strange, but my cooking gets worse with time.
Today was pretty much a pointless day. Just routine stuff.
My bf tells me that I do not bring joy to him. Yup, I'm not a sunshine, honey. I know I can be happy, but it uses too much of my mental energy. So, I try to be calm and stable.
I'll go to draft tomorrow, I guess. Though, this is not my favourite type in MTG.
And I will not watch this stupid Fairy Tail anime anymore. He did not start watching my series, so whatever.
I fell tired now. I guess I will sleep at last.

Talked to brother and he said that he could arrange the internet on the faculty. Maybe this would be better to provide the board with the thought-out plan with necessary contacts etc.

Now I will go to sleep, because I have work tomorrow.

My Internet Revolt

I am officially stating this:

I am going to get us Internet on the faculty.
Free wi-fi Internet for everybody!

Now you can applause me.

Some ideas to convince the board:

1. sites with laws, news, dictionaries, encyclopaedias - because that helps the studies, increases the potential, plus updated info, which you can confirm during the lecture or seminar.
2. social networks and some other sites may be blocked (probably find the guy who sets the Internet in the nearby building - they have some nice policy on that).
   

My Past Few Days Thoughts

At least - some of them.
So, I was thinking why did I drop writing, while it gave me the best moments in my life. Like, I remember writing till 7 a.m. and it felt good. And living to write seems pretty nice to me.
And I've come up with the next answer: I did not have time for it. I had to deal with much stress in my first year of University, so I just stopped writing and watched anime instead. I was not smart enough to put the stress into writing and there was not anyone to guide me through my life, helping me making good decisions. I am not sure whether or not I should regret it now. It is the past anyway. Thus, I can begin to write again.
I might fail in being a good author, becoming famous and raising money from my books. I guess this should count, but in reality I come to question my everyday life. I want to put some idea into my living, some passion and purpose.

I've met a guy on the queue at McD yesterday. And he was bright and he looked pretty handsome, he did some sports, obviously. And I thought that it would have been nice to communicate with a person who invests into his look and controls his life. I mean to know a real person, with whom I can talk and ask something. I would have liked to share experience with him. At the same time I know that most people do not give a damn about others and there is a fairly small amount of people have a sincere intention to help others, which is sad, but understandable.

My Importance

I've just re-watched 'Social Network'. I'll have to look whether I had a post on that the day I went to the cinema on the movie. Because I pretty sure that it had the same effect on me and I wanted to post about it.
So, misery aside, I still want to do something big.
I don't intend to brag about my life right now. It's a great life, because it is mine and everything is pretty good now. Except I still have 37 degrees while not lying in bed (don't do that anymore) and a sore throat in the morning.

I had a lot of stuff on my mind these past days. Beginning from the need of changes in my life, ending with changes in the world.

All the resolutions that I make, what they will lead me to and what will come out of my struggle on the Earth, I don't know. But I surely want to life a meaningful life. And making changes would be nice, too.

I saw the 'Adjustment Bureau' today, too. But it was not that impressive. I have expected more from the script based on Ph. K. Dick. I got roses and tea (with mango and peaches flavors - most hated, a few times mentioned to him) from my bf as today is a women's day.

My 'Karn'ival

Yup, posting every day.
The title is about Karn, the silver golem from MTG, as I searched for cards with him.
Went to the doc today. He is too strange for my taste. I'd prefer them to cure me, not to ask me why I want to be healthy.
Anyhow, it's almost spring out there, never mind the fresh snow.
Cleaned my new harmonica (was actually a present for new year).

My First Pancakes

Nothing big happened today, because I stayed at home again. I'll go to the Uni tomorrow for sure.
I baked my first pancakes. They were the first which I made all by myself. And they sucked.
And oh, I watched a great movie - "Leaves of grass". I just love Ed Norton and his acting. Plus, the plot was good.
My bf came to see me tonight. I really missed him. He still has those jokes about me and whether or not I am in a relationship with every girl I know. Today I told him I had plans for seducing his best friend and he backed off. Huh. Anyways we re-watched the good old "Naked gun".