My last post of the year 2009

Pretty embarrassing to be blogging 5 minutes to the New Year.
Happy New Year everyone.

I guess I will change the system from Gentoo KDE to Ubunchu in the end.

My 2009 year: credits

Yup, it's this time of the year again. So, I'm making a list as a year ago.
In 2009 (in no particular order):

1. I matured. Really. I have become stronger.
   
2. I lived a month without meat.
3. I applied for two coursepapers. One at the department I'm planning on entering the fourth year of University.
   
4. I read a lot. Not as much as I could, but still I'm content with myself.
5. I got a driving license! And more than that I got a car. It's not mine but I can drive it alright. Almost any time I want.
   
6. I became smarter. Without doubt. And more realistic as well. Plus see point 1.
7. I ceased communication with my future husband (I can't believe I called him that). This is sad, but I knew this would have happened sooner or later. That's what things are in this world.
   
8. I gave much thought to the inspiration matter, as well as motivation.
9. I signed up for the State Library. For me this is a great accomplishment because I like libraries.
10. I have passed two exam sessions already. Quite successful, as I became the second year student.
    
11. I felt affection to yet another girl. She got an axe and went home. Sad stuff happens. But I'm getting used to it.
    
12. I found some good old music - kind of discovered it for myself. It brought me peace and happiness.
13. I have signed for free French courses at the University and now I'm attending them. Got a zachot already.
    
14. I re-watched several favorite animes, not every one of them though. I watched a lot of dorama and movies and series. Actually, I wasted a lot of time for that.
    
15. I traveled to America, Washington, DC.
16. I began feeling more lonely. And I got a habit of sighing.
    
17. I became less girly than I used to be or so it seems.
18. I ruined my summer. August in vain. I'm happy I got out of this pretty healthy. Because what I was doing at summer was bad.
19. I stammer more than ever. It's pretty funny, actually.
    
20. I changed.
    

So, this is it. Maybe I'll think of something tomorrow, because it is pretty late already. Maybe not. I'm actually looking quite optimistic at my past and my future. I;m waiting, I'm searching and trying hard. I'll survive and succeed because that's what I was created for. (Is it that simple?)
I lived another year full of joy and sorrow, fun and hard work, dreams and failures. I lived another year of my life.

My month without meat

This post should have been there yesterday for I began eating meat again on 25 of December.
Well, through this trial I have realized a few things. For example, that I can go without meat and fish pretty good. I actually ate eggs and diary so I got enough proteins, I guess. I consumed fish oil in capsules frequently, too.
I had almost no health problems with switching from one diet to another. Though, I am not sure about eating meat again - I felt somewhat sick yesterday evening and today morning but I think it all was about my last zachot and nerves.
And I now know that one can really acquire a habit doing something for 30 days. I do not want to eat meat now because I got used to avoid it in my meals. I actually thought that I did not eat meat all my life and almost forgot its taste. Now its taste is not that good for me.
I cannot say that the time without meat was better than the time with it. I did not really notice the difference. Maybe I gained some weight because I ate carbs as a substitution for meat.
Then I would like to mention that my friends were not supportive at all, they made stupid jokes and asked stupid questions over and over again instead of giving me strength and inspiration. I was irritated and depressed because of this. My family did not approve this at all and kept telling me the same damn things that I know quite good every weekend so that I was even thinking of not going to my parents' for a while. And mum kept forgetting that I was a vegetarian for a month. Oh, it was hell.
Anyway, I did this for myself and it kind of gave me some courage and raised my self-esteem a little bit for now I know I can do things. For a student it was not much, of course. I did not eat much meat before that, too. But opposing my parents was tough.
This trial certainly goes into my experience account. It was fun to undergo this trial. So, I'm already thinking of another one to drop bad habits and acquire good ones.

My last week of December

This one is the last week of December because the next one will be Dec-Jan already. Ah~ it's the end of the year. Unbelievable.
I did not work hard this week yet.
Monday was spent on going with my Dad to take his car to repairing. Then we discussed life goals. After that we both slept till the evening.
The next thing I remember beside watching dorama is French zachot on Wednesday. That day I went to Avatar movie.
Now it's the end of Thursday. Today I did little shopping, cleared the whole apartment listening to nice old folk music, packed presents for New Year and watched dorama.
It's the dorama week, alright.
Oh, I have drunk so much liquid today, that I feel like I am a bubble filled with water. I also tried to eat everything that can go bad in less than a month, but was not that successful.
So, this week I didn't read much, didn't study much. I surely have cried much, ate much, watched much dorama (too much maybe).
Haha. Today one funny thought has crossed my mind. I want a husband, not a diploma. It surely would have been nice if I had a person to fill my life with meaning.
Also I have thought of a non-existing pal who is able to inspire his friends. And I am not sure if there is even one, because I doubt that I am like that.
That's strange and funny, but I am still searching for the type of a person I want to be. Why being myself is no good is quite understandable. What is the 'belief in yourself' anyway?
I must go to bed now for I have French early in the morning and I hope that I will not oversleep because then it will be a disaster.

My Time Machine

My friend is back. He bought me something, but still did not decide what to give me as a souvenir from Germany, so I'm waiting (that is funny). I almost did not miss him. Almost.
Now I'm looking out of a window at the night and all the lights are trembling. Thanks *** I'm not a fly to see shimmering of the screen. Haha.
I am re-watching Japanese dorama called "Nobuta o produce" and I realised that I have accepted a lot of thoughts and ideas from the series. It is kind of like a part of my life philosophy.
At breakfast I was thinking of the time machine and I found out that I do not want to come to the past and change anything like being more studious and getting appreciation from certain profs. I do not even want to come further in the past to see what was it like in Medieval times or even earlier. I would have liked to go only to the future. To see what no one has ever seen and to know what is still unknown.
My bro said to me a little while ago that we are now as close to the singularity as we have ever been. But I doubt that it is close enough. I suppose that every minute brings us closer and the next minute is surely the closest one. It's logical. Well, I'm not optimistic this time again.
Back to my real life. I have a lot of work to do this week, but the next week will be:

1. the last week of studies before the NY and then exams (I'm planning of not going home next week and study berserk-like for the upcoming exams and zachots)
2. the last week of being a vegetarian (I'm sure you are waiting for this post as much as I do)
3. the last week of this unconditional cold weather (hopefully, it will last only till Wednesday)

I've learnt today that I will have to study for one more zachot on French and I do not know what I should do and know for it. So, this Friday I will talk to the teacher.
I admit regretting the wasted time I should have spent on thinking about studying and actually studying. But I don't think it will change anything. It's like my mum said - I will become better through time. It is just me and the world which I'm going to change. I want this world to be comfortable, safe, friendly to me. Am I being childish? Surely. I am a child. And I'm going to really change something in this world. I want to make difference. I want to breed people so that they will change for the good. I want to save their minds from rusting, I want to get them to think about what they are doing in their lives. I want to make them realise that being good to others is natural, I want to make them better persons. I want to show them the real beauty of things like love and friendship, tolerance and kindness. I want them to see the world through my eyes, to experience things that I experience. I want to help them change themselves. I want to give people part of my heart, I want them to sympathise with me.
Ok, I'm still not crying. Is it selfish to say all this? I'm sorry for being rude. I want to change myself too. I am still not the person I want to be, but I know that I am the person I made myself. And I know that I'm capable of anything. I just know that the time will come when people will listen to me and make this world a better place with me.
I do not need a time machine because I am the time machine, which is going to bring the dreamy shining future.

My sad time of the year

The saddest time in the year for me is the week when students are told that they've been working hard and they get their exams' marks without taking exams. That's not that I'm envious, that's just that I'm terribly angry with myself. I am not stupid, I'm lazy.
I lack self-discipline and I hate that time when everybody who was working hard and were not shy to talk in the class get appreciation from profs. I never get it. I'm not that studious student. At these time of the year I want to listen to LP.
I am not living up to my expectations, so what am I hoping for? Hating myself for loving myself too much - my mind blows up with that thought, really.
I have little hardships in my life. I can get whatever I want. Why do I not work hard? Is it the lack of upbringing? I can't say that. These thought are lame. I should blame only myself.
I'm stressed out again, I'm not eating well (setting aside being a vegetarian, I eat too much carbs and not enough veggies and vitamins), I'm tired of this sudden cold, I'm tired of not sleeping much, of watching stupid series and not doing much for Uni. I'm tired of being lost. I'm tired of being depressed.
I will die so why even bother. What difference can I make? What is this all for? Ah, I'm being such a teenager as I'm still asking these stupid questions. I should forget about that and do some work, some useless things which are not going to take me anywhere I want, because I don't know what I want. I should not give it so much thought. I should drop this philosophical questions, should I?

My Inspirational Life

In the dark room I was standing on my knees. Tears were streaming down my cheeks never stopping. I clenched my fists and whispered:

I am strong. I am happy. I will succeed. I will be able to do anything. Through these tears I will grow stronger. I will succeed. I am strong. I am strong.

I kept telling this to myself in a breaking whisper. I have been bitterly crying that night.
This scene comes to my mind again and again - or does it ever leaves me?

That, I think, is an inspirational story. My story.
I can find inspiration in my own life. I am the source of it, am I not?

"Know yourself" sticky-note is on my wall since the end of last week.
I want to go on a self-realization trip. I have been planning going home from the University a pied (French for "on foot"). That's a pretty long journey. But now it is so cold that I am literally horrified of that opportunity. So, once it is warm enough for me to breath freely outside the house, I guess I will consider taking the challenge. Or in summer, after I pass all the exams for the next year. It seems so long, but I know that "time waits for no-one" and I will be surprised again at how calmly the days flow by.

My Winnie the Pooh Quote

"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

-- From A.A. Milne's Winnie the Pooh

My 18th December

Yup. I've got new plan.
So, there are the goals for this December of 2009 (the remains of it):

1. Finish all the books I'm reading now (Lord of the flies, Vishnevski, Darren Shan's 3rd book, Strugatskiye, THGTG)
   
2. Have plans of work for two coursepapers and talk to tutors on this
3. Get all works for the semester done
4. Begin restoring the lost info on Palm (because these stories are dear to me)
   
5. Prepare for the exams (read acts on constitutional law, write all the info needed for philosophy and read lectures + add from books for international law)

I should divide and plan my work on the 5th point here. I guess I will do that on Google calendar.
I know that it will be painful to go back to my 2009 year plans, but at least I am conscious about it. I will post around the NY time on this matter. And I guess I will come up with the next plan for 2010.

My search

First I thought I was lonely because I did not have people to spend my time with. Now I hang out with friends quite a lot and I'm feeling as lonely as ever.
My cheeks are itching because of tears. I've been standing beside a window in a dark room and thinking sad thoughts.
Maybe that's because I miss him, maybe that's because I liked him, really liked him and not seeing him at least twice a week make me feel lonely? Who am I kidding? This is not the reason, that would have been too simple.
He is far away, he is getting acquainted with new people and what am I doing? Crying over my life which is definitely not like I want it to be?
When I'm telling everybody (mostly to convince myself) that I'll always be 12 years old, I know that at that time I was naively in love for the very first time in my life. I suppose at that time I already wanted to kill myself. I doubt these are the best years of my life. But being a 12-year-old kid was fun: not knowing what a terrible thing this world is, not regretting anything, not yet being this sceptical and critical of others because of your own mistakes, feeling safety.
I'm bragging like an old person, am I? Or saying so makes me look even more self-centred and thus pathetic?
Will I be able to find a few pals with whom I really would like to spend the hours of my life? Or should I just settle down and take people around me as they are, accepting the reality and giving up on dreams?
Am I better all alone? Should I just let it be? Should I believe that someone will save me someday? Or should I throw myself into the world and search?

My high spirits

I want to inspire people. But I am sure that this can be achieved only by hard work of oneself.
It is undoubtedly inspirational to look at the person who dedicates his strengths and everything to the thing he likes to do. Passion is inspiring.
I am quite excited because I wrote something. It was during the lecture. About half a page actually, nothing serious. Haha, I've been thinking of going in for cosmic law but still have not formed the final opinion.
I am re-watching Honey and Clover this week. It is still very emotional to me. I like to reminiscent about what I was when I watched that for the first time. How dreamy and romantic I was. And what thoughts I had at that time. So nostalgic.
I have to develop my willpower. I went to the canteen today instead of going to the library and doing some work on the coursepapers. I had to do the plan till tomorrow. I will go to my tutor(s) next week because of that. I really should stop this depressing socializing. Though, it might help me to make myself a better person. Or is it that my friendship is what depresses me? This thought is coming to me again and again. I should really enlarge my socializing range. I talked to Yarik today. Ah, he is such a gamer. No good as well, but a new person alright.
I attend classes of French and this is quite good. I feel that I can do things (probably because I used to learn French back at school). But anyway what makes me feel good is good.
I should not forget to make up an English Debate Club next year. Do I sound like a certain student of the Rushmore Academy?
This is my 7th day of being a vegetarian. 23 days to go. I began to have headaches lately. I am not sure that this is the reason, but I'll try to find out. If my headaches are not gone within a week I'm going to drop the practice of being a vegetarian. And I am not sure that my high spirits lately was caused by the diet, too.
I decided to do all the homework for Mo and Tu during the week, so I'll go now.
Bye-nee!