My Deceipt

The sadness is almost unbearable. Everything that comes to my mind tries to crash me down.
I can't even hate myself for my mistakes. I can't set any penance for myself either, I'm not that strong. I'm too sympathetic with broken people.
I work too slow, I waste my time, I am not that knowledgeable and my memory holds on to feelings only.
It's a wonder how I still manage, but then again I have lost a will to die long ago. And now I'm losing my dreams and aspirations. Can I please die inside too if I am dying outside?

While I mend some parts, other parts of life get cracks. 

I feel so lonely being with the one I don't love. But I'm good at screwing things up. I thought I would last longer, though.

Coffee will be my medicine today. I have rarely felt so sad in the morning. But life keeps going on, which is a little bit annoying. And yet again I will trust myself that I will change and everything will be alright. I will be deceived again.

My Lonely Path

I have a feeling that I do what lonely people do. And I hang out with lonely people just because of our mutual loneliness.

I look in the mirror and do not recognize myself. My eyes changed. My clothes do not suit my body any more.

Soon my consciousness will adjust to the current state of my life. But my mind numbs upon my will to distract myself from gloomy thoughts. I think I still will have moments of uncontrollable laugh or giggles and those moments are almost the only ones when I feel happiness. And I am grateful for them.

And I will do what I have to do. But am I a person who stays by her word? Should I try to keep stupid promises I made to the person I did not really know. Should I keep any promises even if they are worthless or am I more practical and cold-headed person? What are the principles by which I should live?

I have a lot on my mind but time whooshes by and I can't slow it down. It's probably better this way - I don't have time or strength to be sad.