My Hocus Pocus

I am doomed to do stupid things. But as my destiny unfolds, I think of them as happy experiences and I grow on being more & more content that it's going to be alright.

I don't believe in no destiny, though. But defy-your-destiny plots are utterly touching for me somehow. That's probably because my parents decided a lot of things for me.

As the title may suggest, I have finished Hocus Pocus by K. Vonnegut, which once again made me wonder why I love this author as I don't really get probably half of the things he puts in his novels.

And he always writes as if the reader was an alien and knew nothing of the Earth and its history or traditions or geography. Which I fancy very much.

Just because some of us can read and write and do a little math, that doesn't mean we deserve to conquer the Universe. ~ K. Vonnegut

My Coming Back

Nah, it's not talking to friends, it's not a hot shower, not reading or lousy singing to the music - it's only one thing that can help me bring serenity to my mind. Writing everything that comes up in my aching head really should help. I believe so.

So, I was lying in the bed, trying to get a much needed rest, and I was writing a letter to a boy. The boy. I could sing him 'You could be my unintended' tonight. But it has always been more like something from Blink 182.

My letter would probably go like that:

My dear N,

This letter is full of deeply emotional things. I would like you to read it, though you are free to ignore it or save for later. But this is what I feel like. 

Remember how you have put your name on my arm and thus I became yours and yours only? This is not going to fade away.

I know that you have a romantic soul. And I believe that you were waiting for something like this to happen, wishing for an incredible and outstanding event in your life. I guess that is why you have already had this kind of relationship before. Your heart was looking for this, longing for this.

Generally I am not superstitious or religious, but I can't help thinking that we were meant to meet and develop a relationship we had. It was a sheer miracle, don't you think? All the world kept bringing us together, moving us closer to each other. And we carefully built a new shining house on the foundation of our past, our dreams and inspirations. It is ridiculous indeed how fast we have grown to care for each other, how much passion and chemistry was between us. I want to think that we had this chance for some reason and we can't just let it slip away like that.

I do not suggest we deny everything else in our lives - this would be foolish at the very least. Not today, not tomorrow - but sometime we can make it work. We are capable of many wonderful things. And we have already proved this once, we can bend the Universe so we would have another chance. Together we can reign over the kingdom of our own creation. I want you to remember what we have already had. Can you imagine how good it can be in the future?

Yours and yours only,
X. R. L.


I should probably resume my work on the novel. This can help my coming back.

That's how I feel tonight.

I feel miserable. No regrets, but I want miracles in my life.
And my life right now seems unbearably disgusting. Because I imagined a better one.

But I know how it works for me. I just have to have a good long sleep. And I will have dreams that will take me far far away. And I will never be the same yet again.

So yeah.

Misery and pride is what I'm made of tonight.

... and then we broke up.

"I had to laugh like hell."

My Colorado Sunrise

I have been to Colorado this summer. I got so much sun, I literally became a happier person! It's like charging my body with vitamin D under the bright warm sun. 300 sunny days per year! We have only 20!
That is not the only reason for my happiness. I have encountered this state of mind earlier this year. I never realized the reason and could only guess what brought me so much happiness back then. But now I know the exact reason for my present state.
I met a person who shares the biggest amount of my interests than any person ever did. They vary from books and movies to three Rs (Reduce Reuse Recycle) and exploration of space. No wonder we were finishing each other sentences the first day we met.
Now we are trying to sustain a long-distance relationship. We had so little time together that I still can't believe we had a chance to develop a romantic relationship. It is incredible how good everything turned out for us - timing for meetings, circumstances that brought us together. A real miracle, I would say.
Who knows what's going to happen? I hope for the best. Well, I can't feel blue when I have so much energy from just thinking about the existence of such a person somewhere in the world. And bumping to this person is simply the most wonderful thing that have ever happened to me (so far). I just don't know what to expect next, because life gets better and better every time.
Somewhere deep inside me I still expect the worst. I think that I might crash and my fall will be the hardest of all I've had. Who knows, though? I tend to overthink possible outcomes.