My Past Happy Times Analysis

Today I sort of came out of the closet - told my mom I fell in love with girls as well as with boys. It's nice to have parents who have worked all their lives in science, because after my confession we talked about how civilizations used to die occasionally because of homosexual culture. Huh.

It is a fairly good day today. I try to stay positive. I guess this is a vital part and should be my challenge for a while - I certainly lack the ability to let go of sadness and guilt and just relax. When I find myself smiling I shyly change my thoughts to how I haven't started my coursepaper yet or how difficult the upcoming exams are or how I should do stuff at work etc.

I am still analyzing (yup, do that a lot) that time I was happy for a few weeks. Was I high? Just kidding. But I've come up with the following reasons of my sudden happiness:

1. Appreciation of myself as I am (I was complimented on my body on a frequent basis at the time)
2. Highest performance of my geek drive due to new series of Sherlock, SPN fandom and tumblr
3. Awareness of friends and family support (though, this may be a consequence)

Now to where it all have gone:

1. The compliments ceased to happen and I gained some weight because I did not have any diet plan and I still do not have a habit of doing sports systematically
2. Geek drive is still intact, but I have reached the ongoing in SPN and I have to wait a few years before 3rd series of Sherlock. Geekiness is my best source of happiness, actually - nothing to complain about here.
3. I've lost friends on the way, who were precious ones. You lose some, you gain some, alright. But still the tragedy remains. 

I know myself pretty good now to say that I've got to reason with myself. Like what is the point of being overstressed about exams while they are yet to come and I was pretty much successful at the last 'session'? Well, there is of course no limits to self-development, and I've got a lot to work on.

My Espionage for Mordor

I've participated in my first role-playing game dedicated to the world of the Professor (i.e. JRR Tolkien) this weekend. The game took place in the forest not so far from the city, where we came late in the evening to spend the sleepless night near the fire.

As a spy from Mordor, I've accomplished something, but was killed together with my ally, whom I found on the way to the fire camp. I've acquired a letter from one gnome, who was on his way to gnomes in other mountains. I also took a ring (turned out to be not the Ring) from a hobbit, who died on my arms. But taking a sword in my hands and using medicine on others were my mistakes. Nothing helped and nothing could actually save me, I was already bleeding with 1 hit left when two strikes from monsters of the darkness finished me. Now my body is pretty bruised (which I find strangely pleasing).

During the whole night I was the one who took up a duty to keep the fire and lighten it more when monsters approached. That pretty much saved me from strong suspicion - who would do bad things to the young girl who takes care of the fire, which gives so much warmth (it was too hot sometimes because I put cones in it for more heat) and light to scare off the creatures of the night?

I am no fighter and have weak fencing skills, but when the time came I took a sword from elf, who could not fight because of deep wounds and I tried to protect the camp from the north. I killed a monster but was hit by its claws (my first wound). After this my destiny was decided on heavens and it was not long before I died. My last sight was the weakening fire and my ally, dying right beside me - horrible and frightening scene. But everything faded and a beautiful creature in white dress spoke to me of frailty of my previous life, lightened my burdens of unfulfilled goals and took my hand to lead me to my path to eternity.

The eternity was amazing with its hot tea and buckwheat with meat and onion and friends' talk and everything that happens after a good role playing game in the forest.

The road back to the city was slightly scary because my friend was at the wheel and he was too tired to drive, so I had to keep him awake. I, on the other hand, was strangely alert (I suppose that watching the Sun rise woke me up) and did not go to sleep till 11 a.m. - I drove to my parents' and talked to them over the breakfast. I went to sleep after that and slept for 7 hours, then got back to my place and slept till morning.

I was slightly shocked yesterday by the fact that Dad decided to give my car for repair for 4 days. I was still shocked by that when I woke up in the morning today and realized that I have to get to work in 1 hour somehow. I arrived at the furthest metro station in the office surroundings and was late for 1.5 h when I finally got there, but that happens on Mondays occasionally. I actually enjoyed going by bus and then by metro - I could read a book (re-reading Sherlock Holmes, which I grabbed last week at parents') and stare at strangers without constantly worrying about how not to hit cars around me.

I am pretty sure that I will not attend a lot of role-playing games outside the city starting from now. But I am very happy that I took part in a few. Sometimes I go back to the memories of 'Firefly: at the edge of the Universe' and 'Camelot', which were the best games I had so far. And I remember fun stuff from other games, too. I'd like to be a master and help to create and organize a game sometime - that would be a challenge and so much fun!

Links on goal setting

I've been doing an internet research on goal setting recently. These are the links I find helpful and worth reading:

1. http://topachievement.com/goalsetting.html - 7 easy steps by Gene Donohue

2. http://www.mindtools.com/page6.html - thorough article on the Mind Tools (which is not fully free)

3. http://zenhabits.net/really-simple-goal-setting/ - nice and inspirational article on goal setting by zenhabits, which made me a fan of the blog

My Chances

I should go to sleep because I feel upset. But my hair is wet and it will take a while before it dries, so I can write about how sad I am. Hopefully, it will lighten the burden.
I've been kind of ill for the past week, and I did not have a chance to stay at home and heal properly. I am still coughing. My physical state might be a reason.
What saddens me, though, is life overall.
I will probably live a very ordinary life with its griefs and joys. The older I get the less I believe in love and dreams and happy endings. And I feel pretty old now. It sounds foolish, I know. But what are my chances? Chance to meet a person who will be good to me, chance to finish the book I started, chance to become much better at drawing... Chances are slim.
And the more I try, the more I understand that what I do is not enough. And I have no will to try harder because what I've seen so far got me frustrated and suspicious.
When I thought I had these feelings called love I let my beloved crash me. I am broken now, tried to repair it, but I seem to keep falling back. Once you know how to destroy feelings, you can do it again. Yet what I never really learned how to do is how to fix it.
I would like to crave for publishing a book. And I want to believe in the miracle of love and the possibility of meeting this one person someday. But is there such a thing out there, and if there is, what are my chances?

My Night Call

People rarely call me. When my home phone rings it's either parents or granny or the nicest people from marketing research centers. And my mobile is for texts or quickies before meetings.
I had different phone conversations so far. I heard a person falling asleep and heard his breath on the other end of the line. I cried over the conversation and after it, too. I got phone calls that made me very very happy.
I am still very nervous talking over the phone, it makes me all jumpy and hectic - especially when I am surprised by the call. I almost never sit when talking, prefer to wander around the flat restlessly, coming to the window and turning around and coming back again.

So today it was like "Hey, it's easier to talk than to write, right?". Oh, err, right. But still that was one hilarious phone call from a guy I barely know. I could not stop laughing for a while, too. Maybe that was whiskey (there is no better medicine for my cold than whiskey with hot water), maybe that was just what it was. Sometimes life is fun and simple.

My Foggy Night

It was a long day. Studying till 6 p.m., one more hour to talk to friends and fool around, first episode of Quantum Leap at home (brows, oh boy!), contemporary American poetry and then running to pick up a boy to go for car maintenance at 12 a.m.
Yup, because it's the only time for repairs, obviously. We were like the only clients at the time, but they had refused to put me on day-time schedule because I only had a light bulb to change. (Logic? What logic?) My baby is fine now. And she's clean and beautiful, too. Afterwards this boy took me to eat sushi and we watched a movie with Meryl Streep at this restaurant on their big screen. The movie was funny and the whole evening was cosy and nice.
Then I drove the boy home and he got out, while I had to turn around. Going past his house again, I saw him standing there leaning on the wall, in his Sherlock-style cap and old jacket. We waived goodbyes and I drove off to foggy streets of the city at deep night. For the first time I drove through such a thick fog that you can see no more than 10 meters ahead.
And it just felt so good.

My Talks (about Piles of Crap)

Everybody suggests you do not suffer and struggle inside. You go and talk to your sibling or friend or anyone and seek help from them.
I always talk and spill out my problems and feelings. I just wonder why doesn't it feel better afterwards? Why does the crap keep piling and you come again at the same spot you've been?
Well, it helps at first, alright. But the problems remain and it always is up to you in the end. You. Alone.
No one really helps because they don't want to hear crap, they have their piles, too.
And even though I am sure that you have to talk, it's only because it eases the pain inside, removes the itch to grab something sharp and stake the damn problem's heart with it. Taken literally, that would be trouble.