My Veganism

I've been vegan for two weeks already. And I pretty much like it. I've been vegetarian two years ago for a month and it was a challenge of will for me — I wanted meat all the time. Now it's all different. I do not want to eat food from which I abstain. And I do that consciously, too.

So, the benefits are:

1. I eat more healthy food. I cook for myself, because I can't find many foods that are purely vegan. But, believe it or not, veganism brought more variety to my meals.

2. I concentrate better (or so it seems). It is less stressful for me to get up, too. But I did not get any rise of brain capacity or anything yet. I doubt that I will, actually.

3. I became less emotional and more self-reserved. Maybe that's not connected to my diet, though.

4. I started reading what's written on the package. I have found out many peculiar things about stuff I eat.

There are some downsides, too:

1. I get a lot of critics of the way I eat. And it is absurd. Moreover, it frustrates me. I want to try new things and new experience, and people want to stop me. I am a rational person, I will not let myself bring damage to my body and – of course – to brain.

2. Almost all fast-foods and cafes do not provide food for vegans or the choice is limited or it's expensive compared to other food. The most surprising thing was that Starbucks do not have anything other than tea for vegans. I counted on them.

I have expectations from this veganism trial:

1. Better cooking skills. I cook more than before, and I see my skills improve. I started trying more spices and their mixes and combinations with different food. But I feel that I'm kind of limited without eggs, because I really want to try baking. I have forms for cake.
   

2. Healthy eating habits. I almost never eat fast food, eat less sweets and consume more vegs and fruits. That might be one of the reasons why I feel healthier now.

3. Knowledge of foods and needs. The knowledge of which vegs are full of proteins or where the iron/calcium can be found is useful.

My vegetarian stuff goes pretty well for the second day.

But I'm drunk again.

Is it really me?

I feel intoxicated and ugly.

Routine sinks me in. But I am fighting for my conscious self as hard as I can. And actually, I've got a lot of power in me.
I bought a simple paper organizer to write down everything and stop forgetting appointments and things to do. It gave me a chance to take a look over my life and plan in advance.
This week I am going lacto-ovo. I remember doing this in late 2009. People were unsupportive back then, they stay pretty much the same. Yet I'm doing this for myself. Lately I've been tracking some changes in my food pattern - I do not enjoy eating meat that much any more. Plus, I want to eat healthier. Going lacto-ovo and then vegetarian will at the very least restrict me from fast food and unhealthy choices I make when eating out.

Yesterday before sleep I pondered over some ideas and this morning I wrote a story. I am not very confident and content with it. It is not a story of happiness but it has a happy end.

I also noticed that I have started to mind my look more than before - doing all this make-up and dying my hair with henna...

By the way, new seasons of my favorite shows have started. So, once my new computer works properly (which I start to doubt) I will watch the episodes.

I have been avoiding blogging for more than half a month. During this time I have completely lost track of time. What did I do yesterday or last week? I have almost no clue.

I am ashamed of what I am now. My moral code was shattered and burnt to ashes. Yeah, some unbreakable basis still persist but I do stuff I thought I’d never do because of my principles. Now I find it pretty much tolerable to smoke or swear out loudly. I do not do that around other people – because my trash is my trash. I do not want people to hear unpleasant stuff or feel the smoke of cigarettes.

I have felt lost when I started doing these three taboo things: smoke, drink and swear. I am not that serious into these activities, but it still frustrates me. The good thing is – now I am a much more tolerable person. I can’t judge people for what I've tried and did for some time.

I was frustrated at myself for the past, for destroying the shallow possibilities, which might not have been any more real than they are now. Ok, saying simpler: I should not have done what I did, because my deeds and words contradicted each other in some sufficient parts. I have thought about it before, but from time to time it all comes to me, hitting harder than ever. Thus, one day I decided that I am not a person I used to be, that I do not deserve some things in this life and can do whatever other people do to destroy themselves. Cigarettes producers promised me death from lung cancer and I embraced the idea without thinking about it much.

I still do not give myself time to think about this. Because when I do (for instance, yesterday I thought about the lost possibilities again) it hurts physically. This pain reminds me of my teenage angst youth, when I could cry through the night, not able to stop the tears. Now my pills get me through the nights somehow.

It sucks.

At around 4 a.m. today I decided to stop swearing at least. I consider this as an unnecessary emotion outburst and a heavy way to express your perception of this world. I do not like when people use harsh language around me. I do not like when I swear.

Actually, I do not like myself. My denial of me is not yet complete. I doubt that I will ever cross the line when I can say without hesitation that I hate myself. I mean, I still have the brain which works finely and entertains me from time to time with peculiar ideas. And I drive a car like a pro (especially when parking in impossible places). I do have positive look on some aspects of my life.

Though, the inability to – strictly speaking – manipulate feelings of other people makes me feel miserable. I still do not get how love affairs arise. What can be done to make a person fall in love with you and why simply giving everything to him does not work? I want to show that I care but it looks pretty miserable – even from my own point of view. I believe that I have completely lost the chance to make it the way I want it to be. It’s whether I made fatal mistakes or just do not deserve it. And that would have been the end of it, I could probably live with the thought and let my affection for this person go, but…

My dreams are uncontrollable. Every night I see him in my dreams. He is as real as he is when I see him. We spend a lot of time together – be it bad time or good time, we are together only in my dreams. We meet rarely in real life. Damn, that “IRL” sounds stupid. And yet again my dreams are much happier and better than my real life. They are the reason why I have lost track of time. One night we have been playing MTG in my dreams. Yeah, it was with all the impossible and marvelous special effects of dreams, but I actually felt that I play much better during the next event. Or the other night we went hiking for at least a week, I felt exhausted during the next day, because we have walked a few hundreds of km. There are other dreams, too. Sometimes I wish I could share them with this person. These dreams are good.

The other reason for my forgetfulness of events in life is that I stopped blogging. Writing everything down helped me to remember and put everything in the right order. I will write here again.