Maybe I am better off alone. I bring distraction, guilt, dissonance and chaos. I am not the best I can be. I do not possess the inner strength for which I longed for so long. I am stuck and tired of asking for help while never really letting people to help me and never appreciating it. I alienate people who care for me by telling them things I should never say. I do not even have courage to say those to myself. Who am I to judge people? No, I do not have the right.
My heart needs loneliness to bleed it out in the darkness of the night. And I need people to shame me and show me how foolish I am.
Right now I am willing to give it up and fall asleep. It's not that the stuff is difficult. It's just... boring.
G'night.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
My People
It took me almost 20 years to realize that the only way to heal your heart is to ask people to mend it.
Today I turned off my engine and got out of the car at the parking near the Uni, where I have just come after my work. I took one ChocoPie from the boot (I am a recent fan of those desserts and have a big pack of them in the car). Then I went to the guy who was sitting on the fence (we have those small green fences everywhere). He was eating something and I just decided to make a company - for myself mostly.
I did have plans for the evening - to meet a friend of my bro, but we did not decide this properly and he did not contact me yesterday, so I thought 'whatever' and went home. My boyfriend went to play MTG. My bro works late somewhere everyday since last week. So, I tried to play my evening differently today. And it was worth it.
I remember how at the age of 15 I started writing one marvellous novel (never finished it, of course) about the family travelling around the island (which was the only land they knew). That was the time when I put 'talk to different people' in my list of goals (yup, I was making lists since... birth?). I wanted to experience stuff through their stories (it's much cheaper and much broader - different from your perception anyway). Now I begin to talk to people, really. Last week I had a little conversation with a guy who took away some misplaced ads for movies at the cinema in the nearest mall. Well, all that just means that whatever goal I set for myself, eventually I come to the point when I subconsciously start achieving it.
And today was much better than ever. Today's guy gave me some of his pickled pattipans (which he got out of the jar with a knife - for me, and with a pen - for himself). 'Cause he told me that my ChocoPies are no good, he told me that as a doctor. I accepted his gifts and - with a smile on my face (I should practice that more) - ate with my dirty (very dirty after the metro) hands. Yeah, and happy I was. He kind of told me his story. He is a great guy, a travelling-type, just like Martin (a good friend of mine from France). Today's guy (we never asked each other's names) travelled around the Europe without money (nah~) with just a backpack and a thumb up high in the air (that's my euphemism for hitch-hiking). I envy guys, who can just put themselves in such a danger and stop showering for a while (that's a res mortalis for a girl).
Maybe he was just a guy, who loved to talk about himself, maybe I was a good listener, but we had a good talk together. After we parted I had one of those happiness attacks, when you can't breath properly because of the positive emotions inside. That's certainly a good thing as I smiled a few times on my way home. I hope that guy thought about me with a smile as well.
May our roads cross again, I will be glad to see him (screw grammar in the name of poetry).
I won't tell you his story - you've got to have your own precious talks to remember. I just want to say that I start to embrace the world, seeking the cure for my shattered soul (a.k.a. screwed-up mind).
Today I turned off my engine and got out of the car at the parking near the Uni, where I have just come after my work. I took one ChocoPie from the boot (I am a recent fan of those desserts and have a big pack of them in the car). Then I went to the guy who was sitting on the fence (we have those small green fences everywhere). He was eating something and I just decided to make a company - for myself mostly.
I did have plans for the evening - to meet a friend of my bro, but we did not decide this properly and he did not contact me yesterday, so I thought 'whatever' and went home. My boyfriend went to play MTG. My bro works late somewhere everyday since last week. So, I tried to play my evening differently today. And it was worth it.
I remember how at the age of 15 I started writing one marvellous novel (never finished it, of course) about the family travelling around the island (which was the only land they knew). That was the time when I put 'talk to different people' in my list of goals (yup, I was making lists since... birth?). I wanted to experience stuff through their stories (it's much cheaper and much broader - different from your perception anyway). Now I begin to talk to people, really. Last week I had a little conversation with a guy who took away some misplaced ads for movies at the cinema in the nearest mall. Well, all that just means that whatever goal I set for myself, eventually I come to the point when I subconsciously start achieving it.
And today was much better than ever. Today's guy gave me some of his pickled pattipans (which he got out of the jar with a knife - for me, and with a pen - for himself). 'Cause he told me that my ChocoPies are no good, he told me that as a doctor. I accepted his gifts and - with a smile on my face (I should practice that more) - ate with my dirty (very dirty after the metro) hands. Yeah, and happy I was. He kind of told me his story. He is a great guy, a travelling-type, just like Martin (a good friend of mine from France). Today's guy (we never asked each other's names) travelled around the Europe without money (nah~) with just a backpack and a thumb up high in the air (that's my euphemism for hitch-hiking). I envy guys, who can just put themselves in such a danger and stop showering for a while (that's a res mortalis for a girl).
Maybe he was just a guy, who loved to talk about himself, maybe I was a good listener, but we had a good talk together. After we parted I had one of those happiness attacks, when you can't breath properly because of the positive emotions inside. That's certainly a good thing as I smiled a few times on my way home. I hope that guy thought about me with a smile as well.
May our roads cross again, I will be glad to see him (screw grammar in the name of poetry).
I won't tell you his story - you've got to have your own precious talks to remember. I just want to say that I start to embrace the world, seeking the cure for my shattered soul (a.k.a. screwed-up mind).
Saturday, November 13, 2010
My Lifestory
Can you sit down right now and write the story of your life?
That's what I am doing for NaNoWriMo this year. I am certain, I will not be able to write 50,000 words this November because I have started a few days ago and write about 1,000 words a day, which is not enough. As they show me, I will finish on January 1, 2011 *nervous laugh*
Tonight I have listened to a lot of good music. Some old songs, some I've never heard before. This is my inspirational playlist now.
I have a fake feeling that I am starting to get control over my life. It is 1.44 a.m. Really, very much conscious living. By the way, I learned about Steve Pavlina's separation only yesterday. This was a sad thing to learn, because I thought he was smart enough to manage a long term relationship. His divorce is kind of frustrating. I knew he was getting crazier in his ideas, though.
I have shortened my curtains and now I have some amount of white cloth, which I am totally going to use for my crafts. Maybe I will finally sew a book cover, hm? We'll see about that.
Tomorrow's going to be a good day, because I do not have plans to study, but to spend time with a friend. I have high expectations, so I'd better go to sleep.
That's what I am doing for NaNoWriMo this year. I am certain, I will not be able to write 50,000 words this November because I have started a few days ago and write about 1,000 words a day, which is not enough. As they show me, I will finish on January 1, 2011 *nervous laugh*
Tonight I have listened to a lot of good music. Some old songs, some I've never heard before. This is my inspirational playlist now.
I have a fake feeling that I am starting to get control over my life. It is 1.44 a.m. Really, very much conscious living. By the way, I learned about Steve Pavlina's separation only yesterday. This was a sad thing to learn, because I thought he was smart enough to manage a long term relationship. His divorce is kind of frustrating. I knew he was getting crazier in his ideas, though.
I have shortened my curtains and now I have some amount of white cloth, which I am totally going to use for my crafts. Maybe I will finally sew a book cover, hm? We'll see about that.
Tomorrow's going to be a good day, because I do not have plans to study, but to spend time with a friend. I have high expectations, so I'd better go to sleep.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Our History
We have been dating (and known each other) for about 7 months now. We have history. And what is adorable - we can remind each other of some nice stuff we had/did together.
Ah~ sharing memories with someone is a good thing.
I will surely ask him about what he remembers better, and think of what memories I cherish the most.
Ah~ sharing memories with someone is a good thing.
I will surely ask him about what he remembers better, and think of what memories I cherish the most.
My Week of Truth
Last weekend was the hell that I created with my own hands. I wrote a letter to my beloved that I would like to break up with him because of his recent deeds (he went to play MTG without asking about my plans). Well, the letter is not a conversation, and he came to see me after classes. We talked for hours (approx. 6 hours) and somehow we decided to be together even after he told me that he did not give up smoking (which he promised me months ago).
On Monday I told my parents and grandma that I stayed at his place because we kind of blanked out till it was too late to go home (1 a.m.) which was totally true for I would not have stayed if it was not that late. Grandma did not believe me, which offended me so much that I acted stupidly (not talking to her about myself and my plans etc.).
On Wednesday I felt tired and irritated. I wanted to start writing for NaNoWriMo, but slept instead.
On Thursday we went to the Palaeontology museum. I drove the whole way to and from the museum and so I got tired in the evening again and I finally broke out in tears in front of him. All this week was complicated and stressful and I felt really pressed by my problems. He took it as if it referred to him and was kind of angry with my behaviour. Actually, my tears were one of the highest signs of my honesty and trust. But yes, I made a lot of stupid things during this week. And I should not have cried in front of him - that was my weakness.
Friday was not a national holiday for lawyers (obviously, because lawyers don't sleep or rest), so I had classes. I screwed up and was not ready for the work at class. And yet this was not my greatest failure of the day. He asked me about my plans for today (he himself went to some party at his friends' place and won't be back till tomorrow) and I knew why he would ask that - only if he knew the answer already. But no - I did not tell him the exact real plans of meeting with our mutual friend. I am not even sure why I skipped this part - I just decided that it was not worth knowing for him. He resented me not telling him about the meeting.
Anyway, meeting with friends is a good thing. That friend made me feel a little bit more sure about certain things. Plus he is a person who can help me with good advice for he knows my beloved far longer than I do. And I want to be sure I do the right thing, because I sincerely want us to be happy together. That's just my mind and people around me who give me doubts about everything like social status, mutual interests, behavior of the person in love... I am still taking things too seriously.
So, this week shook my harmony with my life.
But I am in love with him, and my life and I know I will manage. Somehow, it will work out. Everything is going to be fine. It will be great. Better than ever. I am sure because I am going to make it happen.
On Monday I told my parents and grandma that I stayed at his place because we kind of blanked out till it was too late to go home (1 a.m.) which was totally true for I would not have stayed if it was not that late. Grandma did not believe me, which offended me so much that I acted stupidly (not talking to her about myself and my plans etc.).
On Wednesday I felt tired and irritated. I wanted to start writing for NaNoWriMo, but slept instead.
On Thursday we went to the Palaeontology museum. I drove the whole way to and from the museum and so I got tired in the evening again and I finally broke out in tears in front of him. All this week was complicated and stressful and I felt really pressed by my problems. He took it as if it referred to him and was kind of angry with my behaviour. Actually, my tears were one of the highest signs of my honesty and trust. But yes, I made a lot of stupid things during this week. And I should not have cried in front of him - that was my weakness.
Friday was not a national holiday for lawyers (obviously, because lawyers don't sleep or rest), so I had classes. I screwed up and was not ready for the work at class. And yet this was not my greatest failure of the day. He asked me about my plans for today (he himself went to some party at his friends' place and won't be back till tomorrow) and I knew why he would ask that - only if he knew the answer already. But no - I did not tell him the exact real plans of meeting with our mutual friend. I am not even sure why I skipped this part - I just decided that it was not worth knowing for him. He resented me not telling him about the meeting.
Anyway, meeting with friends is a good thing. That friend made me feel a little bit more sure about certain things. Plus he is a person who can help me with good advice for he knows my beloved far longer than I do. And I want to be sure I do the right thing, because I sincerely want us to be happy together. That's just my mind and people around me who give me doubts about everything like social status, mutual interests, behavior of the person in love... I am still taking things too seriously.
So, this week shook my harmony with my life.
But I am in love with him, and my life and I know I will manage. Somehow, it will work out. Everything is going to be fine. It will be great. Better than ever. I am sure because I am going to make it happen.
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