I've watched some videos of 500 days of Summer. My fave scene in the film is when they meet in the lift and she tells him she loves the Smiths. What he says after she goes out makes me laugh. I doubt there are a lot of people who watch and love Fox Searchlight movies. My Mum can't bear them.
It's just that I think that every step I take I draw myself further from some people. Everything I do makes me lonelier. Yeah, we all are different, no one will understand us better than ourselves, but... It's just life that casually makes you alien.
I have created a concept which I do not want to be proven untrue (huh my language!):
People who are more like you are your friends. But you make your lovers those, who are different.
Oh well, you know what? Screw it. I'm too young to talk about life.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
My Inception
I watched the movie. And it was good.
And it inserted an idea into my mind that I would like to be exceptional by doing something better than others. It was strangely connected to the certainty of a romance between Arthur and Ariadne. She was just a good student and he was just a good point man. And they've met under some strange circumstances.
Anyway, who would not like to be exceptional? And I have doubts about what path should I choose to become that exceptional character.
You know, even if I'm not doing it, it still feels like I am writing every day of my life. Everything I see I can turn into words in my head without pronouncing them. I did not drop writing, I have been doing it all along. I remember the feeling of writing and I surely can't forget this February. But - I do not know why - I do not materialize my ideas. It is sad. Will I ever start writing again?
I have made so much plans already for the next few months. I even made a list of things I need to do overall. But oh my, I don't feel like I will be able to do this stuff.
I can not see my future now. Everything worries me so much, my hands started shaking again and I have uncontrollable movements of my limbs. I doubt it is because of work, but that is a possible reason.
I have taken up sighing again.
Erm. I want him to come back. I want to think I'm in love again. I want to think I am loved again. I want that safety he gives, since it seems I'm falling somewhere deep into my worried unsatisfied head without him. I want him to ease my mind like he did before. And I am forgetting him when he is not around. You know, time passes strangely in my world.
It could have been anyone, you say? I know it is a lie. I have evidence that he was the only one. And he still is.
And it inserted an idea into my mind that I would like to be exceptional by doing something better than others. It was strangely connected to the certainty of a romance between Arthur and Ariadne. She was just a good student and he was just a good point man. And they've met under some strange circumstances.
Anyway, who would not like to be exceptional? And I have doubts about what path should I choose to become that exceptional character.
You know, even if I'm not doing it, it still feels like I am writing every day of my life. Everything I see I can turn into words in my head without pronouncing them. I did not drop writing, I have been doing it all along. I remember the feeling of writing and I surely can't forget this February. But - I do not know why - I do not materialize my ideas. It is sad. Will I ever start writing again?
I have made so much plans already for the next few months. I even made a list of things I need to do overall. But oh my, I don't feel like I will be able to do this stuff.
I can not see my future now. Everything worries me so much, my hands started shaking again and I have uncontrollable movements of my limbs. I doubt it is because of work, but that is a possible reason.
I have taken up sighing again.
Erm. I want him to come back. I want to think I'm in love again. I want to think I am loved again. I want that safety he gives, since it seems I'm falling somewhere deep into my worried unsatisfied head without him. I want him to ease my mind like he did before. And I am forgetting him when he is not around. You know, time passes strangely in my world.
It could have been anyone, you say? I know it is a lie. I have evidence that he was the only one. And he still is.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
My Merry Dream
Ok, it's been almost half a month since last post. I can't say that something has changed, though. My beloved had come back and went away again, my practice continues, my belly is growing. Well, everything is like it was 12 days ago.
I skip my breakfasts now (mostly because I oversleep), it does not help much, though, since I do not move more than before. And I feel hungry in the evening, too. I am chewing some bread sticks now. By the way, I like stick-shaped things like bread salted sticks, straws, pencils...
Today I had a very strange dream. Well, I know why I had it - I did some research on pre-marital sex in the evening. I dreamed of me marrying my beloved and having some cheating/sex problems the very next day of the marriage. I don't know why he made me suffer so much, but this dream was a chasing one - I was chasing him, seeking him, longing for him. The dream was filled with so much love - my love - that the thoughts I had before falling asleep seemed absurd in the morning. The thoughts were supposed to help me not to worry over the fact that he is not writing nor calling me and miss him less.
Anyway, I was surprised at how many of my real problems this dream had:
I realized that stuff like this - your own emotional experience - changes something in you. The marvel is that you do not know and can not even guess what your partner is experiencing. I would have liked to tell him about my dream. But I tend to forget or miss the moment to say something like this. Do I need to do that anyway?
It's a pity I can't talk about books with him. But I'm lucky to have people around me, who read a lot, so I can even ask for advice.
Plus I hope that I will have a lot of time again this year at the University and will spend it more efficiently.
I skip my breakfasts now (mostly because I oversleep), it does not help much, though, since I do not move more than before. And I feel hungry in the evening, too. I am chewing some bread sticks now. By the way, I like stick-shaped things like bread salted sticks, straws, pencils...
Today I had a very strange dream. Well, I know why I had it - I did some research on pre-marital sex in the evening. I dreamed of me marrying my beloved and having some cheating/sex problems the very next day of the marriage. I don't know why he made me suffer so much, but this dream was a chasing one - I was chasing him, seeking him, longing for him. The dream was filled with so much love - my love - that the thoughts I had before falling asleep seemed absurd in the morning. The thoughts were supposed to help me not to worry over the fact that he is not writing nor calling me and miss him less.
Anyway, I was surprised at how many of my real problems this dream had:
- my sexuality
- the thing that I liked a friend of my beloved (it was before I met him, but it still haunts me)
- my lust vs. my innocence
- lack of nice stuff my beloved says - he claims he cannot express his feelings
I realized that stuff like this - your own emotional experience - changes something in you. The marvel is that you do not know and can not even guess what your partner is experiencing. I would have liked to tell him about my dream. But I tend to forget or miss the moment to say something like this. Do I need to do that anyway?
It's a pity I can't talk about books with him. But I'm lucky to have people around me, who read a lot, so I can even ask for advice.
Plus I hope that I will have a lot of time again this year at the University and will spend it more efficiently.
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