My Two Months in Vain

Hello World! (Just spontaneously wanted to begin this post with that)
No sadness right now. Summer has come to an end. June was not a summer month, it was rather winter time because of all these exams. So, I only count July and August as my summer.
I planned a lot of things to do. To be frank, I did nothing of that. Zero.
Finally, I'll make a new list of things I've actually done (seen etc.) this summer.

• Went to Washington, DC. Liked it. Regret I didn't make dogtags with my name in Air & Space museum. Next time, maybe. I thought the trip would change my life - it didn't change it as much as I thought it would.
  
• Got driving license and learned how to drive to University and back. I'm on my way to being a Bee Train girl.
• Decided to keep Gentoo with KDE 3.5 instead of Kubuntu with KDE 4.2. When KDE 4.3 comes out I may change my mind.
• Watched a few episodes of ST TOS. Not a great accomplishment, ok.
• Read 6 books: A. Green (The shining world), Orwell (1984), M. Grimaud (La ville sans soleil), Salinger (Zooey), Stowe (Uncle Tom's cabin), I. Stone (Lust for life), and a few stories plus finished Murakami book plus began Slaughterhouse-five.
• Thought about life which didn't get me anywhere.
• Watched a few anime shows, re-watched some episodes of Code Geass, Toradora.
  
• Watched a lot of films, some worth watching and others not. Began watching X-Men Evolution, which I used to like when I was a kid.
  

I know this is not much. But it still is something important that happened.
I could have written a lot of things I didn't do during these two months, but it would be too troublesome.

My Fanboyism

~Think twice before you touch my girl~ *la-la-la*
I love this song, found it yesterday while watching fanvids on X-Men. Rogue/Wolverine, of course, which I dig now (as I always had; if they ever acknowledged that pair and made it real in films at least, then X-Men series would have had a success like Twilight had, imho). This song is for Scott/Jean/Logan, though. Damn, I love Logan. He is so cool, manly and independent.
Oh, they can travel in time now and moreover - backwards! Gosh, Mr. Spock was crying. Oh my. Their personalities are so peculiar.
Ok, that sounds more like fangirlism but ftw.
I remember myself watching Honey and Clover for the first time. I'd been watching it for more than a year (if not two full years). That's the way I am: finding things I like and make them last as much as I can manage.
I'm going to my - erm - autumn-winter-spring house. Nah, I'll just go there for a few hours to clean and wash everything. But that's great. Somehow I'm full of energy now. Maybe the reason for it is my fanboyism over X-Men, ST TOS and my memories of everything cool that I've touched in this big world of dreams and illusions.

My Answer

She asked me if I wanted to meet her.
And I said no.
I am afraid of seeing her, the girl who changed my life, the one I love the most.

I was not impressed by the second novel in a row. Maybe my book list is not for me? 56 books left.

My Dessert Dreams

My Dream has a shape of Subaru Impreza WRX STI, 2006 year production. It is blue, the exact Subaru's blue color, with golden wheels. It is not only that I dream of that car. It is the way of life I dream of. The better one.
I am always bragging about my life. I am highly pessimistic when it comes to my abilities etc. I want Subaru, but I also want to earn it.
Once, I wanted to enter the best university in the country, and I'm in. Now I want the good car, my Dad is going buy it for me. Everything's quite perfect. But I feel that it is not the thing I want him to do. I need to feel the price of getting my Dream.
Jumping to another topic -- Some time ago I realised that I do not want to have power. But isn't that strange? Isn't it natural for a person to longe for power over other people, to talk, to make politics and to do that kind of things? Yeah, I know some people are not made for those things. Maybe I am one of them.
I miss my bro. He's got that girl and he lives with her for a few months now. He does not call me frequently. Now everyone's got someone here. And I feel even more alone. But that's ok. I can't imagine myself with someone (though, I can and so this is a lie, but it is a nice lie that makes me feel a little bit better as if I do not have the dreams at night where I am with friends who are being kind to me). I feel that my bro can do much better than he does now. But asking myself again and again I come to the simplest answer: in the end people only do what makes them happy. But do I do what makes me happy? I guess I am...
Living in the world for me seems like eating a pie. And I feel like now I am only eating small parts of it - those, which comes from the sides. And I still have a long way till I will be able to eat some with berries filling. This bite will be sweet and sour at the same time, just like the life is. But I do not know if I will ever try a single berry from this pie. I realise how ignorant, how weak and how tiny I am now before the immense knowledge that the world holds. I want to eat as much of the pie as I can while I'm still alive. Well, I like to enjoy my dessert to its fullest.

My Peak of Splean

Jonathan Swift - "May you live every day of your life."

I like REM. This group is hilarious.
Watched The Sky Crawlers which has a very lonely and desperate story. Mamoru Oshii in all his grace. I failed my plans on the very first day with this anime movie.
Maybe I am really ruining my life. Maybe.
And yet again I know that my pride will not forgive me if I fail driving exam. Never, never. Till the next month, I mean.

My 101th Post

I will not sing. This post is as ordinary as my life is.
I am doing well at my driving classes. Though, I need to do some more tests in the nearest future.
I am sick of anime for now, watched a 24-episodes series and 6 eps of Endless Eight of Haruhi Suzumiya in a row (awesome stuff, but you will understand my feelings if you know what this arc is about).
Well, I was tired yet excited about these 6 eps today, so I tried to talk to my parents about it a little bit. They did not want to listen, of course. I was so naive *nervous laugh* Dad said that I would regret not reading classics now and wasting my time on something stupid. I partly agree. But that is an old talk between me and myself.
From now on I declare that I will watch only Star Trek and read books from my large list. Also I will do exercises because I need some. These are my priorities for the next week at least. Besides driving classes and getting early, I mean.
Mah, summer is almost over...

My Long Way

I am not genius and realizing that you are average is a little bit painful. I guess that's a common courage to live with that thought of your ordinary life, going to metro, despising people around you, still going with crowds of them heading the same way.
I do not enjoy conversations and interactions with people. I can't say I do not feel anything: a little bit of fear and uneasiness. In the latest conversation I even stammered once. Yeah, practice is what I need, but it is also what I don't want. Why talk with people if you do not enjoy that? To kill thoughts about how lonely you are? No way, that makes it even worse. My heart is not beating faster when I meet somebody - even if it does, the only reason for it is fear to speak.
My memory is good either. I read and forget, I forget a lot of things. I do not mean something like meetings or classes, but the ideas, thoughts and facts. My brain is not capable of many things, it is not well-trained, after all.
What I am doing with my life, what I am dreaming about and what I do to make it real - this makes me sad. But I cannot say I am not the person I should be. I do not know what I deserve, who knows that?
Maybe I should do more positive thinking. "Positive something is better than negative nothing" the poster in Jimmy Maguire says, but anyway.
I can do it if I want, but something stops me. I can learn languages, I can be one of the best students, I can have friends and appreciation, I can like myself. I do not, though.
I am changing, I am growing up, but it is still a long way for me to realize something that will help me to become a great person. Still a long way.