Loosing something

I feel that I'm loosing my bonds with reality.
Today was my first failure - I did not know how to answer for the question when I was asked. And that is mostly because yesterday I did not prepare much for today.
And of course the first (ok, at the very first I laughed at myself) thought that have come to my mind was - "the wrong choice". Damn I like English most of all other courses at the University. And I even had a chance to learn what I like.
I still watch a lot of anime and I spend a lot of time in the Internet. I should study more. But those are just the words with no real meaning behind them. What is the truth that I have to understand?
There at the University I met a guy who has understood (or so he says) a very important thing - spending your time on nothing (it was an online game in his case) is worthless and it will not get you anywhere. I was quite impressed by those ideas.
Why I do not give up on watching anime? What I personnally think about this is that I try to forget about stress through this. And it really works. Only now do I understand how much troubled my mind is all the time. And during the sleep-time I still worry about the problems. And thus I do not have enough rest no matter how much I sleep. But - this is pitiful as I am breaking myself, falling into the dark hole more and more.
I am to cry. I groan from time to time from the pain in my chest. I am not sure if I can handle this - all this.
For the past year (or was it even more?) all that I have been doing is reading posts in one's diary (blog you may say) and not commenting it, I even do receive messages when this person writes smth in the blog. I read this to get some info about how the person's life is going and what is happening around this person.This person only calls for me when there is nothing else. I do not know how much I can believe of what the person shows me. "I missed you so much?" the person says? That's bulls**t. I am afraid and so not even trying to change it somehow. That sucks. What I am trying to accomplish? Why the hell I still cling to the past? I want to be with that person - yet I do not want to. I am selfish.
Why am I not the one I want to be? I lack willpower? (But of course I do.)
So what is the truth about me is that I am "a failure as a human being". That is it.
I am not trying to get anything at all.

P.S. Listening to the Simoun soundtrack and thinking about Honey and Clover because of Nodame Cantabile and their similarity by genres - this gives me a very-very sad feeling that in its turn gives me the real pain in the heart. Why am I smiling looking through the eyes, full of tears? My personality is still somehow splitted - I have two myselves - one is acting fearfully of the future, wanting the past to come back and the other me is laughing at everything the first me is trying to do. Who am I again?