Exciting Depression

Today I (yet again it will be a list):

1. Got prepaired for all the seminars like it was my last chance - I mean I worked so damn good yesterday. And what happened? Nothing. Nothing again. I am quite angry.
2. My "friend" drank some of my cola from my cup and I wasn't able to drink after him. Grah, I hate it and I don't like him either! So I borrowed the price of cola from him and bought myself another cup.
   
3. My computer is slow. That's not what I did today, though.
4. After I got so disappointed today I watched some episodes of Nodame - a lot of them actually. Meh.
   
5. Two guys and me, we searched for a certain room in the main building and that was fun. Totally fun.
   
6. My cough is still horrible. My head aches because of it (or because of anime and crying a lot).
7. Also I rewatched two random episodes of Honey and Clover and listened to some old music, too. So my nostalgia made it even worse.
8. I ate the whole can of sweet maize and cheese biscuits.
   

I am depressed. I gave a lot of effort and did not get anything in return. I feel sick. I want to have a good rest.

links - remove later

http://xiena.tadalist.com/lists
http://www.timeanddate.com/
http://www.rememberthemilk.com/home/xiena/

Exhibitional Day

I've been to the Education UK exhibition today and:

1. Drank a bottle of good free tea;
2. Got a lot of information;
3. Now I have: 3 notebooks and 6 pens and many booklets;
   
4. I bought some cosplay things (uhuh, not cosplay, of course that is just for me - I feel like I'm cosplaying Yoite in that kind of coat and in that hat) and I bought a new jacket and new sneakers;
5. I ate at the nice cafe;
6. I met new people;
7. Got tired.
   

But well damn it. It is 2 hours to wait till the last episode of Code Geass downloads. I am nervous.
What I do not like now is that I have not enough time for the things I like. I do not know why, but comparing to the last year, I have less time. Though, I have had courses and homework etc. Maybe I should do more plans and control my time better. Hmm.
One more thing about myself. I am not active because I have too comfortable life and I do not want to move forward, to distract this comfort and calmness that I have around me. I am like Miharu from Nabari no Ou with his words: "I want to live a carefree life". Be more active, damn it (I am damn'ing too much).
So, I spent this weekend on doing household chores, going to the exhibition and doing some shopping. I got tired, I still feel not well.

Last thing:
Gods are gods because they are immortal. They are immortal because they are gods.
That's it. Never thought about the idea. It is nice and I'll use it.

I wonder...

... if I've matured at least a little since I finished school.

New Experiences

Today I:

• was surprised by the lecturer (in two ways)
• met with my friend back from school
• went to 2 libraries at the University
• thought that it is very interesting to be a student
• saw the whole city from the 28th floor
• felt that it is not good for me to be ill (and for my heart too)
• starved at the lecture
• read some magazines at the library
• ate some good stuff in the main building
• watched two episodes of Nodame Cantabile

That's it. I feel so bad that I would not have gone to school if I were to go there tomorrow. Meh, I guess I'll have to go tomorrow anyway. I have been ill for a week now. And I have a high temperature again.

So I watch Nodame Cantabile these days. It is quite good because it motivates me (anime does not motivate to work, but to watch more...). And I think that I have to work harder, too. That is all about having an example in front of your eyes and being an example for others. I really do not know much of what hard work is, and I'm yet to understand it.
Tomorrow I have English and Theory that I have to prepare for.
Erm. Gotta go to sleep, hehe.

Links

http://www.getrichslowly.org/blog/2007/06/13/the-power-of-yes-a-simple-way-to-get-more-out-of-life/ - this is a good and useful article for those, who are afraid.
http://www.adprima.com/studytips.htm - some weird study tips.
http://www.mdx.ac.uk/WWW/STUDY/TIMETIPS.HTM - great advice for students

Loosing something

I feel that I'm loosing my bonds with reality.
Today was my first failure - I did not know how to answer for the question when I was asked. And that is mostly because yesterday I did not prepare much for today.
And of course the first (ok, at the very first I laughed at myself) thought that have come to my mind was - "the wrong choice". Damn I like English most of all other courses at the University. And I even had a chance to learn what I like.
I still watch a lot of anime and I spend a lot of time in the Internet. I should study more. But those are just the words with no real meaning behind them. What is the truth that I have to understand?
There at the University I met a guy who has understood (or so he says) a very important thing - spending your time on nothing (it was an online game in his case) is worthless and it will not get you anywhere. I was quite impressed by those ideas.
Why I do not give up on watching anime? What I personnally think about this is that I try to forget about stress through this. And it really works. Only now do I understand how much troubled my mind is all the time. And during the sleep-time I still worry about the problems. And thus I do not have enough rest no matter how much I sleep. But - this is pitiful as I am breaking myself, falling into the dark hole more and more.
I am to cry. I groan from time to time from the pain in my chest. I am not sure if I can handle this - all this.
For the past year (or was it even more?) all that I have been doing is reading posts in one's diary (blog you may say) and not commenting it, I even do receive messages when this person writes smth in the blog. I read this to get some info about how the person's life is going and what is happening around this person.This person only calls for me when there is nothing else. I do not know how much I can believe of what the person shows me. "I missed you so much?" the person says? That's bulls**t. I am afraid and so not even trying to change it somehow. That sucks. What I am trying to accomplish? Why the hell I still cling to the past? I want to be with that person - yet I do not want to. I am selfish.
Why am I not the one I want to be? I lack willpower? (But of course I do.)
So what is the truth about me is that I am "a failure as a human being". That is it.
I am not trying to get anything at all.

P.S. Listening to the Simoun soundtrack and thinking about Honey and Clover because of Nodame Cantabile and their similarity by genres - this gives me a very-very sad feeling that in its turn gives me the real pain in the heart. Why am I smiling looking through the eyes, full of tears? My personality is still somehow splitted - I have two myselves - one is acting fearfully of the future, wanting the past to come back and the other me is laughing at everything the first me is trying to do. Who am I again?

Crazy day

Crazy, but lucky day for me. I did a lot of useful and necessary things:
1. Now I have a paper for a metro card for students.
2. I was not late because of the metro paper (see above) though I had a lecture in the other building. I ran and the lecturer came even later.
3. I bought a book that I'm going to read now - I will take it everywhere with me because it is not that big. And it is in English becuse I an afraid of loosing this knowledge that I do have now.
4. I ate at the legendary Canteen for 118,60. Meh. I was one of the last ones there. It closes at 4-30 p.m. and I got there at 4-28 p.m.
5. I took a book from the library for a year. Yay! That was tough because they still do have these paper catalogs where you have to find the book and its author and then write a request and go with it to the other place (it's next door) and wait till the librarian will take your request and go somewhere through the corridor and then come back with one of three books needed. I did not now it till today. And I was happy and proud of myself.
6. Ah, I also went to the main building and changed my discount card for the 6% discount in the place of 5%. This is like a game, really. I found a book I wanted, by the way. Grisham - The King of Torts. It costs a pretty penny. So, I decided to buy it when I finish reading Harper Lee that I have bought today.

5 minutes to leaving

Yesterday some things happened:
1. One of my fav lecturer died. He read us a lecture on Friday and the next day he was gone. I overreacted.
2. I have a new friend. She is extremely cute and she likes HP stuff. And she hugs me a lot.
3. I looked for a book by Grisham - The King of Torts - unsuccessfully. One of the English groups read this and we will read Agatha Christie. Meh.
4. I realized what was wrong in that problem of the kind of a riddle.
5. I watched Nabari no Ou to the ongoing episodes. 4 left.
6. I got my credit card. Yay.
7. I began to train the stretches. I should do more sports.

Have to go now. Yup, I am leaving an hour earlier than the lecture begins.

Weekends in September

There is still much to do.
I went home again but I spent so little time there - I only watched the part of the Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire film that I have not seen yet (to the end). Then I tried to watch another episode of Scrapped Princess but gave it up. I had something more important - problems with memory on my Palm. This remains unsolved. Bro told me to search for the problem on the Internet. I'm not sure how to formulate it. But I'll try doing that.
Now I've finished the so-called household chores. Waiting for something to happen.

In the morning

I have a feeling that my internal systems are going to break.

Just got out of the bath - it was so goood. The water was greenish because I used this kind of colored salt with camomile and my body was yellowish under such water. But it felt comfortable - the temperature was quite high so I sweated a little. Then I was like some bio-creature because I thought of how I floated in this green water with parts of my skin in it (I made a little massage over my body and scrabbed skin oh my legs). You know, I was exactly like these girls with long hair in some sort of bio-capsule where I was created or here my body was kept. Haha.
So, where did I get the idea of taking a bath? From my mom - she kept telling me that ths is the best way to relax. And also from PE teacher 'cause she said that muscles won't hurt if you take a bath with warm water. I had a PE class today. I made a 1,61 meters jump (that sux but one of the trainers told me that I had some jumpness in me). Then I did 8 pull-ups (they were kind of strange - you was to do that from the floor). And all that from 5 rounds of running and some excercises. My... becuse my legs hurt I decided to take a bus. Well, when I go on foot it takes half an hour and today it took me 1 hour to get home. But I became a witness of the perfect gridlock. I laughed looking at those cars and the chaos people created.
Also at the University I had a lecture on logics and British History. I liked English lecture. I trid to speak but I got very emotional every time and so I failed this time. But next time I'm sure I will try again to speak more properly. I liked the lecturer - it i a young woman who speaks with some mistakes but they are all connected with word vocabulary - not with grammar. My sentences sucked because they were like "England - Rose". Madaa. She had to help mewith that - I wa too excited to speak, though I did not realise that I spoke British symbols. Nah.
I bought The Silmarillion and got a discount card of this bookstore. Yay! And also I bought a new notebook in surfing style - with a grey silouette of a surfer and some slogans like "Enjoy the wave" or something like that.
I met guy from my friend's group. Dima is crazy about socionics. That is kinda... uncomfortable to think that you are judged by your looks very fast. And it was funny to listen to this youngster speaking as if he knew people. He said his type was Huxley.
Also I met a girl from the philology faculty - she was looking for a second-hand bookstore in the main building. She interested me with such a question of where it was so we looked for it together. Without a result, unfortunately.
Nah I type with my two fingers becausee this keypad is so small.
Ah, I found out that a guy with whom I got acquainted during the medical check was an anime-fan. Hah, he is good, all right.
That's it for today.
University brings me new things and I feel nervous but interested. That is good.

Just another day

Yup, I said that I'd write here every day - yet I do not do this.
I listen to the news radio now, watched a lot of anime - I've gone home at the weekend. There was a Code Geass shock again this morning.
Weather is good now, quite hot, but better than when it is cold. I bought a new "Violet" notebook with rings for paper-sheets. Love it.
I feel nervous all the time. I do not know the reason - maybe this is the new atmosphere at the University or something else is bothering me. My friend must be right saying that I live in the permanent stress.
My English language group is so-so. I worry a lot about it - I had a chance to be a student at the linguistic university. I quite like learning language - but I'm too lazy for that. I do not want to regret anything. Argh, my heart is going puru-puru all the time, I'm very nervous feeling almost sick. Oh yeah, my hands are shaking.
I have two seminars tomorrow, so I have lots of things to read now.
Bye-nee! (I miss Lucky star)

Loneliness

I feel lonely.
I live alone. I have few friends. I have nobody to talk to, well - nobody who'll listen. Though, that is only now that I can say this. I will not tell anything anybody.
I listen to the radio because it is so damn quiet here. It feels like the silence and the white darkness is eating me from the outside, filling my body, enveloping my heart in a thick mist.
I do not know what it is that I heed to do, where to go, what to thin about. I guess I'm a student and I am to study and study.
Am I unhappy? Ah, no. If there are people who is unhappy in their insanity then I am not among them.

First steps

I met my group members. This sucks. Most of them lives in dormitory and (what is worse) study Deutch on the intermediate level.
I will have 3-4 hours per day. 3 hours of English in a week. Fortunately (maybe not) I won't have seminars with my lecturers. They are scary. No, really.
Two hours of PE and 1 hour of Latin.
I ate in the Legendary Canteen today.
I looked for one person and he had left already by the time I found the right place.
You know, one of the series that I saw says that it is ok to be weak. Is it?
Now I'm making my timetable. I'll use google for that I suppose.

My Future Plans

Today I made a vow - and now I am the student of the best university in my state. I've met my old friends and felt kind of strange. I thought I would have a new life, but I have not changed. I am still me. I try to be more talkative and friendly with people (I do not always succeed, though) and I try to make them understand what I mean.
I found out that the guy I liked during the summer entered the same university (the other faculty). I am not sure that I need somebody now. So this will wait.
I suppose the main problem will be with the time. The time needed does not equal the time on hands. I want to join some club. Like a literature club or something. I also want to learn another foreign language (like Japanese or Francais or Deutch). I think that would be good to have it as a hobby, but I'd like to have courses, too. But courses will cost money and I do not have them.
The next point is that I do not want to fail exams and be kicked out of the university (get the axe - or how did H. Caulfield called this?).

Here is a short-list of my future to-dos:
1. Join a club.
2. Learn languages.
3. Do not get the axe.

First Post

This is my new blog. And the first question is - why?
First of all, I like blogging. I have 4 active blogs. I have another blog on the blogger.com. If you are interested in how my student life began, how I came through all the difficulties and exams to enter the University, you are welcome to the examsarecoming blog.
Secondly, my life changed dramatically - now I am the student of the Law faculty. So, just not to let myself forget English language I'll be writing here. I guess, I'll continue my post-every-day challenge.
And the next question - why here? Because blogger.com is a friendly server. It can not be as popular as lj, or as customizing as diary - but I find it attractive for me.
I do not mind simple and common style - so I hope you will not complain bout that. Thank you for understanding =)
That's how it is.
Welcome to my blog-life.