My Night Worth Waiting For

Well tonight was the night which is totally worth waiting for through all this sh*t that comes before and after. The night to remember and live for.

I went to the Irish fest in Moscow for the movie called 'Good vibrations'. And it was brilliant. However, Terry turned out to be an old wanker and a drunk who could not answer questions properly. But anyway, I had like an outburst of good emotions.

I went there with my now-ex-bf (huh how many more). And it was a good thing to break up with him 'cause hell there are lots of people out there.

While waiting for him, I drank coffee and wrote a piece - like a beginning of some novel or something shorter - don't know yet. So, writing is No. 1 reason for awesomeness of the night.

There were people in there and somehow I started to feel good lately, so I was curious and attentive to them. It is a so interesting to watch people around you. They are hilarious.

Then the movie would be No.3. It was about Belfast and revolution and music and life. A good movie. I recommend.

No.4 would be people again. Beautiful creatures. I smelled some nice whiskey and sipped out of the glass of one of the boys who stood next to me (looked like an Irish man, turned out to be a perfect Russian). And whiskey turned out to be not so good. I prefer Jameson anyway. Well, I have tried Jack last week and it was good, too. Anyway. So I chatted with Vik outside and we walked there and back again. And then he left and I was still heating my car, so it turned out that way but I decided to give a lift to that guy from whose glass I sipped whiskey. And now I know I have like a gazillion questions to him, but I was startled at all his stories how he went to see the same movie the night before and it was a disaster because the image blacked out a few times. And how he went to the bar during the movie and chatted to the director of the movie not even knowing who he was. I left him at the metro only to miss my turn a minute later. His name was Ilya.

Well, what I mean is that people are brilliant and good. And I would like to meet some new ones 'cause I am a hunter and I am looking for your bloody hearts to rip them out and leave you behind. Just kidding. Love you all.

My Good and Bad Days

I look like s**t today. Apparently, this is what young folks look like these days as I was denied the right to buy booze (ale with 4,2% - who even makes ale so light?). It is funny, though. Because despite my recurring teenage angst I feel pretty old and tired already.

Someday it will all be over and done anyway.

I have good days and bad days. According to the program on my phone I have around 25% bad days. That's like a fourth of my life sucks. And it is not just 'not a good day', because I mark those as good ones, but utterly bad days with crying and sighing and trying to avoid all kind of positivity.

I can't even do anything with myself at days like this. Today I decided that sun and walking would help me feel better. It got worse after that.

This constant fight with sadness and loneliness and shame and shyness and nervousness. So many people feel this, too. What's wrong with me and this world? Why do I try to live on the bright side and fail at that time after time? I get involved with people who strangely find me attractive and I hurt them. And I hurt myself even more because I know my weak points.

I still cry over my first love which was stupid and a decade ago. I cry over everything and everyone. It just piles up. 

What I want to know is how do I live? I don't want to hurt others and yet I want good things for myself. And they have always been kind of connected with pain. Do I have a right to exist if what I mostly do is adding up sadness to this world?

My Sunlit Office

Today is the day before the 8th of March, which is apparently the Women's New Year in Russia.

I got flowers at work. Flowers in the pot sucked water like 30 thirsty crewmen after cross-ocean trip on a ship. And then tulips - small but elegant.

I asked my mentor, Max, to give me reference for further studying. He did not even think of refusing, which is nice and yet again proves that I think too little of myself.

Then I tried to reestablish relationship with my fellow colleague who kinda cracked recently and stopped talking to me, slouching all moody past my table. I've spent one hour and a half in his office today. I'm sure he's nuts. But in a good way. He said he was depressed lately, but did not go deeper as 'we are not that close'. I sent him 21 articles on happiness from Marc and Angel site. Hope it helps.

And then I was a little bit late to meet Yarik at John Bull's pub (English cosy place). I grabbed my things, rushed out of the office, opened the door to the lift hall and was momentarily blinded by the bright sun light. I had to almost close my eyes and I smiled a little as that was beautiful and unexpected. I got a glimpse of a person waiting for lift to arrive and he smiled looking at me squinting in the sun. And then it was gone - I walked further, turned my back to the clear sky, he stopped smiling immediately and we did not share a word while going down side by side.

Well, if I could relive this moment I would smile at him, too. And wish him a good weekend. So I will smile at strangers. I used to do this much more. Or I think I did. Anyway, I read a lot of articles on how to be happy. Beware my roaring according to self-help experience of people from other countries.