My First Publication

Hello world! I'm 21 and I was published in The Moscow Times this Tuesday.

My Left Half

My left part of the brain takes lead now without me being conscious about that. Like picking knife with left hand and slicing or doing more active part in washing things while it used to only hold objects.
I have come to conclusion that I am not only uncomfortable with the world but with myself as well. I had a major breakdown based on these thoughts on Friday. And I cried on the shoulder of a boy who told me that if we broke up it would be alright for him because he is a big boy. And that is like saying "I tell you that I love you but actually I will be just fine without you. I don't really need you." That was not a nice thing to hear. But I can't say this "I love you" to him, though I contemplate the thought of how we will spend our lives together. And I thought of that before we became close.

My Nostalgia and Fear of Future

Nostalgia has been overwhelming again lately. Probably because I've spent the last few days at my parents. I have slept in a room where I grew up. This pillow was soaked with my tears through the night, those street lamps lighted my midnight reading, walls have endured all kinds of scratching. So, it's been very moving to return to this place and yet I felt like I was a guest there.
At some point (probably too late) I gathered my things and went back to the lonely shack. I love this place where I live. It's cosy and it has my strong presence in it.
I had a rather good day today - I spent it with myself. Watched the latest Doctor Who and behind the scenes of the Hobbit. Actually cooked something for dinner (I do not do that much).
I went through some old papers. Lots of bad drawings, I shall throw them away. I am mentally preparing myself for leaving for a year, and coming back will be tough - I will be a different person (or I hope so?). That's why I've got to prepare to get rid of things, which is tough because of my 'keeper' personality.
I have been thinking about all the things I ever wanted to achieve or do. I did amazingly little from this list. And yet I'm not doing badly, no, sir. I can be pretty awesome. I am just aware of what I could have become if I really tried and had the courage. And sometimes it feels like I'm almost done. I've got a degree and a job, a guy who asks me about children and wants me to stay with him. And I know I can settle right now. And yet I am uneasy with that. I still foolishly want to have my adventures and marvels and all that.
I remember everything. I know why I am doing what I am doing. I know myself. I just do not yet have realized what I can do with that knowledge. This past year I have grown up and the change is dramatic.
I want to be hardworking, more self-confident. I am proud of who I am. And I deserve to grow and evolve.
What I am afraid of is, shortly speaking, not having in my life what I want in it. I am afraid of settling, being done and finished. I am still kicking, hear me roar!

My Clean Desk

I've cleaned my desk. Just logging this as my accomplishment. I am such an organized person, trying to stay positive.