My Scattered Principles

What have I done?!

I had so many principles in my life, I thought I would follow them forever. I tended to have prejudices - yes - but I was safe. And then what happened?
I mean why do I think it is perfectly alright to get up at 1 a.m. and have a coffee with liquor?
And yes, I was depressed but I studied before exams. I tried hard. What happened to me?
I used to fall in love all the time, having this funny wonderful feeling in my stomach. Now what?
Ok, I can rationalize everything of the above (not alcohol part, though). But how did I end up smoking? What exactly was it that made me hate myself so much that I would pick up the most disgusting habit I could imagine?

Actually, the question for which I would like to have an answer is how do I change that? Obviously, I won't go back to the person I was. So I have to find something that will inspire me to climb the mountain of my perception of life and have a different view. Yeah, how about that.

My Jung Test 2012

Time for Jung test again.As I take it every year, it's a nice habit to see how differently I answer same questions.

Taken: 14th of June, 2012.

INFJ

Introverted 44
Intuitive 75
Feeling 25
Judging 56

• moderately expressed introvert
• distinctively expressed intuitive personality
• moderately expressed feeling personality
• moderately expressed judging personality

That's the least introverted per cents I've ever got. And the most intuitive, too. Who knows what that means, anyway.

My Dreams

I started crying again.

I don't know whether it is a good sign or a bad one. I guess I feel lonelier now, studies are over and I do not see people much. My real-life communication is not that broad.

I actually do not have a lot of friends. But those, who are near me are very precious and I do care about them a lot. Sometimes I don't know how to keep them in my life, though. And people just drift away. But it's ok, I stand for free will. What saddens me is the fact that they won't call me when in need. But I'm always there. I want to be that rock, which will stand still whatever happens. I will not be hurt. Because I love every one, who touched my soul and made me smile some time in the past. I just want them to know that. Call me and I'll come.

I finished Glee today. Which is fabulous in many ways. It's not intelligent series (maybe even vice-versa) but it still is heart-warming with all the brightness and happiness and songs. Also, it gets me emotional from time to time, because relationships there are pretty modern and sharp. Yes, I like drama. Anyway, the main character is a girl who has a dream so big, it moves her whole life.

And I don't have such a dream. I can't get up in the morning, because I don't think it's really worth it. According to Erik Erikson, that's a sign of identity crisis.

I've spent last 4 years of my life getting higher education at the law faculty. It was not a complete waste of time, but the thought of spending some more years getting Ph.D. in law makes me panic. I don't despise my education or career. I just wish I thought about it more. I want to have more experience in something different. It would be great if I had something that would keep me going day after day, motivate me to get better and not just 'I should get higher education because everybody in my family has it'.

I wanted to talk to someone about this. But I've got that idea lately - I whine too much about insignificant stuff. So, I've got to be strong. I have to do it with a smile and be an inspiration. And I've got my past, too. Not that I killed anyone, but I might have a few regrets. I used to avoid thinking about certain things, now I postpone 'talks with myself' and I keep distracting myself, so that I won't have to face it. Hopefully, I will find the courage to fix the things that are wrong with my life.

My 21

I turned 21 today.

I studied till 5 a.m. Had a nice 5-hour sleep, got "good" for my exam.
Put on a tie right after I got out of the auditorium. My dad bought it for me last weekend while he got himself a fine black tie, because he is a fan of John Constantine (Hellblazer comics / Constantine movie). Well, he likes the way John looks. Dad actually tought me how to make a good knot for my blue tie. And it looked gorgeous.
I got two boxes of my favorite chocolates (seashell-shaped, with praline inside), plus photo album (kinda standard). And a flower (oh my, I forgot about it - put it in the old Guinness bottle just now).

Then we went to the nearest mall. I ate double cheeseburger-with-more-cheese-please-yes-I-know-it-has-double-More-cheese-please. Then we went to see Men in Black 3, which was good. And I laughed hard, because oh it was enjoyable. And I got that curious look from a man who sat nearby when the movie ended. I know, man, I try to enjoy every bit of my life and I don't care about what others think.
Then I staaared at some collectible cars at kids' store (my friend wanted to buy some face paint). They had Shelbys (blue like I prefer them), but only 1968 and 1969. I fancy 1965 model, I even got my character in a detective story a Shelby (he'll paint it blue himself, you just wait; because it is not that good-looking right now, he 'bought' it in a bad state).

Then mom told me it would be nice for me and my dad to have a dinner because er 21st birthday, you know. But dad forgot his pills at home and all of the drug stores I could reach by foot did not have these pills - for months. Yeah, dad said he would check his nearest drugstores, but he never called back. Meh.

I came home in the afternoon. My place reeks of coffee and cigarettes. Not very nice smell, but somewhat homey.

I sat at the table and tried to freakin solve the problem with my computer. That's how I spent the rest of my day: swearing, reading bug reports on the internet, listening to Hugh Laurie (surprisingly good blues) and Rolling Stones, swearing again, drinking tea with sweets and cursing at my computer.

Oh, and my friend drew me a picture as a present, which kept me pretty happy for the day. Because it's cute and it's for me and it's fanart and it's my friend's.
But then I ran out of cigarettes (not exactly - still have 3 of them, but they are crashed. Then it was 10 p.m. and my bro called and congratulated me. And he said that I should cook myself a good dinner with a cake.

I thought he was right. Plus I needed tobacco. Nice lady at the store wished me happiness for my bd as I asked her what cake was the best out there. I did not like it. It turned out to be too sweet and it sticked to the upper part of the box in which she put it. But it still is my birthday cake.

Yeah, I didn't find the cigarettes I smoke, because they are pricey and it seems that they are not that popular here. So I had to buy random stuff. Okay. But I still want to complain: why the heck do they close at 11 p.m.? Do we all die after that time? And they used to work 24 hours, I remember that. Gosh.

So, that's it. The remaining 15 minutes of the day I will spend reading manual for noobs in linux, because that's who I am, not being able to fix my computer.

But who am I kidding? I can't even fix my life. I am a smoker and a drinker. I am alone on my birthday and I brag about it like a kid on the internet. At least I am not crying.

Actually, I am okay with that. I just like to whine.

This day is nice. I mean, I don't really know how I can make one day a year nicer than others, when my life is so awesome every day.