My Water with Salt

I drank half a cup of water with salt in it. And then another half with more salt.
What happened next was pretty bad. Because I did not throw up, not really. I was just standing on my knees on the floor in the bathroom, coughing and crying and spitting. Now my right eye is swollen and my throat hurts a bit, never mind a mild nausea.

But well, I frequently feel sick after smoking anyways. Yeah, I smoked afterwards. It does not help a bit, by the way. Well, maybe a little bit. I still do not approve, because that's not how smart people spend their evenings.

I have skipped classes today. Just did not feel like going. I watched Dirk Gently instead and cooked a nice meal. And then I went to work, DD again (I would not say I missed DD projects, though).

My ex-bf left me a message a few days ago contemplating that he did not love me. It seems they all do that afterwards, but why begin a relationship then? No, I mean, I understand. It's just realizing that I've been lied to makes me feel miserable and unwanted and UNLOVED. Now that's the worst thing for me to hear. I want to be loved so much that I blindly follow anyone who shows any sign of interest in me. And I have made so many mistakes already, I trusted people so many times. Yet I do not seem to learn from my mistakes. I was irritated by this message for more than one reason. You go to your friends and make them listen to your shit, but you do not go to your ex and bring it on the girl after everything has been discussed already. You suffer and struggle in your head or you act ruthlessly - but you do not say the crap - and even if you have this urge you tell it personally, to the face. You do not avoid or ignore a person and then sneak and write your "thoughts" in mail box.

Damn it it just piled up on the crap I always have in my head. I feel miserable and annoyed and frustrated. I want love they have in silly books. And I want to be beautiful and I am not. I want something to rely on and I've got nothing. What I have is not enough, never was and never will be.

I watched Moulin Rouge and it was way too good. I laughed and cried and sang along. I cherished the idea of creating such a flawless story some day. And then I doubted I would ever be able to do that. Because 1) I am a girl 2) I am not beautiful 3) I am not such a good writer and not a great person overall.

It really does frustrate me. I am a failure - I feel like one. And I am bored and lonely and it takes me years and years back when I started to feel sadness and pain from not being loved. I was a child then. It got worse with years. And even though I sometimes think that is gets better, that I can be happy and that I am loved and I can do whatever I want and that I will succeed - it just turns out to be fake. Only sadness and loneliness remains.

I like women. Their bodies are sexier than men's, their moves and habits are lovable.
I have 'seriously' dated two boys, both lacked masculinity in their bodies and heads, had little physical endurance and made gracious gestures.
I have a thing for shorter boys, messy hair and suits.
I look for a smart soulmate with good taste in prose and science fiction, preferably a person with some education in hard sciences. Open mind is a must-have. And tolerance to all kinds of fun, too.

I wanted to sort my life out and realized that I'd started driving myself to the edge. Even drafting a priorities list did not lighten this pressure a bit. I'd like to point out everything that provides me with stress right now:

• break up
• weight loss goal
• parents' and grandma's health issues
• work
• poor time management
• trying to do some writing
• university assignments keep piling on
  
• lack of sleep
• thoughts about past
  
• wretched weather
• Supernatural
  

I know I can endure and survive a lot and the situation is not critical yet. But it might as well proceed to be unbearable in a while. And it's almost 1 a.m. and I'm still not in bed.

I actually wanted to write about how I tend to analyze everything from the point of how much emotional energy it would take. Because sometimes I know I can do stuff but it will tire me and I'll end up a squeezed lemon so I don't even make attempts and then feel guilt - I could have done better. Should I try and push myself to the limits or deal with guilt? I'm sure that I can become stronger mentally (I did it in the past, too).

My Shares in Love Corp.

I started having those sudden outbursts of happiness and joy. They are so overwhelming that I smile or even laugh.
I wanted to share this with someone, the love that I've felt and then - oh. I broke up with my boyfriend last week. And normally that should be a person with whom I share everything. I know I could not do that with him, though. In the end I could not trust him with all my feelings and thoughts. It was the right time for break-up.
And then I wondered if I was still capable of loving someone like I used to. I think I am. And I want to - to praise and admire, to kiss and make love, to appreciate and be amazed.
I believe there is at least one person in the world who would do the same for me. And I am going to find him.

My Ikea Rat

About five years ago I have developed certain feelings towards Ikea rat. You know, this stuffed soft toy they had for 100 rubles (the price is higher now). I saw it on one of our rare trips to the mall and it got me right there. Since then every trip to Ikea ended with me buying a rat. Don’t worry – nothing happened to the previous ones.

My brother suggested we buy as many of these rats as we needed for making a bed of them to sleep at night. But we did not. One day he came from Ikea with 15 soft toy balls of different colors and that was the end for this dream-bed.

I stayed loyal to the rats. My heart was hooked when I glanced on them, our eyes met and I could not help grabbing my rats and hugging them till the happiness filled me (and supposedly them, too).

I had never had guts to buy a lot of rats at once: one or two each time – to put in a car or in a new place for living, or as a present to a friend or just to hug on the ride home. I had different reasons – or excuses.

I had a time in my life I felt I should try to reach out for people who were fans of the rat, too. I thought that I could not be the only one who felt this affection for Ikea and its rats. So I set a fan blog on one of the national sites on the Internet. I had two followers at the highest peak of its popularity. I put Ikea rats in every car I could – and soon I reaped what I sowed – neighbors thought it was a nice idea and put Ikea rats in their cars, too. I even started posting some pictures of “Ikea rat in a car – send your photos!” in the blog. Recently this blog was removed due to the lack of activity.

I still have an Ikea rat in my car. And so do some of my parents’ and my own neighbors.

Ikea rat in my car saw a lot: two cars I drove, my boyfriends and friends and people who hitchhiked; she saw me in all kind of states; heard me singing, laughing and crying; it got pinkish in the sun, while the original color was light-brown. I took her to some lectures and classes, I washed her once when she fell in the dirt. She visited houses of my friends and lovers. Last Saturday night she spent at my friend’s place – she was on her own, without me – and I was worried. But she turned out ok, she was wearing a pretty scarf when she came back to the car in the morning the next day. Now she’s just fabulous.

I have four more rats at my place and one beside my bed at parents’ place. My white rat wears a tiny black hat and looks gorgeous. She is resting on the computer sound system. Black one is in the other room on the black sofa. And two brownish rats are on the shelf, one lies on the top of it, while the other is hanging on the tail, which is clipped to the tail of the one on the top. They change places from time to time.

I though it was very important to enlighten you with this story. Thank you very much for reading.

My Assimilation

Once I was a girl who wrote stories and it made her utterly happy to sit at the screen and tap on the keyboard.
Once I was a girl who could get drunk with crystal-clear water, at least with a considerable amount of it.
Once I was a girl who fought with her brother.
Once I was a girl who came home emotionally drained after the day around people, lay down on the floor and cried out loudly. She had problems with calming herself down.
Once I was a girl who did not tolerate smoking and decided to never lit a cigarette in her life.
Once I was a girl who had depression.
Once I was a girl who loved anime and spent on it more time than on anything else.
Once I was a girl who worked at the library and thought it was her dream-job. Her dream-job changed to being a cosmonaut a few years after.
Once I was a girl who was sure she would live forever.
Once I was a girl who talked to herself and saw strange things out of the corner of her eye.
Once I was a girl who had panic attacks and sudden outbursts of rage.
Once I was a girl who wanted to commit suicide and had some nasty plans of how to take her life.
Once I was a girl afraid of physical contact and a girl who stammered talking to people. She avoided sharing drinks with anyone, too. And she washed the floor in her flat with soap every week.
Once I was a girl who cried in her sleep.
Once I was a girl who stopped eating because of anxiety and stress. And a was a vegetarian girl - twice, and a vegan girl once.
Once I was a girl who hurt people that cared about her.
Once I was a girl who was capable of cheating and who set her morals as low as to be able to say yes to a relationship with no future.

I can go on with things that happened to me in the past, of the girl I used to be. But all these are my things. This girl is me. Today I want the courage to accept the roles I've ever taken with all the pain and joy I have experienced. Because my life was the journey to here, now. I'd like to be a solid person, a human with history. I think that wisdom and strength will fall upon me after I conceive and comprehend what led me to who I am.

My New Teapot

Today I brew tea in my new teapot for the second time. It is a very nice piece of ceramics. It's brownish, pleasant to touch. It has a lid that does not really fit. I like this teapot, I have never had one before.

Actually there might be a lot of stuff that I had never possessed in my life. They can be simple like teapot or more complex like... a planet.

I enjoy drawing lately.
Look here:
I like to invent characters and have stories about them. Like this Odd-handed Joe is left-handed, but he uses his right hand a lot, too. He is not ashamed of it one bit. He is actually proud of having this hand, because it is big and strong and beautiful. Some say it's a hand of the devil or a curse for sins of his mother. But Joe there, he thinks of it as a blessing. Someone is born under the lucky star, and Joe was born with his lucky hand. His horses (he trains them, that's what he does for living) love when he pats them on their heads with his right hand. It calms them.

I met with Yui today. We ate sushi and had a nice talk.

I'd like to manage my finances better. Because now it's like: I have enough money to eat, pay taxes, fuel the tank and buy some stuff occasionally. But I want more thorough control over the income and outcome.

I don;t sleep much lately. I tend to stay up till 2 or 3 a.m. doing nothing - looking through tumblr, search for new music or watch movies/series. The worst part of it is that I don't prepare for the Uni. And tomorrow I have a speech in class on the protection of right of securities holder (fascinating like a pear on an arrow in the middle of the forest - idgaf). But I need to share the speech with another person from my group and I don't talk to her much.

My Fanfiction Experiences

I came across a fanfiction drabble on tumblr and realized that I've had a pretty similar experience once.

I was lying in the bed with a boy. I found him attractive at the time. He was asleep for a while but my mind just would not drift away. So I got up, stepped over the boy and got down on the floor. I sat on the carpet with my back resting on the side of the bed. Dark room was dimly lit by my mobile phone - I used to read books from this small screen. I did not close web browser page with text and kept it for a few days, a week at most. I read a rather long story by Philip K. Dick then.

I remember that night pretty well. I remember the chill of the winter night. The ice had already started to cover my heart by then - I felt lonely in the room with the boy who swore his love to me just the same way he swore his hatred for his previous beloved.

But even if I knew then how it would end, I'd still live this night the way I remember it. The story by Philip K. Dick was rather good.