Untouchable Me

The problem is not that people don't want to touch me, actually. I just need more than I get. I let people touch me and I touch them, too. Not enough, though.
A few years ago I feared physical contact and evaded it as much as I could. Now I need people to touch me to feel comfortable around them.
I fall in love frequently, because people are meant to be loved. Everyone is beautiful and should be loved.
Denial and rejection are painful. I want people to feel better in my arms. I guess I possess ideal characteristics for a whore.

And I am lost right now.

My First Role Playing Game

I am not the tolkienist, nor a role-player. But my friends are. This weekend I've spent sleeping in the tent under the rain, my jaws could not meet each other because of cold. I participated in a role playing game based on Firefly universe.
Boy, it was awesome because of many things:

1. Camping. My first time ever spending nights in tent outside of buildings. Cold, cold, cold. People say that being with guys at night is much warmer - maybe I should check this next time.
   
2. People. Simply hilarious. Costumes, acting, speeches, kindness, enthusiasm, creativeness. Players and masters were absolutely awesome.
   
3. Dungeon. I've been to the dungeon as a hacker (there were lots of locks there that only hackers could open). So freaking fantastic game there. I was cherished as a hacker - comrades protected me, sometimes covered me with their bodies... Dangerous stuff all over the place, dead bodies, explosions, poisonous lianas growing on the walls of abandoned science station of Alliance - fun in the essence.
   
4. Cooking and managing life in the nature. I liked cooking for my friends, making tea etc. It was interesting to solve problems of where to find water, interacting with people re: real life.
   
5. Costumes. If you know Firefly, you might guess what kind of clothes we wore. I did not make anything for the game, just picked my normal brown clothes, plus the white coat of a science worker and a straw hat (it's damaged now due to the rain and mud). But some players were in clothes they sew or in costumes of cowboys or something else and it was kind of crazy to look at them. And yet it was very cool.
6. Making friends. I made a few friends at the game. Mostly because I drank alcohol with them. On the last day of the game I've poured in myself around 8 different kinds of alcohol drinks. Coffee with vermouth was the best coffee I've ever tasted (no kidding)! 'Moo' with sweet milk and vodka was surprisingly good. And I've tasted the best whiskey, too. I was a scientist at the lab of FastFix (big corporation) on Silverhold (planet). Our boss (wonderful and talented person) suggested we drank after the game was over, Our lab (me, Vita and Alesten) agreed, so we've spent marvelous evening and night with our boss and his bodyguard, drinking, chatting, playing 'guess' games.
7. Socializing. There was no way I could feel lonely, because I've talked to so many people during the day. And everybody were different, interesting, friendly. I've even fallen in love at night of the last day. Well, I was drunk and did what I love the most - listened to stories. The boss of FastFix corp. was amazing. Sometimes he looked like he was 40, yet he is only 2 years older than me. He has lots of interests, hobbies and thus he is a great talker. I was completely lost in his words and his real life. He is one of those unique people you can come across in life rather rarely. Moreover, his hands are just beautiful - long thin fingers. Together with dark eyes, harsh voice, aquiline nose and black curly hair he seemed utterly beautiful after our conversation and bottle of whiskey after vodka. I wanted to touch him desperately, but I became surprisingly shy all of a sudden. He is not from Moscow, so it's possible I will never see him again (except for games, maybe). And it does not matter, he is still a fantastic guy I've met.
   
8. Being with friends. Good as always.
   

I've found out that I do not get drunk so fast and so erm deeply as my girlfriends. Plus, I don't get sick. But that's maybe because I don't drink much on other days. And I assume that hangovers do not suit me and can't happen because I don't really drink, right?
I did not unzip the info this weekend. And actually, I don't think I need it. I've thought about some stuff from the past, some zipped info came out and it was ok. It sank into my memory. Now it's who I am. And that's my past.
I've got another problem on my mind now - I am not the person, whom people like to touch. It's something subconscious. My friend is completely touchable, by the way. People touch her all the time (though it does not work on me). And I did not get a touch from FastFix president, though he could have done that if he felt like it. It saddens me, because I can find situations like that throughout my life - when I wanted and could have been touched/kissed and was rejected either consciously or not. I would like to find out the reason for that. Maybe I look too grim and serious or it's something else.

My Rooibos

Everything reminds me of something or someone. It is difficult to suppress memories, because I am an average person. This is life anyway. And it is good to be able to remember.
I have bought rooibos tea at the small shop near my work on the day I've bought Monopoly board game. I had a little nice chat with a cute boy who works at the shop. He has marvelous handwriting. I have promised him that I will come back. I plan to buy oolong tea at his shop.
I have bought rooibos because one girl at the Academy told me it was her favorite tea. In the evening of the day I had bought this tea I met with her boyfriend and learned that they had broken up. We had fondue and drank a bottle of white wine. This evening was one of the best evenings of this summer. He was so beautiful that night, so strong and powerful. I slept in his arms and felt like a little girl, who is yet to learn what life is.
On that evening we drank rooibos, too. We both liked it.
The boy, whom I tried to convince to be with me this summer, said that he does not like that tealeafs are drifting on the surface of rooibos tea.
I am drinking it now. The scent of its brewing is something special - and this tea is something special for me.

My Freedom

Freedom is one of the most important concepts for a person. It is something we strive for. We are sensitive to any encroachments on it by others.

This theme emerged yesterday when I was hinted not to limit one's freedom. I was pretty much surprised, because that was not what I intended to do at all. As I thought about it thoroughly, I realized that I might have wanted it on a subconscious level. Plus, for the person who told me that, freedom is substantial right now.

This freedom I am talking about is a specific one. You can call it 'being single', I guess. It constitutes such freedoms as choice to do whatever you want, whenever and with whomever you want to do it.

But from my point of view this very concept of struggling to be free is limiting your freedom. As I see it, he limits himself by constantly questioning his and others' moves and choices whether or not they intrude upon his 'freedom'.

The story itself can be a good example. This person has a great hobby and he is really dedicated to it. I, being curious about other people and their lives, read on the internet about this hobby and became intrigued. I genuinely wanted to try it out, this city orientation with maps and riddles - this should be exciting! So, what I did was write him a message that I would like to go with him on Sunday on one of these events. He interpreted it as my intrusion on his territory. That I am interested in him too much etc. I was utterly surprised by this - he showed fear of a limited person! I could not have imagined him, whose inner strength I secretly admire, to react this way.

But then again, I am at fault here, of course. I should have known better that in this situation he would give such interpretation to my actions. Moreover, I'm not sure myself that this was not the intrusion upon his freedom from my side. Well, I should back off. I don't want him to be uncomfortable.

No matter what it really is for that person (no one can actually know this), but for me such freedom is what I want to get rid of. I want to experience marvels of compromising, deciding something and having fun together. It is not easy for me to understand how a person can deny these opportunities. For me, they would have been too precious to let them slip away.

Back to my recent challenge of suppressing thoughts and archiving memories. My technique is not perfect. I frequently catch myself thinking and remembering what I should not. And yet, the beauty with which it unveils, amazes me. Pretty soon I will let this beauty and power to show themselves in their full bloom. It will be something breathtaking, I am sure of it.