My Zero Point

I hate things that I do. I try not to think about it, but I can't help it. I do not want it. Maybe some time later I will laugh at myself or be angry for not doing what I should do now. Whatever. I am not satisfied with my life. I try to set up some reason for myself to live on, to do things and stuff. I guess everybody would see me as an idiot if they knew that much about me. In reality my life is pointless and I have just spent another day doing nothing and worrying sick about my studies for the Uni. Oh, anything other than that, please? No way. I am stuck. It feels like I am trying to go through the wall without any special powers and without even trying to break the wall. I feel pitiful even for myself.
I fail so much.

My 30-days Trial №2

I have previously tried this kind of trial and now I want to do that again. And yet again I am going to set up an improbable list of things.

1. Exclude sweet things from my diet (I mean everything with sugar like candies, cakes etc.) because that surely is not healthy. At least that will help me to reduce the amount of sweets I eat.
2. Prepare for seminars. Oh my studies!
   
3. Sketch a day (not giving up).
4. Dig physics and stop dreaming about the impossible time travel.
5. Study French and Japanese. I still need to improve my Russian and English.

This time I do not have that kind of drive I had last time for being a lacto-ovo. But that is how the life is. If I succeeded last time, I will make it this time, too.
The last trial was not in vain for I got indispensable experience. And now I do not eat much meat, I read more, I do not sleep all morning. Well, yeah.
And recently I have learned some important things:
1. I don't want to be lonely any more. And I will try to do something about this. I want to have a person I will talk to. I want to have one. And I want to love him/her. It sounds like a dream, though.
2. A few years ago I wrote stories. Well, they ranged from being good to being lame, but I found out that I used to write for myself. I was happy writing them then and I feel happy reading them now.
3. Yui is tracing what I do. I've told her about Doctor Who and she really watched one episode now. That is nice.

My Nice Evening

After Uni while walking home I felt utterly sad. Maybe that was because my friend did not attend seminars today for the unknown reasons and I had to be with an unwanted person.
Anyhow, I decided to have a nice evening. The first thing I discovered at home was that I had to pay for the internet and so I went out again. I built a small tardis at the playground. Really small. I think of building a big one some time, but now the snow is not right for that.
I watched a movie when I came home and it was a disappointment for me. I knew it was not that good, but it was even worse than I could have imagined. And I ate a lot of sweet stuff, so my stomach hates me now. And I ate at the Uni, too. Well, it does not really matter.
My life slipped back to that slow pace again. I can't be happy and amazed at things because nothing really happens (at least not that I would expect) and I am not doing anything to make something happen. Dull is a defining word for me.
While I was walking home, feeling down, I thought that I might be afraid of people. They scare me. I cannot imagine what they think and what their intentions are. It is frightening.
For immortals, I guess that would not be the problem. Oh, they can't die so nothing really matters for them. And the only thing that can make them wonder or excite them is people. For me, a mortal tiny person, it is not so.
Maybe others were right - purpose of life is not worth thinking about that hard. The answer is not 42, after all. Not 42.

My Turning Away in Shame

Oh, it's been centuries since the last post. You know why that is? Because I am ashamed. What should I write about? Not doing a thing for the Uni? Not even trying to start writing a coursepaper? Having dreams about my professor coming to me and asking about it?
Duh. Should I tell about watching British series and lots of movies about time travel?
No, it's not that bad, alright.
I am just ashamed because I am doing the same thing again, like I never will learn. The previous time it was with anime and now what? Oh, being a thinking and worrying fangirl is not simple.
An indomitable hermit or a stubborn recluse. Yeah, I'm boosting my vocabulary and got a great amount of books for TOEFL and IELTS. That's not that I'm going to take the exam soon, but anyway.
Okey-dokey, now I'm off to watch Merlin. Oh my. I'm so going to ruin my life.

My Incompleteness

I am actually pretty incomplete and ignorant.
Through time I have only been doing the things I loved to do at the moment and things that I could do on my own. I want to change it.
Everything sounds really fake right now, I am not sure why. So I'll try to say it simple: I want to acquire some skills for my life to be more interesting, exciting etc.

1. Singing. I cannot control my voice so duh.
2. Classical music. Would not it be nice?
3. Harmonica. Really. It's time.
4. Drawing. This is not as simple as it looks, but I should learn to have fun, too. For I take everything too serious.
   
5. Self-hypnosis. No-no-no, I never believed that and never will. But controlling my mind sounds cool to me.
   
6. Chemistry. Is Bakelite really an insulator? And, what's more interesting, why?
7. Law. Haha. No, really. Haaaha.
8. Poetry. I should begin reading it.
9. Science. I should have RSS or something to know what's going on on the Earth.
10. Grammar. Both English and Russian. Can I use 'on' x2 in a row?

Well. Plans again. But I tend to live according to these plans once I set my mind on them.

My Short Post

Posts should not always be long, should they?
I am reading R. Bach now, he gives me a lot of thoughts, as always. And now he inspired me to write and get something published. I will try to publish one of my stories this year. Yakusoku-desu! (It gives me shivers just to think about that). But I wonder if I can be published.
I suppose the more we think about a person the more s/he means to us and vice versa. So we can actually make some kind of a list of people who are dear to us in an order from the least to the most. Or can't we? Or will it be always too temporary, like of a day or a particular minute? It's just that I did not think for about a month about people to whom I talk every day at the Uni - does it mean they are nothing to me? Or does it mean anything at all? I want to have more people about whom I'll think. And not just any people, but real people who will be in my life day after day, whom I will love and respect. I know, it's all up to me, I'll work on this, too.
Oh noes, it hasn't been a week and I made resolutions again.
Haha, I've read out loud this post and I liked my voice.

My Funny People

I've just watched the movie 'Funny People' which I wanted to watch even before it was out. Well, I'm not that fast at some things, alright. Anyways, I liked it. I had my thoughts on becoming a stand-up comedian some time ago (still think about it) :D I am not that funny though. Am I that anything? Oh noes, not back to my pessimistic posts again. No way. I almost bought the diary today, it was an expensive beauty but I thought that I don't need to change a book to change my writing.
I am always thinking of myself as a writer. Well, it is natural for a person to think of him/herself as something better - to be better, to live to a standard of yourself. Haha.
I thought it would be nice to watch some musicals but then I remembered that I'm not that much into them. I only saw a few like Cats or Sound of music. I guess you don't really need to be something you do not want to be. I like who I am now and I like where I am heading. It's not that I need no change at all - everybody needs that - but I do not need to think much about it. I do not hate myself for things. Maybe I have really come to accept myself and I suppose it is a good thing (I talk about it again and again).
I got distracted just now - talked to my first girl love. Oh my, I could not say that to my parents. I mean, when I was telling them what 2007 was for me (that was kind of necessary question, but I made a joke out of it) I only said 'I got my own computer' ('cause I did - not the first but the first that worked properly) but I never said that 2007 was also the year I fell in love with a girl. It was around that time, not precisely 2007. Maybe it was the main thing I needed to say, but I just kept it. I know that honesty is the biggest thing - especially in the family - but I can not talk about this to parents. About a lot of things.
Yeah, I talk too much about this personal stuff. But that's pretty much why I have this blog. I guess I do not talk about it, I write about it. Let them read it, nobody's reading this anyway - too many senseless words. Keeps me sane though.
End of Captain's log for today.

My 4th Semester

On Monday my 4th semester begins. I will skip the first day because I have to go to the doctors, but it does not matter, really (does anything?). And I will get my blood results and will get a treatment according to them.
I thought it would be nice to have a new plan for the semester. There still are my ultimate 2nd year goals, which I will strengthen for the 4th semester again.

• Speaking skills - I am sure that is one of the only things that the Uni can give me
• Memory skills - that is useful and I really should set my mind on this one
  
• Being organized - includes eating healthy, living healthy etc.
• French - I'm still doing this and by the end of semester I want to read freely
  
• Getting the excellent marks for exams - I'll have to get them by any possible means
  

Plus, I am setting a goal for every subject I have this semester:

1. PE - alright, just don't get problems with it.
   
2. Civil law - speak up in class, don't skip it ever, prepare theory for the exam
3. Economics - understand and get the mark before exam
4. Criminal law - speak, speak, speak
   
5. Philosophy - have fun and get the mark before exam
6. Administrative law - speak and try to get the mark before exam, not sure if they do that
7. Criminal process law - do not fail (just kidding), speak and understand
8. English - have fun and learn the texts and words for exam
9. do we have anything else?
   

I know that I should give all my best to the studies (and I will do that) but still there is something more to my life as the Uni alone does not define me. I'm going to read a lot, to watch some more sci-fi and learn new songs and do all that fun stuff. I'm not going to waste my youth on law, no way.

My Future Self

I would have liked to meet my future self and listen to my advice. What would I tell my present self? Study more? Be more active? Or don't waste your time on having fun? Or vice verse?
Is there my future self anyway? Haha, is time travel even possible?
Last night I was thinking about how a man is lonely in this world. The only similarity in people is that they are different. My previous theory about life - that you are born to have fun - fails to work now.
My thoughts now are pretty random for I'm ill. Damn these colds that never will come to an end. I would be happy to be born as an AI. I personally think that every plot where AI self-destructs is lame and untrue. I mean, people have that power of self-destruct, too. But there is still few who does that. Why should AI do that? Oh, don't tell me it is because of loneliness.
I am a gloomy person and I make people around me unhappy. Oh boy, there are not a lot of people around me, but still I do not bring them happiness. Should I change myself? Or should I tell the world that I am who I am. Who am I then? Oh my. At least I'm trying to be honest all the time.

My Little Things

I have been thinking (as always)...
I do not feel that I am lonely in the outside world - it does not really bother me now that I have few friends and people to talk to - but I feel lonely inside. In my world there is nobody to whom I can say that I'll be there for them, there's nobody in my heart. And there is a subtle knife-thing going through my soul (literally speaking) tearing it apart with its intense darkness of hatred, jealousy, doubt and fear. It is a little bit painful to walk with that blade in my chest. I am used to it, though. But when I close my eyes I see light, not darkness. The beautiful light, which warms me from the inside. Well, that's just what I felt recently.
I have found out that I have a constant Geek-Drive in me (I've also come up with that 'awesome' name). Not only I am watching Doctor Who now, but I've watched a lot of videos about making of TW etc. I am such a fan.
Anyway, John Barrowman does inspire me, so whatever. He is so in love with the life (reminds me of certain someone) and he is conscious that he is living his life according to his dream, which is fantastic. And I love his voice (te-hee! *fan*).
Today I've crept around the house asking myself 'What am I doing?', sniffing, coughing (for I am a very lucky person to fall ill at the beginning of every month). And really - what am I doing now? Sitting beside the monitor, watching all kind of entertaining stuff. Ah~ By the way, it seems that I've dropped a habit of watching anime. The good part of it (it is good on the whole, I guess?) is that the interest for Japanese is still within me, and I am thinking that it would be a right way to go - to learn the language.
And I've been thinking about me beloved girls recently. Oh, I do not regret anything, but it gives me a funny feeling in the chest to know the things I thought.
And I did not talk to my bro for a week - that's crazy, I should do that now. I am kind of afraid that the time will come when he is not around to help me with my stuff, being busy with his work/family. This fear is connected to computers mostly - that is my weak point, because I do not get a lot of things about Linux but I do not see other systems as a good alternative. Oh, I should direct my Geek-Drive at knowing my OS sometime.
Anyway. That's all for today.