My sleepless nights

Not reading much, not thinking much, not doing much, not living much. Not much myself.
Something has been bothering me for a while...

I am desperately lonely.

My Ordinary Life

I've been doing these tests for my driving classes all day. It was like I get up and then it is 6 p.m. already - time to go for classes. I made 1 mistake in each of the test I had to do in class today. Good result for me, comparing to previous tests.
My old school friend is panicking about his entrance exams results - he failed last year. Good luck for him. It is strange, but I do not really care. I mean, I do not wish him evil, that is just not my business any more. I try to cheer him up, though, as I always do.
I am still struggling between sleeping long till noon and waking up early. Can't sleep very well at night because of the cough. Strong stuff, damn it.
Reading a book about slavery in US doesn't give me much thought, maybe because the novel is for younger people, maybe because I have already thought about everything mentioned in the book. It is a moral, kind story, but I long for something more interesting, with some twists and riddles, with strange and unique characters.
But still, I live an ordinary life myself, seeking for something different.

I totally need to do anything (and I mean it - anything) good - like learning Greek before going to Greece. Will think about it.

My End of the World

I have finished the novel by Murakami today, which I'd been reading for more than half a year. I used to come home every weekend and read two chapters. I skipped that from time to time, though.
And the other thing - when I said 'home' I did that with hesitation. I used to come there every weekend but then on Monday I used to come BACK. That felt like returning home from being out at somebody else's house. Now I'm staying at my parents' place. That is strange, but... maybe I am just a little bit homesick.
I decided to watch more movies with Ed Norton. He makes every movie better, more elegant, more beautiful and deeper. I am not certain, but I like his acting, he is good.
Days go by, nothing big really happens. I guess I should blog more to see the small things in my life.

My American Dream

I've been to Washington, DC for a week and now I'm back. I also went to Pennsylvania during the trip, learned how people live in towns, not just in the capital.
Well, It was like living a whole different life for me. Huge experience, a lot of new people, an immense amount of knowledge (of life, of science, of history, yet again of my ignorance etc.)
It was a tourist trip mostly, so here is the list of places, where I've been:

• Smithsonians (Postal Museum, American History, American-Indian, Air & Space, the Castle, Freer and Sackler Galleries, African Art)
  
• Marian Koshland Science Museum (nice people, 2$ fare, two free dvd movies on science)
• National Gallery (Van Gogh has to be seen in real life)
• Holocaust Museum
  
• Daughters of American Revolution Museum
• Library of Congress
• Supreme Court
• Barnes&Noble
• CVS Pharmacy etc. for shopping

I walked around the city a lot, saw different monuments and buildings. Stuff like that.
I didn't like the metro. It was different from all the metros I've seen, gloomier and darker.

I went to the suburbs of Washington to meet the family of Russian immigrants. And the next day left for Pennsylvania, to meet the family of my dad's boss. It was interesting and funny to know the story of a person, whom I've met a week ago. Scott's mother told me a lot of things about him. I stayed at the house of Scott's brother Jeff. Both Scott and his father have a strange sense of humour, kind of black humour.
And I also went to the church twice - for chiken and for service. There was a room for toy trains. Could I imagine that? Nope.
I can write more and more, but I am still under the impression and I try to put everything in their places in my mind. I guess this is so far the best experience I've ever had - knowing the different civilization (according to civilization theory).
Well, I know the difference now: here the aim is to live, in America - to live better.

My Helpfulness

What am I doing?
I got my new phone, which I will not review here, nor will I write about it, but I spent all day with it, trying to discharge battery (successfully).
Now I'm listening to some old folk songs and my chest hurts because they remind me of a certain person, for whom I'm trying my best but it is awkward and weird and I am useless and helpless before that situation. And I am so lost...
What am I doing again? Nothing. Nothing serious, nothing useful, nothing worth, nothing, nothing, nothing.
Re-reading LoTR? Re-watching Nana? Learning Greek or Finnish? Going to the theater? Sewing a hat? Come on, whom I am trying to fool?
I am not improving enough, I am no good when it comes to be reliable, to be honest, to be skillful, to be helpful. Damn it all. What am I supposed to do? How can I get better? All my goals are not worth it, or so I think when it comes to real action. What am I anyway? A superman?
But I know the truth which makes my fingers go cold and my throat full with a disgusting lump.
I am unneeded.