Hoooray for my last post here!
I am not a student anymore as I graduated from the Moscow State University yesterday. My average mark turned out to be much better than I had expected - it's 4.5 out of 5.
The ceremony was ridiculously
hot and unorganized, I knew that graduation day is something you would have to
endure and survive. It was still better than I expected and it was over quite
soon.
My friend
came to cheer on me, which was superb (sadly, now I am at work and can't be
there for her second graduation ceremony). Otherwise I would have been
devastated at how little people I know among my fellow students. Anyway, Moscow
is big and chances are I am not going to see anybody from my student years any
more. Except for close friends, of course, as I intend to keep them close.
And then
I had a wonderful evening with my parents at 'Golden Brains' building on the
22nd floor with marvelous view on the city.
I am not
sure that I can make any chart of my experiences during student years. I just grew
up. I started working early, so last 3 years of university were blurred with
constant worries about work. Although,
I can never know what could have happened if I decided not to pursue this
career. I am happy I did, because it made me independent and I have some
savings which I can use for myself (like quite spontaneously going for a few
weeks to visit a friend in the US).
My
personal life was not successful in terms of solid relationship. And I know
that I can blame my work but in reality I should blame myself. I could have
made enough time for that. I did not want to do that, apparently. I did have
some random fun, sometimes going way past my moral limits.
Yesterday
morning I had a brief panic dedicated completely to me wasting and failing my
previous 5 years. In the end, I did not change the world and though I am much stronger
now, I still have (rare) mental breakdowns when there are a lot of people
around me and it's noisy and I loose it completely and just uncontrollably sob
in front of everyone. I am still overcritical towards myself, I grew to become
judgmental towards others, and I think that blogging about this is kind of
lame.
I had a
lot of expectations for past 5 years and I would not say that they are
fulfilled. I did not write a book and overall my writing tremendously dropped
in volume. I stopped watching anime somewhere in the second year and now I
watch tv shows instead. My English benefited from this habit much more than my
Japanese did from anime, though. And then yes, I can’t help mentioning it - I
did not learn French! It's Achilles's heel for me. I also gained about 5 kilos
in 5 years despite my shallow efforts.
Then
again, I have great expectations for my future. I have no idea where I will be
in a year and a half due to my plan to get Masters degree at UCL. My parents
are completely against me following my passion for arts and writing, so I had
to choose to continue legal education and now they are not content with my
course choices of environmental law and intellectual property. I seriously do
not know what I am going to do with my life. But I know I want to do something great
and meaningful or at least be happy. And I will be "chasing a
starlight" so-to-say, i.e. either try to convince my current love interest
that I am worth it or look for something incredible. Because if not I would
rather stay alone than with someone who does not know that "I, Robot"
was a book before it was a movie.
I know I
have to change myself according to what I want to be. But I have mastered the
mantra of "I am what I am" because it got me through the bad times. And I
have my feelings rule my world and my love became something to hold on to on
times when you can't go on anymore. It's quite preposterous to talk about that
knowing what I can do and what I have done already. And yet you start to
understand that people can not hurt you, not really - because you hurt yourself
much worse and much deeper.
So, this is the end of my student life era.
Whether it was good or not so good, it was my life. And whatever happened
or did not happen during these years I will have to live with it. The realization
of reality of your life and that you can't change your past and choices is
scary and yet it is so beautiful that you know what made you the way you are
now. And somehow you understand you are able to shape your future.
